Let me say, you're an extremely intelligent person and i like the way you don't judge me - when i try to talk about these topics with real life friends they start labelling me - i hate it.
Thanks for your kind words
You read my own thoughts. You asked me the same questions i often ask myself. I explain: i often ask myself if an "open relationship" would be a solution but i'm not really sure. Deep inside of my heart i feel the need of:
- being free to flirt and having adventures once a while;
- having someone who understands my point of view, who shares the same vision of life, who helps me and support me (and vice versa, of course);
- having separate lives and houses, i wouldn't like to share every single day and everything with him.
I think we're getting much closer to the core now
Those three points are already much more precise than the vague term "open relationship". Still, the same thing holds: Obviously, at some point, you have to communicate this to a potential partner. But communicating it like this, knowing what exactly you want and what you don't want, will be way easier (and more helpful to the guy) than just vaguely stating "I need my feedom".
There is still one thing about the 2nd point which might be a bit problematic - but I'll come back to this later. Just keep it in mind for the moment.
You told me i should immediately that i want an "open relationship", but sometimes at the beginning i say "maybe he's the right person and i feel the need of having everything from him"...but unfortunately it never happens, i don't feel strong feelings, only attraction & sympathy, probably. So i get confused, and the guy too.
Oh, "immediately" is such a strong word here. I'd be surprised if I used it like this. Yes, being open and honest is important and fair, but of course there is no need to "rush" into things. I suppose you can imagine that it might seem a bit odd to some poeple if you kept running around starting conversations with others by telling "Hi, I'm Imago Dei. I look for someone who ... but does not ..." etc. Of course this was exaggerated, but I guess you get what I mean. There is nothing wrong with approaching a new person with the thought of "Hey, maybe it will be like this, maybe it won't - let's just see what happens.". I mean how could you even know for sure, before you get to know him better? Naturally, at some point you will start talking about each others points of view, expectations, and when this is the case, just remember to be open and honest. Still, there is no reason to push him away or to rule out one thing or the other - things always can change and assuming that at any point you know something for sure makes you probably end up being wrong by itself
. It's perfectly fine *not* to know exactly where something will lead and to state this, e.g. something in the sense of what you just said like "Actually I want ... and I don't want ... but sometimes I feel that maybe, if I meet the right person, I will want ... but usually it does not happen ... so I don't think it will, but honestly, I don't know." As long as things "feel right" at the moment and you're not "harming" him in some way and you're openly telling the truth about what you currently feel - how could the situation be "not right" as it is in that present moment?
Since i was a child i had the feeling i fall in love with "unreachable" people, then when i reach them, i become bored (it always happened to me).
My mother totally abandoned me at the age of 15, and i became extremely unsecure and dependant, from 15 to 24 i should have necessarily a boyfriend and affection coz i felt too lonely in this world (i had borderline disorder). Then i woke up at 24 (my rebirth after years of spiritual research), moved to Germany alone with my daughter and here i am now at 29.
This is how i feel: from my birth till 15 i was full of life and had lot of friends and fun, from 15 to 24 death of my soul, then at 24 i turned back to be that happy and extroverted child (as i am now). As child i was always rebel, only friends and plays counted. I'm kinda the same way now, i love social life and no one has to tell me what to do
You remember when I just wrote I will come back to the 2nd point of your list? Now I will. You said you would like someone who helps you and supports you. Usually this is not too difficult to find. That what partners who care about you naturally do. However, the "problem" with those people - the people who care about you - is that they are, well, "reachable" by definition. They guy who write you a SMS asking if everything is alright because he didn't here from you, probably wants to support you. Unfortunately, this kind of things provoke this strong reaction in you, which makes you feel "suffocated" and you might end up pushing them away. So again, I think it might be really important for you to understand and to find a better way of dealing with this feeling of yours.
Actually, I also think the story you just told about your past already gives some insights into what might be going on. I'm no psychologist, nor do I have any qualification in this field - so take everything I write with care and don't assume it to be a professional medical advice in any way. Still, I want to write some thoughts on it because maybe something will point you into some direction which can in some way be useful for you. I have a friend who suffers from Borderline and I've read quite some articles on the topic - and the behaviours and character traits I've witnessed and/or read about go into similar directions to some of the things you mention. Especially the "pushing away people who care" is a very typical thing and the reason for this is never "logic" but always a very strong emotional feeling (fitting to your description of "suffocated"). You write about your Borderline Disorder in the past tense, so if I get it correctly, you say you stopped suffering from it when you woke up spiritually with 24. I once read an interesting article by a psychotherapist named Mike Leary on Quora about Borderline (I'm sure it's easy to find it there - if not, I can dig it up for you, if you are interested and want me to). He answered a question on whether/how Borderline can be cured and started his text with the following paragraph:
"Recover Yes, Be cured, No. There is a HUGE difference and many people don't seem to know what that is. A cure is to never think about it again. It is an aspect of their life they put behind them. Gone. Recovery is about learning to manage an issue so it doesn't contaminate other parts of your life any more."
... before he then goes more into detail why he thinks this is the case and how you can recover from it.
So why do I bring this up here? Because this thing, this feeling that troubles you so much, might be due to your suffering in the past. Although you're now "well" again in the sense of "being able to live a normal life", this doesn't mean that there cannot be things that still haunt you. Eckhart Tolle maybe would formulate it by stating that the things you lived through in your years from 15-24 have become part of your pain body. For me, it seems to make perfect sense. After all, trying to see the situation from a purely emotional point of view, wouldn't it seem to be the better thing to push people who care away before those people can push you away/abandon you in the same way as your mother did?
Again, don't get me wrong please. I don't want to judge you in any way by writing something like this nor do I also want to label you in any way. And if you really did not want people caring about you in your life, then this would be also perfectly fine. I just have this feeling that actually you DO want people who care and this strong negative feeling you often get just makes you suffer yourself. So what if you end up realizing that this feeling is actually not you and also does not define you but is just a remainder of something from the past which you don't need anymore? So what if you could conciously decide on whether you want to connect on a deeper level with someone instead? Wouldn't that be cool
? I might be totally wrong, however - and I have to admit, I was hesitating a bit to write all the things I have written. But after all, it's just some thoughts... a pointer into some direction... maybe there is something in it which you use for yourself, maybe there's not... in the end, it's YOU who decides.
Yes i'm living in Leipzig, let me know when you're going to drink a coffee with me...don't be afraid, i won't try to flirt with you, i do that only on saturday night ;D
Oh, and in case you're still interested in having that coffee after all ... I have this vague feeling that I will only be free on a Saturday evening... so I guess there's no other way than accepting the fact that we will have to deal with this "unpleasant" flirting thing