The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Clouded » Tue Jan 21, 2014 10:32 am

I hit a new low, I haven't met up with a friend since last January and I think it's safe to say that I no longer have friends. I lost contact with my best and only friend at the time because my depression got in the way of our friendship and I guess she didn't want to see me like that anymore (she gradually began ignoring me) and found a new crowd to replace me (she's been tagged on facebook in pictures where she's partying with loads of people and I felt like I was missing out on all the fun and was disappointed that she didn't invite me). I miss hanging out with her and it's sad because before my depression became too much to handle, I made a montage that celebrated our friendship with pictures and the instrumental version of our theme song and in it I wrote that I hoped that there will be plenty of other great memories to come but our friendship ended abruptly when I was at my worst and when I really needed some support.

Maybe it's just me, but I sometimes worried that I wasn't entertaining enough to keep my friendships with people. I remember making a constant conscious effort to be extra funny, extra nice to the point that I was becoming a push over just so that they'll keep liking me and I would avoid being lonely and embarrassed at being seen alone (cause only losers and freaks are loners :roll:). Despite all my efforts to appear interesting and fun, some people would treat me as if my company was a means to an end. I don't know how many times some person would come sit with me and I would be so glad that I finally had someone to talk with, only to have them appear semi interested in our conversation because most of their attention was spent answering their text messages. How rude of them! I lost to a cell phone. Whatever the other person was texting must have been quite the interesting read. Of course I knew that they were using my physical presence because they too didn't want to appear alone because as soon as another friend of theirs joined us, they'd quickly abandon me. Do these things happen to me because my lack of self esteem is showing? Why do I attract these types of people in my life? I've met some kind and genuine people too but they don't appear as often.

My lack of friendships has always been an issue of mine, I know that the number of friends one has does not correlate with their worth as a human being (a person with 10 friends is more loved and thus more superior (and others recognize that superiority) than another with no friends) but I find myself suffering that I don't have other's appreciation of my company. If the majority does not like me, does it make it more true that I am an unlikable person? I understand that I can't control people's perception of Clouded (it's all their doing) but if most perceive me a certain way, isn't that evidence that there must be something wrong with me or were most conditioned to have negative opinions towards people like me? Sometimes I suffer because I feel that I am missing out on things people my age with friends normally do, I could have made so much more good memories if I was more likable. I once joked that if I died and had a funeral, no one around my age who I had some kind of relationship with would come to see me except my parents and their own 50-something year old friends who will bring their children along.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Onceler » Tue Jan 21, 2014 2:23 pm

Friendship is a tough thing, especially as one starts to see the effects of conditioning and fear in oneself and in others. The cell phone story is a perfect example of conditioning, not being able to see others for who they are, and I wouldn't take it personally, although I know it's hard not to. I find it hard to relate to people sometimes, as I feel I am relating to a programmed simulation of a person.....a set of conditioning that is a rough reflection of endless commercials, media, YouTube videos, programmed tastes in food, politics, music, etc. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Sometimes you can break through all this and that's friendship....a few moments of genuineness that build on each other. You need true friendship, not a simulation. Keep looking, and if you don't play the game maybe someone will spot your genuineness.....From reading your past posts I suspect that your personality is more resilient than you let on, and I know that who you are can't be harmed.

Warm wishes.
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Clouded » Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:59 pm

I find it hard to relate to people sometimes, as I feel I am relating to a programmed simulation of a person...


This perfectly describes how I feel when I talk to people now. I feel as if I am not talking to them but to their conditioned minds because if I were talking to them, they wouldn't be as judgmental. And I was judged a lot (even for the clothes I wore?!) and it made me very self conscious because I didn't want people to reject me! It's sad that most people my age are like that; preoccupied with superficial things that the media portrays to them. Now I see them in a different light and I kinda pity them for not being aware of what really matters. But then again, I envy them because they are probably having more fun than I am.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Z3N » Fri Jan 24, 2014 3:28 am

