Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Tue Aug 12, 2014 8:07 pm

Since i found myself, and believe me i really got "awakened", from the very dependant person that i was, i've become extremely independent now, i left my boyfriend since i felt like he was intrusive in my life, i feel happy to do what i want and i don t want "strings attached".
My "new personality" loves enjoying life, but of course i'm still an heterosexual woman and i'm attracted by men. The problem is: when i say words like "i need my spaces- or - freedom is everything for me".....besides that, i dunno what happens to me, like 2-3 meetings i become terribly cold and i have to escape...i feel like suffocated...and when i don't escape, the men will run away from me, always.
Once it wasn't like this, i had many admirers, but the new ME seems not to be liked at all.....the magic words "i need my spaces" make men become hostile and go away from me....why??
But i' m sorry i can do no other, my heart tells me every day that freedom and independence are too precious....in other words i dont want serious relationships, i have such a bad feeling only at the idea (my last one lasted for 5 years, so i know what i'm talking about).
Cheers!
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Tue Aug 12, 2014 8:14 pm

So, what i'd like to have is a non-serious relationship, but since now it ended up into a disaster....they become hostile or something like that...what should i do?! I would like an "open relationship", or at least someone who let me do whatever i want, no controll no dominating...i can't stand at that.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby far_eastofwest » Wed Aug 13, 2014 3:32 pm

from the very dependant person that i was, i've become extremely independent now


You have see sawed
One extreme to the other.

If you find someone compatable you will be able to do 'whatever you want' as you will have similar values.

So it may be time to define 'whatever you want'. Clearly. "in a relationship I want to be able to ........". Also define what a 'serious relationship' is. And why would you not want a serious one? Perhaps a 'fun relationship' might be what you want. What would that entail?



I'd suggest you read Robert Burney's stuff.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby Enlightened2B » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:19 pm

imago dei wrote:So, what i'd like to have is a non-serious relationship, but since now it ended up into a disaster....they become hostile or something like that...what should i do?! I would like an "open relationship", or at least someone who let me do whatever i want, no controll no dominating...i can't stand at that.


What exactly is a non-serious relationship? You mean, you are looking for a relationship based on sex only? Nothing wrong with that as long as both parties are on the same page. But, understand also that everything in our lives, physically speaking is a form of relationship. You relate to another person in the same way you relate to this computer you are typing on. That's what 'separateness' is all about....the experience of 'relationships'. You should read 'Conversations with God'. They have very good explanations on relationships.

That aside, I think you have a 'perception' of relationships based on your conditioning which has manifested into your experience. In a 'healthy' relationship, there is no control, no domination (well, unless you want there to be :wink: ), basically, both parties fully unconditionally love and accept each other exactly as they are. I now see relationships as a wonderful opportunity for an expression of what we truly are....which is love. And how else to express that? By unconditional acceptance of your partner. But, I don't believe monogamy is the only way.

I think open relationships are a cool idea. Try some meet up groups to just meet people that you have things in common with and in this way, you can find more compatible relationship partners. Find out what you enjoy in this world and make an effort to partake in that as interest. You tend to meet people naturally when you are doing things you enjoy.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:36 pm

Dear friends, first thank you for your interesting answers, now i try to answer in one single post.
Well, i dunno exactly what i want, but i certainly know what i don't want at all in my life!! I feel breathless, suffocated, it's a terrible sensation when someone just do these things (even friends/acquitances):
- judgements on my private life and what i do, for exemple: "you're childish coz you don't want a family" "you spent too much money today, you shouldn't";
- simple questions sometimes like "when did you wake up? with whom do you go out this evening? what time did you go to bed?

Volks, i just hate giving explainations about my life and what i do, it has not much to do with "sexual freedom" (well, only a little bit), i can't stand at being controlled, it comes before everything for me. I'd like to find a person who doesn't try to dominate, control me and tell me what to do (i never found one in my life).
And i admit i also like flirting at times, it doesn't mean having sex with everyone but the idea of "playing" just even for joke makes me feel free. I dunno if in this moment of my life i'd be faithfull, i'm not sure, the freedom of being myself is certainly more important than mere sex.
Why is it so difficult to find someone with the same views and everyone escape from me?! I don't care much anyway, i know now i'm finally myself.
Freedom is everything for me, i think i'd rather die than lose it.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:41 pm

As i already said i dunno even what i exactly want, but i can say that just the term "open relationship" makes me feel quiet, like there's no danger to be controlled.
As i said my priority is not making sex with lots of people, but a combination of things (no questions about my life, no judgements).
Maybe different sexual adventures wouldn't be bad either, one single partner would be a bit boring i guess.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby far_eastofwest » Sun Aug 17, 2014 12:08 pm

I think that the questions are an issue due to how you interpret the reason the other person is asking.

