Marriage and Diminished Ego

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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weichen
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Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by weichen » Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:49 pm

I used to resent my wife's habitual nagging, complaining, fault-finding, put down, etc. Not anymore.

Every putdown diminishes my ego somewhat. Allow that to happen, as my ego (little me) needs that diminishing badly. It feels great to have my ego diminished, to allow space appearing around my ego, to get back in touch with pure awareness (who I really am). Through this mechanism, my wife's putdown always trigger a very intense warm joyful sensation swelling up from my stomach into my chest.

Ives
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Post by Ives » Tue Jul 31, 2007 5:48 pm

This is so great.
I have just spent ten days with my gal in Spain.

Every so often I could see her pain body being triggered and see her becoming negative.
In previous times this would have triggered my own pain and a fight would have ensued.

Now I just let it be. It’s kind of like shifting the engine of a car into neutral: it’s still turning over in there, but it doesn’t connect to the rest of the machine.
A feel an incredible aliveness when this happens.

It’s amazing when criticism can be used as a tool for awareness.

dubhasa
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Post by dubhasa » Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:35 pm

Amen weichen. Whole heartedly agree with you. Universal experience if you are WAKING UP.

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Webwanderer
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Post by Webwanderer » Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:21 am

Ives wrote:It’s kind of like shifting the engine of a car into neutral: it’s still turning over in there, but it doesn’t connect to the rest of the machine.
I like the analogy :D

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Suzanne
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neutral

Post by Suzanne » Tue Nov 06, 2007 2:44 am

Ives wrote:It’s kind of like shifting the engine of a car into neutral: it’s still turning over in there, but it doesn’t connect to the rest of the machine.
That's a great way to say it. Eckhart could use that! The engine revs but the gears don't engage. I've done it, too, with my so-called boss at work. The first few times you don't think you can put a cork in it, but after some practice, it gets easier.

Thanks!

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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by Ives » Tue Nov 06, 2007 12:38 pm

Suzanne wrote: The engine revs but the gears don't engage.
Yes, that's it exactly.

And then we watch the incredible feeling of aliveness and real power that comes with that non-engagement.
It's a great tool for living.

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Suzanne
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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by Suzanne » Wed Nov 07, 2007 1:38 am

Ives wrote: And then we watch the incredible feeling of aliveness and real power that comes with that non-engagement.It's a great tool for living.
You're right! :D I usually feel really soiled and talk to myself and try to "get over" how I feel after a round with her. But this time, you're right! I felt powerful, knowing that her attempts to hurt me had nowhere to land. Knowing that she couldn't control me through my pain body actually was empowering. Not because I thought I had won the power struggle, but because she had lost her power over me.

I took my real power back, that I had previously ceeded to her by engaging our pain bodies.

And, I have to add, that after I handled that from presence, she actually took my side and defended me, for the first time in a dozen years! Don't get me wrong, she'll always consider me a threat, but, at least we both know we can keep things polite from now on. I hope!

Have you had that happen to you?
:?:

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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by Ives » Wed Nov 07, 2007 2:38 am

Suzanne wrote: ...from now on. I hope!
Dangerous words.

No, seriously though, it sounds like you are getting to that point that so many of us here have experienced.
A lifting of the heaviness.

suraj
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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by suraj » Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:29 am

What do you guys do when say , you have a 'life situation' to which you are quite surrendered knowing that there is not much you can do about it , but your partner isn't ; constantly asking you to 'do something' about it. You can't point that out to her/him , bacause obviously that is going to make the other person even more defensive about their view.
I AM

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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Nov 07, 2007 2:37 pm

suraj wrote:What do you guys do when say , you have a 'life situation' to which you are quite surrendered knowing that there is not much you can do about it , but your partner isn't ; constantly asking you to 'do something' about it. You can't point that out to her/him , bacause obviously that is going to make the other person even more defensive about their view.
Surrender isn't about whether or not you act in a given circumstance; it is about resistance or acceptance of the conditions at hand. It is not so much an external acquiescence as it is an internal recognition that the conditions existing in this, or any, moment are valid expressions of life in form. It is not for anyone to judge whether they are right or wrong.

That being said, understanding and accepting that all conditions are valid does not restrain one from acting within those conditions to effect change. Awakened change is accomplished more by the dance than by brute force. Working with the energies of ones partners, and the music of life, allows one to move skillfully through thorny conditions without creating the more problematic conditions that result from force.

Stay present and give circumstances permission to be as they are, including the pressure from your partner. Act in accordance with your own integrity without making things right or wrong. Conditions are always in a state of flux. Some things change quickly, others not so much. Find a harmony with events and move at an appropriate pace. And finally don't judge your own participation or lack of it, just learn from it how better to dance with the conditions of life.

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Suzanne
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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by Suzanne » Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:26 am

suraj wrote:What do you guys do when say , you have a 'life situation' to which you are quite surrendered knowing that there is not much you can do about it , but your partner isn't ; constantly asking you to 'do something' about it.
Great question. I wish I knew! Have you tried asking, "Do what? Exactly what do you want me to do?" Does your partner have a specific action to take, and are the consequences of that action worth a try, if for no other reason than to let it play itself out?

I'm hoping to get into a committed relationship and give these things a try. :shock:

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erict
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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by erict » Fri Nov 09, 2007 11:18 am

Webwanderer wrote:Surrender isn't about whether or not you act in a given circumstance; it is about resistance or acceptance of the conditions at hand. It is not so much an external acquiescence as it is an internal recognition that the conditions existing in this, or any, moment are valid expressions of life in form. It is not for anyone to judge whether they are right or wrong.

That being said, understanding and accepting that all conditions are valid does not restrain one from acting within those conditions to effect change. Awakened change is accomplished more by the dance than by brute force.
Wow, great post!

suraj, it seems to me, and I might be wrong, that you're just using the concept of "surrender" to avoid dealing with something that perhaps actually needs to be dealt with.
"Be sincere; don't ask questions out of mere interest. Ask dangerous questions—the ones whose answers could change your life."

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Re: Marriage and Diminished Ego

Post by suraj » Fri Nov 09, 2007 2:41 pm

Webwanderer wrote:Surrender isn't about whether or not you act in a given circumstance; it is about resistance or acceptance of the conditions at hand. It is not so much an external acquiescence as it is an internal recognition that the conditions existing in this, or any, moment are valid expressions of life in form. It is not for anyone to judge whether they are right or wrong.
Yes, WW . I understand exactly what you mean . Thanks so much for that.
Webwanderer wrote:Stay present and give circumstances permission to be as they are, including the pressure from your partner. Act in accordance with your own integrity without making things right or wrong. Conditions are always in a state of flux. Some things change quickly, others not so much. Find a harmony with events and move at an appropriate pace. And finally don't judge your own participation or lack of it, just learn from it how better to dance with the conditions of life.
Yes , letting things be without resistance
erict wrote:suraj, it seems to me, and I might be wrong, that you're just using the concept of "surrender" to avoid dealing with something that perhaps actually needs to be dealt with.
.
Perhaps , you are right . But sometimes , the right course of action isn't very apparent. I know I have surrendered only partially to the event.
I AM

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