This is another one of my annoying self-pity posts, no need for anybody to reply to me, I just felt that I needed to share this experience with anybody who is willing to read this and forgive me that this is the forum that I have chosen to type this.
As many of you probably know already, I no longer have any friends; they all gave up on me when I was going through a rough time. This has been going on for more than a year and this lack of being surrounded by people my age is bothering me a lot, even more recently and you will see why. I am in serious need of interacting with people besides my own parents, and to compensate for that, all of my day-to-day conversations happen on forums, chat sites and webcam sites. My social life practically occurs on the internet and my parents see it as a bad thing, but I have no place else to go to have lasting conversations with people. If I'm lucky (which happens once in a blue moon), when I go out in public, it's usually small talk (we're talking 1 to 10 minutes) and then I never see these people again. I realized that it's even harder to make real-life friends when you are not in school/at work and right now, this feels impossible so I'm opting for the next best thing, thank god for the internet or else I would go insane. Anyways, a couple of days ago, I did something that I regret and I wish I never thought about doing in the first place because now my mind is filled with garbage and I feel more depressed than when I started.
When I feel extra lonely and feel like staring at a text is not enough to satisfy my social needs because it's like i'm talking to a robot, I go on webcam sites and meet all sorts of people who make me feel less cut from the world. With some exceptions, most of my webcam experiences have been quite enjoyable and it's refreshing to see people who don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks (I think it takes a lot of courage to reveal how you look to a couple of strangers). Usually my convos last up to an hour because we can't think of anything else to say to each other or have to return to our lives, but it was different with this one random guy, I felt a strong connection to him. I think we chatted for 4 hours straight and it was the happiest 4 hours of my entire break from school, heck make that of the last 3 years of my life. I have never felt so energized and so creative in my thinking, I forgot about everything that made me feel sadness because I was having so much fun in his company. Anyways I won't give an entire description of how amazing I thought he was because I know that nobody cares and this is besides the point that I am trying to make. I agreed with all your gurus that nobody is responsible for your own happiness but yourself but can I just say that he was a damn good DISTRACTION from my perpetual negative thinking. He liked my awkwardness, he thought it was adorable and I felt that I could tell him anything that popped up in my mind without being afraid of his reaction, I was so comfortable with him and I thought that this conversation will never end until my dad came downstairs to the basement where I was hiding myself at 5AM because I'm not allowed to stay up that late.
He came downstairs to get a drink and he saw that the lights were on (I usually keep them off but I was on my webcam) and I had earphones on and forgot all about trying to be sneaky while my parents are sleeping and he startled me when I heard his loud footsteps come downstairs and saw his angry expression, ready to lash at me. I was in a state of panic and I quickly reacted, I typed ''sry I g2g'' and I closed the website (because I certainly DID NOT want my dad to see what I was doing on the computer at 5AM), knowing that I will never see him again because the website chooses random people for you and we didn't ask to exchange emails (I think he would've asked for my email so we can keep in touch before I left) and that was it. One moment, I was in heaven with happiness bursting out of my being, then I quickly descended into hell. After the shock had dissipated, I wanted to break my dad's neck into two, I was extremely angry at him but I didn't show it. After he was done yelling to me, I went to bed and silently cried on my pillow.
I got a taste of it (whatever that was) and now I want more and I know it's not wise to want more. I felt like I had something wonderful going for me and then I let it slip away. I am never going to see him again and it kills me inside, I fucked up but I had no choice, I never have a choice with my dad, especially when he's angry at me. I am convincing myself to at least consider the possibility that this guy was a douche bag and a player who was picking up random girls from the internet. 4 hours is not enough to really know somebody and people lie on the internet all the time. I also took some print screen shots of us because I wanted to remember the first time (and only time) we met but every time I viewed the pictures, it brought conflicting feelings, mostly negative ones, so I deleted them all. Nothing seems to work out for me. I am also back to watching Mooji. Thanks for reading.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak