How to stop this emotional pain?

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
Cristina
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How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Mon Oct 07, 2013 7:08 am

I met one person, 3 years ago.
Well, I will not write the details about the relationship, but the fact is that today I am suffering a lot, because this was always an unrequited love.
And in all this time I was expecting that he would be able to love me with time.
He asked me to move on in the beggining of the year and I feel like I am dying. I am not young and I've never had experienced this feeling before, so it it difficult to understand and accept.
Today he is happy with other person and I wish him all good things, however I am depressed and the feelings for him are the same.

I am trying to identify this feeling as my ego, however what I feel is love, good feeling for this person. I am stuck in the past (totally wrong, I know), but I am sure that If I had chosen different attitudes I would be happy today with him, although he says there was nothing different I could have done.

Could you please comment on that? And help me to start living again? :)

Regards,
Cris

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smiileyjen101
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Tue Oct 08, 2013 12:25 am

Hi Cris - there's another topic been started here saying nearly the same thing. Maybe you two can help each other? http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth ... 35&t=11860

When our expectations are at odds with reality - the suffering, the emotional pain, is in the 'distance' between the two. And the strength of the resistance in holding onto unreal expectations is the level of pain that we feel. Every time we negate a reality by saying, thinking or strengthening the expectation, trying to twist it to fit, we 'feel' the untruth of it, and untruth 'hurts'. It only hurts because it's like banging our heart against a brick wall.

There is/was no thing 'wrong' with any of this, you have just been experiencing, learning, growing.

This poem I found years ago may help.
If I thought for a moment,
or even two years,
that I'd found 'the one' who could hold my heart.
Could make me happy;
Could bring me joy.
And on seeing more clearly,
accepted I'd been wrong -

What did I lose?

Just hours of dreams
and millions of wishes
and plans and schemes
that will never come true.

But ah, what worth?

They were only thoughts!
Thoughts that binded me some way,
blinded me some way,
that had me believe them
strengthen and invest in them,
twist myself inside out,
to make them fit,
when they never were true.

When all the time
my heart is mine,
my love is free
and has no need.

And now I find
I'm free again
to be right here, right now.
I'm love again - right here, right now.
My joy is here
right here, right now.

Anon.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

azooo
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by azooo » Tue Oct 08, 2013 12:27 am

For a start I would let the emotional pain be. No need to stop it. Its part of your human aspect to feel such pain.

Forget about starting to live again, to let this go, to change your feelings, to not be stuck in the past. Just forget about everything. Let everything be precisely as it is. Let the emotion and sadness be there without any resistance to it.

Maybe if your attitudes were different you would be with him today, or maybe not. That's not the point. That's just a doubt your mind produces to justify the underlying unhappiness. So don't bite into the "I know it would be different if I..." because that you do not know. Maybe you'd be together and something else would happen to make you feel even more miserable...

Cristina
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Tue Oct 08, 2013 11:55 pm

I know I have to accept.. It is really difficult to see your dream fade away..
Smiileyjen and Azooo, thank you for the answers.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 4:30 am

Cristina said; It is really difficult to see your dream fade away..
Yes it is.
But until it does it's just clouding what is real.

Who knows what that might be :wink:
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

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Clouded
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Clouded » Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:11 am

I feel ya. Same thing happened to me; a year ago, I met the most amazing person, everything about him was so magical, just being near him was like being in a dream. I had an intense craving to have him in my life, I never felt anything so powerful take a hold on me, just thinking about him made me smile and chuckle, I felt such a strong admiration for him, he was just too good to be true. He wasn't human, he was a God lol! I always felt privileged for him to acknowledge my existence, I lighted up everytime he turned to talk to me, I was under his spell, I found him so interesting. Keep in mind that I met him while I was depressed with life, it's weird that each time I saw him, my mind completely focused on him and nothing else really mattered. He was my break from suffering, I had something beautiful to look forward to. In the end, he never knew I lusted for him, I don't think he was interested in me, I think he was just being friendly. I'm also healing from a broken heart, I know it stinks that you have to live with all these "what ifs", sometimes I wish I never met him in the first place. I also wish I acted more differently, I wish I was more assertive, I could have given him signs rather than keeping the memory of him alive in my fantasies. Too late to change things now, what is done is done and I'll never see him again.

