Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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Maringa
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Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by Maringa » Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:34 pm

Hello there,

I have a question about how I can help my spouse to become more enlightened and/or present. Tolle says that an un-enlightened person can't stand the presence of an enlightened person for long before leaving or becoming enlightened themselves. Is that true? In that case, I guess I'm not very enlightened :) I give him lot's of space be, and I never judge his life choices. I try to be there for him as presence, but it doesn't help very much.

He reads and loves Tolle just like me, but he is having a really stressful life (for no apparent reason) and he's unable to do the things he love. Constantly prioritizing a job he hates. He's unable to stand up for himself, and believes that he 'must' do a lot of things that he dislikes. Money is not an issue for him, he has PLENTY, but he still lives like a poor person, working his ass off every day, too stressed out to sleep, too stingy to buy clothes that are WHOLE.

We are both engineers, but I live a completely different life in the same home, which feels a bit weird lol :) My life is filled with peace and joy, and I do all the things I love and I want him to realize that he is able to do that aswell.

He is never really present either, he just rush out of bed in the mornings to read e-mails and do work stuff, and he's aging fast when he lives this way. Both me and our mutual friend tries to tell him to slow down, relax and enjoy all the beautiful things in life. We tell him that he can create anything he wants and that he doesn't need to work like crazy when he's already financially free, and he agrees but doesn't do anything about it.

Is there anything to do about this situation?
I'm thinking about enlightenment movies, activities? We're going to Tolle and Katie Byron's convent in San Francisco 14/2 2014, maybe that'll help, or...?

peas
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by peas » Sat Dec 28, 2013 2:09 am

Here's the short answer: work on yourself.

By work I mean do nothing of course ;-)

Nothing = observe your thoughts and emotions + accept every one of them + enter the now from there

The rest will take care of itself.

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Maringa
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by Maringa » Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:57 pm

peas wrote:Here's the short answer: work on yourself.

By work I mean do nothing of course ;-)

Nothing = observe your thoughts and emotions + accept every one of them + enter the now from there

The rest will take care of itself.
Thank you.

Do you mean that there is really nothing I can do for another person? There's a lot of people that agree with Tolle on an intellectual level, but are incapable of living his truth. So for all these people, the thing we can do is just work on ourselves and the rest will follow?

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far_eastofwest
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by far_eastofwest » Sat Dec 28, 2013 1:18 pm

I don't know about other people, but if my friends and family said 'you are stressing over nothing, slow down'... I would agree (to shut them up) and just go along and do what i want to do. (if telling them once my reasons, whatever they are). If they brought in a third party to back them up in their opinion, hahaha... then things would get nasty.
You say you don't judge his life choices, but you (and your mutual friend) are both busy trying to convince him they are all wrong and faulty and he needs to change. Most people I know do not like being told to change (even if they want to, they will dig their heels in and continue whatever it is just to gain some rank or raise above the good ol' 'critical parent' voice).

Maybe he likes his job and also likes complaining about it (like some people do about their kids/wives/pets whatever).
Perhaps compliment him on what an assett he is to his employer.... or how thrifty he is for not wanting new clothes.... or some such, you don't have to say you 'like' or 'approve' these choices, just look at saying something positive about his current choices.... he will make changes if and when he is ready. Like all of us, we like to think we are doing things from our own free will, not because someone else (who will become the parent/authority figure) has told us.

If he doesn't like standing up for himself, perhaps he isn't standing up to you and your mutual and is just going harder at it to piss you off in a passive aggressive way for trying to tell him how faulty and stupid he is to not be able to manage to work these things out himself? (and no, i don't think you would say this... you sound very nice and caring... it is just how it may come across to the other person). What you say... and what is percieved... are often wildly different.

Have you seen the way ET dresses...... big fan of nuetrals there, see, things could be worse than clothes that are not whole... lol
I don't know about enlightenment movies or activities, but generally men tend to like sex, being told they look cute, thanked for doing stuff and told they are appreciated and asked to help with small jobs around the house (inclusion) and that you SAY you are happy to see them when they step in the door, etc.

maybe check out Robert Burney.... he doesn't have conventions, does do little workshops, he is in the general area you mention for the convention, and though not rich (definately not) he is a true heart and teacher of life. You may like what he has to offer.
:)
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....

peas
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by peas » Sat Dec 28, 2013 2:04 pm

Maringa wrote: Do you mean that there is really nothing I can do for another person? There's a lot of people that agree with Tolle on an intellectual level, but are incapable of living his truth. So for all these people, the thing we can do is just work on ourselves and the rest will follow?
You got it.

And I can tell by your words, how direct and confident they read, that you know, deep down, that you got it.

That feeling, when you read back your own quote, of it just fitting just right, and that you let it rise up from somewhere untouchable deep inside yourself, is pure conscious aware presence.

You are that.

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Onceler
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by Onceler » Sat Dec 28, 2013 6:07 pm

My experience in the last 8 years with a skeptical spouse:

My wife certainly didn't support my interest in Spirituality, insisting that I was too inward and self involved.....even though she read TPON and some other books. Turns out she was right!

My journey has led my back to being more involved in life, my job, my family, etc. it turns out I was trying to escape my life through spirituality.....a perfectly understandable impulse given the misery I was in. I have found that seeing who I am has led to a dimishment of fear and an engagement with life.....in a gradual manner.

Perhaps your husband's engagement with his job and the stress that entails is necessary engagement. Actually, I would take away the perhaps. He is either working through his purpose, or has already worked through it, or is seeking it.....or some combination of these.....either way, he is where he is.

I have found that accepting my engagement with life, with diminished fear, has altered my relationship with my wife. In this process she has seen who she is and is becoming more aware. This makes sense as I have a growing awareness that who I am extends as far as I can perceive......so that changes in myself necessarily affect my world, because I am my world.....

As you see who you are, your world changes from fear, stress, and suffering, to a world of engagement.
Be present, be pleasant.

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Maringa
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by Maringa » Sat Dec 28, 2013 7:56 pm

far_eastofwest wrote: text
Well, I guess I didn't express myself very well. I made it sound like a relationship issue but it's really not.

The thing is that I have a couple of friends that read Tolle, do Vipassana Meditation and all that stuff and still don't "get it" and they ask me for help (my spouse included)
they want to know how to be able to drop the everyday stress and just be happy and peaceful. I really don't know how to help them, but I would really be able to...

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Maringa
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Re: Spouse is trapped in "Enlightenment Limbo"

Post by Maringa » Sat Dec 28, 2013 7:59 pm

peas wrote:
Maringa wrote: Do you mean that there is really nothing I can do for another person? There's a lot of people that agree with Tolle on an intellectual level, but are incapable of living his truth. So for all these people, the thing we can do is just work on ourselves and the rest will follow?
You got it.

And I can tell by your words, how direct and confident they read, that you know, deep down, that you got it.

That feeling, when you read back your own quote, of it just fitting just right, and that you let it rise up from somewhere untouchable deep inside yourself, is pure conscious aware presence.

You are that.
Thank you!

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