Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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summer1007
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Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by summer1007 » Tue Jul 16, 2013 5:34 pm

Just before Christmas last year I was looking forward to marrying the man that I loved so much who I thought was kind, intelligent and honest.

To cut a long story short I discovered a facebook page of his which totally shocked me. On discovering this page and contacting some of his contacts I found that this man had lied to me cheated on me and fathered a child while he was with me.

I had paid for our apartment as he is from turkey and they earn very little there, I had paid it via the bank to his bank account.
When this all came to light he switched off his phone disappeared now apparently now in Russia; without returning the money of course.

Example of some of the lies he told me his parents were dead and he had to bring up his younger siblings alone and work day and night to support them and see his self through university and he was alone in this world. This was of course a sob story to get me to feel sorry for him. In fact his parents are alive and well and he has older siblings and other relatives.

Another time he was supposed to be in military jail for fighting when they were given alcohol for some special occasion and I was given via his sister a number to call once a week for a 5 minuet call.. Someone would answer the call then put me through (supposedly the prison guard) in fact this was all an elaborate set up, as he was working in a resort in Turkey at this time and his pictures with his arm around different girls are all over this Facebook page taking at the time he was meant to be in jail.

When this all came to light I was bewildered, heartbroken, angry, sad, confused, in love, all at the same time.

We are some 6 months or more on now and I have been trying to heal best I can.
I have read the power of now before but now more than ever it is a great comfort to me, especially I have the audio version and Eckhart’s voice resonates the truth.
It is helping a lot.

Of course the lying and cheating are not against the law, but the taking of my money is.

Part of me says just let it go put it down to karma, learn from it try and grow from it and move on.

But there is still this nagging feeling that comes up that I should be doing something about this I should be reporting him.
I admit in my initial rage I sent off some messages to his friends and family pointing out what he had done.
Still part of me feels I should do a bit more of this to warn people.

So that is where I am with all this at the moment, I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
Thanks

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Webwanderer
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Jul 16, 2013 6:54 pm

Nothing will ever change what happened. It's yours. What will you do with it? If it were me, I would do an honest review of how things unfolded, from the time I met him until this moment. Get out of it what ever life lessons I can, and then have a good laugh at how I got sucked into this relationship. Then I would make sure I cut all ties - bank accounts, email addresses, facebook, any physical connection. Then I would cut my emotional and mental ties.

What happened was quite an intense experience, but now it's time to move on. Whenever thoughts come back in, focus them on what you've learned from the experience, not what wrongs were fostered upon you. Focusing on your perception of wrongs you experienced will only compound them and extend your pain. Start looking to the rest of your life and the beauty that each moment contains. Just be glad you finally found out the truth and you were wise enough to move on.

WW

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rideforever
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by rideforever » Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:12 pm

You are very lucky you didn't have a child with him - just think, it's a great gift for you to have the option to walk away - be grateful I think.

Somehow you seem tied to the man though, so probably you have some need for this kind of situation ... any learning must involve coming face to face with your need for this situation - or it will come again.

By all means report him to the police, twice, and then don't hang around the phone waiting for it to ring ... get on with learning and living.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
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.. .. .. .. I was so small

summer1007
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by summer1007 » Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:45 pm

Thank you webwanderer and rideforever for you replies and words of wisdom.

It is true I know that I am still attached but I am not quite sure how to go about getting myself unattached

I know that I have abandonment issues as my father left when I was a baby and I was left in care homes several times when I was a small child.

I would really like to deal with this I really don’t want this again.

Any pointers on how would be appreciated.

rideforever your words ring true but I am not quite sure how I got about it as yet.

But at least I have found this forum, so I am one step closer to healing :)

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rideforever
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by rideforever » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:02 pm

Yes, it's good to have some support isn't it.

Perhaps there are some women here who have come through a similar situation to yourself ...

Well, for my self I feel that it is always a question of being very very honest. And ... no matter what you feel, you honour your feelings. So, perhaps you could sit with your early memories to do with abandonment, and try your best to accept everything that you remember - accept your feelings, rather than moving away from them.

They can be painful of course, but ... you don't have to do it all in one go.

If you were to go into therapy or other work ... then ultimately you have to do this very same thing - to honour your real feelings rather than turning away from yourself, so there is not better time than now to begin. To become more yourself, more whole, more healed. To become friends and get to know the one who had a difficult experience early on in her life.

I have found it to be very good to be 'anchored' in the present moment when doing this kind of work, because ... without that anchor you can get lost and it becomes ineffective. The anchor is like an anchor of truth ... that you connect with ... whilst you look at a difficult moment from the past.

