Letting Go of Concepts and Titles

[brandi_sixx]

Hello everyone! New to this forum and the teachings of Eckhart Tolle

I have a question that I believe is a very important one on my road to awakening...

How do I free myself from societal expectations of relationships that I've grown so accustomed to? The importance of concepts and titles?

To be more specific..

I was in an amazing relationship with an "enlightened" person in which it did not work out and we lovingly went our separate ways..

Now, we have met again but this time he wants to take it slow, and not rush into giving our "relationship" a "title," rather he just wants to "see what happens." He is not sure what he wants to happen, he says he is just enjoying the ride and whatever is supposed to happen will, all while we both maintain our own lives and are single but still kinda-sorta dating each other (although we have not become "exclusive," meaning we are free to date other people).

Now, my ego is going crazy. It is telling me that I need to know "what we are" in order to be happy. In actuality, I am enjoying him being back in life but I am almost not even able to enjoy it because my ego is going crazy, telling me that he is just using me (which he would never do), he is going to find someone else, etc.

To be honest, I think this is the best thing for us both because one of the reasons we broke up was because I depended on him completely for my happiness. I think if we were to go back to what we were, my dependency would start all over again. What we are doing now is allowing me spiritual growth because I am forced to just trust the process.

How do I let go and surrender? I know there are answers all over the books, but maybe some of your personal experiences regarding this issue would be nice Thank you!

[dijmart]

Hi,
Welcome to the forum! I haven't read Tolle in awhile, since I moved on to Vedanta. I'll give you my take regardless. Be wary of someone telling you they are enlightened first of all. Ego has many tricks and that's one of them, "let me tell people I'm enlightened! Therefore, I'm special!". Enlightenment doesn't make you special. You've just realized your true nature, which is everyone's true nature, therefore not special, in any way.

Anyways, learning to be in a relationship where you are not dependent on them, might be a good thing? As human beings we attach to people its normal. I would suggest though that you limit or refrain from sexual contact. It's in that manner, that you could be "used". In this day an age of diseases...it's risky...if he has other partners. Sorry, but I'm a nurse, so I have to go there..lol.

I don't have much more, sorry. I've been married 25 yrs and out of the dating scene for quite a long time!!!

Good luck with it all.

Dij

[brandi_sixx]

@ dijmart, thank you for your reply!

Don't worry, he never specifically told me he was "enlightened." Just watching the way that he has lived his life in the year we were together has actually been the starting point for me to start learning more about spirituality. He's very compassionate, loving, present, and accepting of what is. He's taught me a lot but never in a way in which he comes across as knowing more than me.

The thing about our relationship is that we have an extremely enjoyable sexual compatibility. That is just one of the ways we enjoy spending time together. I am safe, but I do still worry if I'm just being a fool by continuing to remain sexual with him.

It's impossible to talk to my friends that aren't spiritual at all because they are all quick to say that he is using me, if he wanted to commit he would, he's taking me for granted and thinking I will always be there, etc. And that's when I start to worry. But I know him very well and I truly don't believe those things. He is much younger than me and has a ton going on in his life right now. Very adventurous, needs his freedom more than anyone I've ever met. I think he may just be afraid because I depended on him so much when we were together, it was stifling for him.

I guess the only routes I can go are: 1) detach lovingly, maintain my own life, learn to not depend on him for my happiness, and just enjoy the ride and accept what happens or 2) leave his life. And I just don't think I want to do that...

[steve Davidson]

I liked Dijamarts post a lot and think it was very helpful. I think it is good that you are aware of what is going on Brandi and are not unconscious about this, seeing your dependency on him and all. I am sure Tolle talks about relationships in some of his books, and offers helpful suggestions and thoughts on the matter too. I also would like to recommend if you are into reading books, Don Miguel Ruizs book "The Mastery of Love" it goes into detail about relationships and how we have to find fulfillment first within ourselves, and not be needy for others to fill us up. I understand the enjoyment of the sexuality with your friend, but a relationship must be based on more than just sex and pleasure.

Edit: I just re-read your opening post. I am not sure what you are exactly asking or wanting here? You say you want to let go of concepts and titles, i guess you are referring to boyfriend and girlfriend label and just have permission to have pleasure with this person, with no strings attached. Is this what you are asking, if it is okay to be spiritual and just be with a person without labelling it anything? For you feel if you label it anything, like a relationship, then that is where the problems are and come in, like dependency?

