Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby vandu » Fri Jul 25, 2014 2:41 am

Hello! I'm a stay at home mother of a 3.5 year old. My husband accuses me quite frequently of not doing enough around the house. sometimes he yells. he often sounds harsh. I enjoy cleaning and doing whatever needs to be done around the house. I cook, do the dishes, laundry, tidy the house, feed my son healthy foods, pack meals, clean messes, ..it all gets done. but i do things at my own pace and in the way that makes sense to me, based on my energy and time of day. I'm not able to do everything above that which my husband wants me to do or i forget. health is very important to me, as I suffered from a health problem in the past. as a mother of a small child, it's even more important to me to be strong and healthy, take rest as needed, and take good care of my son. Community is also very important to me, and for that reason i make sure to meet with friends and have some social time while my son plays with their kids.

my husband is a hard worker and he does a lot at home as well. when he comes home and sees things in disarray he gets upset. I try to tidy up the place but usualy something needs to be done like dishes, cooking dinner etc. my husband is a busy body and will do things at home but he will often feel like he's doing them due to my incompetence..and he does with a painbody energy at times. I know that part of my low energy comes from a desire to suffer..ie, not be present. when my husband is in his painbody, he accuses me, and gets angry easily about things. sometimes i find i give him his space to say what he needs to say. and then everything is fine. but sometimes i find, because of the pain i experience, that i need to give myself space. sometimes afterward I'm fine. but other times, i feel a rift because of this space. this again is my ego wanting some reconciliation. some acknowledgement from him, a touch, a hug. this might be true if he yelled at me really hard, or accused me too many times . but it really depends on how present i am.

so as i'm writing this out, I'm thinking of two concerns I have:
1) when i feel hurt by something my husband said and need space, i feel better afterward. i see that it was his painbody. but when i see him again i experience new pain if he doesn't do anything..ie., no affection, or acknowledgment for his behavior. so then there is fresh pain in me. i understand that it's my ego that wants/needs the acknowledgement or affection. I've told him that when his painbody takes over, and he says things he didn't mean, that if he just acknowledges it later, that will be wonderful. but this is a need of my ego. so there is a new pain associated with this. and sometimes this new pain becomes more intense if my husband has more critical things to say. so first i experience a pain from being put down, devalued, etc. then a new pain from him essentially not making up for it, or doing more of the same. if the pain wasn't there, i could give him a hug myself. as what i want is connection. i imagine all i can do if i don't want to suffer, is to feel this new pain? then maybe I'd give him the hug.

i feel like asking if there is something helpful i can say to my husband? but maybe even the answer to that can only come from presence. but i'll take suggestions :)

2) the next part is how to channel my painbody. if he accuses me a few times sometimes I'm able to let it slide. it's his painbody. and if he gets over it I'm fine. but if he continues to.and i feel his painbody energy..eventually yet suddenly (and predictably) i have a painbody attack as I'm feeling enough is enough. when this happens, how can I channel this high momentum energy in a kinder more helpful way. it's so strong. i want to do something to prove to him how ridiculous he's being. how wrong he is. last time he was upset i didn't do something he had asked me to do and i had agreed to do. i did other things that were more immediately important..dishes/cooking, feeding our son, whereas what he wanted me to do was not urgent. when i finally had time to do it, i was tired and needed to rest. so i did it the next day, when i had the time and the energy. i didn't mind this as what i had said to him was not written in stone. things come up. but he wasn't able to understand this and I felt his painbody energy all evening. i let him have his space, but it hurt to see him like that. the next morning i had a presence gathering (which i had scheduled a month before) and when i told him about it, he accused me of having time for that but not cleaning the room (the thing he wanted me to do). my painbody came out and i threw some of his snacks in the trash. i spend so much time cooking foods from scratch for our son, and i cook healthy, delicious meals for the family. i don't mind if my husband gives him some snacks occasionally, but i threw them away because my painbody was saying "how can you say i don't do anything when I'm taking such good care of our son. way more than giving him these processed snacks."
so then my husband stayed angry with me rest of day. his pain body depleted the next day and so did mine.

i didn't have to throw his snacks but my painbody took over and i became loud and wanted to Prove, and provoke, etc. I try desperately to "justify" myself and reason with him. it's madness I know. and then I feel depleted later. for days I experience low energy. what can i do when i feel this energy coming on so fast and furious, so i don't say and do things to hurt my husband?

