Need Advice on girls

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
Jayakanth
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Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:30 pm

Hi.

Im gonna talk first on a visualizaton i did and what happened after that. I wanted to manifest a relationship in my life. I asked for an intimate relatiynship. So one day, im out with this gal in the park near the beach just like i visualised. I see a plane flying in the distance. It was in the visualization also. We start kissing and i also work on her chest area (Sorry if im gettingexplicit). She asks me what i want to do and i say id like to make love to her. She says shes is not having sex tonight.

When i drop her back and i reach home, i feel insecure and angry. Insecure becuase im a virgin and angry because i now feel that she has the power on me. I feat that she wont text me back or is gonna play hard to get. Long story shot, this gal doesent text back and blocks me from her phone whatapp.

My questions are these.

1.What happended to the visualization? I asked for an intimate relationship. It ended in disaster.:(

2.Id like to also say that im from a conservative country and i pick up gals in malls, etc. Im always asking myself, "What did i do wrong now?" "Why did she leave"? And its energy draining to me. There are people who tell me to stop what i doing and it frustrates me and makes me feel judged.

3.While being intimate with her, i did not feel aroused. Why? Not sure why, prolly has to do with me being angry b4 meeting her. She wasnt answering my texts with enthusiasm. At the end of everything, i do feel that maybe she felt that i had objectified her. I dont know and it frustrates me not to know why she did this and dissappeared.

4. I can attract many girls, but have trouble forming connections i think. Why are these gals leaving me? Here is basically waht i do on dates : Talk abt how good looking i am most of the time. I dont really listen that much. Ya i know, a lot of ego:(

5. I want a girlfriend, at the same time I want to attract sexual experiences into my life. What should i do? What do gals want in a guy? Being sincere, a good listener, on his path, etc? How do i cultivate sincerity? I like dating a few gals at the same time and making my options wider.I had a friend who told me to stick to one gal and commit to her. She said u dont know the meaning of commitment. Truth is i am afraid if i go just for one gal and it doesent work out, i would have wasted my time and energy. Is that the mentality to have? If not, from what i have said, what needs to change.

I appreciate advice, especially from women.

Thanks

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Webwanderer
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Webwanderer » Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:24 pm

I want a girlfriend, at the same time I want to attract sexual experiences into my life. What should i do?

I appreciate advice
Options:

1. Spend some money on a professional. At least you will both be in agreement on why you are there.

2. Consider paying attention to all those red flags: "i feel insecure and angry." "i now feel that she has the power on me." "she wont text me back or is gonna play hard to get." "this gal doesent text back and blocks me from her phone whatapp." "While being intimate with her, i did not feel aroused." "Not sure why, prolly has to do with me being angry b4 meeting her."

From her point of view, you probably seem more like a predator than a potential partner however short term it may be.
What happended to the visualization? I asked for an intimate relationship. It ended in disaster.
This was not a disaster. It was a predictable outcome.

Imagine you have a beautiful pristine car that's very important to you and means a great deal to you. Someone you met at the mall and barely know comes up and wants to borrow it and take it for a joy ride. You have the sense this person doesn't know how to drive and will probably not treat your valued possession with any respect, and possibly could do significant damage to it. To make matters worse this person is badgering you about letting him do whatever he wants with it. Are you going to lay back and hand over the keys?
Im always asking myself, "What did i do wrong now?" "Why did she leave"? And its energy draining to me.
Consider that you may not be ready for an "intimate" relationship. Sex does not necessarily make a relationship intimate. Intimacy is a more a matter of love and affection and sharing qualities of self. Sex can be a part of an intimate relationship but cannot stand alone and still be considered intimate. It takes more sharing than just looking for a score.
We start kissing and i also work on her chest area... When i drop her back and i reach home
This is not intimacy, it's hardly even seduction. It's more like manipulation and force. A good lawyer or interrogator generally knows the answers before he asks his questions. He/she knows by doing due diligence and investigation before he risks surprises when it counts.

My suggestion is that before you start laying hands on a girl and letting your libido rule your perspective, know from the conversation with her, and state of relationship, how it's likely to go. If you don't know from the shared energy/chemistry, then it's not likely to go well for you - or for her either for that matter.
What happended to the visualization?
Seeing pictures in your mind may be a component to manifestation, but there's a good deal more to it than that. Fortunately it's not that easy in this physical universe to create realities on a whim. Most humans are far to ego driven to have easy access to instant creation. Your total energy package, and mental-emotional makeup - all the things you believe and fear and hope for - all go into a quality of being that effects your experience. Most of it is likely invisible to you, hidden away in subconscious beliefs about life and self.

