Struggle with husbands change over the years

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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sparkle01
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Struggle with husbands change over the years

Post by sparkle01 » Mon Jan 21, 2019 6:06 pm

I need some advice from you guys.
I am married for almost 33 years and the first 22 years passed by pretty 'normal'.
After those 22 years my husband started to look for female friends online. As he liked to travel he went to go and visit some he met online.
I am not a jealous type and was more than happy to look after the kids and stay home (it was also less expensive for him to go alone).
I also am born with a disablility but that never kept me from doing the household but have to rest from time to time so making road trips or long walks ....he could do them more easily on his own. I never had the feeling I missed something and he was good to me.
10 years ago I made a decision without him when he was on holiday concerning my son. I allowed him to buy a playstation with his own money.
Now when my husband came home he gave me the silent treatment for several weeks....I was worried to death
ter those weeks he told me it was wrong to make that decision on my own. I apologized but from that moment he ignored me and did not gave me any affection anymore.
A few years later he went to woman number 4 ( in a far country)and had sex with her. I just knew it and asked him and he did not deny it.
After he went to see her a second time he came home and said he wanted to go for our marriage again.
But at the same time he said I have to love God and not him.
He said he is not interested in affection anymore and/ or sex.
So I sleep on the couch for years now.....because he reads the Bible or is chatting with the woman he had sex with and others (he does not go and visit them anymore) when he is in bed. His focus is on the people and God. He is helping others where he can....is friendly and sociaL....at home he is quiet and does not say much and does not do much in and around the house.
I really don't judge him....I just write down how he is as a person.
I asked him several times if I could do something for him or that I am changed over the years and he said...' no....you did not change...you only put a life in my back by making a decision without me'
Ok....I get that...I accept that he changed. I also know I can't depend on others to make me happy and people can change.
I only struggle with the fact that he pushes me away....that I don't have any form of affection anymore.
I know that there are many people who live alone and don't need it either....as he is saying he is not interested anymore....but he was the first 22 years very affectionate....and with other people he can be as well.
I know it's my ego that 'needs' attention ....or warmth.
I know we are married for a reason and he seems pretty happy now and feeling good. He has his friends and hobbies and I really love him as he is....it's me who is struggling sometimes with those thoughts ....' why he is behaving differently towards others....' and can't get rid of the feeling of being neglected.
How do I overcome the need for warmth....I want to be free and not 'depending on him for that.
Maybe it's the thought of how a marriage should be. It's weird....I know I can't force anyone to do what I want when I want or behave the way I want.
But I was attracted to another person than he is now.
He does not want to leave me....because he says I am very easy to live with and I let him free and don't make a problem of anything.
He feels comfortable with me and he knows how I feel and think....he listens but never says what he thinks or feel.
He shares that online with others.....till a certain level. He is very closed as a person.
Ok....if I can overcome that feeling of lack of warmth and affection I hare taken a big step.
I have to do this on my own....because he does not want to talk and I am strong enough to overcome this.
I don't need to be more assertive because he knows what he has to know about me.....he just does not respond.

Thanks for reading my post.

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kiki
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Re: Struggle with husbands change over the years

Post by kiki » Mon Jan 21, 2019 11:42 pm

I don't know why you've come to this forum with this problem. Our primary purpose here is to listen to and advise as best we can in helping others in waking up to their true nature. What you're looking for requires professional counseling for you and husband if he's willing to do that (which I doubt he'd be interested in), or for yourself if he isn't.

However, I am sending my thoughts in a private message because I don't feel it's necessary for the public to see it.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
---

sparkle01
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Re: Struggle with husbands change over the years

Post by sparkle01 » Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:12 am

Thanks for your messages! I came here because I want to overcome this with the teachings of Eckhart in mind. I try to be as present as possible....and learn from all my challenges. A professional does not believe me....only my kids know how he is. (and yes....one professional and my Doctor who I told about everything)
I appreciate that you took the time to respond. I wonder what Eckhart would say.....so I turned to people who know about his teachings.
Knowing that I can't change him and I can"t leave him yet because kids still live under the same roof....I wanted your opinions on how to handle it in the best way on a spiritual level.
A professional said to me that I had to be more assertive.....well I am....as I said my husband knows how I feel but I think running away from the situation will not help and will hurt the kids. My Doctor advised me to stay and ignore him and let him pay the bills but keep looking after my kids.
I know he is not behaving the right way.
All I wanted is to give an inside in the situation and some advice on how I can handle it in the most conscious way with Eckhart teachings in mind.
Any professional will tell me what a jerk he is and that I don't deserve this....I know but that will not change the situation.
All I can do is make some changes inside myself....try to stop having those thoughts of feeling neglected and the need for warmth and affection.
I do think I am in the right place here....so I was surprised you asked my why I came here with my question. :)

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Sighclone
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Re: Struggle with husbands change over the years

Post by Sighclone » Tue Jan 22, 2019 8:27 pm

Eckhart says there are three ways to deal with challenges like this: accept the situation, change the situation or leave the situation. Accepting may be hard, changing may be hard, leaving may be hard. But not accepting, not changing and not leaving is a recipe for suffering. You will have to pick one alternative. I have compassion for your difficulty.

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

sparkle01
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Re: Struggle with husbands change over the years

Post by sparkle01 » Wed Jan 23, 2019 3:17 pm

Thank you Andy for your reply.
You are right....I have 3 options and have to chose one.
Thanks again and wishing you a wonderful day!

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