I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what I worry about the most is not finding someone who makes me feel those wonderful emotions with the same intensity. Maybe he's the only person who will ever make me feel this way, I have to accept that. I think that it's not really the person your heart is aching for, it's the feelings you associated with that person that you miss. Sometimes, feelings are so strong that we lose all sense of reason. Who knows what might have happened if you two got together. All romantic relationships start out beautifully and once the honey moon phase is over and couples get to know each other better, they realize that their significant other is not as perfect as they once thought they were.

Best thing I did is getting rid of everything that reminded me of him (including songs that I associated with him). Now I just need to erase him from my memory and only time will do that, but he'll always be a part of it. It's hard, I still dream of him and when I wake up, I feel awful because what happened in my dream was not real, our "getting together" was just a figment of my imagination. But what IS reality? When I can't control it, my mind likes to tease me.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Cristina
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Thu Oct 10, 2013 6:09 am

Hi Clouded, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
I wish the best for you.

Cristina
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Mon Oct 14, 2013 1:21 am

Hello,

Today a lot of information came to me, about this person. He made some mistakes in his personal life and now he is suffering consequences.
I am very sad but this will pass too. I just need some days to filter these things also.

I started to think about karma and what ET talks about it.
Presence frees us from karma, because when you are present, those thoughts related to karma and that previously cause you suffering are no longer problematic in the now, they no longer cause the suffering that they would have caused before.
So what I understand here is that the things related to karma can continue happen to you, but you will not pay attention to it or you will not suffer when it happens, am I correct?
And how about the person who made you suffer?
The person who created the issue. Not necessarily with bad intention, but sometimes because this person was not aware of the consequences. Are they creating karma in their lives?

azooo
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by azooo » Mon Oct 14, 2013 8:17 pm

Cristina wrote:So what I understand here is that the things related to karma can continue happen to you, but you will not pay attention to it or you will not suffer when it happens, am I correct?
When you're present there is nobody to whom it can happen.
And how about the person who made you suffer?
The person who created the issue. Not necessarily with bad intention, but sometimes because this person was not aware of the consequences. Are they creating karma in their lives?
I think you're conceptualizing this too much.

Cristina
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:21 pm

azooo wrote:Forget about starting to live again, to let this go, to change your feelings, to not be stuck in the past. Just forget about everything. Let everything be precisely as it is. Let the emotion and sadness be there without any resistance to it.
I am trying to not resist to it but sometimes I think this sadness will never end...

My friends tell me to forget him, to delete him and all the memories of my life. Is this the best option? But the love is still there. I don’t want to ignore this feeling and just forget this as if I was only dreaming.

The love I feel is a true feeling and I accepted the fact the he does not love me back and that maybe I will never see him again. I should be happy for him, because he moved on with his life. But why I cannot feel good, why it is so difficult to love with no conditions?

I feel peace now, this is ok, I feel as if I was taking some sedatives sometimes. But at the same time I feel sad and helpless.

Thank you for your help again.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sat Oct 26, 2013 12:21 am

And how about the person who made you suffer?
The person who created the issue. Not necessarily with bad intention, but sometimes because this person was not aware of the consequences. Are they creating karma in their lives?
The only person who makes you suffer in a circumstance, is you, by holding onto it.
Now yes if 'something' happens - a car crash or something - our society deems 'at fault' responsibility, but more often than not, and definitely if there was no intention then it was just 'stuff happening', unfolding.

An interesting way to see this is a movie called Crash - it works back from a major pile up through the perspectives and experiences of those involved and brings them all to that point in time where the circumstances unfolded/met/collided.
My friends tell me to forget him, to delete him and all the memories of my life. Is this the best option? But the love is still there. I don’t want to ignore this feeling and just forget this as if I was only dreaming.
There may be aspects of it that you are holding onto that were just 'dreaming', interestingly these are the parts that you're torturing your self with because they are not real and they did not turn out the way you hoped/wanted/expected.
oh agony this didn't happen
oh misery why didn't it happen - I'll never know
oh drama why can't I just play with people like chess pieces and move them around as I would have them
oh aching heart with this heavy load of stagnant energy clenched like a fist inside
oh drat this means I might have to release the energy that I'm holding so tightly that it's hurting my heart and my head
oh fear if I open part of my heart I will panic at the thought of it being empty
hmmm it wasn't 'empty' before this...


