Hello! I'm a stay at home mother of a 3.5 year old. My husband accuses me quite frequently of not doing enough around the house. sometimes he yells. he often sounds harsh. I enjoy cleaning and doing whatever needs to be done around the house. I cook, do the dishes, laundry, tidy the house, feed my son healthy foods, pack meals, clean messes, ..it all gets done. but i do things at my own pace and in the way that makes sense to me, based on my energy and time of day. I'm not able to do everything above that which my husband wants me to do or i forget. health is very important to me, as I suffered from a health problem in the past. as a mother of a small child, it's even more important to me to be strong and healthy, take rest as needed, and take good care of my son. Community is also very important to me, and for that reason i make sure to meet with friends and have some social time while my son plays with their kids.
my husband is a hard worker and he does a lot at home as well. when he comes home and sees things in disarray he gets upset. I try to tidy up the place but usualy something needs to be done like dishes, cooking dinner etc. my husband is a busy body and will do things at home but he will often feel like he's doing them due to my incompetence..and he does with a painbody energy at times. I know that part of my low energy comes from a desire to suffer..ie, not be present. when my husband is in his painbody, he accuses me, and gets angry easily about things. sometimes i find i give him his space to say what he needs to say. and then everything is fine. but sometimes i find, because of the pain i experience, that i need to give myself space. sometimes afterward I'm fine. but other times, i feel a rift because of this space. this again is my ego wanting some reconciliation. some acknowledgement from him, a touch, a hug. this might be true if he yelled at me really hard, or accused me too many times . but it really depends on how present i am.
so as i'm writing this out, I'm thinking of two concerns I have:
1) when i feel hurt by something my husband said and need space, i feel better afterward. i see that it was his painbody. but when i see him again i experience new pain if he doesn't do anything..ie., no affection, or acknowledgment for his behavior. so then there is fresh pain in me. i understand that it's my ego that wants/needs the acknowledgement or affection. I've told him that when his painbody takes over, and he says things he didn't mean, that if he just acknowledges it later, that will be wonderful. but this is a need of my ego. so there is a new pain associated with this. and sometimes this new pain becomes more intense if my husband has more critical things to say. so first i experience a pain from being put down, devalued, etc. then a new pain from him essentially not making up for it, or doing more of the same. if the pain wasn't there, i could give him a hug myself. as what i want is connection. i imagine all i can do if i don't want to suffer, is to feel this new pain? then maybe I'd give him the hug.
i feel like asking if there is something helpful i can say to my husband? but maybe even the answer to that can only come from presence. but i'll take suggestions
2) the next part is how to channel my painbody. if he accuses me a few times sometimes I'm able to let it slide. it's his painbody. and if he gets over it I'm fine. but if he continues to.and i feel his painbody energy..eventually yet suddenly (and predictably) i have a painbody attack as I'm feeling enough is enough. when this happens, how can I channel this high momentum energy in a kinder more helpful way. it's so strong. i want to do something to prove to him how ridiculous he's being. how wrong he is. last time he was upset i didn't do something he had asked me to do and i had agreed to do. i did other things that were more immediately important..dishes/cooking, feeding our son, whereas what he wanted me to do was not urgent. when i finally had time to do it, i was tired and needed to rest. so i did it the next day, when i had the time and the energy. i didn't mind this as what i had said to him was not written in stone. things come up. but he wasn't able to understand this and I felt his painbody energy all evening. i let him have his space, but it hurt to see him like that. the next morning i had a presence gathering (which i had scheduled a month before) and when i told him about it, he accused me of having time for that but not cleaning the room (the thing he wanted me to do). my painbody came out and i threw some of his snacks in the trash. i spend so much time cooking foods from scratch for our son, and i cook healthy, delicious meals for the family. i don't mind if my husband gives him some snacks occasionally, but i threw them away because my painbody was saying "how can you say i don't do anything when I'm taking such good care of our son. way more than giving him these processed snacks."
so then my husband stayed angry with me rest of day. his pain body depleted the next day and so did mine.
i didn't have to throw his snacks but my painbody took over and i became loud and wanted to Prove, and provoke, etc. I try desperately to "justify" myself and reason with him. it's madness I know. and then I feel depleted later. for days I experience low energy. what can i do when i feel this energy coming on so fast and furious, so i don't say and do things to hurt my husband?
I truly don't want to hurt my husband. only my painbody does. i feel the answer for me lies in a lot of feeling feeling feeling of pain. i know presence is the answer..but i sometimes cant' be present fast enough for the painful feelings that come up.
Well Eckhart said we have an infinite number of second chances. that's wonderful. but i would love any suggestions on how to inspire myself to be present when the pain comes. thank you.