Ie: I ask you 'what time did you get up this morning" I may be wondering whether to offer you some breakfast or just be making friendly chat (may lead up to 'did you see the sunrise, it was great" or not if you got up at 10 am).

A person who has defense systems all ago may see it as 'intrusive' in that i am asking to make a judgement and hence feel uncomfortable ........ and may guess the reason is to make a negative judgement on their character....... "you are lazy because you don't get up until 10 am".

People get to know each other by asking questions, some are to make judgements, like if I'm dating a guy, I might want to know if he is an early bird or a night owl (i'd prefer an early bird, my best friend prefers a night owl).
If some one says 'you spent too much money today" you can simply answer them with another question "why do you think that" or agree "yes, i do that sometimes" or disagree "i have a budget and live within it" or 'you are entitled to your opinion" (neutral).

If questions seem like they may be intrusive, then before answering you can say "Why do you ask?"

So, by not wanting to answer questions you may avoid the ones where people do want to make a negative judgement (to make themselves feel superior) but you are also avoiding the ones where people just want to get to know you better, have a greater understanding of you.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Sun Aug 17, 2014 6:05 pm

far_eastofwest wrote:I think that the questions are an issue due to how you interpret the reason the other person is asking.

Ie: I ask you 'what time did you get up this morning" I may be wondering whether to offer you some breakfast or just be making friendly chat (may lead up to 'did you see the sunrise, it was great" or not if you got up at 10 am).

A person who has defense systems all ago may see it as 'intrusive' in that i am asking to make a judgement and hence feel uncomfortable ........ and may guess the reason is to make a negative judgement on their character....... "you are lazy because you don't get up until 10 am".

People get to know each other by asking questions, some are to make judgements, like if I'm dating a guy, I might want to know if he is an early bird or a night owl (i'd prefer an early bird, my best friend prefers a night owl).
If some one says 'you spent too much money today" you can simply answer them with another question "why do you think that" or agree "yes, i do that sometimes" or disagree "i have a budget and live within it" or 'you are entitled to your opinion" (neutral).

If questions seem like they may be intrusive, then before answering you can say "Why do you ask?"

So, by not wanting to answer questions you may avoid the ones where people do want to make a negative judgement (to make themselves feel superior) but you are also avoiding the ones where people just want to get to know you better, have a greater understanding of you.


You're perfectly right and of course one would be totally paranoid to feel threatened by every single question or judgment. Of course i was not referring to "Normal conversations" with questions or answers, but rather to those terribly curious and intrusive people that i need to distance from myself. I can't stand at it.
I mean, of course you can distinguish a person who "normally" ask, from a person who is maybe obsessed by you and wants to know everything about you - probably with the aim of suffocating you. I just don't like people who ask too much and try to invade my life, that's all. I think it's my right to avoid and reject them.
Especially when that person would like to be "your partner" (a nightmare!). Not only, i like living the way i want, and i'm probably not really faithful, i like playing and flirting (it doesn't mean going to bed with everyone, but seducing is part of my life and my fun). So, isn't the solution having a open relationship with someone i like and who respects the way i am?? I guess so.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby Andreas » Tue Aug 19, 2014 3:07 am

So the topic of your thread is "Love for freedom - I can't have relationships with men". For me, it seems there are quite some different aspects behind your question.

imago dei wrote:Since i found myself, and believe me i really got "awakened", from the very dependant person that i was, i've become extremely independent now, i left my boyfriend since i felt like he was intrusive in my life, i feel happy to do what i want and i don t want "strings attached".
My "new personality" loves enjoying life, but of course i'm still an heterosexual woman and i'm attracted by men. The problem is: when i say words like "i need my spaces- or - freedom is everything for me".....besides that, i dunno what happens to me, like 2-3 meetings i become terribly cold and i have to escape...i feel like suffocated...and when i don't escape, the men will run away from me, always.
Once it wasn't like this, i had many admirers, but the new ME seems not to be liked at all.....the magic words "i need my spaces" make men become hostile and go away from me....why??
But i' m sorry i can do no other, my heart tells me every day that freedom and independence are too precious....in other words i dont want serious relationships, i have such a bad feeling only at the idea (my last one lasted for 5 years, so i know what i'm talking about).
Cheers!