I truly don't want to hurt my husband. only my painbody does. i feel the answer for me lies in a lot of feeling feeling feeling of pain. i know presence is the answer..but i sometimes cant' be present fast enough for the painful feelings that come up.

Well Eckhart said we have an infinite number of second chances. that's wonderful. but i would love any suggestions on how to inspire myself to be present when the pain comes. thank you.
vandu
 
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby Maire » Tue Jul 29, 2014 12:52 am

Hello Vandu

I logged in this evening thinking of posting a question/request for helpful ideas and wondering how to word it. When I read yours, you could be me. One or two details of my story would differ but so few it amazed me. Unfortunately I don't have much of an answer for you since my problem is exactly the same as yours - possibly worse. My husband has two sides, one is the nice guy he presents to the world (this was what I thought I married) but the other side - meet the crazy painbody. He gets angry and shouts - yes, about the housework too and a few other issues he finds with me, basically using any fault to demean me and put me down. I could not talk to him about Eckhart Tolle and painbodies though, because he has a religion of his own which he is quite serious about and it would probably make him more angry if I brought it up.

I'm thinking there are probably many women out there who have the exact same issue, maybe this in itself might be a hint for the solution. I generally stay calm and very rarely let my painbody loose - not just because of Eckhart Tolle but it is just my nature to be calm usually. I find he seems to run out of steam if I don't engage with him, or just give very simple answers such as "I do what I'm able to do". At least he has never hit me but still there can be violence in words, can't there? Just because I don't have bruises doesn't make it a healthy relationship. In my case, he doesn't apologise but returns to "normal" and acts like nothing happened. If I mention it, he will fob me of and not want to discuss it at all.

Sorry if I have hijacked your thread but I thought you might be interested to know there are more of us out there. I will be awaiting a reply for both of us!
I have lived with several zen masters - all of them cats. - Eckhart Tolle
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby Manyana » Tue Jul 29, 2014 10:31 pm

Hi vandu,

From a practical point of view maybe use a daily work rota for both of you, that you and your husband agree on. Anything he wants done beyond that you could agree that he will ask you nicely, and you could give him a realistic time you think you will get it done by - rather than agreeing to it, not being able to do it and him getting angry/critical. He can then agree to accept whatever realistic time is stated. Realistic is important because you can only work with whatever your current energy level is (and being criticised a lot is likely to further decrease that level). Also sometimes for jobs that make you feel tired just at the thought of them a reward system works well - it can hugely increase your energy.


For you and Maire: couples therapy can be brilliant at moving a relationship onto a much healthier place, often in a very quick space of time. Or in helping you to move on from each other, if it is clear that is the best option.


In terms of pain-body I have found the following Eckhart talks valuable if you can get them:

Living the Liberated Life and Dealing with the Pain-body (talks about couples in this)

Dissolving the Pain-body
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby vandu » Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:55 am

Dear Maire, thanks so much for your reply. no you havne't hijacked. your situation does sound very similar. it's wonderful you can stay calm through this. but i know that doesn't mean inside you are. yes i'm sure there are other women experiencing this, as well as other men with their wives.

the main thing is i know it doesn't help me to feel like a victim. it helps me more to remember that my husband is not his painbody. but knowing it intellectually only goes so far. I seriously have to feel the pain that comes up inside of me..and it comes up fast and furious. so i have not usually been the space for my husband's painbody occurrence. Similar to yours, my husband too often just pretends nothing happened. i have to say when i too let go of needing him to apologize, i can really enjoy the now. I think of small children, and how one will hit the other or do something bad. the other cries and gets upset. but then, even with no apology, the two of them go back happily playing. i've seen this many times. only my ego says.. why should i? he was so mean to me, i didn't deserve it, and he iddn't even apologize.

no it's not a healthy way to relate to yell at your spouse. but.. it i feel it becomes even unhealthier when i then yell back, or withdraw affection, etc. I've a little boy so sometimes it helps me to remember what i really want..which is to be present. I believe there are very few non-dysfunctional relationships.