[brandi_sixx]

I liked Dijamarts post a lot and think it was very helpful. I think it is good that you are aware of what is going on Brandi and are not unconscious about this, seeing your dependency on him and all. I am sure Tolle talks about relationships in some of his books, and offers helpful suggestions and thoughts on the matter too. I also would like to recommend if you are into reading books, Don Miguel Ruizs book "The Mastery of Love" it goes into detail about relationships and how we have to find fulfillment first within ourselves, and not be needy for others to fill us up. I understand the enjoyment of the sexuality with your friend, but a relationship must be based on more than just sex and pleasure.

Edit: I just re-read your opening post. I am not sure what you are exactly asking or wanting here? You say you want to let go of concepts and titles, i guess you are referring to boyfriend and girlfriend label and just have permission to have pleasure with this person, with no strings attached. Is this what you are asking, if it is okay to be spiritual and just be with a person without labelling it anything? For you feel if you label it anything, like a relationship, then that is where the problems are and come in, like dependency?

Steve, thank you so much for responding!

I have read "The Mastery of Love" and absolutely love it!

Also, we definitely enjoy more than a sexual relationship and pleasure, I feel he is someone who stimulates me intellectually and emotionally.

The point of my post is that he's the one mainly pushing for us to not be in a relationship right now, the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. If it were up to me, although it may not be a wise choice, I would be in a committed relationship right now with him. I've already been completely preoccupied with him since we started talking again, and my ego is uneasy with the fact that our relationship is not clearly defined and it may not turn out the way I want it to. So I guess I'm just asking for ways to allow myself to be okay with things that are not as clearly defined as my ego wants them to be? I'm also struggling with confusing my ego with who I really am.. do I just need to let him go and be with someone who is willing to commit to me right now? We were "boyfriend and girlfriend" for almost a year so it's not like it's always been this way. Or do I need to just let go and enjoy the time I have with this person I love?

I hope this is making sense, sorry I'm really confused :/

[brandi_sixx]

I also feel like I'm making up so many excuses as to why this is "okay" but it doesn't feel okay not being exclusive and knowing that the person you love could very well be dating someone else at the same time they're dating you...

[steve Davidson]

A few more thoughts i would like to share. First off, i think it is a great post/thread you started Brandi and you seem sincere and willing to look at all this stuff, which i think is wonderful.

Relationships are a mirror to help us see ourselves better and to learn things about ourself that we might not so easily see when just sitting meditating alone in the forest lets say. So relationships

serve a great purpose and can be quite helpful on the spiritual path and awakening. On your road to awakening, it seems you want to experience this relationship with this person, whether you call

it a relationship or not, the label or name is not important to you. You are learning about your dependency on him and also you are trying to free yourself from being dependent on him too and learn

to just allow or surrender to the relationship, whatever form it takes. You are learning about letting go of expectations and just allowing what is to be. You are willing to explore with him again, so

let it happen, and see what you learn from it and where it goes, whether you two go deeper into love together or go your separate ways. Do not worry about society or labels, or what people say or

think about it, follow your heart and what your Self is telling you. Watch your ego in action, watch how your ego goes crazy as you say, trust the process, allow your spiritual growth to happen.

He has started you on a path of spirituality and he has helped you to see things deeper, that is a great thing in itself and made this relationship worthwhile already, what a learning experience that

is and has been started. Now you want to see where it pushes you further or to new learning. If the sexual does not feel right to you at some point, experiment and take some time off from that with

him and see how you two are without it, or if that is a big part of your relationship. See if it brings you closer together or further apart, if the dependency is on sexual pleasure at all. You are looking

at this relationship differently than your non spiritual friends and people are concerned for you and think he might be using you. Sometimes too, others see things we are not willing to yet see for

ourself. At the moment, it sounds like you still want to give it a chance with him, see where it goes, something is still calling you to relationship with him, and you probably will be following that

urge, that demand. Hopefully, in the end, you will learn more about yourself, what you want and dont want in a relationship, will learn more about love, and letting go of attachment/dependency.