Okay, so the "main message" here is that you currently value your freedom above everything else. So far, this seems to be in line with your topic. I will go into this later.

For the moment, there is one slightly different remark which seems interesting to me: "besides that, i dunno what happens to me, like 2-3 meetings i become terribly cold and i have to escape...i feel like suffocated...and when i don't escape, the men will run away from me, always."
I think this point deserves more attention than only mentioning it as a side note.

Do you know what is it, that makes you feel like suffocating in those situations? Is there something special that the men do that triggers your feeling? Or is it just the "fact" that you had 2-3 meetings which, according to society's standards, usually somehow implies that "things are getting a bit more serious"? Is it the same feeling you have, when somebody tries to control you or when you think about past situations when your ex-bf was too intrusive in your life?

The next thing is concerning all those "labels":
So, what i'd like to have is a non-serious relationship, but since now it ended up into a disaster....they become hostile or something like that...what should i do?! I would like an "open relationship", or at least someone who let me do whatever i want, no controll no dominating...i can't stand at that.

As i already said i dunno even what i exactly want, but i can say that just the term "open relationship" makes me feel quiet, like there's no danger to be controlled.
As i said my priority is not making sex with lots of people, but a combination of things (no questions about my life, no judgements).
Maybe different sexual adventures wouldn't be bad either, one single partner would be a bit boring i guess.

As already stated by the others. What is a "serious relationship"? How can a relationship be non-serious? From your text, it seems to me that it's the "opposite" to an "open relationship", i.e. a "non-open relationship". But there is not just black and white and even if you add more categories, like "affair", "friends with benefits", "polyamorous relationship", etc., all those categories are just labels that don't capture the essence of a relationship. You can never not-relate to other people and every relationship is different. Also, I think what you really want is not related to those labels/categories: Not being controlled. That's it. But this is possible in any "kind" of relationship. It's just that, e.g., jealous people tend to be more controlling and non-jealous people tend to be more liberal considering flirts/sex with others - so there is a correlation between both things which might mislead you (or your ego/pain body) to assume that you can only feel good/safe/quiet/out of danger in an open relationship.

Especially when that person would like to be "your partner" (a nightmare!). Not only, i like living the way i want, and i'm probably not really faithful, i like playing and flirting (it doesn't mean going to bed with everyone, but seducing is part of my life and my fun). So, isn't the solution having a open relationship with someone i like and who respects the way i am?? I guess so.

... this of course might be difficult with somebody who has different values. So yes, clearly stating that you want to flirt/have fun/have sex with others is important and obviously the solution is to be with someone you like and who respects the way you are. But this is always the case for a healthy relationship ;).

Okay, so now let me come back to the beginning. Why does it not work? Why do the men end up running away from you or even become hostile towards you? Of course I don't "know" since I don't really "know" you - but I have a small guess and maybe there is some part in it, which helps you find the truth in yourself: Alltogether, your posts don't seem to give a consitent image. On the one hand, you write that you keep distance to people that try to control/judge you - but on the other hand, you get very emotional and seem to care quite a lot about the fact that they do (i.e. don't seem to be in peace with it). On the one hand you're don't want the men to leave you, but on the other hand you often get nervous when they don't (as mentioned with the 2-3 meetings thing before). On the one hand, you write that an open relationship feels kind of right to you, but on the other hand you don't really seem convinced, still questioning yourself.

Sometimes people run away from our lives because they are not the people we need in our lives - because they cannot respect who we are. I guess you would not mind this. In the end, it will help you keep/attract the people you want. However, sometimes people run away because they sense that we are not in peace with our lives ourselves. How can they know, whether they want to be part of it if we are not convinced ourselves that this is what we want? If you find your way and you really believe in it, then you will naturally start to attract the people you want.