Did you read the section in Power of Now on relationships? I love it.. and remember the part where Eckhart says something to the effect of..how many people does it take to bring consciousness into the relationship? only one.

Still understanding all of the above, sometimes i do wish i knew how to channel my painbody energy which comes fast and furious. or when i feel stuck in my painbody like molasses, wishing something outside of my control happens, etc. So if people have suggestions to my queries in my first message please do share.

Marie, i added you as a 'friend' hoping i could write to you privately but wasnt' able to. But i'd love to stay in touch. Perhapse we can support each other in being extra present during these challenges.

Manyana, thanks for your suggestions. I will work on that. i have talked to him about cleaning car on fridays and doing bathrooms together on saturdays. but somehow things come up and i'm not able to stick with it always..or it's not always needed, but perhaps we can do more of that..naming a day/time for doing some kind of work. because i'm already feel stretched thing i end up feeling resentful when i'm yelled at and forget to offer these kind of suggestions, so thank you.
He's not interested in therapy. i am cautious of it becuase i've gone to someone who did'nt work for me. and i felt worse..even more a victim. she said husband's behavior is bullying, and told me about some male chiouvenist book.. and told me about her saucy way of handling her husband. i am not interested in strategies..or finding out how poor i am to be with a bully. i only want to be powerful and present in the face of my husband's anger (which she said she wanted to help me with). i like the way seh worded it. only that can happen when one stays present. not just calm on outside, but really gets in their inner body when the pain is coming. feeling feeling. step by step. i'm angry an dhurt..and then i take a step down the stairs, and another. and another. pain comes back.. keep feeling my feet. it requires such focus, but peace comes.

I may check out the videos you suggested, thanks. i have some of his DVDs and he talks about painbody..but not so much about this scenario. in PON he talks about it in relationship section. Being the space for it..not confusing it for the person. Breathe. lol.



Thanks Manyana for your suggestions.
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby Maire » Sat Aug 02, 2014 1:43 am

Vandu - I have added you as a friend now. I'm hoping more people will read the thread because we could probably both do with the input of the more enlightened. I see what you mean about not feeding the ego by demanding an apology and making him admit he's wrong etc. Generally I am not that type of person - I'm closer to the child who just goes onto whatever's next. But my husband sees things in terms of right and wrong and for him it can only be one or the other. Some behavior needs to change - when anger and aggression come in, I don't think we should really let it continue, though I am passive myself. I ignore or don't see trivial faults at all - I can't see why people fight about silly habits, untidiness and that kind of thing - I can totally let him be himself until that anger and agression come into it (he has not yet been physically violent but the threat is still there in the tone of voice).

I have read the Power of Now, Stillness Speaks and A New Earth and often look into them again for inspiration. Accepting what is doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't change things that are making us unhappy. It is more to not build the whole thing into more problem to add to your story and your ego identity. As you say, it is all too easy to make a "victim" identity out of the situation. Is it really reflecting something back about yourself to you? Sometimes I can see this myself - have I somehow manifested this situation? But be careful because that can turn into blaming yourself for someone else's behavior.

I really hope it is true that one conscious person is all it takes. Well, I am working on it anyway. Have you seen Mooji's videos? I am finding them helpful.

Manyana: yes, it is a good idea to have a rota - I'm not that type of person usually but I think I will try it. I can't see my husband agreeing to counselling, he would just say there was nothing wrong with him. I might do it myself. Thanks for suggestions.
I have lived with several zen masters - all of them cats. - Eckhart Tolle
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Aug 02, 2014 6:21 am

Have you considered that you are speaking ... interpreting different 'love language' to your spouses? I'm hearing ...from my pov and then 'his pov'.... in separation rather than in understanding.