So are you holding onto something real and loving - that is gratitude & generosity in balance, or are you creating a drama of love in resistance to reality?

What is there to forget? The parts that are real won't go anywhere. The false parts that you've created outside of reality, is there really any benefit in keeping them?
The love I feel is a true feeling and I accepted the fact the he does not love me back and that maybe I will never see him again. But why I cannot feel good, why it is so difficult to love with no conditions?
Because you are not loving your self with no conditions - love is the equilibrium of gratitude and generosity. And honesty is the highest form of love. For as long as you're dragging yourself through the mire of what is not, and creating suffering from it, that is not loving your self, that is not being honest - grateful, generous, to you.
Love seeks nothing not freely given, to hold nothing not wishing to be held, to give nothing not joyously welcomed....
Love gives a soul back to itself.
(from CWG)
Love gives a soul back to itself - give your soul back to yourself with the truth - in gratitude and generosity and openness and kindness to self and other.
You made a hole in the shape of this person in your heart and waited for them to fill it - like a hole in a tooth it aches, like trying to hold back the tide you are exhausting yourself trying to hold this empty space open. Let go the tide, let your love flow back where it belongs and realise that love flows through you, filling you and flowing freely from you all the time, if only you will let it flow freely.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

Cristina
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Sat Oct 26, 2013 3:28 pm

smiileyjen101 wrote: So are you holding onto something real and loving - that is gratitude & generosity in balance, or are you creating a drama of love in resistance to reality?

What is there to forget? The parts that are real won't go anywhere. The false parts that you've created outside of reality, is there really any benefit in keeping them?
I can see it as a drama and I was resisting to the reality, only the love I feel is real.

Maybe I am not being generous with me for a long time, not just after meeting him. I’ve been waiting for someone during all my life and when I met him, I thought it had been worth waiting for so long. But that was just me, imagining everything.

Your words made me cry, but in a good way. It is good to hear from you.

I like when you say that honesty is the highest form of love. It is powerful.

Thank you so much.

nutrition
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by nutrition » Tue Oct 29, 2013 4:04 pm

Hi Cristina,
I understand where you stand, because I am in your same shoes. I met this guy two years ago and have been in love with him ever since. Not reciprocated. I did all the tricks the ego could think of and ended up sleeping with him after over a year and half i had met him. The sex between us is still there, at times, but it is sort of a perverted thing I had never experienced before. It is good but then his indifference afterwards hurts.
It is truly an ego trip. I do believe lots of relationships are. Not all of them, but many.
All I want from this guy is what the mind tells me: sex, affection, company....
I too met him at a time when i was totally depressed, but was feeling better and had asked for a spiritual guide a couple of days before i met him. I ended up meeting him on the same spot i had asked for a spiritual guide.
and he sure was a teaacher for me. The feelings I have for him are so intense I can't even explain and no matter how hard I tried I could not give him up.
I joined a co-dependant anonymous group and put all of this suffering in the hands of a Higher Power.
alone I can't do much. I tried, but these ego addictions are powerful and need support to be solved.
If you are so inclined seek help, there is help out there. If this has been going on for 3 years I suspect you are under some form of ego related emotional addiction to a person.
blessing

Cristina
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by Cristina » Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:10 am

Hi nutrition, thank you for sharing your experience.

You know, I think you are living your life and I see it as a positive thing. I am talking about the fact that you did what you wanted. You lived special moments/experiences and joined these feelings and it is a good thing…

Maybe if I had joined the moment in the totality, when I had the opportunity, I would be able to accept my feelings easier in the present moment. Even if he decided to move on… What did not happen in the past - due to my fears, is the reason of my painful feelings now. And now, probably I will never see him again…we live on opposite sides of the world and he is living with other woman.

I believed he was “the one” and as smiileyjen said:
smiileyjen101 wrote: You made a hole in the shape of this person in your heart and waited for them to fill it - like a hole in a tooth it aches...
See, I am asking the universe to send someone to my life, but I don’t know how it did not work with me...

MoonlightMaria
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Re: How to stop this emotional pain?

