he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:48 pm

imago dei wrote:Youŕe doing a total mess without even knowing the situation. Your mind seems to be full of prejudices, this is what express your posts.


Can you give me an example of my prejudice?

Well, he's "needy" in the sense that he needs lot of affection, more than others i know.He need much closeness while i often like loneliness.


Again, then why are you with hinm? Move on and find someone that suits you better or love him as he is. Simple.

There are lot of married persons who live in different houses....have you heard of it or do you live on another planet??


Well, I guess I live on another planet, because I've never heard of that before. That's irrelevant though. Because, I'm not saying it's a bad idea, but wouldn't it make more sense then, to find a man who ALSO wants this kind of lifestyle, instead of getting upset when the man you're with DOESN'T want this. Either Love the one you're with or move on.....

Again....the answers are simple, but you don't like the answers. You want to hear what you want to hear.

So, why so much aggressivity now?? You write all the time about my posts of years ago, people change, can you get it?? at that time i had different needs than now.


My posts might seem aggressive to you because I'm telling you what you don't want to hear, but I'm only trying to help you believe it or not.

And yes, i could live separated from my partner and still love him, with no need to stay with him 24h a day. Is it so difficult to understand??
But i'll try the living together, lets see.


Yes, it is difficult to understand because he obviously does not want that! So, are you going to try to change him to MAKE him want that or simply move on? Do you understand that you're posting your situation here and the answer is simple......move on. He's clearly not right for you. You can't change someone to make them want what you want.

You don't seem to understand that you're asking the same questions you've asked here in the past. Nothing has changed. Just go back and re-read your older posts. You've explained many times that you are an independent person who doesn't want to be smothered in a relationship by 'needy men' in the past as well. Then, in the past you told us that you couldn't find the type of man you were looking for and complained that you only met 'needy men'.

And guess what? Now once again, you're apparently going out with what you call another 'needy man'....basically, exactly the kind of men you've been complaining about since you starting posting here. And my question to you is.....why are you with him then? You've already seemingly established that you don't want men like this, so what are you asking us here for then? What advice can we possibly help you with?
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Sep 12, 2015 12:13 am

Something to consider.....there is nothing wrong with being independent and not wanting a traditional relationship, but I think most of all, you need to figure out in your heart what you want. And you can't over think something like that. I find your posts to be all over the place. Earlier in the thread, you're saying you want something traditional and later you're saying you would want to potentially live in separate houses. I think it's you who is confused.

Again, not a bad thing, but I think in your heart, you prefer a more non-traditional relationship (from talking to you in the past) and this thread alone, and that's why I don't understand why you don't just go out and seek the type of relationship you are looking for rather than forcing yourself down a path where it might not be right for you. Of course, an exploration of any type of relationship is an always an opportunity to grow in the sense that you can see yourself in how much you are trying to control your partner and make him into something else or you can see how much space and love you are being for him, even if he differs from you.

Ultimately though, I think you should consider the type of men you are attracting. Because it seems to be a common theme that perhaps, you are not seeing, but I am from your posts.

You mentioned qualities of a 'dream man' and I think more than anything, that's what you really need to inquire into. What is a 'dream man' to you? Is it real? Why do you want to be with this man? Do you truly want the opportunity to love and hold space for another being exactly as they are? Or perhaps you are trying to be in a relationship and force it because of societal expectations to be in a traditional relationship.

Understand, I'm not criticizing your need for a non-conventional relationship. I'm simply pointing you to the direction that you should be trying to meet men who also align with this view rather than continually getting involved with men that you perceive as 'needy'.

