Imago said: I dont think i can get anything better in this society, i think this is the "normality": you have to stay with me otherwise im angry, i help you but you have to make me feel important ecc...
Just like a contract: doing something in order to get love back (Erich Fromm - "the art of loving").
I've tried to force myself but it doesnt work,
It might be common, but that doesn't make it 'normal' - normal is only what we choose to accept and repeat.
Of course it doesn't work as love. It works as trade & as long as the partners stay happy in their contract of trade there is no problem. But if they're calling it love, and pretending it's love, or hoping it's love, of course the façade will crack - it's not love, it's trade. Some can be honest and happy about relationships of trade, some even prefer it to love if the terms of the 'contract' are fair and agreed to honestly. It would be more honest to say I trade you, my company, my affection my attention, my whatever.. for your ...whatever, than it is to say I love you, if there is a 'thing' or 'condition' attached.
He's rich and can also help me a lot, but i feel uncomfortable at the way his happiness depends on me, otherwise will take revenge.
Can you turn this around and see how unfair - unloving, disrespectful it is / would be for him - for you to put him
in that 'role' and hold him to it? In a way, you doing what you accuse him of - making him responsible for your happiness or sorrow.
Love scores no points and holds no tally, it just is freely given & gratefully received in whatever form it manifests that generates an experience of gratitude & generosity in balance.
Btw: do you have any experience of an enlightened relationship? How can real love work in close relationships??
Love works in close relationships or any relationship through one source alone - the person experiencing it.
The quality of the experience totally depends on the awareness, capacity & willingness of that one person.
Like Di said above, no one can control you unless you let them, this is true.
If you love yourself - love (are grateful for & generous to),
honour yourself - (do no thing in awareness that will bring regret),
cherish yourself (hold precious & be kind and nurturing to) &
respect yourself (be as love would be, honestly, for honesty is the highest form of love)
then you will know what it is and how it feels, and how to express to love, honour, cherish and respect others and to be loved, honoured, cherished and respected by others.
You can't demand that they do this, you can only notice IF they do, and try to notice if the lack of is in their awareness, capacity or willingness.
And because you love, honour, cherish & respect yourself and others you will be able to navigate & negotiate the trickier bits of boundary setting & keeping in a relative sense.
In one of the CWG books (book two) it explains this very well. What love is, and isn't. I've posted the gems I found in it both here & in my blog (link below). One of the things that ring soooo true and clangs like a very loud bell when it's out of whack----
Love is without need - because it is without need it seeks nothing not wishing to be held, to give nothing not joyously welcomed.'
Basically ^ this respects boundaries.
In a healthy relationship boundaries are awarely respected, and when we overstep the mark (it's likely we all carelessly do at some time or another- giving 'advice' where it's not wanted, labelling, putting our fears on others etc) we instinctively know / feel the imbalance & correct it, & in gratitude & generosity apologise - taking responsibility for it, even where no offence has been taken - forgiven... but mindfully. It's just 'different'.
People say that "i can't love" because im not very attached....no idea....maybe i'll be alone forever, who knows....
That would very much depend on the definition of 'love' being measured against.
Maybe you 'can't trade' because it feels less than loving, cherishing, honouring & respecting yourself and others.
There are worse things than being alone Imago.
But in essence, we're never alone and we can love and be love freely.
If I were to set you homework
Consider and write out what each of these words means, looks & feels like to you
Learn to notice, 'read' and 'interpret' them in relation to your self and to & from others.
Check in with them in your decision making & experiences.
They are four things that once aware of the power of them ... they just change the world inside & out