Perhaps you yourself have some ideas already about what kind of things or situations feel good for you to resolve these matters ?
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

magicbutterfly
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by magicbutterfly » Thu Jul 18, 2013 7:44 am

Hi summer. I've come through something similar and what I learned was that I needed to forgive the person who did this to me. All of the people who have abandoned me beginning with my mother, actually as well as myself for not seeing it in time to prevent it. If you don't, you will keep attracting similar situations into your life. To forgive, you need to see this man as unconscious and also as the best thing that has happened in your life and be grateful to him for what has happened. Whether you do it just privately or actually contact him to communicate it, it's up to you. Hugs.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

summer1007
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by summer1007 » Thu Jul 18, 2013 6:17 pm

Thank you for your reply and sharing your experience magicbutterfly.

I never blamed my mother for abandoning me as I always knew she had no choice and that it was her predicament, as she grew up in an orphanage with no family and she would have given the world to have kept me with her at the times when she was not able to, as there was no home to take me to, and she could only manage this when she managed to get a job where she could live as a housekeep where they would accept her child also. My father I have also forgiven well best I can but probably could do a bit more work there, as I found him via the internet a few years back.

Because of my childhood I always had to fight for myself and stick up for myself and it has made me stronger not always though.

I know that we have all had things that we have had to deal with and probably signed up to before we even manifested on this plain.

I can see this has probably made me a bit desperate to hold on to love when it comes my way no matter what, but knowing it and accepting it and wanting to evolve is a way to opening up the door a bit more to enlightenment.

I think I have made progress even since first making this posting, as today things seems much clearer, the views here have helped and of course quite often things unfold in your sleep and answers somehow seem to come to you.

I do now realise and own the fact that I was still attached and wanting contact with him. I feel by accepting this and facing it therefore shining a light on it that is has it seems at this moment disappeared, I no longer feel attached.

I have sent messages today to let him know that I am going to the legal department in the Turkish consulate next week and asked him to pay me back so as to save me the trouble.

I don’t know if he will respond or not but I know my intentions in sending this message was truly to save both him and me further agrovation with regard to this.

I don’t know what Eckhart would have to say about this, but I am feeling ok with it, I don’t think this is ego driven, I think that I am just defending myself regarding this thing at last.

I feel that I will be disrespecting myself if I don’t do this.

So again thanks for your views and comments.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by smiileyjen101 » Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:45 am

It's been an honour to follow your journey in this summer (hugs)


I think of something Dr Phil often says of those waking up from this sort of thing, but I don't know how long you were in it for.

Say if someone is in this sort of a situation for two years.

He says, you know what's great about this?

They say 'What?'

He says, 'That you weren't in it for two years, and one day!'

I think you are doing very well in terms of what is just and what is ego. These people rely on the silence of their targets.
I would suggest though, don't get too attached to any notions that he will suddenly up and 'do the right thing' to save you, or himself, any trouble. That's not what's worked for him in the past, so he's unlikely to employ it.

He is far more likely to keep on doing what has worked for him. In many ways, if you took that away from him he would not know how else to relate to the world and those in it. His actions are based on his own beliefs, his beliefs are based on his own experiences.

Proud of you girl!!
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

summer1007
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by summer1007 » Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:16 am

Thanks a lot smiileyjen101, that is really nice and put a smile on my face :D hugs right back!

Actually it was 2 years! and it is true it could have been much worse... had he got his visa I would have been in for a lot more heartache and a lot less money..

Happy to be in the now! :D

Love x

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Jul 20, 2013 1:58 am

I wouldn't dwell on it too much summer, he likely meant you no more harm than actually eventuated. His not getting the visa was likely just more of the same story-telling.

One thing you can take away from this, and it's a pretty hard lesson to learn and implement in some ways, is that we all express ourself within our own capacity. What a thing means for you does not necessarily mean the same thing to another. So when you hear or see something from another, it may not mean what you think it does.

For instance what you may see as immoral, another may see - within their moral capacity - as necessary. What you may feel as hurtful for another - within their emotional capacity - may be 'nothing at all', and vice versa.

We as human beings tend to filter and 'assume' that things mean the same thing for others that it does through our own filters. Its been a wonderful opportunity in my life, albeit yes some times painfully, to learn not to assume, and to ask someone what that means 'for them'.

To do this in love, there is a brilliant (for me) portrayal of it in the movie City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. She is eating a pear and he says 'How does that taste?' She says: 'What, you've never tasted a pear?' He says "I want to know what it tastes like ... for you'.

Phew!!! Love explosion right there!!! When in relating one can realise that we honour the other by not overlaying our interpretation of things over their experiences, when we can sit with how they view or feel about a thing, when we are aware of our own biases and beliefs and can appreciate that they are not the be all and end all of the world and its range of experience, then we get out of our own way and let love be. The balance is.... and this is a bit tricky at times too... the balance is in being clear about, and sharing with others what a thing means to you, and if you are making agreements with others about things, checking that you have the same understandings.