I wish you well on any decision you make and that you continue to learn and grow from this experience.

[dijmart]

Hi again,

Really nice post Steve! I think that pretty much sums it up.

Brand said-

I guess the only routes I can go are: 1) detach lovingly, maintain my own life, learn to not depend on him for my happiness, and just enjoy the ride and accept what happens or 2) leave his life. And I just don't think I want to do that...

It seems you clearly know your options. Most likely you will gravitate towards the option that currently creates more pleasure, until it doesnt. If that option starts to create more pain, then pleasure, thats when you will re-evaluate your "options".

Btw, just because your friends/family don't understand, doesn't mean they are right. Just tell them, "I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision. Thanks!"

[brandi_sixx]

Thank you both so much for the replies! You've both helped immensely.

One more thing, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I guess my main question was...

Would it be okay if I AM concerned with title/labels?

I kind of realized today that I am trying to fight that this just doesn't feel right to me and isn't something I want.

But I just love him and want him in my life so much that I'm taking whatever he'll give me..

[dijmart]

Would it be okay if I AM concerned with title/labels?

To me it's not so much about title/label, but of a commited relationship vs open relationship. If an open relationship where you or the other are free to date and have sex with others is a deal breaker for you, then I don't think there's a problem with that.

So, if that causes more pain, then the pleasure (having of a sorta relationship), then you have your answer, because if it bothers you now, you will probably get resentful over time I would imagine.

[brandi_sixx]

You're right dijmart,thank you.

I ended the "relationship" (whatever it is) today. I have been experiencing a lot of pain and have been ruminating and obsessing constantly, and it's not healthy for me. I think it's okay for me to want a relationship with someone who prioritizes me. This "open relationship" we were having was allowing him to place me as an option in his life while I was prioritizing him and it was causing me to resent him.

Thank you again so much!

[steve Davidson]

I dont know you Brandi, but am proud of you, that you did this, that took guts and self confidence, good for you. I definitely agree, it is okay for you to want a healthy loving relationship, where the person wants you too, prioritizes you. You deserve it and will attract it. Thanks for letting us know what transpired.

[dijmart]

You're right dijmart,thank you.

I ended the "relationship" (whatever it is) today. I have been experiencing a lot of pain and have been ruminating and obsessing constantly, and it's not healthy for me. I think it's okay for me to want a relationship with someone who prioritizes me. This "open relationship" we were having was allowing him to place me as an option in his life while I was prioritizing him and it was causing me to resent him.

Thank you again so much!

Yes, good for you, as Steve said. It's not that an open relationship is "wrong" in general, but if it's wrong for "you", then it would've just caused angst and hardship. So, although the break-up is painful, that will subside over time and you'll be available for life to bring you what you most desire, a commited relationship!

Take Care,

Dij

[meetjoeblack]

You're right dijmart,thank you.

I ended the "relationship" (whatever it is) today. I have been experiencing a lot of pain and have been ruminating and obsessing constantly, and it's not healthy for me. I think it's okay for me to want a relationship with someone who prioritizes me. This "open relationship" we were having was allowing him to place me as an option in his life while I was prioritizing him and it was causing me to resent him.

Thank you again so much!

I am not sure why the titles or the polygamy or fwbs. I find, someone always wants more then the other in such and such an arrangement.

I know a girl that told a guy that she needed to go on dates and that, its not so much just the comfort of a title that she required. She wanted some sort of investment. Today, they are married with children. There was a part where they broke up and parted because she needed something more then being a fwb.

Its interesting that because of her truth, she got everything she wanted, and then some.


I find the process very tricky so, when I am out, I talk to lots of people with enthusiasm and presence. A lot of doors open through this portal or so I've come to find. It doesn't last but, I am always grateful for the experience, whatever it maybe.

Good luck in your future relationships. I am sure this wont be the last of your adventures. Enjoy the ride

[dijmart]

Mjb,
What you said reminded me what my husband of 25 yrs said to me on our "first" date. He said, "I don't date people who date around, so if that's you, this will be our last date". ...I thought, Ok, buddy I'll tell you what you want to hear and then do what I want! But, I didn't date anyone else and we've been together 29 yrs total. Since I was 17, he was 21.