A discussion community revolving around Eckhart Tolle but not limited to him
meetjoeblack wrote: I do not want to screw this up.
Enlightened2B wrote:meetjoeblack wrote: I do not want to screw this up.
I'm sure there are plenty with a whole lot more relationship experience than me. Actually, I'm not sure. I know there are.
However, this mentality is built around fear. I can identify that immediately and here is why. Number one, I've been there myself, even recently.
Enlightened2B wrote:One of my best friends is currently in a relationship with a girl and we were talking at dinner last night about how he is very scared to 'lose her'. Everything is going smoothly for him and he is deathly afraid of something going wrong. He basically says that it 'seems too good' right now. He's incredibly nervous about this. So, he told me that he's trying to focus on his work and other things in life which are important to him. I say this is not exactly the right approach. Because basically, he's just avoiding his feelings and suppressing them.
These feelings that you have are an INCREDIBLE opportunity for you to look into yourself. This is why relationships are such an important tool for growth. See how this thought of 'not wanting to screw it up' makes you feel. If it makes you feel nervous and uneasy, that's great. But, try to inquire into why that is. Likely, it stems from deeper rooted conditioning in your life. Trust me, I've been through it too with my current relationship of 'being afraid to screw up'. It's insecurity and also stems from the ego perspective of wanting to attain something from someone else.
Enlightened2B wrote:Here's my only advice to you. Be You. Be yourself. Most of all......honesty, honesty, honesty. Just be honest with your feelings and with her. But, you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with her. Honesty is the highest form of love. Don't try to be something you are not. Don't put on a mask to impress her. Be who you truly are. Not who you think you are. Even if it hurts to see this honesty/truth, that's good. It's easy to avoid the truth of who you are in place of the comforting mask we like to wear which is essentially a guard for us so that we don't get hurt. If she doesn't accept you when show her your true self, then that means, she's not the right match for you, or perhaps she's not ready herself to be in a relationship, or perhaps another reason. But, you can do no wrong when you are being honest to your own experience and in turn being honest and Love for someone else.
Enlightened2B wrote:[If I were you, I would question to myself, what is it about this girl that makes me want to be with her? Is is satisfying a particular need for yourself? Or do you merely want to show up and Be Love for someone else. Being Love means showing her your real side, who you truly are. This is an important distinction to make at this juncture. It's good that you've noticed this within yourself and you're willing to ask these questions here on this forum.
Enlightened2B wrote:[We fear the unknown and the unknown here for you, is not knowing how this situation will manifest. There is no screw up MJB. All is experience and experience itself is growth and evolution for you, as the Soul Perspective that you are.
Thanks man. I am pretty shy or really reserve so, this forwardness was very unlike me. It was real and genuine so, I am glad I did not miss the opportunity. I was told by a friend that its like extending an olive branch. Someone accepts or doesn't. I am doing that. Maybe it happens or it doesn't but, its nice to feel something for a change. I rarely get to this point.
Thanks. I feel like I am on a unique journey. Its nice to intersect with different people. Its mind blowing to know that something insignificant like a little chat in a coffee shop could echo into something spectacular (or not).
I'm shy too. It's something I've been gradually breaking out of for over 30 years
Enlightened2B wrote:Ultimately, it doesn't matter what the other person thinks of you or whether they accept you or not. What's more important for your growth and evolution is how you are in relation to that person. When you are honest, you are not attempting to manipulate another into loving you, by putting on a false persona. Can I tell you how many times in the past I've attempted to manipulate women into loving me because I was too afraid of merely Being Love itself for them? Neediness stems from fear. Fear is when we want to gain something from another whether it's perceived love or approval. Honesty on the other hand, is Being itself as Love. Two expressions of the same One Being/Love interacting.
Enlightened2B wrote:So, with that said, just keep at it and see where it goes. But, it's easy to get caught up conceptually in whether something appears 'real' or not. Whether it leads to anything down the road or not, is irrelevant. It is very real right now for you, because it is happening. Even if she turns out to be someone you decide you wouldn't want to be with, the fact that you are interacting with her means that is real.
Cause and effect. It's a beautiful thing, regardless of the outcome. Enjoy it.
How did it come about with you and your gf? You mentioned the site but, you did not say much about the actual chemistry and how it came about?
By not ruining "this," I mean, not texting her too much or not enough. I have did stuff like this before. text too much. They become disinterested. text not much at all, they assume disinterest. The holidays are coming up. What I do notice is that, the ego and painbody seem to get the best of me here. Likely cause relationships, love, and matters of the heart are a vulnerable experience. No matter what, I choose to embrace the experience in love of life, of courage for going for what I want, and acceptance to what is.
meetjoeblack wrote: do you meditate? I am also loving yoga preferably moon salutations for its relaxing properties. it seems like active meditation to me.
Enlightened2B wrote:meetjoeblack wrote: do you meditate? I am also loving yoga preferably moon salutations for its relaxing properties. it seems like active meditation to me.
I do meditate, although not so much recently. I practice yoga too.
Whatever works for you is all good.
If you get anxiety when calling a girl, just feel the anxiety and stay with it. Don't resist it. Just make it ok that it's there.
Mental suffering often comes from resisting. Anxiety is a form of mental suffering that stems from a fear of a particular situation. In this case, anxiety stems from the fear of 'what will happen' if I call her on the phone. You're projecting a potential 'what is' upon the very 'what is' that IS, if that makes any sense.
Yoga is really good. I like it a lot. You don't have to do formal meditation. Just take notice of your feelings and thoughts throughout the day periodically, which is really the basis of mindfulness.
meetjoeblack wrote:Thanks. I am practicing mindfulness and being present. I was noticing myself getting overly attached and I know it is not healthy. Instead, I am spacing myself away a bit, I will do more meditation and yoga moon salutations, I will text her over the holidays, and call her to make plans. I feel something resonate so, I am compelled to take action. I am just okay with the experience no matter what comes of it.
Its funny that, people can come on too strong, and smother the fire that could be.
How is the holiday season treating you guys?
If you're coming from a place of neediness, then yes. But, if you truly feel love, then I wouldn't be afraid to express that.
It's ok I guess. It's a festive time of year. I like the Christmas lights and how everything is lit up and jolly. So, it's going really, really, really quickly. I'll tell you that. Before you blink, it'll be January.
meetjoeblack wrote: I find her beautiful but, more importantly, she is nurturing, very ambitious, has a great personality, is genuine, and independent. I hear many women talk about being a independent woman and that feminist narrative about not needing a man. This woman is all that but, she does not carry that attitude.
ekidhardt wrote: there is a certain amount of irony that your name is 'Enlightened' yet you give a mountain of advice in which you are completely unaware of the function, or, highly unconscious.
"Just be honest with your feelings and with her. But, you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with her. Honesty is the highest form of love. Don't try to be something you are not. Don't put on a mask to impress her. Be who you truly are. Not who you think you are. "
I disagree. It's some strange notion that honesty is going to work in your favor when you're dating. It won't. I'm not saying to lie or deceive, but professing your emotions will be a trainwreck for you.
If someone disagrees with that, it's pretty clear they don't know a whole lot about dating
I don't mean to diminish your advice Enlightened I realize you mean well, but there is a certain amount of irony that your name is 'Enlightened' yet you give a mountain of advice in which you are completely unaware of the function, or, highly unconscious.
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