By the way... talking about flirting... where in Germany do you come from ;)?
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Tue Aug 19, 2014 6:17 pm

Andreas wrote:So the topic of your thread is "Love for freedom - I can't have relationships with men". For me, it seems there are quite some different aspects behind your question.

imago dei wrote:Since i found myself, and believe me i really got "awakened", from the very dependant person that i was, i've become extremely independent now, i left my boyfriend since i felt like he was intrusive in my life, i feel happy to do what i want and i don t want "strings attached".
My "new personality" loves enjoying life, but of course i'm still an heterosexual woman and i'm attracted by men. The problem is: when i say words like "i need my spaces- or - freedom is everything for me".....besides that, i dunno what happens to me, like 2-3 meetings i become terribly cold and i have to escape...i feel like suffocated...and when i don't escape, the men will run away from me, always.
Once it wasn't like this, i had many admirers, but the new ME seems not to be liked at all.....the magic words "i need my spaces" make men become hostile and go away from me....why??
But i' m sorry i can do no other, my heart tells me every day that freedom and independence are too precious....in other words i dont want serious relationships, i have such a bad feeling only at the idea (my last one lasted for 5 years, so i know what i'm talking about).
Cheers!


Okay, so the "main message" here is that you currently value your freedom above everything else. So far, this seems to be in line with your topic. I will go into this later.

For the moment, there is one slightly different remark which seems interesting to me: "besides that, i dunno what happens to me, like 2-3 meetings i become terribly cold and i have to escape...i feel like suffocated...and when i don't escape, the men will run away from me, always."
I think this point deserves more attention than only mentioning it as a side note.

Do you know what is it, that makes you feel like suffocating in those situations? Is there something special that the men do that triggers your feeling? Or is it just the "fact" that you had 2-3 meetings which, according to society's standards, usually somehow implies that "things are getting a bit more serious"? Is it the same feeling you have, when somebody tries to control you or when you think about past situations when your ex-bf was too intrusive in your life?

The next thing is concerning all those "labels":
So, what i'd like to have is a non-serious relationship, but since now it ended up into a disaster....they become hostile or something like that...what should i do?! I would like an "open relationship", or at least someone who let me do whatever i want, no controll no dominating...i can't stand at that.

As i already said i dunno even what i exactly want, but i can say that just the term "open relationship" makes me feel quiet, like there's no danger to be controlled.
As i said my priority is not making sex with lots of people, but a combination of things (no questions about my life, no judgements).
Maybe different sexual adventures wouldn't be bad either, one single partner would be a bit boring i guess.

As already stated by the others. What is a "serious relationship"? How can a relationship be non-serious? From your text, it seems to me that it's the "opposite" to an "open relationship", i.e. a "non-open relationship". But there is not just black and white and even if you add more categories, like "affair", "friends with benefits", "polyamorous relationship", etc., all those categories are just labels that don't capture the essence of a relationship. You can never not-relate to other people and every relationship is different. Also, I think what you really want is not related to those labels/categories: Not being controlled. That's it. But this is possible in any "kind" of relationship. It's just that, e.g., jealous people tend to be more controlling and non-jealous people tend to be more liberal considering flirts/sex with others - so there is a correlation between both things which might mislead you (or your ego/pain body) to assume that you can only feel good/safe/quiet/out of danger in an open relationship.

Especially when that person would like to be "your partner" (a nightmare!). Not only, i like living the way i want, and i'm probably not really faithful, i like playing and flirting (it doesn't mean going to bed with everyone, but seducing is part of my life and my fun). So, isn't the solution having a open relationship with someone i like and who respects the way i am?? I guess so.

... this of course might be difficult with somebody who has different values. So yes, clearly stating that you want to flirt/have fun/have sex with others is important and obviously the solution is to be with someone you like and who respects the way you are. But this is always the case for a healthy relationship ;).

Okay, so now let me come back to the beginning. Why does it not work? Why do the men end up running away from you or even become hostile towards you? Of course I don't "know" since I don't really "know" you - but I have a small guess and maybe there is some part in it, which helps you find the truth in yourself: Alltogether, your posts don't seem to give a consitent image. On the one hand, you write that you keep distance to people that try to control/judge you - but on the other hand, you get very emotional and seem to care quite a lot about the fact that they do (i.e. don't seem to be in peace with it). On the one hand you're don't want the men to leave you, but on the other hand you often get nervous when they don't (as mentioned with the 2-3 meetings thing before). On the one hand, you write that an open relationship feels kind of right to you, but on the other hand you don't really seem convinced, still questioning yourself.

Sometimes people run away from our lives because they are not the people we need in our lives - because they cannot respect who we are. I guess you would not mind this. In the end, it will help you keep/attract the people you want. However, sometimes people run away because they sense that we are not in peace with our lives ourselves. How can they know, whether they want to be part of it if we are not convinced ourselves that this is what we want? If you find your way and you really believe in it, then you will naturally start to attract the people you want.

By the way... talking about flirting... where in Germany do you come from ;)?

Your analysis is interesting, first of all thank you for your help.
There are many things to say:
- i don't think i'm not consistent or that i am contradictory; i try to explain better.
I feel very uncomfortable with an everyday contact with a man: for exemple, receiving too many sms annoys me. But at the same time i am a human being with feelings and of course i don't like losing "dear persons". And it's not that the men litterally run away from me, they simply become a bit hostile and colder (only a couple of times they really went away from me). I understand it might be hard to relate with me, but at the same time i think that they were not the "right person" for me. I'm very attracted by "free spirits" in general, even friends, people with no family who like traveling and like life in general, experiencing.
Well, you asked me about the "triggers". I've thought about it, well the guy i met in the last years really did nothing "wrong", i mean they didn't even try to control me, it's only a strong emotional reaction of mine: for the first 2-3-4 meeting i feel comfortable and i'm aware i 'm lovely, sweet, talkative....then every time comes a moment where i feel kinda "struggled, suffocated"...last time was with a nice guy who sent me an sms on monday: "i haven't heard of you since last saturday, is it all right"...then i felt like possessed by the devil and said "i need my spaces and i dislike being annoyed"...then i didn't write for a while, we excange a couple of sms a week but the atmosphere is so cold, when he talks i have the impulse to escape, it's like i don't care at all about him - but i care about him, only relatively. But when he doesn't write to me i kinda miss him and write a couple of sms. We didn't have "true sex" till now, as i said i'm not a sex machine obsessed by sex, i just enjoy the feeling of "freedom" in all its aspects, also flirting with words and jokes, i like receiving male attention without anything "serious".
Well, you asked me why i kinda run away after 3 meetings....I'm not really sure, i just have a strange feeling of loosing everything, my identity and my independence...it's like the person could "kill" my soul, and let me in chains.
It might be crazy, but in the first meetings (very few) i really like the person i'm meeting, i find him interesting, funny, beautiful....then in one moment i lose every feeling, and become cold as ice, i don't see any quality more in him. Only boredom and annoying. I'm aware i become cold and kinda weird. The point is that the "beautiful moments" don't come back, i lost all the interest.
Maybe being clear and saying "i want an open relationship with you" could be a solution, but i'm not sure. I just feel incredibily cold and annoyed in a second phase, with all "interesting" men i know. Anyway i also enjoy being complitely alone. But then i have to find someone to play with again, it's like a drug.
p.s. i'm living in Leipzig, liebe Grüße
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Tue Aug 19, 2014 10:40 pm

I could summarize everything with this: with a "true" relationship i feel like i'm in prison, and it's extremely unpleasant. The only idea makes me feel depressive and desperate, my mood becomes dark. And i have this feeling every time that i get to know a guy better (like 3 meetings about)...i have to escape. I am like this since ever, since my teenage.
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby Andreas » Wed Aug 20, 2014 3:54 pm

I don't think stating that you want an open relationship is the solution. Don't get me wrong - I'm not opposed to open relationships, not at all. Actually, we're currently having a discussion on the topic which you might find interesting in another thread here in the forum: http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth.info/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=12787. So yes, judging from your post, you definitely should state/mention to the men you're meeting that you want to be free to flirt (and maybe have sex with) others, because 1) this seems to be what you want and 2) it is fair for them to know and, then, they can decide by themselves if they are fine with it or not. You will then automatically end up being left with those, who are fine with it and who accept your desire to do so.

