Relationship Collapsing/ Ego?

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:25 am

Relationship Collapsing/ Ego?

Post by elftower » Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:46 am

Hi guys had to register to share my problem and offer it up for any advice I can get. I'd really appreciate it. Here it is:

I left the country I was in to return home from a year out and this girl I had met there was very upset which caused me to like her a lot for this reason. I already liked her and she was a girl I was seeing but I think this is relevant as I remember liking her even more for liking me.
We stayed talking constantly on the net and via text, making each other laugh, reminiscing, talking about a possible future. In this time I got really connected and attached to her and it was clear she did too. We would tell each other we miss one another constantly. And I really felt it. I got butterflies when I thought of her. Then it turned out she was pregnant, so I helped her with all the emotions and stress that go with this and she helped me and we both really felt strong emotion towards each other. So after about 1 month we were both in a European city and had the chance to see each other FINALLY. We met up and it was just amazing, I believed I was in love or close to that point. The emotions were so strong and she was feeling it too. We had to talk constantly everyday and nearly without pause.

After the trip we came home and same thing, we said we'd have to meet up one last time in my country before we both got on with our lives in September. The logistics and long distance make a relationship kind of impossible. So we were the same as normal. Then a few days ago I started to think maybe I was getting ego attached to this girl/ using her as an ego massage/ eliciting things out of her to make me feel good/ envisaging a relationship with her to make me feel great about myself. I wondered if she was maybe doing the same thing?

Anyway at one point I said okay let's stop talking for a few hours and see how long we can go. After about 4 hours I got the urge to talk to her but resisted until a good portion of the day and evening was done (Not long I know.) Now I remember feeling something strange at this point, something along the lines of "Oh I don't need this girl to survive, we have just been talking intensely and that was my reality. I now remember a time without her". But then I started talking again to her out of habit/ urge/ desire. I don't know.

Then we spoke for a whole day but it was obvious something was up. We were saying the same things but it just felt different. At night she said I hope to see you again but I have the feeling we won't now. And I knew exactly what she meant. It is like we both realised it was a trance/ ego massaging and now have a hollow feeling that replaces the butterflies/ excitement that used to come with thinking about the other. I'm assuming she is going through the same thing.

The thing is I;m completely depressed now, I don;t see how our relationship could have been all a trance/ through the ego? What was wrong with it? Where have the butterflies gone when all the logical reasons that I like her are still there? It feels unexplainable and like I've lost her. Why should I be so upset if this is what I want on a non ego based level? Is that even what this is?

I still am thinking about her all the time, I still think she's great, I still think she's beautiful BUT now something has fallen out from under us and we are both feeling different? WHY? Is it something to do with the use of the internet to talk for a month and seeing each other only once? The prospect of seeing each other now seems kind of weird and less attractive (or is that only cus we were building it up into some huge romantic vision)? I can't accept the relationship wasn't genuine. If i don't like her I don't like girls in general! We make each other laugh, we find each other attractive, we've been through tough times together, we got on SO well just a few days ago in Europe. How can this all be lies/ have dissolved out of nothing?

Any help would really be appreciated.

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Re: Relationship Collapsing/ Ego?

Post by nutrition » Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:01 pm

I am going to be direct with you so please do not take it personally. NOthing personal here. Just experience. I had a similar situation that just ended.
It is all your mental construction. YOu saw and created something that was not there. You created the feeling of romantic love by becoming totally addicted to this person. I would not call it a relationship what you had with her. It was an obsession. When you constantly talk to someone on the internet you are creating your fantasy world The 2 of you were playing an on-line relationship with eachother an you were both very good at it. The game was fun and the simulation so real that you both started believing it was true love. You even felt all the symptoms (butterflies, urge to see eachother)
But reality is very different...and for heaven;s sake...she is pregnant. By you? If not by you then is she in an unhappy relationship and created a cyber-happy one with you?
what stops you from seeking people who are available. Was the fact that she was not available more appealing to commitment there...she is already taken and with child??

What is it that you want from a relationship with a woman? DIstance or intimacy?

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Re: Relationship Collapsing/ Ego?

Post by elftower » Thu Aug 30, 2012 10:07 pm


Thanks very much for the reply. I appreciated it. After writing this the hollowness went away and I either fell back into the illusion or I realised I do actually like her. In response, yes it is my baby, we were both available at the time and sleeping with each other because we got on extremely well. Over these couple of months we built up the relationship. Then at the end of the year I had to leave to return to my country. What I'm trying to say is it wasn't all based off the internet which I know is ridiculous.

So recently we did meet up in my country and it was blissful! Towards the end we said the three words to each other and this has seemingly pushed me away. I am too scared to tell her I feel this hollowness once again and I don't want to feel it since as far as I'm concerned she is wonderful in every way. I fear it was a summer illusion I created and I don't want her really. This seems so unfair since we get on so well and care about each other. Now today she booked another flight to come stay with me in September. I am hoping these feelings will pass like they did last time.

I realise I have been quite stupid but all I'm guilty of is letting myself fall into good emotions which I believed to be real. I said I love you in the moment cus I felt that way. It's only now that I feel different. Could the willingness to be with me she is showing pushing me away so I'm trying to cut myself off from any emotions to her? I WANT to feel them again so I hope it's merely a transitory thing like before.

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Re: Relationship Collapsing/ Ego?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Thu Aug 30, 2012 11:26 pm

Elf, I'm going to say something here and you decide.

Love opens you up.

Fear closes you down.

You are the one that has the key. You can use it to open or close the door of opportunities of being who you really are. If you choose fear you will know it by its doubts about who you really are and the immense capacity you have. If you choose love you will be being who you really are in all its immense glory.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

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