What makes one feel loved, honoured, treasured, secure and happy allows 'stressors' & 'disappointments' and 'misunderstandings' to be absorbed in love, rather than enacted upon 'irrationally'. But, it seems that we all have different ways of feeling loved and things that signify to us that we are loved. A love language that when spoken (or enacted) says You are loved - you are perfectly wonderful, you are safe. If we are not seeing any evidence of our love language being understood then we're floundering around in the dark and trying to get our love language enacted or at least acknowledged and accepted.

Dr Gary Chapman writes books and holds couple therapy sessions based on five love languages - and that you likely 'pick' someone with a different primary, and even possibly secondary love languages to your own. If you were too 'alike' there would be no excitement. So the love languages - the things that can make us go all gooey to putty
...
Words of affirmation (who doesn't like to hear their name and nice things in the same sentence :wink: )
Acts of service .... (when someone does something for us that we appreciate.... luuuurrrrvvvvv)
Receiving gifts .... (not any gift, but one that says I know you, and I thought about you)
Quality time ..... (what is more loving than fully giving your attention to someone else)
Physical touch ... ( purrrrrrr :wink: )

We tend to have a natural 'hierarchy' of these 'expressions' a primary one which definitely tells us we are loved, a secondary one that reassures us we are loved and the others give us 'hints' that we are loved.
So for example, if someone's primary is Quality Time and their secondary is Physical Touch, and they are in relationship with someone whose primary is Acts of service and secondary is Words of affirmation, there might be a whole lot of underlying misunderstanding about what is 'important' and what is 'not'.

The gift of understanding these 'differences' how they are expressed and even hinted at, and that neither is more 'right' or more 'wrong' they're just 'different' is that we can choose to absolutely willingly, awarely and consciously gift our relationships with expressing the others' language and letting our partners know what ours is too. Not subvertly or overtly just honestly and lovingly in gratitude & generosity in balance. Honesty is the highest form of love (NDW).

So in this sense ET is right that only one need be conscious in a relationship. It permeates the relationship, creates a 'safer environment' and breeds its own loving energy.

But it is helpful if one understands there are more ways than one to feel loved and appreciated.

I'll post a blog post from their website that may speak to this, below.
Last edited by smiileyjen101 on Sat Aug 02, 2014 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Aug 02, 2014 6:26 am

Love Stimulates Love
Love is a choice.

We can request love, but we cannot demand love. We cannot make our spouse speak our love language. However, though we can’t control our spouse, we can control our attitude and our behavior.

The good news is that love stimulates love. And though the object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love, it is a fact that when we receive love, we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.

Try this…

Choose an attitude of love. Learn the love language of your spouse and speak it on a regular basis. Then, three months down the road, you can say to them,

‘On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming from me?’

If they give you a seven, eight, nine, ten—you’re at the top. Or if they say anything less than ten, you say,

‘What can I do to bring it up to a ten or bring it up to a nine?’

They’ll probably give you a suggestion. To the best of your ability, you do that.

Repeat this process every two weeks by simply asking your spouse what you can do to love them better, and taking their answer to heart.

There’s a good chance that, before long, they’re going to say, ‘Well, wait a minute here. I’m turning this around. On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming from me?’”

Before you know it, they’ll be working to love you as well as you have loved them.

And that is exactly how love stimulates love.


The love languages can be learned and understood, get lots of helpful relationship info, and even do a quiz to help you see the 'hierarchy' and expressions of the languages at

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Even understanding your other family and friends languages truly makes for more harmonious relationships.

I would make a 'disclaimer' here though....
There’s a good chance that, before long, they’re going to say, ‘Well, wait a minute here. I’m turning this around. On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming from me?’”

'they' also may not.

As well as different languages and motivators we have different levels of awareness, capacity and willingness when it comes to showing love, or even knowing what 'love' is. And that's a whole other relationship minefield, I find best covered in Conversations with God. Wherein it does not include allowing another to abuse - misuse you nor you abusing / misusing another as a means to an end to feel good about your self. It's balanced in gratitude & generosity flowing both ways.