However, what I rather meant with my first sentence: I don't think it is "the solution". For me, it still sounds as if there is something else still hiding behind this whole thing. Actually, after your latest 2 posts, it feels like this even more. Even if people have an open relationship, they usually meet more often than 2-3-4 times. In common language, the expression "open relationship" usually refers to a couple being together for a potentially arbitrary long time, sharing parts of their lifes, caring about each other, etc. ... with the only difference towards "regular" relationships being the fact that the partners are allowed to have sex with others. So is this what you want? You said it's not all about sex for you - it's just one of the parts. But if it's not all about sex - then would it really change the whole picture? You'd still meet the other person more than 2-3-4 times. Your partner would probably still ask you if "everything is allright" if he hadn't heard from you for some time or just ask what your doing - because that's what people who care about you usually do. So would it really feel different for you, just knowing that you're "allowed to" have sex with others?

My guess is that going into yourself and into this weird feeling you have, would be the more helpful thing to do. Don't get me wrong - it's perfectly ok to feel the desire to be alone from time to time. Solitude is important as well and it's healthy to be able to express that feeling and act on it. What worries me, however, is the way you describe your feeling, using terms like "stuffed, suffocated", this very strong urge you seem to have, these very emotional (negative) reactions on simple gestures such as asking for your well-being, and, most importantly, the negative/desctructive effect it seems to have on yourself, since it is preventing you from having those kind of relationships you would like to have and does not let you find your peace. And yes, this IS contradictory. I didn't mean the things you wrote were... but rather the things you feel. On the one hand, you miss the guy if he doesn't write you for some time... so it seems you really want to feel loved and cared about. But on the other hand, as soon as he does write you, this feeling of yours kicks in and you just want to escape from it/him.

So let's talk about that feeling again. You write you already have this feeling since your teenage years. When did it start exactly? What about the time before? Can you remember? Or has it been there as long as you can think back? How was your relationship to your parents? Did you have friends when you were a small child? When did it change?

And now back to the present. If I got it correctly, you're still having contact with that guy? So the next time he writes... and you get this feeling... stop for a second. Stop thinking. Feel the feeling and don't be afraid of letting it be there. Look at it from a perspective of being the observer. Accept it as it is and don't try to run away from it/make it go away. Give it some minutes and observe what happens.

P.S.: Oh, Leipzig... that's awesome. Got some friends there and have just been there some weeks ago. Guess we'll have to go grab a drink the next time I'm visiting - of course we'll keep it strictly professional and no flirting allowed ;)...
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Wed Aug 20, 2014 7:48 pm

Andreas wrote:I don't think stating that you want an open relationship is the solution. Don't get me wrong - I'm not opposed to open relationships, not at all. Actually, we're currently having a discussion on the topic which you might find interesting in another thread here in the forum: http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth.info/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=12787. So yes, judging from your post, you definitely should state/mention to the men you're meeting that you want to be free to flirt (and maybe have sex with) others, because 1) this seems to be what you want and 2) it is fair for them to know and, then, they can decide by themselves if they are fine with it or not. You will then automatically end up being left with those, who are fine with it and who accept your desire to do so.

However, what I rather meant with my first sentence: I don't think it is "the solution". For me, it still sounds as if there is something else still hiding behind this whole thing. Actually, after your latest 2 posts, it feels like this even more. Even if people have an open relationship, they usually meet more often than 2-3-4 times. In common language, the expression "open relationship" usually refers to a couple being together for a potentially arbitrary long time, sharing parts of their lifes, caring about each other, etc. ... with the only difference towards "regular" relationships being the fact that the partners are allowed to have sex with others. So is this what you want? You said it's not all about sex for you - it's just one of the parts. But if it's not all about sex - then would it really change the whole picture? You'd still meet the other person more than 2-3-4 times. Your partner would probably still ask you if "everything is allright" if he hadn't heard from you for some time or just ask what your doing - because that's what people who care about you usually do. So would it really feel different for you, just knowing that you're "allowed to" have sex with others?