I feel there is confusion for you because in your heart, you know perhaps that this relationship is not aligned with your heart, but has perhaps more superficial qualities. I could be wrong too of course. Just a guess.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Sat Sep 12, 2015 12:55 pm

I absolutely love him the way he is, with his good and bad sides, as everyone. I love him so much, even if we're a bit different in our needs....he would like to have a woman (me) all the time by his side, while im a bit different. But im sure if 2 persons love each other we can get a compromise.
Yes, my dream would be to live separated so i can have enough space for myself, but i want to try this experience of living together, maybe i'll realize we can be happy all the ways. I feel very connected to him and we're already a family imo.
And i dont think at all someone is crazy or narcisisstic if he/she appreciated loneliness.
At the moment we have an "interdipendent" relationship but i know he wants much more. At the beginning i felt threatened but now i want this.
He's not happy to see me only 3 times a week, we also have children so i guess this formula" of the living together could be nice. Lets see.
I just wanted to know personal experiences possibly, of people like "me" who changed, maybe.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Sat Sep 12, 2015 1:16 pm

The real problem is: i love the relationship as it is now, i find it perfect, we're close but not too much. But he wants much more and i dont want to lose him, i love him so much, i want only him the way he is.
Also for my daughter and all the rest, i want to change my vision, but it's not that easy maybe.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Sat Sep 12, 2015 2:54 pm

I would like to add something.....i feel the need to love, care and be close to someone (my bf)...i want a close, romantic relationship (that i have since almost 4 months ago), that i'm feeding every day....he says he feels loved, but actually what "blocks" me is thinking out: control, possession, domination, violence (in relationships)...it just turns me complitely off, thats why maybe i keep distance....i want a family btw, always remaining an independent person btw. I enjoy other people but basically i dont need anyone to be happy, i mean iḿ serene also totally alone (not always of course). I want to reach a balance.
Btw i would define my relationship as: interdependent. Everyone has his own life and we often meet greatfully and happy (at least me).
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby dijmart » Sat Sep 12, 2015 5:16 pm

Ok, so here's another thought...why rush into this? I HAD to move in with my bf at the time back when I was 18 if we were going to be together or move with my parents. I didn't have the choices that you do. It worked out for me, but in your case, why rush it, before you're 100% sure it's what you really want? You're both still in the honey moon phase with only being together 3 or 4 months.

Since you seem like you're trying to talk yourself into this, why not just wait another few months or a year, then if you feel like you want this live in situation do it. If he can't wait for you to be 100% ready, then he doesn't love you as much as you think he does.

Here's my example, although I lived with my husband (bf at the time) I wasn't ready for marriage. After a year he wanted to get married. I agreed to get engaged, but I wasn't ready for marriage. We didn't get married for 3 1/2 years. I wasn't going to let him push me into something I wasn't ready for and guess what...he waited, because he loved me.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Sep 12, 2015 6:04 pm

imago dei wrote:he says he feels loved, but actually what "blocks" me is thinking out: control, possession, domination, violence (in relationships)...it just turns me complitely off,


who wouldn't be turned off by that? But, if that's not the current situation, then you have nothing to worry about it and it's just your thoughts keeping you scared.

I just don't understand what your actual question is and maybe I'm just confused. To me it sounds like now from your last few posts, you want to try to make it work by living with him, but yet, you're afraid to because you want something interdependent? Is that what you're saying?

I stick by my last assessment that you're trying to force yourself into something that's not right for you. It sounds really simple to me. Either accept him for the way he is, needy and all or simply move on. I don't know what more we can possibly tell you.

He wants something more conventional, more involving of the two of you and perhaps a bit more time together and you don't and that's perfectly fine that you don't. And no, being in an interdependent relationship does not in ANY way make you narcissistic. I view relationships the same way that you do and you and I have discussed this previously. Where narcissism comes in, is when you continually get involved in the types of relationships that you don't want and then continually blame your partner which I thought you were doing initially and maybe I misinterpreted that. Regardless.....

This is why I've brought up the point to you, that you've known for quite some time, what type of relationship you feel is right for you and in your heart, you've spoken about that many times on this board.

So, why do you seemingly go after the same type of men who are only looking for mainstream, conventional relationships if you know that's not what you want?

Your confusion is simple to me as I see it. Your heart is saying one thing, but your mind (ego) is saying something else. You have to feel what's right in your heart, your intuition and your gut. And I think your gut is leaning away from a more conventional relationship.

If you really want to make this work with this man, then the only option is that you ABSOLUTELY need to communicate your feelings to him. Every detail of how you feel, you need to tell him and if you both simply can't reach an agreement, then you'll know it's not right for you. Honesty and authenticity are the only ways in a true relationship.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Sat Sep 12, 2015 6:07 pm

By the way.....happy birthday :)
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Sat Sep 12, 2015 6:37 pm

You're totally right, im so restless that my arms tremble. He's my "dream" man in the sense that i love him more than myself almost, but no i dont want to live together, i feel depressed and anxious if i think about it. I need a little space for me. Maybe next to him, upstairs, i dont know. I can't share everything, this is what my heart say.
Ideal would be meeting often, even every day but i can't depend on him. I feel sick and dead if i think that i should stay in his home and share every single thing.
Regardless, i absolutely adore him, now and forever.
Gonna disappoint him maybe today at my birthday party, but i'll tell it to him: i need a little space for me. I don't think he's gonna kill or leave me for this reason.
Thank you for your suggestions really, i can't force myself even if 99% people are like that....maybe in one year is possible, but not now....he's also rich and "powerful", i would be complitely in his hands. It's not for me, simply.
It's the hardest time of my life, for the first time i want to have a relationship which really makes me happy.
Thank you for the support, im suffering very much.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:46 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:
imago dei wrote:he says he feels loved, but actually what "blocks" me is thinking out: control, possession, domination, violence (in relationships)...it just turns me complitely off,


who wouldn't be turned off by that? But, if that's not the current situation, then you have nothing to worry about it and it's just your thoughts keeping you scared.

I just don't understand what your actual question is and maybe I'm just confused. To me it sounds like now from your last few posts, you want to try to make it work by living with him, but yet, you're afraid to because you want something interdependent? Is that what you're saying?

I stick by my last assessment that you're trying to force yourself into something that's not right for you. It sounds really simple to me. Either accept him for the way he is, needy and all or simply move on. I don't know what more we can possibly tell you.

He wants something more conventional, more involving of the two of you and perhaps a bit more time together and you don't and that's perfectly fine that you don't. And no, being in an interdependent relationship does not in ANY way make you narcissistic. I view relationships the same way that you do and you and I have discussed this previously. Where narcissism comes in, is when you continually get involved in the types of relationships that you don't want and then continually blame your partner which I thought you were doing initially and maybe I misinterpreted that. Regardless.....

This is why I've brought up the point to you, that you've known for quite some time, what type of relationship you feel is right for you and in your heart, you've spoken about that many times on this board.

So, why do you seemingly go after the same type of men who are only looking for mainstream, conventional relationships if you know that's not what you want?

Your confusion is simple to me as I see it. Your heart is saying one thing, but your mind (ego) is saying something else. You have to feel what's right in your heart, your intuition and your gut. And I think your gut is leaning away from a more conventional relationship.

If you really want to make this work with this man, then the only option is that you ABSOLUTELY need to communicate your feelings to him. Every detail of how you feel, you need to tell him and if you both simply can't reach an agreement, then you'll know it's not right for you. Honesty and authenticity are the only ways in a true relationship.

I read it all over again and you're so right, but i have to add something. Plz give me your opinion, i know you're smart.
I like the idea of a family and communion, he has lots of qualities and i absolutely adore him. He would be the dream of many women, romantic, responsible, serious, funny, hard worker and also rich. He wants nothing else than a family to love, and it's such a beautiful feeling for me. He accepts me and supports me.
What is blocking me is: i have the feeling his happiness and life depends on me, he's full of expectation and soon sad or angry (takes revenge) when he doesnt get what he receives. He wants nothing else than love and attention, but he "pretends" to be the priority on everything. He gets angry when i do my best at work (it's probably my priority now). He is one of my priorities, but not nr 1. I sense lot of ego that's all. This is what makes me feel trapped.
Am i being excessive?? I dunno, i dunno how other men are, my ex were like that. Getting furious when i went out with friends or "neglected" them.
Is it normal to have a partner whose happiness is depending on you? How do you feel with it?? I feel trapped, but maybe i can modify it.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:48 pm

ps My friends say he just loves me and wants me as much as possible. I can't get any better, he's a lovely man. I know. Im feeling so confused and guilty...i have to take decisions if i dont want to lose him. But he's soooo unsecure....once i said i love my dauther above everything and he became angry and offended. Also when i do my best at work.
Is it "normality"???
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Wed Sep 23, 2015 3:45 pm

dijmart wrote:Ok, so here's another thought...why rush into this? I HAD to move in with my bf at the time back when I was 18 if we were going to be together or move with my parents. I didn't have the choices that you do. It worked out for me, but in your case, why rush it, before you're 100% sure it's what you really want? You're both still in the honey moon phase with only being together 3 or 4 months.

