Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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A Name is a Label
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Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by A Name is a Label » Wed Feb 13, 2008 6:44 pm

Hey everyone,

I've been dating this girl since August or so. She has a very hard time letting me in, or opening up to me. Our initial contact was at a friends party, where we connected about our own neuroses and quirks, our fears and hopes. It was good, I have trouble with continuing small talk that has little or no substance. Anywho, I'm wondering if you have any advice for getting her to open up to me. Maybe I should open up to her? I'm giving, but I'm not getting anything back. I feel as if I'm not getting what I need/want out of the relationship. She doesn't show affection very frequently, shes near silent on the other end of the phone, we have a very strained [rather infrequent] sexual relationship, though we talk about having sex ... and now that I recognize all of this it leaves me wondering why I'm in the relationship to begin with. There's no connection, it seems. And I don't really want to ask her to change, she is who she is when she is for a reason, but if I allow my mind to create an "if only" projection of our relationship..."If only she would open up...then we'd live happily ever after, or enter your own grandiose future picture here"

I notice that I get really anxious before I call her. And it helps to leave my mind at the door when I'm with her. But she puts off this standoffish vibe... very afraid to be seen I think. I always find myself wanting to know what she's thinking. Sounds like a control drama to me... If I give enough of my energy to her by probing and asking, I'm suddenly drained and she's suddenly all amped up.

any thought?

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erict
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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by erict » Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:44 pm

Why are you with her?
"Be sincere; don't ask questions out of mere interest. Ask dangerous questions—the ones whose answers could change your life."

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:12 pm

By your account, she seems to be giving all the signals she'd rather be somewhere else. I think you have to resolve whether she really likes being with you, or does she just not know how to say good-bye.

Sit down with her in a place where you won't be disturbed (NOT on the phone), look her in the eyes and ask her straight up "How do you feel about the time you spend with me?" "Okay" is not an answer, it's a dodge. She may have issues, she may not trust you, it could be any number of things. Don't beat yourself up, or stand in judgment of her or her answers. Relationships are about chemistry. Without good chemistry, it's probably doomed to languidness. If so, to pursue it is an invitation to pain and frustration.

It's better to make a friend to remember, than to make problem to deal with.

A Name is a Label
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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by A Name is a Label » Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:35 am

Thank you both for your responses.

Why am I with her? She's beautiful, she's funny, she's out there, she's not a normal girl... yet she doesn't show me these things very often. When she does, it's obvious, she glows... her eyes are infinite, her smile is real... but she's usually off in her head somewhere else when we're together. She'll space out and her eyes will fall dead and I'll say "Hey, where'd you go??"
She's been on medication for ADD for a long time as well, and probably identifies with it. I had rejected everything stereotypically masculine growing up, and she had rejected everything stereotypically feminine, so we hit it off when we started talking about society and found that we were on the same page about a lot of things. If you guys believe in energetic polarities like I do, I was raised with a lot of feminine energy, and it seems she was raised with a lot of masculine energy. I'm an emotional rollercoaster and she's the one on the couch who wants control with the remote. It's kind of funny, really. She's told me she has a hard time showing affection; she's not warm like most girls I know, which is something that I want. Sometimes when I go to her house to hang out, I hug her and there's no hug back, and that hurts. I tease her and say "well you could at least pretend like you want me to be here... sheeesh", but then she thinks I'm calling her cold hearted. She hasn't been in any serious relationships, and has no sexual history, but has been badly burned by some guys that she trusted and so trust is an issue for sure. I doubt she really trusts me, even if she says she does.

anyway, I'm seeing her tonight and I'm gonna get real with her. Thank you!

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Oswald2001 » Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:09 pm

Every time I have encountered situations similar to what you have described they were cases of girls not being seriously interested in me for anything long term.


Rather, they only wanted to USE me until 'something better' came along.


People will actually get married with such a mindset. It happens all the time.


People will USE you endlessly if you allow them.


With all due respect, women/girls may feel unthreatened by a feminine man enough to USE him...but...they DO NOT RESPECT him.


I realize that there may be some women/girls that will say, "That's not true!".

Yeah? Well...just watch what they actually DO over time. That tells the real tale. :wink:


Another thing that I have noticed is that women/girls are generally not really CONFUSED. That's just a pose so that you...and they...don't see that they are really just USING you.


Also, I have found that...for myself...sex before commitment is ill advised. "Cart before the horse" and all the that...


