how to release the pain

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

how to release the pain

Postby maristan » Tue Apr 22, 2014 7:07 pm

Hello all,
I am recovering myself from a non-reciprocal feeling. The suffering and pain made me feel incapable of doing simple things and I am depressed for years.
I am not in contact with this person anymore, but I still know something about his life in social websites, etc. And every time I see something about him, the pain returns. At the same time, I think it is better to know about him, because the lack of information makes me feel worst.

After a long time and when I was feeling better, an old relationship reappeared in my life, after many years with no contact. We started to talk for some months and I was feeling nice again. Due to karma, destiny or whatever..he was lying to me. He was dating other woman and suddenly, when the relationship started to bloom, he disappeared again, as he did in the first time. He was so confident at this time that I believed he had changed.

My old pain returned violently, a little bit due to this relationship reappearing in my life, but mainly because I remembered the suffering and my real love for the person I mentioned first.
I do not think I will forget this person, but I would like to live without this pain. I know that he is living a great life so I do not have reasons to be worried about him, but I still love him and what hurts me more is the fact that he probably will never talk to me anymore and he does not remember me. I miss talking to him, I would love to have him as my friend, just to be in touch, and this lack of contact causes me pain.
I tried to talk to him as a friend, but he never answered me back.
I do not know how to release this pain.

any kind of advice would be very apreciated.
Thank you
maristan
 
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby dijmart » Tue Apr 22, 2014 10:57 pm

When we try to hold onto something or someone and don't want to let go, then suffering can/will arise. Another words, if you are either pushing away or in your case grabbing for- something or someone, then you are not dealing with what "is", at this moment.

Sounds to me, like maybe you should grieve the loss of both people and move on with what "is", move forward with the flow of your life and maybe that would involve meeting someone else or maybe you should be alone for a little while. But, accepting this moment as it is, how it is, would be the best way to end your suffering, even if that means screaming and crying to get the pain "of this moment" out and grieve the loss you feel.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby peas » Wed Apr 23, 2014 7:23 am

Diji has kicked it off nicely.

With the acceptance will come a moment when you will see clearly what that 'relationship' was all about. It will be a "Aha!" kinda feeling. Maybe more than one. Don't try to get there. It comes with being present.
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby maristan » Wed Apr 23, 2014 6:04 pm

thank you for your kind words dijmart and peas

peas wrote:Diji has kicked it off nicely. With the acceptance will come a moment when you will see clearly what that 'relationship' was all about. It will be a "Aha!" kinda feeling. Maybe more than one. Don't try to get there. It comes with being present.


I cannot understand why it is happening like this, the Aha feelings.... What I always see is something "unfair". Am I wrong to think like this?

I know that this is an identification, but I am honest and loving person :) So why others cannot see it in me?
I'm "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" :( , the one who is not chosen, etc...

I was acting as the best friend, I think. I encourage him to make decisions, but my intention is to encourage him to make decision with me, but he decided for another person. This is not the first time it is happening to me.

I am acting like a best friend, like in a supporting role. And I am tired of this role, but this is me. I am not able to work as a best actor if you know what i mean...I cannot play with people.....I just don't know...

What Am I doing wrong?
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby dijmart » Thu Apr 24, 2014 12:38 am

maristan wrote:What Am I doing wrong?


In this moment, the thing you may be doing wrong, is to "think" you are doing something wrong. This can cause more suffering, then the loss itself. The way I see it, is that it just hasn't worked out...yet! :wink:
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby maristan » Mon May 05, 2014 4:03 am

thanks dijmart

Thinking about these encounters I had in my life, I still do not understand the reason why it happened.

The first person I was sentimentally involved was my best friend. We were always together (for more than 5 years) and he is a great guy and we were trying to find someone to love. He had been alone for years, me too, and suddenly we start to date. Ok, very nice... 2 or 3 weeks later he met a girl and married her in 4 months

Then I met this other guy....and I was in love, but he was involved with another woman and this woman got pregnant, while he was with me. Of course he did not tell me he was dating this woman, he finished with me when she got pregnant and I was told about it later.
A few months after I met other person, and he was involved with other person also. He became engaged 2 months after meeting me ( while he was with me!!). And of course he did not tell me. He also finished and just after I was told about his engagement.

Are we living in an age of dishonesty? Is this common?

The most scary thing I can observe, these guys are totally good guys in society and with their families. Very inteligent, peaceful, good workers.They look like awakened persons. Do you think I am "sleeping" here and they are right? :?
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby dijmart » Tue May 06, 2014 3:31 am

maristan wrote:Thinking about these encounters I had in my life, I still do not understand the reason why it happened.


((Hugs)) Unfortunately, we just don't know why things happen as they do, perhaps it's what you needed to grow. Without this pain would you be on this forum?

The first person I was sentimentally involved was my best friend. We were always together (for more than 5 years) and he is a great guy and we were trying to find someone to love. He had been alone for years, me too, and suddenly we start to date. Ok, very nice... 2 or 3 weeks later he met a girl and married her in 4 months


Perhaps this "dating" was more a convenience, at the time, then love. Maybe it grew to love for you, but not for him? You wouldn't want him to stay just to make you happy, because in the end he would resent you and that's no way to live, for him or you.

He became engaged 2 months after meeting me ( while he was with me!!). And of course he did not tell me. He also finished and just after I was told about his engagement.


Now, this other guy sounds like a slime ball! Thank goodness he left, he really did you a favor. I know you can't see that now, but he was a cheater and will probably cause misery for this other woman in the long run.

Are we living in an age of dishonesty? Is this common?


This one I can't answer. I met my husband 26 yrs ago and haven't been on the market since, but I can tell you that there were cheaters and liars back then too.