Since you seem like you're trying to talk yourself into this, why not just wait another few months or a year, then if you feel like you want this live in situation do it. If he can't wait for you to be 100% ready, then he doesn't love you as much as you think he does.

Here's my example, although I lived with my husband (bf at the time) I wasn't ready for marriage. After a year he wanted to get married. I agreed to get engaged, but I wasn't ready for marriage. We didn't get married for 3 1/2 years. I wasn't going to let him push me into something I wasn't ready for and guess what...he waited, because he loved me.

Im waiting to take the decision and he's respecting me.
But im sure one day he will say: everything or nothing, he is that kind of person. Im so torn every day: i love the feeling of a family (had one), but need much space.
Also, i have the feeling is emotionally depending on me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. This is what is blocking me.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby Enlightened2B » Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:34 pm

imago dei wrote:What is blocking me is: i have the feeling his happiness and life depends on me, he's full of expectation and soon sad or angry (takes revenge) when he doesnt get what he receives. He wants nothing else than love and attention, but he "pretends" to be the priority on everything. He gets angry when i do my best at work (it's probably my priority now). He is one of my priorities, but not nr 1. I sense lot of ego that's all. This is what makes me feel trapped.
Am i being excessive?? I dunno, i dunno how other men are, my ex were like that. Getting furious when i went out with friends or "neglected" them.
Is it normal to have a partner whose happiness is depending on you? How do you feel with it?? I feel trapped, but maybe i can modify it.


Well, from what you describe, he sounds incredibly controlling and possessive. Is this the kind of relationship you want to form for yourself and your child? You should ask yourself that question. Ask yourself....what kind of relationship with myself am I looking to have first and foremost and just wait and see what comes up. Don't force anything. Second, once you get an answer to that, you can start to see what kind of relationship you are looking for in a potential partner. Sometimes, the easy thing to do is to stay with someone because it's easy. But, your heart knows better.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby imago dei » Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:58 pm

Enlightened2B wrote:
imago dei wrote:What is blocking me is: i have the feeling his happiness and life depends on me, he's full of expectation and soon sad or angry (takes revenge) when he doesnt get what he receives. He wants nothing else than love and attention, but he "pretends" to be the priority on everything. He gets angry when i do my best at work (it's probably my priority now). He is one of my priorities, but not nr 1. I sense lot of ego that's all. This is what makes me feel trapped.
Am i being excessive?? I dunno, i dunno how other men are, my ex were like that. Getting furious when i went out with friends or "neglected" them.
Is it normal to have a partner whose happiness is depending on you? How do you feel with it?? I feel trapped, but maybe i can modify it.


Well, from what you describe, he sounds incredibly controlling and possessive. Is this the kind of relationship you want to form for yourself and your child? You should ask yourself that question. Ask yourself....what kind of relationship with myself am I looking to have first and foremost and just wait and see what comes up. Don't force anything. Second, once you get an answer to that, you can start to see what kind of relationship you are looking for in a potential partner. Sometimes, the easy thing to do is to stay with someone because it's easy. But, your heart knows better.

I know he's forcing himself not to be possessive, but i know he would naturally be. He can't be alone and does everything possible in order not to be like that. But he has 1000 qualities....maybe he's just "normal" with his ego. He has lots of expectations, thats for sure (but as i said, maybe it's just the majority like this).
But he never controls me, he's just very insecure.
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Re: he wants to live with me, plz give me suggestions

Postby dijmart » Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:06 pm

Sure, he may try to control or manipulate you, but in reality they're mind games. You can't be controlled or manipulated unless you allow it. Sometimes that means making difficult choices if faced with an ultimatum, but they're your choices and yours to make if the situation arises.
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