You 'may' go through a stage of berating yourself and the other for this experience, (yaknow all the how could I be so blind, how could I.... yadayadaya, how could he yadadadadada), but the actual natural consequence of this experience is your opportunity for growth and for learning this incredibly enlightening insight about the nature of relating with others.

We believe a thing means what we want to believe it means, but everything means something different to everyone, depending upon their capacity and their needs and the way they have learned works for them in having their needs met.

Don't ponder to hard on that, you'll drive yourself nuts. Just know that you know this now - you've remembered this by having a perfect example of it, and go live your beautiful life!!
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

jimmyrich
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Re: Dealing with lies and betrayal your thoughts please

Post by jimmyrich » Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:01 am

summer1007 wrote:Just before Christmas last year I was looking forward to marrying the man that I loved so much who I thought was kind, intelligent and honest.
Just offering my own experience and solutions that I gained in 12 step recovery including Codependency & other groups. I was taught to examine my own behavior, beliefs and early childhood programing/conditioning to discover what all was programed into me to help cause someone to fool and take advantage of me due to vulnerabilities and DEEP needs within my self that made me so blind and vulnerable. Amongst the things I discovered was a serious dependency on others: power, initiative, leadership, and CONTROL which made me a sitting duck for unscrupulous, dishonest and emotionally damaged other Codependents (Known as Counter-dependents) who simply moved in and took advantage of the weaknesses and flaws in my early childhood conditioning by pretty screwed up Codependent parents. I imagine there are labels and terms in Eckhart's work and other spiritually oriented teachings to describe the aspects of Codependency. But the bottom line is: what existed or was placed in you (other than Karma) to help the "bad" person make a move on you? The whole point being to examine and somehow undo or fix the early childhood damages and bad conditioning that set you up to be someone's victim or there's a good chance it will happen again & again so long as these unhealthy, early programs/beliefs/behaviors still exist in you/us. I worked on and still work on my "issues" from bad parenting which made me a sitting duck for USERS but I suppose there are Spiritual means to do the same thing. In many ways, 12 step work is close to Spiritual work in dealing with and healing early childhood wounds and damage that set ppl up for victimization or victimizing so take your pick and good luck. :) jim
summer1007 wrote:When this all came to light I was bewildered, heartbroken, angry, sad, confused, in love, all at the same time.
>> Codependents often fall in love (fall in NEED) with rotten characters due to early family/parental conditioning that causes the Codependent to be swept away by someone SIMILAR to the person who damaged them in the beginning but it's an unwholesome, idealized attraction that a more healthy person would never fall for. The unhealthy NEED that was programed into the Codependent early on FORCES them to go for rotten mates with the strange belief that the Codependent can change to other person, the bad one is NOT all that bad (Delusion), it's all in their own mind (Denial) and a whole batch of other basically Denial oriented defenses and Delusions that makes the Codependent: blind, ignorant and utterly DEPENDENT until the bad partner fails or walks away leaving the Codependent: confused, still "in love" (in NEED) and very hurt, etc. like what happened to you.
This is not to say that this is/was your own fault, something that you deserved or that your parents are to blame. The sad part is that both you and the offender are victims of BAD PARENTING (and other things) that unfortunately set both of you up to HURT each other due to unconscious, early childhood conditioning to be: A codependent (you) and a counter-dependent (him). This is a simplification of the unwitting, mutual "drama" but good enough to show us that the unhealthy partners were set up to go that way by bad and unhealthy parenting/early conditioning BUT there is a solution to this if anyone wants to get out from under the burdens of bad early parental conditioning.
summer1007 wrote:Part of me says just let it go put it down to karma, learn from it try and grow from it and move on.
>> IMO, blaming "karma" is a very bad idea and will not ever help us face and fix the truth of how we were trained and programed early on by damaged parents and others even if karma spares us the problem of identifying and understanding exactly what happened to us when we had no defense. Karma was most likely the favored solution for cultures where ppl were not permitted to examine or criticize their parents behavior UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!! My process took me right back to my earliest memories and experiences to see, for myself, the actual and devastating effects my unhealthy parents & others had on me as defenseless child which still affect my life to this day (I am 75 now). It took many years of serious suffering and misery to finally get a chance to discover for myself the origins of my "illness, psychosis, weirdness, discontent, FEAR, etc. and I'm glad I know that it had NOTHING to do with Karma, genetics, bad luck, diet, ghosts, the evil eye, my own badness and stupidity (although some of that is true) and other items designed to keep us from examining our early childhood and BAD PARENTING! The way I "learned from it" and am trying to "move on" was to, first understand how and why I was programed so badly as a child, do my best to undo the damage and learn/acquire better emotional/mental programing and behaviors - thanks to ppl like Eckhart Tolle and a huge group of psychological teachers. I was taught that healing and moving on is a life time process so I'm still healing and growing all the time.
Good luck and best wishes in your own recovery from early childhood damages.
:) jim

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