The anger you feel about rejections and being judged and success and failure are far stronger components than wishful thinking. If you want to make changes in your experience, discover first who you are. That's what this forum is for - to help others and ourselves find truth about our fundamental nature. I understand you want to get layed. Nothing wrong with that. But if things are not going well for you, it may be that life is telling you that there are more important issues for you to explore.

WW

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by smiileyjen101 » Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:11 am

Gosh that was a wonderful response ww!
Webby said: Imagine you have a beautiful pristine car that's very important to you and means a great deal to you. Someone you met at the mall and barely know comes up and wants to borrow it and take it for a joy ride. You have the sense this person doesn't know how to drive and will probably not treat your valued possession with any respect, and possibly could do significant damage to it. To make matters worse this person is badgering you about letting him do whatever he wants with it. Are you going to lay back and hand over the keys?
Brilliant analogy webby, but I'd add, what if you also sensed that there was no internal harmony or understanding of the reasoning for them wanting to take your car for a drive.
1.What happened to the visualization? I asked for an intimate relationship
Maybe it did come true... maybe it is the start of an honest relationship with yourself.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

snowheight
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by snowheight » Tue Aug 27, 2013 12:18 pm

Jayakanth wrote:Hi.

Im gonna talk first on a visualizaton i did and what happened after that. I wanted to manifest a relationship in my life. I asked for an intimate relatiynship. So one day, im out with this gal in the park near the beach just like i visualised. I see a plane flying in the distance. It was in the visualization also. We start kissing and i also work on her chest area (Sorry if im gettingexplicit). She asks me what i want to do and i say id like to make love to her. She says shes is not having sex tonight.

When i drop her back and i reach home, i feel insecure and angry. Insecure becuase im a virgin and angry because i now feel that she has the power on me. I feat that she wont text me back or is gonna play hard to get. Long story shot, this gal doesent text back and blocks me from her phone whatapp.

My questions are these.

1.What happended to the visualization? I asked for an intimate relationship. It ended in disaster.:(

2.Id like to also say that im from a conservative country and i pick up gals in malls, etc. Im always asking myself, "What did i do wrong now?" "Why did she leave"? And its energy draining to me. There are people who tell me to stop what i doing and it frustrates me and makes me feel judged.

3.While being intimate with her, i did not feel aroused. Why? Not sure why, prolly has to do with me being angry b4 meeting her. She wasnt answering my texts with enthusiasm. At the end of everything, i do feel that maybe she felt that i had objectified her. I dont know and it frustrates me not to know why she did this and dissappeared.

4. I can attract many girls, but have trouble forming connections i think. Why are these gals leaving me? Here is basically waht i do on dates : Talk abt how good looking i am most of the time. I dont really listen that much. Ya i know, a lot of ego:(

5. I want a girlfriend, at the same time I want to attract sexual experiences into my life. What should i do? What do gals want in a guy? Being sincere, a good listener, on his path, etc? How do i cultivate sincerity? I like dating a few gals at the same time and making my options wider.I had a friend who told me to stick to one gal and commit to her. She said u dont know the meaning of commitment. Truth is i am afraid if i go just for one gal and it doesent work out, i would have wasted my time and energy. Is that the mentality to have? If not, from what i have said, what needs to change.

I appreciate advice, especially from women.

Thanks
Jay,

Men want, women want to be wanted.

The trick is that who a given single woman wants to be wanted by and how she wants that expressed isn't something static ... it's constantly shifting and changing from day-to-day right through to minute-by-minute depending on what sort of stimulus she's getting from the world.

Sex with someone new is best if it just sort of happens naturally. Never ever come right out and tell a girl that you haven't had sex with yet that you want to have sex with her or ask her for sex outright. With some girls and in some situations things can click to where things happen fast but on average it can take several different encounters before it'll happen.

There's a certain aspect in both genders of liking a challenge -- if she perceives you as desperate, that's gonna be a turn off. Sometimes you just gotta play it cool, and ask your self this -- if she's not all that into you, do you really want to be that into her?

