I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby Clouded » Tue Dec 09, 2014 3:10 am

I don't think that there's any authentic goodness in me, I'm no angel, I don't want to be too giving to others, unless it is to benefit myself. Today at Starbucks, some random man in front of me in line (who didn't appear to be homeless at all), after being rejected by the person before him, kindly asked me if I could buy him some coffee as a Christmas present for him and I felt guilty to say no because while I was thinking of what answer I should give him, I thought about how my parents have spent thousands of dollars on myself and I didn't do anything to earn it. So I bought him $2 worth of coffee but I felt really annoyed at him, and I asked the Universe ''why did he come to me out of all people? You better give me something good in return for that.''

:?
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 490
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby randomguy » Tue Dec 09, 2014 9:15 pm

Maybe the universe did give something good, this inquiry, this observation of how a bunch of thoughts and guilt comes about. Not that it's worth much but I wouldn't consider it selfish to say no thanks buddy.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
randomguy
 
Posts: 900
Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:00 am

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby ekidhardt » Wed Jan 07, 2015 12:07 pm

"I don't think there's any authentic goodness in me"

I think there is a purpose as to why you are writing this post and in this forum. I think this way you are, which I don't doubt, is not necessarily how you want to be.

I would also venture to guess that you're not particularly satisfied with yourself, or your life.

Just your simple indignation at the notion of helping the other, is indicative of a strong sense of idealism--what should and should not be, what is right and wrong. The indignation response will indicate a low ego strength as well (low self confidence). Your description of your behavior will also have poor results in relationships--both friendships and personal ones--and that further backs up the points above.

I believe you; you probably are a person that is selfish and concerned primarily with yourself and self interests. But you've been trained that way--how else are you supposed to know how to behave if that's how you've been raised by your parents? I'd probably be that way if I were in your circumstance, and so would others.

I would guess that the inauthenticity of your interactions is isolating to you, unconsciously, and manifests as a certain persistent discontent with a lot of things in life.

You say you 'feel guilty'. I don't think that's accurate. I think you feel like something is wrong, but you can't identify what it is, and you're calling it guilt.

Change happens by action though--in my own life, I try to always be better than I have been in the past, always try to do better, be better, and improve my life.

My advice to you, would be the next time you are in starbucks, specifically go in with the plan to pay for the person in front of you. Not necessarily to become a better person--but just to see what happens to you, and how you feel afterwards. Maybe good, maybe bad, maybe nothing.

I say do that, and write here once you have. :)

-e
User avatar
ekidhardt
 
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 6:21 pm

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby Onceler » Wed Jan 07, 2015 1:26 pm

Good responses, I can only add to 'I don't think there's any authentic goodness in me', that perhaps it's there but it's covered up......or you're not looking in the right places, or, as ekidhardt said, you've been conditioned to think badly of yourself. I watched a documentary last night called 'I Am' which offered the starling idea that nature, and especially humans, are mainly cooperative, not the competitive, 'Survival of the fittest' we have been conditioned to believe. If we look thru this lens we can see the goodness and cooperation in humans as well as the badness.

Who cares that the conditioned you resisted being generous, there was another you, perhaps also conditioned, that was cooperative. I believe we resist this innate generosity out of fear.....fear for our own survival, that we will not have enough. Old, deep programming that is less useful in the modern world.

Finally, maybe this guys job in the world was to be a prankster, a holy fool that elicits a generosity response in others or teaches them about their lack of generosity. I'm sure there are many more explanations for what happened....play with them all. Why be locked into one script?
"When the fear is gone, the mind becomes much quieter, much less full of things. Thoughts become like a gentle rain rather than a thunderstorm." John Sherman
User avatar
Onceler
 
Posts: 2141
Joined: Sun Nov 11, 2007 1:35 am
Location: My house

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby tod » Wed Jan 07, 2015 9:55 pm

Clouded wrote:I don't think that there's any authentic goodness in me

Then just be authentically baaad.
tod
 
Posts: 612
Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:25 pm
Location: New Zealand

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby Clouded » Thu Jan 08, 2015 2:20 am

I honestly can't think of anything that I know I did out of the goodness of my heart. There are those who put others before themselves and then there are those like me who help but expect something good in return (and not just a happy feeling). Even when I donated most of my old toys/unwanted clothes to charity (I gave away 3 full garbage bags of items), my main incentive wasn't to help those who were less fortunate than me, it was to clear up storage space so positive chi energy can flow more easily so it could bring me good fortune. I even contemplated selling those items on ebay at first (so I could make a profit so I could buy myself more unnecessary stuff) but decided that I was too lazy to upload every single item there (a lot of time and work would be involved in advertising) and was in a hurry to get rid of old, weak energy. Even when I was overly generous to my classmates and willing to get myself into trouble to help them (like allowing them to copy off my answers during an exam), I didn't do it because I truly wanted to get out of my way to help them out, I did it because I wanted them to like me and appreciate me and be accepted into their friendship circles. I can think of numerous other examples like that, but I have trouble thinking of a time when I did something kind and wanted nothing in return and that worries me. Maybe the most selfless thing I've ever done was putting my safety into danger to save a kitten. I think I was in 5th grade and was out in the country, playing with kittens in the middle of a road and then a horse buggy filled with hay came along and the man driving it was in a hurry and was impatient to wait for me to get a kitten out of his way because it was about to run over it. I saved it just in time but one wheel crushed my foot and it surprisingly didn't hurt at all, even when I was wearing sandals. Yet again, I don't know if I saved the kitten because I didn't want it to suffer in pain or because I didn't want to see it get hurt so I would suffer in sadness.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 490
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby ekidhardt » Thu Jan 08, 2015 2:23 am

Clouded,

okay, so you recognize that you're really selfish. Great--what is it that you want? What is it you're looking for?
User avatar
ekidhardt
 
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 6:21 pm

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby Clouded » Thu Jan 08, 2015 2:34 am

ekidhardt wrote:Clouded,

okay, so you recognize that you're really selfish. Great--what is it that you want? What is it you're looking for?


Idk, the previous post was a self-assessment that confirms what my parents have told me; I don't even like to share treats with my own parents! I want to change and become a more giving and selfless person (probably because I believe that it is one of the most spiritual/enlightened things to do) but at the same time I want to stay the same because I like pampering myself, and myself only, but at the same time, I feel bad about it.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak
User avatar
Clouded
 
Posts: 490
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:06 am
Location: Inside Clouded's body

Re: I'm very selfish and I feel guilty

Postby Baba Bozo » Thu Jun 04, 2015 2:31 am

Clouded wrote:....I want to stay the same because I like pampering myself, and myself only, but at the same time, I feel bad about it.


From one selfish person to another...

Don't feel bad.

Feel dumb.

See the difference?
User avatar
Baba Bozo
 
Posts: 66
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:57 am


Return to Relationships

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest