he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Thu Sep 10, 2015 5:47 pm

I have a bf since 3 months ago, he's a dream man, lovely, rich, generous, reliable....wants a family with me, absolutely.
We love each other but we're kinda 2 friends, not such a "conventional" relationship. But he wants to live with me, while i need more space, possibly live alone.
I have to say i have a daughter and she loves him ,we would be a lovely family. I totally love him, but as i said i'd prefer to live separated. I also dont want to lose him.
Can i change myself, do you think?? I want a more traditional relationship than the one we have, we meet 2-3-4 times a week and dont plan the future much. Im not that satisfied, i want to change, be more traditional but always being myself.
Plz help me.
ps Im a very independent woman while he's pretty "needy" of love and attention.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Sep 10, 2015 9:39 pm

Everything has value. I suggest you look for the many values of a closer relationship. Over time you will come to realize that a closer partnership with the right person is worth a lot. Are there trade offs? Sure, but on balance you get more than you give up. And I would suggest that the older you get the more you will recognize the importance of a trusted relationship and helpmate. Those relationships are built over time. Wait too long and they can be too shallow to endure the tough times.

WW
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby DavidB » Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:04 am

imago dei wrote:Can i change myself, do you think?? I want a more traditional relationship than the one we have, we meet 2-3-4 times a week and dont plan the future much. Im not that satisfied, i want to change, be more traditional but always being myself.


Of course you can change yourself. If you want a more traditional relationship, then do that. You've only been together for 3 months, a few more weeks or months to come to greater clarity in this situation isn't unreasonable.

Being who you truly are isn't dependent upon circumstances, though there certainly are some circumstances that are more beneficial than others. So be logical and rational, but also be willing to accept life's situations with grace.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby dijmart » Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:13 am

At 18 yo I was with my current husband for 3 months when we moved in together do to my parents moving out of state...that was 27 years ago.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:03 pm

Thanks for the suggestions, friends.
In the last 2 years i became a totally -almost- independent woman, achieved all i wanted, moved to a better city and met new friends....but now i feel the need of having a closer relationship. I used to feel trapped in it but now i want to change.
Tomorrow i'll be 30, i have a daughter and i think there are no reasons to reject this man....why should i?! But still there is some inner resistence....he's very rich and im afraid that he could "dominate" me, i mean giving me money and house, i could totally be in his hands....
But i dont want to feel these thoughts. Yes, i want to try a closer relationship.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Fri Sep 11, 2015 7:55 pm

This is what I've noticed from you. And it's only my own observations and interactions with you in the past.

You've come on this board and posted the same things over and over again I've noticed over the last couple of years, asking for the same type of advice, but not seemingly taken people's advice. I'm not really sure why you are posting here or what you are expecting to find from people in this particular community. What is it about this particular community that draws you to posting here? What answers are you looking to find?

I find a lot of narcissism in your posts, which is not meant as a bad thing....we all have it to some degree, but perhaps, it's time that you look at yourself and if it's too hard for you to do that, then perhaps some sort of counselor or therapist is always a welcomed approach.

You note the words.....'dream man'. What is a dream man, but an image you've created in your mind? You've CONSISTENTLY complained about men being too needy in your posts on this board, and then at the same time, literally claim that you're not satisfied in your relationships. It almost sounds like you want what you want and you expect everyone else to adhere to what you want and then complain once you have it and when those people don't adhere to your unrealistic expectations. YOU are creating your own realities by your own perceptions that you are projecting outward.

It's not your partner or any other men that you've come across. It's YOU who needs to really look within yourself and find out why relationships seem to be such a difficult area for you.

Asking for advice on this board is completely meaningless if you're not willing to do the work.

My post is not meant to be offensive, but merely an honest outsider's interpretation of your presence on this board and I only wish to help.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby dijmart » Fri Sep 11, 2015 8:09 pm

I agree with EN2B, I know I've personally tried to talk to you before about your relationship issues and it went no where, but around in circles.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Fri Sep 11, 2015 8:18 pm

What's the problem now??
In the past i didnt feel the need to have a closer relationship, for many reasons. Now i've found a special person that i love and i want to try it. What's wrong with it?? I also asked for help and my therapist said im totally healthy, maybe i need more space than others but there's nothing wrong with me.
Anyway im sure i can achive my goal if i really want it. Till now i wanted to find my own identity, and now i want to share some more with a partner.
Im not narcisistic and my therapist said im very healthy. I just need more distance than others, time for myself, to read, breath and so on. My happiness dont depend on others.
Btw who cares about the past, now im here and i want to get closer to my partner, even if im not used to it. And im sure i can get it if i really want.
Lets talk about the present if you want, give me suggestions about how to get it.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Fri Sep 11, 2015 8:27 pm

And at the moment my only "difficulty" is sharing the same house, thats what is blocking me, but im sure i can get it if i really want. I love having time for myself, sport, reading and so on...im a bit afraid of losing this all, especially because i should move to his house and be complitely in "his hands". Im a bit afraid, but there's no reason i guess. Till now he was almost "perfect", i mean never lacked respect. I also had bad experiences in the past. But all i want to say is: yes, i want to try to live with him. He's absolutely lovely and i see no reasons why should i avoid this experience. Im afraid to be dominated, this is mostly.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Fri Sep 11, 2015 8:51 pm

Take a look at this link for this article and you can see if you can relate to any of these. Not saying this article is necessarily the 'be all/end all' to romantic relationships, but I find it to be a very good resource on true 'conscious/authentic relating'. I think you need to consider what your purpose is in entering one in the first place.