The best approach is to be honest, open, patient and respectful ... but yet ... passionate.

Pay attention to her reactions ... to you, to the environment, to others, to what's happening. If you pay attention, you'll notice cues from her as to when she wants you to come to her, to get closer ... and when she wants you to back away. Generally, you'll know you're getting close to that first encounter if she gives you signals that she wants to be alone with you at either your home or hers.

Let what will happen happen naturally, don't be too concerned with your own desire, and that desire will be fulfilled.
Stop talking. Hear every sound as background. Look straight ahead and focus. Take one deep breath. This is you. This is Now.

Jayakanth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Tue Aug 27, 2013 5:47 pm

Webwanderer wrote:
I want a girlfriend, at the same time I want to attract sexual experiences into my life. What should i do?

I appreciate advice
Options:

1. Spend some money on a professional. At least you will both be in agreement on why you are there.

2. Consider paying attention to all those red flags: "i feel insecure and angry." "i now feel that she has the power on me." "she wont text me back or is gonna play hard to get." "this gal doesent text back and blocks me from her phone whatapp." "While being intimate with her, i did not feel aroused." "Not sure why, prolly has to do with me being angry b4 meeting her."

From her point of view, you probably seem more like a predator than a potential partner however short term it may be.
What happended to the visualization? I asked for an intimate relationship. It ended in disaster.
This was not a disaster. It was a predictable outcome.

Imagine you have a beautiful pristine car that's very important to you and means a great deal to you. Someone you met at the mall and barely know comes up and wants to borrow it and take it for a joy ride. You have the sense this person doesn't know how to drive and will probably not treat your valued possession with any respect, and possibly could do significant damage to it. To make matters worse this person is badgering you about letting him do whatever he wants with it. Are you going to lay back and hand over the keys?
Im always asking myself, "What did i do wrong now?" "Why did she leave"? And its energy draining to me.
Consider that you may not be ready for an "intimate" relationship. Sex does not necessarily make a relationship intimate. Intimacy is a more a matter of love and affection and sharing qualities of self. Sex can be a part of an intimate relationship but cannot stand alone and still be considered intimate. It takes more sharing than just looking for a score.
We start kissing and i also work on her chest area... When i drop her back and i reach home
This is not intimacy, it's hardly even seduction. It's more like manipulation and force. A good lawyer or interrogator generally knows the answers before he asks his questions. He/she knows by doing due diligence and investigation before he risks surprises when it counts.

My suggestion is that before you start laying hands on a girl and letting your libido rule your perspective, know from the conversation with her, and state of relationship, how it's likely to go. If you don't know from the shared energy/chemistry, then it's not likely to go well for you - or for her either for that matter.
What happended to the visualization?
Seeing pictures in your mind may be a component to manifestation, but there's a good deal more to it than that. Fortunately it's not that easy in this physical universe to create realities on a whim. Most humans are far to ego driven to have easy access to instant creation. Your total energy package, and mental-emotional makeup - all the things you believe and fear and hope for - all go into a quality of being that effects your experience. Most of it is likely invisible to you, hidden away in subconscious beliefs about life and self.

The anger you feel about rejections and being judged and success and failure are far stronger components than wishful thinking. If you want to make changes in your experience, discover first who you are. That's what this forum is for - to help others and ourselves find truth about our fundamental nature. I understand you want to get layed. Nothing wrong with that. But if things are not going well for you, it may be that life is telling you that there are more important issues for you to explore.

WW
There was no force and manipulation involved here. She did ask me what i wanted to do and i told her. When i was having trouble unbuttoning her, she helped me. I didnt force the makeout. We sat down, got closer and then started making out. Only thing was that i was not feeling aroused, prolly becuase of the anger that i had. I dont know. So she disappering is kinda somewhat of a mystery.

I am willing to change. But i dont know what types of vibes im subcommunicating. I am working on david deida's exercises. I have been working on being less needy and more self-secured. I do feel better and more centred. At the same time, i do think that just by being present is not the answer to this.

Some quesstions I have asked: Do i care about this gal, or is she another option in case i fail with other gals? Do i really like her or do i want to like her becuase she is preety?

