A discussion community revolving around Eckhart Tolle but not limited to him
Andreas wrote:First of all, you are right in the way that you were part of a very big illusion. That is what happens quite frequently. People don't fall in love with a person, but instead fall in love with a fantasy they have in their head. The guys was just had one certain attribute (or several ones) which were part of this dream of yours and then triggered the fantasy. From that moment on, he basically could do whatever he wanted because you were already in love with your dream and therefore with him. Letting him go somehow also implied letting go of your dream and this is so much more difficult - although he actually is NOT your dream (but this nearly impossible to grasp for the ego, once it unconciously made that connection in the first place). So this was the "Why", but I think you already realized this (at least partially) and shared it in your story - what's one of the reasons why I think it is such an awesome story to share and helpful to others.
He then decided to treat you in a bad way. You then decided to suffer by allowing it. The interesting thing here is, that for an outsider, it would have probably been very easy to see what is going on quite early - as you've said it yourself. There were all those signs. He was actually never hiding it. Still, being in the situation onself, it is so hard to see it. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to "blame" you for this. And please also don't blame yourself. It happens. It's just one of those nasty tricks the ego plays on us. The only thing we can do is learning from it and it seems you did... so that's awesome !
One experience I can share with you on this, is that deeds usually matter much more than words in this respect. He can tell you that he's in love with you. That you've always been in his heart. That you're special. It is easy to tell such things. But when his deeds are "ignoring/blocking you" or even just "not finding time to meet you in 2 months", then you can be quite sure that he doesn't care. And now, one remark not directly coming from a spiritual but rather "practical" point of view: If I guy really likes you, he definitely will be able to find a way to meet you within 2 months. Every "but" is just a lame excuse. If it was honest, he would at least propose a concrete alternative option, e.g. "I'm on a business trip for the next 2 months, but I will be back on the xxth of month x, let's meet somewhen the week after".
Imagine the guy is living at the shore (Oh, his city is at the seaside indeed, what a cool coincidence for my story.) in a small cabin. One day he leaves his cabin and finds a small boat that has happened to float towards the shore right next to him. He likes how the boat looks and he thinks he always wanted a boat like this so he attaches a rope to it. The following days, since he really enjoys the thought of having that boat, he continues attaching additional ropes to it to make sure it doesn't float away in case something goes wrong. He does that for a month or two, although he never plans to actually use it (but just likes the thought of possessing it). But then, with time passing, he even starts to care less and less about the boat. He still likes the thought of possessing it somehow, but actually he doesn't like the work that comes with it, making sure all ropes are still tied correctly, etc. - so he starts not to pass by every day anymore. Because of the sun shining on the ropes all day and birds picking on the ropes, the ropes start to break and to become fewer. Ocassionally he still attaches a new one, but in general they become less and less, until one day, there is no more rope attached to the boat. Some small wind comes and the boat starts floating away again to some other place. Some time later, he sees the boat again being at some other place. He's sad and wishes to own the boat again. But there is no way he can get it from its current place back to his home. He's angry and wishes he had not given up on the possession of boat in the first place. But he cannot do anything against it. He will have to live with it and with the decision he took somewhen in the past. Is the boat angry at him? No, of course not it is not. It's just a boat. A boat cannot be angry. Still it is gone forever.
Of course, in this story, the boat had no free will and was just floating. That's surely not what I want to claim for you . But this was not the point of the story. The point was to emphasize that this guy made his decisions. And this decisions directly affected you and your "relationship". This decisions, ultimately, lead towards you reading ET and proceeding with your life without him. You don't have to be angry at him, that's right. You participated in the whole process as well by allowing him to treat you like this for such a long time because - in contrast to the boat - you could have left at any time before. So yes, no need to be angry and it's ok to "forgive". But forgiving doesn't imply you have to give him a place in your current life or in your future life. Why would you? You don't "owe" him anything. You say there is no reason not to talk to him again. But that's wrong. There IS a reason not to talk to him again. Because instead of talking to him again, instead of spending the most precious thing you have in your life, the moments your have in your life, the finite time that you are living, with a person that treats you in a bad way (and you know he will most likely do it again), you can use this time to spend it in a way that makes you happy instead - by doing nice things, having positive experiences, finding people who enrich your life and contribute to it in a positive way. There are so many awesome things in life you can do instead, so many cool people you can meet instead - kick out the bullshit (in this case: the particular guy) and go for the good things. So what do you prefer to do with your life ?
I was the only one to hurt myself by idealising him for a year, demanding from him something he couldn’t give or couldn’t be.
He not only never hid it but I got different warnings from some very close friends of mine whose advices I didn't listen to. Especially from my best friend who had in the past a very harmful relationship as well based on "control" and "possession" (she was the one controlled). I just kept justifying him, saying that I had to be understanding and kind to him because of what I felt. She just accepted that because she perfectly knew I probably wasn't ready. And that was so true.
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