Dealing with adultery

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment

Dealing with adultery

Postby WindInHair » Sun Dec 06, 2015 11:56 pm

Hi all, this is my first post and I need some help. I've been reading through the threads but, haven't found what I'm looking for. On 12/22 will be me and my husbands 15 year anniversary. In August I discovered he had a several month long emotional affair which rocked my world and set me on the path to awakening/self awareness. Then in September I discovered he also had a full on sexual affair which lasted about 6 months. Also discovered a porn addiction. I introduced him to ET but, didn't push, he began reading and listening to ET and others and has discovered some things for himself. He tends to forget them rather quickly though and returns to what I call lock down mode. He says he is sorry, remorseful and ashamed and he has made many attempts to be transparent with me. I am struggling to reside in the here and now. I am struggling to see his sorrow and struggling to detach. We both seem to want to fix this but, we are both getting caught up in either the past or future and it takes very little before both our pain bodies have completely taken over. I understand that I contributed to an unhealthy marriage and am committed to change but, I don't know how to stop my thoughts. I have been meditating and journaling and reading and trying to peel back my layers. The thoughts though, they are so intrusive and I don't know how to seperate it all. I know my ego is strong. I know I have much work to do but, how do I go about accepting this hurt, surrendering to it and change? I am so lost. Anyone have any tips or advice? Suggested reading material? Anything? I'm residing in madness far too much and I need help.
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Re: Dealing with adultery

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Dec 07, 2015 12:23 am

I'd suggest http://www.couplestherapyinc.com/gottma ... pocalypse/

and, being completely honest with yourself.

What is, is.

No if, but or maybe.

The agreements you made as the foundation for your relationship are broken.
That relationship is broken - band aids will not put it back together or help it to heal.
Putting a band aid over a wound without cleaning the wound out first is just masking the 'infection'.

A new relationship is required taking into account both of your realities - awareness, capacity, willingness.

New agreements are required. New boundaries and new agreed consequences are required - and maintained.

With the thoughts - ask - is this true, is this necessary, is this kind. (to you)
If not let them go.

Then in September I discovered he also had a full on sexual affair which lasted about 6 months. Also discovered a porn addiction.

If you were to put an ad in a paper for a suitable partner would these things be included?

Write the advert for the person you'd like to be in a relationship with
Write the advert for the person you are in a relationship with - the actions, behaviours, described above need to be included.

The difference between them is the distance between your expectations and your reality. Our suffering, our disappointments are always in the distance between our expectations and our reality.
It may be that our expectations (in a certain situation, or with a certain person) are unreasonable. I don't mean they're unreasonable to want them, I mean unreasonable to expect another to be that if it is not within their awareness or capacity as much as in willingness - one may be willing, but incapable, one may be capable but unaware.

Facing reality requires abject honesty - on both your parts.

Honesty is the highest form of love - for self and others.

There are many threads here on unconditional love - for self and other that may be helpful.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Dealing with adultery

Postby WindInHair » Mon Dec 07, 2015 1:15 am

Thank you.
The thoughts are true, he had an affair(s) and I found emails and pictures and text messages, the thoughts are like lightning flashing through the sky. I recall what I have seen. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, the thoughts were just my imagination envisioning things I didn't know were truth or false and I've worked hard on fighting that. But the letting them all go is the struggle. I desperately want to find peace, to accept when the emotions hit, to allow them to be and then let them fall away. OR just not care anymore. Seeing how my own ego has had such control over me and still is, is a hard pill to swallow. I guess I want a quick fix and that doesn't exist. I will take what you've said and ponder upon it. And I read the article, all of those things exist with us. I'll also continue browsing this forum. Again, thank you.
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Re: Dealing with adultery

Postby the key master » Mon Dec 07, 2015 5:25 am

Howdy Wind.

I understand that I contributed to an unhealthy marriage and am committed to change but, I don't know how to stop my thoughts. I have been meditating and journaling and reading and trying to peel back my layers. The thoughts though, they are so intrusive and I don't know how to seperate it all.


So you're conscious of a tendency to think what feels like intrusive thoughts, and a simultaneous desire to stop these thoughts. I wouldn't worry so much about separating it all, but understanding thoughts are calling for your attention because your attention is on them now. In that calling the resistance to these thoughts is made conscious, and the tendency for your mind to project an identity as some mind other than the one which is thinking such thoughts can be eliminated.

When the mind is in conflict with itself, it can be helpful to look at the feeling component to your progressions that are resisted. As those feelings are made conscious, they can be expressed, which relieves you of the need to resist them, which seems to be what you're looking for.
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Re: Dealing with adultery

Postby rivenfall » Thu Jan 21, 2016 1:01 am

Breathe... Notice the space => { }
You are writing like you are in a rush.

Notice

The

Space. And breathe. Just let go of everything that's not an absolute priority to handle.

Nothing is worth losing the space. Try taking 5 minutes instead of 5 seconds to drink a glass of orange juice. Notice how different the experience feels
After this, tell me, do you really want to go back to problem X, Y and Z ? Just take care of X for now. It's fine.
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