They say honesty must start from urself. So yeah.. Other than this, Im confident enough. I somehow think that its doing pick up that has screwd my vibe a bit. A lot of gals say that they dont know me well enough, even the gal in this post. Im thinking to myself, " Why are not gals revealing themselves to me?" Am i listening? Am i too engrossed in myself? Am i just too cocky? This is what frustrates me.

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Webwanderer
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:53 pm

Jayakanth wrote:They say honesty must start from urself. So yeah.. Other than this, Im confident enough. I somehow think that its doing pick up that has screwd my vibe a bit. A lot of gals say that they dont know me well enough, even the gal in this post. Im thinking to myself, " Why are not gals revealing themselves to me?" Am i listening? Am i too engrossed in myself? Am i just too cocky? This is what frustrates me.
We all have to figure stuff out. It's an ongoing process. The intellect is a secondary tool however. What does it feel like when you're not thinking? What arises as an understanding while resting in mental quiet?

WW

Jayakanth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Wed Aug 28, 2013 5:00 am

Im very frustrated that girls tell me that they dont know me that well. Intellectually, i think im not giving them enough attention and not making them the spotlight when im out with them.
Internally, why is it that I'm not interested in them? Why am i interested in myself more? About what she is thinking around me? Am i moving forward with her? Why don't i feel chemistry with her?

Rgds
Jay

Jayakanth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Wed Aug 28, 2013 5:17 am

Webwanderer wrote:
Jayakanth wrote:They say honesty must start from urself. So yeah.. Other than this, Im confident enough. I somehow think that its doing pick up that has screwd my vibe a bit. A lot of gals say that they dont know me well enough, even the gal in this post. Im thinking to myself, " Why are not gals revealing themselves to me?" Am i listening? Am i too engrossed in myself? Am i just too cocky? This is what frustrates me.
We all have to figure stuff out. It's an ongoing process. The intellect is a secondary tool however. What does it feel like when you're not thinking? What arises as an understanding while resting in mental quiet?

WW
Hmm my problems that i have identified.

The need to prove myself to viand others.
Having a big ego about getting many gals
Wishing others failure in my head.
Viewing myself as superior to other guys
Condeming society for not being as courageous and resilient as me to dare go after what i want
Angry with gals who start giving me half hearted text replies. Angry for losing my power.
Revenge/Proof seeking after others who have not believed in me

Rgds
Jay

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Webwanderer
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Aug 28, 2013 6:21 am

Okay, so you've listed some of what you think are your problems. Now, feel out more of your essence. What is your true nature beyond the concerns of thought? Who are you when thought is not active?

Your problems lie in thought. Everyone's does. The solutions to thought generated concerns are recognized in quiet clarity. You see we already know what we need to know. It comes from who we are. We just need to become still enough to let our natural knowing become clear. If however, you don't spend consistent time in mentally quiet clarity, you are unlikely to recognize that which you already know. Thought activity just gets in the way.

WW

Jayakanth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:42 pm

i let this problems play out in my mind with their emotions and just sit there. It slowly dies off after a while. But its an ongoing process as you said. Just purely meditating alone doesent necessariy get to these shadows. I decided to work on them with conscious awareness. Feels better though.

Also, has anyone read David Deida? Wad are ur thoughts on that?

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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:42 pm

Jayakanth wrote:Also, has anyone read David Deida?
I haven't read Deida.
But its an ongoing process as you said. Just purely meditating alone doesent necessariy get to these shadows. I decided to work on them with conscious awareness. Feels better though.
It is indeed an ongoing process. Our true nature is not known through or in thought. At least not until it is clearly recognized in mental quietude. Awareness is conscious of thought. Thought however, is not conscious of anything. Thought is a thing. It is a thing that manifests within the aware perspective that you are.

Awareness is universal. Perspectives are unique points of view within awareness that gives each of us our unique sense of self while yet being one with each other and all that is. Clarity on this matter is likely only after regular and consistent experience in the thought-free presence of conscious awareness. Stay with it an you will soon begin to recognize the benefits of this enhanced clarity.

WW

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sloth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by sloth » Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:30 am

Jayakanth wrote:Hmm my problems that i have identified.