My guess is that going into yourself and into this weird feeling you have, would be the more helpful thing to do. Don't get me wrong - it's perfectly ok to feel the desire to be alone from time to time. Solitude is important as well and it's healthy to be able to express that feeling and act on it. What worries me, however, is the way you describe your feeling, using terms like "stuffed, suffocated", this very strong urge you seem to have, these very emotional (negative) reactions on simple gestures such as asking for your well-being, and, most importantly, the negative/desctructive effect it seems to have on yourself, since it is preventing you from having those kind of relationships you would like to have and does not let you find your peace. And yes, this IS contradictory. I didn't mean the things you wrote were... but rather the things you feel. On the one hand, you miss the guy if he doesn't write you for some time... so it seems you really want to feel loved and cared about. But on the other hand, as soon as he does write you, this feeling of yours kicks in and you just want to escape from it/him.

So let's talk about that feeling again. You write you already have this feeling since your teenage years. When did it start exactly? What about the time before? Can you remember? Or has it been there as long as you can think back? How was your relationship to your parents? Did you have friends when you were a small child? When did it change?

And now back to the present. If I got it correctly, you're still having contact with that guy? So the next time he writes... and you get this feeling... stop for a second. Stop thinking. Feel the feeling and don't be afraid of letting it be there. Look at it from a perspective of being the observer. Accept it as it is and don't try to run away from it/make it go away. Give it some minutes and observe what happens.

P.S.: Oh, Leipzig... that's awesome. Got some friends there and have just been there some weeks ago. Guess we'll have to go grab a drink the next time I'm visiting - of course we'll keep it strictly professional and no flirting allowed ;)...


Let me say, you're an extremely intelligent person and i like the way you don't judge me - when i try to talk about these topics with real life friends they start labelling me - i hate it.
You read my own thoughts. You asked me the same questions i often ask myself. I explain: i often ask myself if an "open relationship" would be a solution but i'm not really sure. Deep inside of my heart i feel the need of:
- being free to flirt and having adventures once a while;
- having someone who understands my point of view, who shares the same vision of life, who helps me and support me (and vice versa, of course);
- having separate lives and houses, i wouldn't like to share every single day and everything with him.
Ok that's all, i don't think i pretend that much.
You told me i should immediately that i want an "open relationship", but sometimes at the beginning i say "maybe he's the right person and i feel the need of having everything from him"...but unfortunately it never happens, i don't feel strong feelings, only attraction & sympathy, probably. So i get confused, and the guy too.
Yes i'm still in contact with the last guy and we didnt even have true sex, he respects me a lot and became distant, i feel much more comfortable now. Till now he had done anything wrong, and has many qualities, he's very pleasant. But still sometimes when i talks i have the feeling that "i dont care at all about him and i want to go away", i become a bit sad, maybe he perceives it...we meet 2 times a week for a couple of hours, just to talk (i dunno if i could relate myself with him for more hours). He doesn't dare to touch me nor to kiss me, and every time looks like thoughtful and upset. We're both reserved and talk very "general" about life, opinions, work...i dunno, but i feel his distress every time. But i don't want to be weird, he doesn't deserve it, he's a real gentleman (and it's long time that i don't have sexual adventures, about 1 year, i don't even look for it). The atmosphere is so cold anyway (i told him i need my spaces and i don't want a partner).
Since i was a child i had the feeling i fall in love with "unreachable" people, then when i reach them, i become bored (it always happened to me).
My mother totally abandoned me at the age of 15, and i became extremely unsecure and dependant, from 15 to 24 i should have necessarily a boyfriend and affection coz i felt too lonely in this world (i had borderline disorder). Then i woke up at 24 (my rebirth after years of spiritual research), moved to Germany alone with my daughter and here i am now at 29.
This is how i feel: from my birth till 15 i was full of life and had lot of friends and fun, from 15 to 24 death of my soul, then at 24 i turned back to be that happy and extroverted child (as i am now). As child i was always rebel, only friends and plays counted. I'm kinda the same way now, i love social life and no one has to tell me what to do ;))
Yes i'm living in Leipzig, let me know when you're going to drink a coffee with me...don't be afraid, i won't try to flirt with you, i do that only on saturday night ;D
LG
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby Enlightened2B » Wed Aug 20, 2014 7:53 pm

Wow, two people meeting on a Eckhart Tolle Internet forum. Now that's awesome!
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Re: Love for freedom - i can't have relationships with men

Postby imago dei » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:06 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:Wow, two people meeting on a Eckhart Tolle Internet forum. Now that's awesome!

It's not as you may think.
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