I'm iffy on what a real friendship looks like to be honest. Most friendships seem to me to be mainly about conforming, be like us and your in kind of situation, and breaking that mold kinda gets you left out in the cold. I found that to be the basis for basically all of my friendships, and over time being around them became less and less desirable, I stopped wanting to meet up and say my lines, and act my part to meet their expectations, when I realized this was what I was doing, I lost interest in the game. I found a new one, the wake up game! :lol:

Anyway, I doubt it has anything to do with you not being likable, more likely you being more open minded to thinking outside of the usual constraints, and like I said from my experience this can appear to be challenging what people believe to be their defining characteristics personally and as a group. I think even if you don't explicitly state what you think or feel about certain things, people still pick up on it at some level; what we don't say and don't do often says just as much as what we do. Anyway, that's enough from me. :D
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby LouieSuizM » Sun Jan 26, 2014 7:49 pm

Hey Clouded,

Thanks for your openhearted comment. I do sympathize with your situation because I have gone through similar challenges. I can see that you care a lot about having a beautiful, good friendship with people, and of course you do! I totally agree, and I wish more people would be into it.
In fact I believe that we all need friendship. A lot of times people don't seem to be interested in it, like the people who were texting right next to you and you were going "What the heck, what am I, chopped liver?" But even those people, I sincerely believe, actually need and want friendship, even if for various reasons they're not living it at the present time.

But then the next step is the challenge of bringing that into practice. And I understand there's various things we need to do to live in a way that supports friendship. Here's a great quote from Hafiz about that;

"Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, What every other eye in this world is dying to hear?"

Isn't that a great poem? I like it a lot because it points out the importance of becoming that which we would like to have ourselves. And we all want love and to be loved. I think that if we become a person who gives the kind of attention and warmth and compassion that we ourselves desire, we actually WILL have that, and continue to have it, and many other people can have it.

Also, people of similar interest are attracted to each other. Not sure exactly how it works, but people who are similar always seem to end up together. Like you have a Harley Davidson group who kind of look similar, act similar, have similar interests, and then maybe you have a group of people who love and help other people, and they get to enjoy good friendships. Just whatever is your taste.

But I'm sure that if you would start really paying the kind of attention that you know in your heart would make you happy, you'd attract angels from afar, and definitely a friend or two or more, but even if only a few, they will be REAL friends, who would be into the same things.
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Clouded » Wed Jan 29, 2014 6:52 am

Well, that girl who payed little attention to me was one of my best friend's (at the time) friend. My bestie who I used to goof a lot with started hanging out with a group of girls who in my opinion were very self centered and obsessed with their appearance because we weren't in the same classes anymore and she had to make some new friends. I didn't understand why these girls were so appealing to her except that they were pretty and popular so maybe she wanted to be associated with them. She changed so much that I didn't feel comfortable to be myself around her anymore, like every thought I wanted to express had to go through a mental filter first, I had to be careful of what I was going to say because I'd fear that it wouldn't be well received by these girls. Sometimes I'd even think that these girls were ashamed to be seen with me because of my reputation of being a nerd/weird person. And I realized that they were only interested in my company so I can give them the answers to exams which I foolishly did because they were my best friend's friends and I didn't want to be on bad terms with them and lose my bestie's friendship because I knew she'd pick their side because they were popular. But I finally called it quits because I was used too much and wasn't having any fun with them plus my best friend turned distant and cold towards me and I got the message that maybe she was tired of me tagging along with her and her new friends like I was cramping her style or something. I remained friendless for a while until I met a shy, nerdy group of girls in the library who were so nice to me and instantly accepted me into their group and the energy I felt from them was so much more pleasant and welcoming and I felt free to say whatever I wanted without being judged. I get the feeling that the less friends you have, the friendlier you are to people in general. It's like when something is scarce to you, you appreciate it more.