Post by MoonlightMaria » Fri Jan 17, 2014 1:02 am

Dear Cristina, and others here,

I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve experienced. I know what you’re feeling, because I have experienced the same thing, and of course, many people have.

I when we invest our hearts and our emotions in someone so deeply, it can be hard to separate the “wheat from the chaff.” It can be hard to know how much of our involvement was ego and how much was love. I believe you, that you have real love for this person. And surely there was ego involved, too – how could there not be, since few of us are capable of relationships that are free of ego? I’m not. But the fact that your ego almost surely got involved does not invalidate the true love that was also surely there, and IS surely there.

I loved someone for a year with all my heart, and then he chose to move away from me, saying that it was because he didn’t want to expose me to the turmoil that he kept creating in his life. It was true, he tended to attract one disaster after another, but none of those ups and downs hurt nearly as much as him leaving.

Sometime before that, my husband died, after 9 years of marriage, and that hurt in a very different kind of way. I missed his physical body tremendously, but in some ways, although that pain was more intense, it was easier to deal with, because there were not unresolved emotions. He was a happy man, and we were happy together, and somehow, I could feel a deep peace about him after he died, in spite of the missing. When something has gone wrong, the feelings are much more complicated.

How to deal with the feelings that come when you lose someone you love?

The best I could do, in both of these cases, was to invest my heart and love in the people around me. There are always plenty of people around us who need our love, our passion, our energy. My ego particularly liked my husband, and liked the man who left me, and liked the feelings I had in those relationships, and LIKED to give in the ways that I could within those romantic relationships. I LIKED the form of relating that romantic relationships allow for – on many levels. And I don’t think there is anything really wrong with enjoying what a particular relationship has to offer, what a particular person has to offer, etc. But at both of these times, I realized that I needed to give my love just as wholeheartedly to everyone, even if the other relationships in my life didn’t appeal to my ego as much. That may not satisfy your ego, but it DOES satisfy your loving heart.

And, it may not immediately erase the pain of missing him, but it is probably true that a big part of that missing IS missing the opportunity to love wholeheartedly, which you still have with those around you.

You will surely always love this person. There is not one person in my life I’ve met and gotten deeply involved with who I don’t still love and feel connected to. I think that’s just the way it is. Once we dive deep into each other’s souls, we do become part of each other in a way. And maybe that will all be worked out in another lifetime. Who knows?

Sorting out these powerful feelings, and trying to discern which parts of them are spiritual and which parts are egoic is still somewhat of a mystery to me, but this I am sure of: the love and desire we feel for each other is not purely egoic. It’s part of a Divine system that feeds and unifies us. And to judge away your own desire and longing will hurt you more than help you, because desire and longing makes life better in many ways. I believe the answer is not to get rid of longing and strong feelings, but instead, to love more broadly, so that our loving hearts are given in more than one place – to give your love passionately, in whatever ways you can, to whoever you can, to friends, etc. Let your love be freely given, and not so selectively given. We tend to think we can only love deeply and passionately with our romantic partner, but that is not true, and it causes us to hurt a lot more if we lose that person, because then we have put all our eggs in one basket. We are also much more susceptible to emotional addictions when we don’t love broadly, for that same reason – because we don’t feel fulfilled anywhere else in our lives – and how can we, if we are not giving ourselves in all parts of our lives. So, my advice would be to love your friends with all your heart, and show love and tenderness to everyone who comes your way. Turn your heart inside out, not just for those who hold the promise of paradise for you, but for everyone around you, who deserves and needs your tender heart, too. There is still a place in this world – plenty of places – for you to put your heart, your love, etc.

I hope that helps. I wish I had more clarity on all this myself, but these are the things I have found helpful for myself. This does not take away the ache of longing entirely, but it helps. And longing is not really that bad. Realize, whatever happened between you and this person, he is a good person, or else your heart would not love him so. And to love and long for a good person is natural. Longing for what you can’t have is something you can learn to live with, and it can even help you grow, and become much bigger. In my life, I have found that longing makes you bigger, emotionally bigger, more than getting what you want. Being willing to long without having stretches you, and expands your heart. Just make sure that in your longing, your thoughts are loving and not selfish, and you are sparing yourself, and everyone else a lot of unnecessary pain.

Love,

Maria

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