As in one would not expect a sociopath or a narcissist to even give a crap what your love language is (it's not that they are unwilling, its that they are incapable to the same degrees as others). As long as theirs is being fulfilled they're completely happy that that is 'normal' and the best possible scenario. A balanced relationship has give and take and not all I give and you take, or the other way around. Although it's not always understood if it is totally and permanently unbalanced, or just misunderstood or unreciprocated in awareness, as above.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby Maire » Sat Aug 02, 2014 1:19 pm

Smiileyjen: Thanks for that. Well, I tried the love language test and my top one was Quality Time and second one was Words of Affirmation. I wouldn't dare mention any of this to my husband but his top one would easily be Acts of Service.

As in one would not expect a sociopath or a narcissist to even give a crap what your love language is (it's not that they are unwilling, its that they are incapable to the same degrees as others).


Unfortunately I fear my husband has these tendencies but not to the point where it is a mental illness. Just a personality trait. Sometimes I wonder am I like this myself. I do care about others but I am somewhat self contained. Neither of us ever go on about how much we love each other. He goes to work, I do the "housewife" thing, our main shared interest is our children, their activities, schooling etc. When I got "Words of Affirmation" as my second important love language, I suppose I said I would prefer more talking and communication than gifts. Not particularly "I love you" and compliments all the time, just more respect and acknowledging that I am entitled to an opinion. I suppose we could trade "Acts of Service" for "Quality Time".
I have lived with several zen masters - all of them cats. - Eckhart Tolle
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby jollymon » Sat Aug 09, 2014 10:12 pm

I am a follower of ET for the past 5 years. I have read and listened to POV and ANE over and over to continue to overcome my shortcomings. I feel I have made great strides but still have more to do. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, have 3 kids and a business we run together. We experience the same issues mentioned in this post. I have become through the teachings of ET a calmer and gentler person. The things that were important to me before are not anymore. I now and looking for a state of Zen, peace and harmony with my world. I have gone to great legnths to avoid being critical of my wife but there are times she will start a project and not finish it or just never get to things that need to be done. I am looking for a more organized home because I feel it keeps my mind clear rather than seeing clutter. For several years I tried to let it go but now I want to tackle the clutter myself. So I have offered to take care of things that need to be sold, donated, thrown away and but they come with resistance from my wife and I am told to leave them alone and she will deal with it. But that can come after 6 months or never. In her credit she does do some of her projects. Like you she says they are not important or a priority. As an example however we have a closet of her old clothes that need to be taken to a consignment store which she agrees needs to be done but that project has sat idle for 8 years. When I question her about them she becomes angry and if I push for a solution she can get abusive by yelling and shouting.

So far the posts are somewhat similar to the previous entries but this is where it takes a turn. When anger and abuse enter into a relationship we know that our spouse is being unconscious. Sometimes that draws us into unconsciousness too but with ET teachings we can at least see our mistake and learn to avoid it next time with practice and awareness. Our spouses as of yet not learned awareness and mindfulness and that we are not our minds as we have or are learning. The spouse interprets a situation based on something that is in their mind which then becomes an emotion which than becomes a reaction (Shouting). From there it can lead to resentment and grievances which carry far into the future.

One excerpt from POV that hits home here is the following. "This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate — in love — or move ever more deeply into the Now together, into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple." I am at the point that I am asking myself this. If our spouses chose to stay unconscious or unawaken and unwilling to learn the teachings of ET so we can be in the Now together, why should we spend the rest our lives with a person that wants to draw us into unconsciousness. Why not separate in love as ET puts it and change our life situation to distance ourselves from a person with a dense pain body. This same question is for me and yourselves that are living with people who seem trapped in their mind. Especially the religions types that follow doctrine and ideologies that are often useless in modern times.

I know that each of our lives are complicated and the we have some motivation to continue to tolerate their pain bodies but if we are writing about it on these blogs we are aware of it affecting our peace and the question perhaps is how badly do we want the change in our life situation.