Even when I meet someone new and I don't know them very well, there's always this mental filter in my mind and I'm struggling to find the right words to say without appearing socially awkward and most of the time I choose to keep quiet. I once thought I made a friend in class and when that class ended, I thanked that person for being nice to me and sitting next to me (is that a weird thing to say?) and the next time I saw them, I waved hi to them with a smile and I think they saw me but chose to ignore me and they befriended other people instead. It ruined my day because I didn't know what I did wrong to drive that person away from me and I felt like there's something about me that repels people. I used to dislike myself a lot because I had trouble making friends and I used to escape reality by day dreaming that I was a completely different person with a different name (my ideal version of myself) who had many friends and was liked by everyone. I can't practice social skills if I have no one to practice them with except for my parents but we speak in my native language and it's not the same.

There's a small range of people that I truly get along with and that is those who don't have many friends because they are shy, nerdy, eccentric, have a physical deformity or a mental disorder like autism. I have a lot of respect for those people and I wish that everyone was as accepting.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby LouieSuizM » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:27 pm

Dear Clouded,

Yep… School is a rough time, I can relate through some of my own experiences at school of trying to fit in and having various friends at various times, losing friends etc. It can be quite painful to go through that stuff, I know. But I would restate what I said earlier; being for other people what you would want them to be for you is a good way to go. When you're towards, and interested and focused on the other person, that person feels that you see them, which is a rare thing nowadays, and much needed. Many hearts can be nourished that way.

Also, when you said that you thanked a person for sitting next to you and being nice to you, it is actually not working in your favor since even though it looks kind on the surface, it actually implies that you are just a wretched poor thing who nobody really loves anyway, which is a socially off-putting assumption. Instead, maybe see that you ARE a person with excellent awareness, attention and sensitivity, and many other things and bring THAT. It's been my experience that the universe ALWAYS responds to rightness, and to a sincere human being. I'm sure you'll attract some people to relate to and give your love to, if that's what you choose to do and bring in your interactions with people.

Good luck!
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Admiral Akmir » Fri Mar 28, 2014 5:59 pm

The posts in this thread sum up exactly how I feel.

I've been reading some of Byron Katie's stuff recently, and she talked about going out with friends, and just sitting, not saying anything, but just listening to them, and responding when addressed. When I'm with friends, I tend to talk a lot. What the OP said really resonated with me, I talk differently around them, I act differently, I have to have the best story, I have to make them laugh, I need their approval.

The problem for me is that I'm seen as a joker, a funny guy, I feel frustrated because people don't really understand me, so there's this constant battle going on; the need for approval, and the false self that is created to try and fulfill that, and then the frustration that arises when people don't take me seriously, I feel like a joke, or a caricature of a person. Anxiety plays a big role, at least for me it does. If I feel uncomfortable, I exaggerate emotions to try and cover it up, because I'm afraid that people will see it and point it out, again, the frustration comes at having people respond and react to what they think is me, when really it's not.

It's kind of strange, when I'm alone I feel that I shouldn't be, I feel like I'm unhealthy and that I should have friends, but in the past when I've had a regular hangout place, I wasn't myself at all, and I changed my behavior to fit in, which brings unhappiness as well.

"I need your love, is that really true" is a good book that talks about this topic, I skimmed it over on Google books and really liked it, I recommend giving that a read.
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby sumbrero23 » Sun May 04, 2014 11:36 am

I can totally identify with what you are saying. But, you know what, you don't have to care at all! I see you are giving too much importance to your history.
And that's okay, because, we need to suffer to discover who we are. Don't fear nothing, of what other people think, of your self image, having no friends, and so on.
This worked for me: Just go out there, live your life, and learn from your mistakes. Maybe this is a great lesson for you, because, reading your text
Seems like your relationship with your friends, was merely superficial. Maybe it's time to let go. True friends will come when you open your mind and vibrate in higher levels.
For example: If you don't enjoy parties, maybe you are an introvert. Sometimes, we pretend to be somebody that we are not. And that causes paim
Relate to other people and the world, with total openess. And discover who you are, and what your prefferences are.
And in the other hand (ying-yang exposes itself), It's not bad to be alone, at all. You can do wathever you want for example: Cooking, walking in nature, meditate, reading, etc..


Over-thinking/analizing separates the body from the mind.
Fear is what kills our spirit. Thats why we pretend to be something we are not. To protect ourselves.
But there's nothing to be scared. When you feel your true nature, you have total power and clarity.
I think THIS is totally important, we suffer and hate and blame because we don't know the great power thats inside us.
See, observe, hear and feel with no limits, but you first, have to drop fear to experience your true self.
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Clouded » Mon May 05, 2014 1:21 am

Yeah, I am very introverted, I don't know if it's by nature or by nurture. In my childhood days, I used to crave being accepted into a social circle of friends, but I got rejected so many times (and when I was accepted in, they'd entertain themselves by giving me all of these dares to ridicule me/get me into trouble) that I finally realized that I feel better when I hang out by myself during recess instead of facing rejection/teasing day after day. I do get exhausted when I spend too much time with people; when I used to have sleepovers, I couldn't wait for my friend(s) to go home the next day so I can finally rest because it's tiresome to not be boring. I've always been a great listener, not much of a talker so I always attract friends who are really into themselves that when I finally have something what I deem as important to say about myself, they don't pay much attention to it and continue focusing the conversation on themselves (that's how my last 2 bffs were.) Maybe that's why the majority of my posts here are ME centred; to overcompensate for the lack of people caring about what I had to say in real life and when people here started suggesting to me that maybe I should quit posting on the forum, I took it as a form of rejection. Being lonely is safe and relaxing to me but sometimes I am embarrassed to be seen alone in public places and I wonder what is wrong with me (especially when I go to the restaurant and cinema by myself), sometimes I even feel like crying because I start to think that I am not worthy of anybody's company. What I usually do when I am seen alone, I pretend that I am texting to somebody I personally know but in reality I'm just writing on a forum haha.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby sumbrero23 » Mon May 05, 2014 2:04 am

Clouded wrote: I took it as a form of rejection. Being lonely is safe and relaxing to me but sometimes I am embarrassed to be seen alone in public places and I wonder what is wrong with me (especially when I go to the restaurant and cinema by myself), sometimes I even feel like crying because I start to think that I am not worthy of anybody's company. What I usually do when I am seen alone, I pretend that I am texting to somebody I personally know but in reality I'm just writing on a forum haha.



These are just beliefs you invested you time in. You are not inferior nor superior to anyone. And so them. If someone laughs about you or reject you so what? why would you get upset? Look for inner peace. Go inwardly and not externally. Do you think these people are ''happy''?
It's a desperately way to say ''hey, watch me I'm here and I need your attention''. They need to do that to someone, because they feel empty and worthless.
The most important thing is how you feel about youself. Not what someone does or do not does to you. I had been through the same struggles.
And I realized I was victimizing myself, an opinion is just an opinion. Don't search for guilty. Don't supress your feelings, let them express fully.
If you feel sad or anxious, feel it. Maybe your hands will be sweaty, or your stomach beign dizzy. If you evoid those things, they will keep coming.
You have to allow youself to suffer fully, and then, your sympthoms (because those feelings are generated by thoughts) will dissapear.

And this is normal, and it's a gradual process that leads you to freedom. Because our ego's don't want to die. And everyone has an ego.
Everytime you are feeling ''bad'', it's an oportunity to grow. You just have to pay attention without judging.
Victimization belongs to a low self steem ego. Superiority to a high steem ego. Both are destructive.
And let me say that, I think you are lucky. Because high egos are more dangerous than the other kind of type.
If you are a quiet persona, develop your personal strenghts. You gave an example: being a good listener.
There are plenty of good qualities we are not aware of. Use your thought for self-discovery, not for self-destruction.
Also, be more selfish. Live your life. Mind your own business. What makes you laugh, what generates interest in you, and so on.
Focusing on positive things will change your mind. ''Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens''.



maybe this could help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXI5fKDaZCI
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Re: The desire to be appreciated by other people my age

Postby Clouded » Mon May 05, 2014 10:32 am

I'll try to stop seeking for outside approval, my self worth is still attached to what others think of me because I still feel tense around other people and I can't easily brush this feeling off. I want to have friends who enjoy my company even when I'm not making a conscious effort for them to like me.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
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