The need to prove myself to viand others.
Having a big ego about getting many gals
Wishing others failure in my head.
Viewing myself as superior to other guys
Condeming society for not being as courageous and resilient as me to dare go after what i want
Angry with gals who start giving me half hearted text replies. Angry for losing my power.
Revenge/Proof seeking after others who have not believed in me
Could you humour me for a second and tell me what your thoughts are about each of these individual problems? What does the 'little voice' in the back of your head tell you about these thoughts?

Does it say they are constructive thoughts? That they are false? Something else?

Jayakanth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:34 am

sloth wrote:
Jayakanth wrote:Hmm my problems that i have identified.

The need to prove myself to viand others. (If i do this for someone, than getting a galfren is not for me, but for others and ill be foreer at the mercy of my environment. )
Having a big ego about getting many gals ( I know that the false high I get from getting many gals is ultimately gonna ruin my chances of connecting with someone because girls will sense it)
Wishing others failure in my head. ( My ego cant stand others getting ahead of me. I feel that im wasting emotional energy aka suffering for nothing)
Viewing myself as superior to other guys ( I feel that this superiority complex is somehow gonna ruin my chances of connecting with peopl in general
)

Condeming society for not being as courageous and resilient as me to dare go after what i want ( My ego uses this to explain that i am better than others, so that it can hide the fact that i am not getting the results i want)
Angry with gals who start giving me half hearted text replies. Angry for losing my power. ( I am again losing energy on something that i cant control. Its like i need the gal to give me what i want to be happy)
Revenge/Proof seeking after others who have not believed in me ( I feel that i am living someone else's life and not my own. I need to show them that i am superior to feel good)
Could you humour me for a second and tell me what your thoughts are about each of these individual problems? What does the 'little voice' in the back of your head tell you about these thoughts?

Does it say they are constructive thoughts? That they are false? Something else?

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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by sloth » Fri Aug 30, 2013 1:01 pm

Jayakanth wrote:
sloth wrote:
Jayakanth wrote:Hmm my problems that i have identified.

The need to prove myself to viand others. (If i do this for someone, than getting a galfren is not for me, but for others and ill be foreer at the mercy of my environment. )
Having a big ego about getting many gals ( I know that the false high I get from getting many gals is ultimately gonna ruin my chances of connecting with someone because girls will sense it)
Wishing others failure in my head. ( My ego cant stand others getting ahead of me. I feel that im wasting emotional energy aka suffering for nothing)
Viewing myself as superior to other guys ( I feel that this superiority complex is somehow gonna ruin my chances of connecting with peopl in general
)

Condeming society for not being as courageous and resilient as me to dare go after what i want ( My ego uses this to explain that i am better than others, so that it can hide the fact that i am not getting the results i want)
Angry with gals who start giving me half hearted text replies. Angry for losing my power. ( I am again losing energy on something that i cant control. Its like i need the gal to give me what i want to be happy)
Revenge/Proof seeking after others who have not believed in me ( I feel that i am living someone else's life and not my own. I need to show them that i am superior to feel good)
Excellent, :)

It's like we feel inclined to go 'searching' in 'other places' for these answers when we knew them all along. We also have these thoughts knowing full well that they are not us, but we get caught up in the heat of pretending to be someone that is not us.

"Today, I am going to be a very angry person, I am angry at society and everyone around me. How dare they not show me the respect that I deserve?"

What you have done is show me the functional thoughts that underlie the dysfunctionality (it is as if when you have a negative thought such as this it's counter-thought springs up automatically, perhaps by association). But the thing to do is not feel ashamed about those thoughts but to decide which thoughts will generate a more 'positive' outcome and act on those. “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” (Lao-Tzu). I think it can be much harder to be functionally oriented in this fashion.

The other thing to ask yourself is whether these thoughts are 'true', for instance, about the 'being superior to other men' thought, in the material world, you will always either be superior or inferior to other humans but your true self, consciousness, is always the same and always equal.

Jayakanth
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Re: Need Advice on girls

Post by Jayakanth » Fri Aug 30, 2013 4:37 pm

Hmm what i do is that i just let the thoughts arise in me by replaying them in my mind and just stay in non-judgemental awareness of not doing anything to them. Emotions arise but stay at them and they get transmuted.

I think there are a lot of things that we are not conscious of but u need to be honest with yourself.

Here is a quote from an interview with John A. Sanford

" Honesty is the great defense against genine evil. When we stop lying to ourselves about ourselves, thats the greatest protection we can have against evil."

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