Do you think I am "sleeping" here and they are right? :?


What are they right about? I think you're much too hard on yourself, you're hurt, it's understandable, but don't create more of a story out of it then necessary. That will bring more and more suffering. You liked/loved them and now they're gone. Time to move on, after the grieving process, of course :wink:

This too shall pass....
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby maristan » Tue May 06, 2014 9:54 pm

thanks,

what I've learned from this experience is that some people are always trying to protect themselves, no matter what.
they do not think about the other feelings, what matters here is their own feelings.
I agree when you have to love yourself first, live in the moment, but for me, when you interfere in someones life, when you are in touch with other person, you should act as you act with yourself, with respect and love.
maybe life will show them what is really true, maybe not...but it is not my business
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby nutrition » Tue Jun 03, 2014 12:25 pm

what you are facing is called codependency. you feel your life is not manageable without this man.
I am in a similar situation, in love with a man who does not reciprocate.
I had a father who was a cheater, an alcoholic and thus never home. Not a reliable parent, mostly un-predicable, you never knew in which mood he would be in...and the only way he showed attention to me was through putting me down, making fun of me or beating me up.
So I seek men like my father. Emotionally unavailable, who put me down and who are totally unreliable...
blessing
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby blissedandzen14 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:07 am

I am dealing with something vaguely similar. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago due to my inability to control my behaviors when I drink alcohol, which I have a problem with. When he broke up with me I spiraled into depression and developed insanely severe inner pain with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, grief etc... The pain was so severe it's what caused me to begin searching spiritually because I knew there was something wrong with feeling that horrible over a breakup and that what I need can't possibly be in another person who can leave me at anytime, didn't make sense. This is how I found out about Tolle and his teachings. I'm still dealing with the pain, but it's slowly getting better. I've learning and realizing so much about myself as a result of this breakup. I've realized that I was addicted to how he made me feel and all the pain I felt when he left was everything I was covering up by using him to make myself feel better, coming back up to the surface all at once. I deal with the pain by just watching in it and relaxing into it, surrendering to it. This is hard for me of course because I have spent my entire life reaching outside of myself for things to make me feel better such as complaining to everyone about my problems, alcohol and men. I do the best I can, but do fall back on my addictions sometimes, but even though I do I'm seeing the thoughts and feelings that make me fall into my addictions whereas I was totally unaware of any of this before. I'm also learning how not to judge myself for my mistakes which is big for me because I basically hated myself for the things I did which now I see only threw me right back into them. I'm also seeing how I prolong the pain when I reach outside of myself to feel better in this way instead of enduring the pain to it's end, but again these are all things I didn't see before so I am still a step ahead. I guess I said all this to say...just surrender to and watch the pain and all of the associated feelings and emotions. This is what will wake you up and you'll start seeing yourself and what part you play in the situations you mentioned so that you can break free from it and relate to the right men in the right way in the future as well as learn to be content when you are alone. I'm new to all this so I don't have a full understanding of all this yet, but I do see that surrendering to what is and "watching" is the key.
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby blissedandzen14 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:09 am

I am dealing with something vaguely similar. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago due to my inability to control my behaviors when I drink alcohol, which I have a problem with. When he broke up with me I spiraled into depression and developed insanely severe inner pain with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, grief etc...

The pain was so severe it is what caused me to begin searching spiritually because I knew there was something wrong with feeling that horrible over a breakup and that what I need can't possibly be in another person who can leave me at anytime, didn't make sense. This is how I found out about Tolle and his teachings. I'm still dealing with the pain, but it's slowly getting better. I'm learning and realizing so much about myself as a result of this breakup. I've realized that I was addicted to how he made me feel and all the pain I felt when he left was everything I was covering up by using him to make myself feel better, coming back up to the surface all at once.

I deal with the pain by just watching in it and relaxing into it, surrendering to it. This is hard for me of course because I have spent my entire life reaching outside of myself for things to make me feel better such as complaining to everyone about my problems, alcohol and men. I do the best I can, but do fall back on my addictions sometimes, but even though I do, I'm now seeing the thoughts and feelings that make me fall into my addictions whereas I was totally unaware of any of this before. I'm also learning how not to judge myself for my mistakes which is big for me because I basically hated myself for the things I did which now I see only threw me right back into them. I'm also seeing how I prolong the pain when I reach outside of myself to feel better in this way instead of enduring the pain to it's end, but again these are all things I didn't see before so I am still a step ahead.

I guess I said all this to say...just surrender to and watch the pain and all of the associated feelings and emotions. This is what will wake you up and you'll start seeing yourself and what part you play in the situations you mentioned so that you can break free from it and relate to the right men in the right way in the future as well as learn to be content when you are alone. I'm new to all this so I don't have a full understanding of all this yet, but I do see that surrendering to what is and "watching" is the key.
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Re: how to release the pain

Postby maristan » Sun Jun 29, 2014 4:26 am

Hi blissedandzen14,

I think I can understand you because I felt an "insanely severe inner pain with feelings of emptiness" also. This pain was like a physical pain, for years.
I was not able to see other things in my life. The food had no taste, I was not able to listen to other people, the only thing I was able to think was about him, why he did not feel the same for me.

Today he is a father and his child is wonderful. I do not know nothing about his wife and his life nowadays. But it is strange, I wish good things to them. I know that he is happy, so I think it was the right decision for him.

I think about him every day. But I understand that maybe, I was not prepared. I am starting to see things differently now. Life has a different meaning for me after this pain. I am not able to wish things or situations, I am just accepting what comes into my life and whats goes away. Still feeling hurted and sad sometimes, but it is just what it is...

thank you for your words.
maristan
 
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