Thank you so much for your wonderful replies
Yesterday, we ended our relationship, and although there is sadness inside me, at the same time I feel calm about it. I noticed that in the last few weeks, I was trying to hold on to him, convincing him to give it another try. However, in the last few days, I increasingly felt that it was not going to work, and that I was forcing something that was not there anymore. It just didn't feel natural. And a feeling came up that I should just let go. While I was afraid of doing this immediately, this feeling became stronger everyday, and yesterday I gave into this. And despite the sadness, I feel more calm than I have felt in the last few weeks. The funny thing is that I recognized this feeling from before, when I was together with my previous boyfriend. That same feeling told me that I should not be with this person, but I was so afraid to let go, that I ignored it for over four years. I gues I have really learned from this, because now it only took me a few days
Although it is still difficult when thoughts and emotions come up, which are mainly based upon memories and future expectations I had created, I know that I will have to let go of them as well. While this might take some time (the process of grievance as you call it), I notice that I can already feel right now that 'everything is oke'. I still feel love for him, even though he is not 'officially mine' anymore. As you said: I love him, and while he chooses not to be with me anymore, that's oke
I feel that the love I feel for him is more free now, it is not dependent upon whether or not we are offically together, its just there. Although sometimes I still loose this feeling when I'm in my mind, it does come back again, and I hope it will become stronger as I'm able to let go of my thoughts and emotions. I feel that I'm able to trust the Universe that everything is as it is supposed to be, and that I should not force anything, especially not regarding relationships. While our relationship was free and natural 7 months ago, the circumstances have changed in the meantime, which does not mean that the love and connection between us is not there anymore (I honestly believe it is), but a relationship is not what we need right now. If we are meant to be together, I trust that our paths will cross again in the future, but there is an openess about this. It has to be natural, and in this stage of our relationship, it just did not feel natural anymore.
The funny thing is that sometimes I feel very bad about the situation when I think about it (then the idea comes up that I lost my soul-mate, the one person in the world who really sees
me), but when I feel my presence again, there is a love and joy underneath it, which actually encompasses this idea. Then, I feel its oke, that I can love him even though I'm not in a relationship with him... It's all the same, it does not matter
However, I do have to say that I'm shifting in and out of this feeling every few minutes.
Another feeling that is getting stronger inside of me, is that I need to be alone right now (without a relationship), in order to focus completely on finding my own truth. I have been in a 'spiritual process' since I was seventeen years old, when I had my first (conscious) experience with presence. While I have had many different experiences afterwards (both arriving spontaneously and by practicing presence), I have not been able to liberate myself completely from my mind. But the space inside me is getting stronger and stronger, and I feel now that I should make this my first priority in my life. And the feeling I have is that I should go to Asia, since I've wanted to go for many years, but I could never go due to circumstances. I hoped I could go through the process of awakening while being in a relationship with this person - since he is somebody who is already naturally present - but I realize now that it would have been an obstacle. Although the love between us was true and sincere, I was not ready for this, because I became attached to this feeling and to the person behind it. This could happen because I'm not completely centered in my own being yet, which makes me feel alone and insecure about myself. Having a person in my life who really loved me and who told me he was going to love me forever
, suddenly gave me a great sense of security. Instead of focusing completely upon my own essence and love as the greatest source of my happiness, I became dependent upon this relationship for this. 'Even though I'm not always able to feel my inner self, at least somebody really loves me'. But I know that it should not be like this. I know that the most important thing is to find my own essence, and be connected with this always, and then love can be shared with somebody else without depending on it.
[*]Now, my ego is going to speak[*]
There is only one thing that keeps coming into my mind, which is the idea that I lost somebody who I should not have lost (I know he is still in my life as a friend, but he won't be my husband or the future father of my children). I really believe that the love between us was something real, something that was just naturally there from the very first moment, without forcing anything. We both felt we recognized each other, as if we knew each other from another life-time, and we were meant to be together forever. Mooji describes this from the eleventh minute: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCjQXlPs4_g
Because I haven't experienced this with anybody else in my life before, I can't help to feel that he is 'my beloved', my soul-mate, which unfortunately I have lost due to the circumstances of life.
But maybe I feel like this because he was the first person in my life who was present enough in order to experience this kind of connection with? Maybe it is possible to experience a similar connection and love with somebody else, when there is a certain level of presence? Or maybe it is an illusion from the mind to believe he is my soul-mate, due to the fact that I have 'lost' him and the Universe would not have allowed this if we were meant to be together? Although I really felt so much love and energy between us when we were together, it is also true that these ideas (being each others soul-mate, knowing each other from another life-time etc.) mainly came from him, since he told me he felt this intuitively from the very first moment. However, after not seeing each other for 7 months and meeting somebody else in the last month, he was able to end our relationship pretty easily. Maybe the idea that we were soul-mates was an illusion from his side, which I started to believe as well due to the intensity of his belief. He believes that what we had 7 months ago was something real, but due to the distance between us, it diminished. He says that 'love forever' is something you need to irrigate, like a garden of flowers. And because we were not able to do this due to the distance between us, it did not work out. However, if this is true, than you could say that maybe we were not meant to be together, because otherwise the Universe would not have allowed these circumstances to come between us (the distance + him meeting somebody else).
I know that these doubts and insecurities I described in the last two paragraphs come from my mind, because when I focus upon the feeling of presence I can feel that 'all is oke'. However, I just notice that these thoughts keep popping up and continue to bring me emotional pain, which makes me feel that maybe I should have done something to prevent this from happening. Maybe I should have tried to go earlier to his country, or maybe I should have taken a holiday in the meantime. At the same time, I feel a strong need and willingness to trust the Universe that all is as it should be, and that, if we are
meant to be together, this will happen at the right moment without forcing anything. Because I do really feel that at this moment I'm not ready to be in a relationship with him, but at the same time, I cannot imagine somebody else to be the father of my children, which gives me the idea that maybe one day we will meet again. I feel that we both need to mature more in our own spirituality, in order to enjoy the love between us without getting attached or creating stories around it (because we both did this). Or is this idea the last attempt of the ego in order to not let go?