It just sounds like there is a lot of confusion and contradiction in your posts about what you want in your relationships versus what you already have.

Byron Katie has some good stuff on relationships as well.

Here's the link. Check it out.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21277/the-4-qualities-of-a-conscious-relationship.html
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:41 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:Take a look at this link for this article and you can see if you can relate to any of these. Not saying this article is necessarily the 'be all/end all' to romantic relationships, but I find it to be a very good resource on true 'conscious/authentic relating'. I think you need to consider what your purpose is in entering one in the first place.

It just sounds like there is a lot of confusion and contradiction in your posts about what you want in your relationships versus what you already have.

Byron Katie has some good stuff on relationships as well.

Here's the link. Check it out.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21277/the-4-qualities-of-a-conscious-relationship.html

Thank you for the suggestion, gonna read it now. Btw some "friendly" suggestions would be even better i guess. For exemple what you experienced in your own skin ecc...
The point is: i love closeness but i need distance too, maybe more than others. Im really lovely -all my friends say- but im a person who usually prefers living alone.
But now i want to change and make this experience, maybe i'll totally change my idea.
The truth is: meeting a partner 3-4 times a week is more than enough for me, but for my bf it seems to be vital to live together, it's the priority in his life, it seems. So, i want to make this compromise, im sure im able to do this. In 2 hours i'll be 30 and i dont think its a bad idea to try to get a family with a lovely man.
Dunno if its pathological (maybe a little bit), but i dont like staying 24h a day with someone....lets try this experience.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby dijmart » Fri Sep 11, 2015 10:14 pm

Here are my thoughts, if deep down you do not want this, then eventually you will resent him for pushing you into it. Unless, of course, you decide it really is something you actually want, whether that's prior to moving in together or after the fact.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:01 pm

dijmart wrote:Here are my thoughts, if deep down you do not want this, then eventually you will resent him for pushing you into it. Unless, of course, you decide it really is something you actually want, whether that's prior to moving in together or after the fact.

I would say i would prefer living alone, but maybe its just a prejudice of my mind. He said he's unhappy coz i havent moved there yet. I promised it to him.
But i want to get it, for many reasons.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:14 pm

imago dei wrote: Btw some "friendly" suggestions would be even better i guess. For exemple what you experienced in your own skin ecc...


You've already received that numerous times in the past from myself and others. Yet, you continue to ask the same questions.

The truth is: meeting a partner 3-4 times a week is more than enough for me, but for my bf it seems to be vital to live together, it's the priority in his life, it seems. So, i want to make this compromise, im sure im able to do this. In 2 hours i'll be 30 and i dont think its a bad idea to try to get a family with a lovely man.


No, it's not a bad idea to have a family, depending on how you're approaching it and if you're willing to actually live with a person. How can you have a family, if you're telling someone that you only want to see them three times a week? Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?

If you're not willing to compromise, meaning you don't want to live a life with another person and only want to live on your own schedule, then you can't have a family. Granted every family is different. Perhaps (as I've said to you in the past) why not look for an open relationship?

You can't say that you like being alone, but at the same time say that you want a family and then when a man wants to live with you, you complain that a guy is too needy. That's absurd and narcissistic.

I don't think you should be with any partner personally until you can understand why on earth you WANT a partner in the first place. It sounds like you just 'want a family', but you don't want to consciously, experientially embrace what a relationship actually is. You want something on YOUR terms and when it's not on YOUR terms, there's a rift between what you WANT and what IS. It doesn't work that way.

Either you stay single, or find a partner who also wants what YOU want. Most men who are looking to start families want to actually LIVE with their partner. That's how families work. That doesn't make someone needy.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:25 pm

Youŕe doing a total mess without even knowing the situation. Your mind seems to be full of prejudices, this is what express your posts.
Well, he's "needy" in the sense that he needs lot of affection, more than others i know. He need much closeness while i often like loneliness.
- For me "family" is a feeling, no matter if 3 or 7 times a week, the most important thing is the feeling, love, respect, comunication and all the rest which makes a family. There are lot of married persons who live in different houses....have you heard of it or do you live on another planet?? Its the quality which counts imo, not the quantity- being together all the time.
I dont want an open relationship coz i dont need sex with others.
So, why so much aggressivity now?? You write all the time about my posts of years ago, people change, can you get it?? at that time i had different needs than now.
And yes, i could live separated from my partner and still love him, with no need to stay with him 24h a day. Is it so difficult to understand??
But i'll try the living together, lets see.
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