We have tried therapy but my spouse does not like being told what she is not doing right and feels I am the only one that needs help. Additionally she tells me that ET is nonsense and that what does he know he has no wife or kids. ET does not live in the real world. She says stop listening to that garbage and start treating me the way I want. I would like to treat her the way I want but her unconscious episodes keep breaking my love down. Just the other day I confronted her and asked her if her happiness is dependent on what I do and don't do and she said yes. She suffers from shoulder pain, stomach pain and headaches which no doctor can find a cause. I know the cause is the body's reaction to the emotions she harbors which is a reaction to her thoughts. When I explain this she says it is the pain I am causing her.

My question is why you two want to stay with someone that will not awaken? Are you hoping one day they may? ET says people go their whole life and never awaken. What hope do you have that you can share with me to believe it will ever improve knowing the limitations of your spouse? Are you willing to miss out on a better relationship with a person that is more conscious?
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby Onceler » Sun Aug 10, 2014 1:29 pm

I have found that as I become more aware, the people around me become more aware, including my wife. It really starts with us. Our relationship was similar to the ones you describe, pretty much constant stress and pain body engagement.....I blamed her for her unaware state, but found it was me that amped things up and even created negativity and pain.....even when I thought I was the aware one! I too considered leaving someone who did not 'get it' or was so unaware, but that would have meant leaving myself :wink: , which, in essence, is what I did.....the false self anyway.

I would say stay focused on you. Get a taste of you, your raw essence, your essential nature, and go there when you think to. Don't focus on what needs to be changed in your partner.....if you change, they will change, as they are an extension of you and your world. My wife is not into spiritual matters at all, but she did do the simple act of looking at herself (how does it feel to be me?) as she saw the changes in me from doing this, and the unfolding of that has sweetened our relationship immensely.
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby jollymon » Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:35 pm

Thank you Onceler

I agree with your ideas conceptually. In practice and getting things done I am not sure how to apply this. As an example my spouse agreed to take on the job of hiring a vendor to revamp our web site 3 months ago. The new web site is essential to getting more sales in our business. She made a few inquiries about 1 month ago and since then the project has stalled. It is not as if she does not have the time. She can watch TV in the morning and evening and on the weekends but not get this done. A year ago, knowing her style of not moving projects forward I starting just taking actions or steps in other areas of our company without telling her or consulting her. While they were minor steps they still came to her as a surprise and resentment that I did not consult her or get her advice. I know how to make our business succeed better than she does however I do not tell her this so on many issues if we discuss it often it ends in confrontation and disagreement. So this time around I said why don't you work on the web site. 3 months later now that the project is not started when it should have been completed and up and running by now I am faced with taking it away from her and doing it myself. I have no resentment towards her in this as I have come to accept her inabilities. My challenge is confronting the negativity that will come when I pull the project from her and do it myself. Whatever the outcome, it will be greeted with you should not have done it this way or that. This problem related to this one item exists on many items that is pointless to mention here but you mat be getting the idea. So in response to your ideas of waiting for the other person to become aware, I do not have time from a business point of view and even on a personal level I don't know if it is worth waiting years for the relationship to improve. I don't know if you had a business with your spouse but when one person is unconscious in that business it certainly adds a new level of challenges to the equation.
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Re: Responding to spouse's harshness and painbody

Postby Onceler » Sun Aug 10, 2014 7:47 pm

I believe changing yourself goes deeper than all that.....the surface stuff. Over time it is powerful, a depth charge that reverberates thru our lives and the lives of others. I can't say this is true for you, of course, but it was true for me when all looked rather hopeless in our relationship. I would encourage you to ask, 'how does it feel to be me?' And then look at and feel the answer. Do this when you think of it. When the timing is right, ask your wife to do it as well (she doesn't even have to believe in it and it only takes a couple of seconds, but seeing ones raw essence is extremely powerful). This will change things over time.....although it will get worse before it gets better. Then fear drops away and your left to live a sane life.

That's all I've got....change yourself and the world changes. It sounds as though you too are conditioned to behave certain ways and expect certain outcomes....' My challange is confronting the negativity that will come when I pull the project from her....' This may well happen, but it doesn't need to be this way. You don't need to dance your usual steps. Leave the door open for a different outcome. I know it sounds easy, simplistic. In fact it is simple (looking and touching on your raw essence.....all change begins with this act).
Be present, be pleasant.
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