Of course, you're situation may differ.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Webwanderer » Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:26 pm

Jeez Oswald, sounds like you've had a real nasty experience. But if one gets right down to it, it's the nature of ego to use other people (and everything else) to one degree or another. Maybe this is an opportunity to see a painful old memory for what it is. Remember, egos aren't real beings, they are but masks made up of unaware belief systems of separate identities. See beyond the masks of others and we see beyond the mask of our "self".

See this clearly, if we live in judgment of another, we only make ourselves feel smaller. Forgiveness is the path to freedom.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Oswald2001 » Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:41 pm

Webwanderer wrote: See this clearly, if we live in judgment of another, we only make ourselves feel smaller. Forgiveness is the path to freedom.
Ok.

See this clearly, as well.

It''s better to avoid being USED... by SEEING THINGS AS THEY REALLY ARE...than to forgive later because of your own willful blindness.

"It is as it is" -- ET

Wake up and face it up front.

It saves you a lot of time, money, energy and heartache.



Seeing what others are truly up to is NOT JUDGEMENT. It is DISCERNMENT.

La La Land may be pleasant for short term excursions, but, there is the REAL WORLD to deal with.

If you see what is REALLY going on and ACT ACCORDINGLY...you will be glad you did.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Webwanderer » Thu Feb 14, 2008 2:54 pm

Fair enough, buyer beware! In relationships and beliefs.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Oswald2001 » Thu Feb 14, 2008 3:18 pm

Webwanderer wrote:Fair enough, buyer beware! In relationships and beliefs.

Yes. And..."Look before you leap.".


If you are driving your car and you come upon a washed out bridge...should you stop the car?

Or should you keep driving?

If you keep driving, you will end up smashed to bits on the canyon floor far below.

Some people keep driving because they BELIEVE the bridge is intact. Their BELIEF did not help them.

REALITY trumps BELIEF.

DENIAL is no true refuge.


In the scenario with this girlfriend...she is REALLY 'up' to something. And that something will be shown eventually.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Webwanderer » Thu Feb 14, 2008 3:35 pm

Oswald2001 wrote:In the scenario with this girlfriend...she is REALLY 'up' to something. And that something will be shown eventually.
Well maybe, but I'm not willing to make the leap that it's something nefarious. She may be just frightened of relationships - perhaps because she got "used" somewhere in her past. In any case, I think it's beyond our perception to say with any certainty. We'll have to leave that to the wise sensitivities of A Name is a Label.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by erict » Thu Feb 14, 2008 9:24 pm

Oswald, with those kind of fervent beliefs, I don't envy you at all. Both in what may have happened before, and in what is yet to come...





But hey, at least you've established the TRUTH about girls/women. ;)




I would like to hear more about your 'sex before commitment' wisdom however. It's an interesting subject. In my observations, trying to force a certain limitation of time or something is absolutely pointless and meaningless. But that's just my limited perspective. I would like to know the TRUTH about this subject, if you don't mind sharing.
"Be sincere; don't ask questions out of mere interest. Ask dangerous questions—the ones whose answers could change your life."

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by entelechy » Fri Feb 15, 2008 11:43 pm

A Name is a Label,

From what I can see, this situation could be interpreted in various ways. She could be afraid because she had been burned from the past. It could be that these behaviours are defense mechanisms. It could be that she really is just like that- uncomfortable with showing affection. Or she could indeed be just not that into you, but feels she needs the relationship at some level. I can only speculate. The most reliable way of finding out is talking with her openly about your desires and preferences when in comes to relating with each other. As always, the key is being present. When relating to her, try to operate from Love, instead of fear. Be accepting and compassionate. For example, if she is indeed still very afraid and distrustful, chances are she will be in a place where she is fooling even herself, so how can she be truthful to anyone else? So if she ends up telling you one thing (e.g., "I trust you") but acting in a completely opposite way, see it with compassion rather as an offense /a personal attack.

People who are unconscious operate with a mind that is a function of their dramas, of their stories ("Someone wronged me before, therefore you will probably wrong me too, so why give you my 100%? I will keep you at arm's length so you can't hurt me!"). You want her to open up to you? Then show her that it's perfectly okay to do so. One way of doing this is to open up to her. But open up to her for the sake of opening up to her, not because it is a means to an end (i.e., seeking to establish control).

If you act in ways that demonstrates you are seeking to change her for whatever reason (e.g. so that you can be happier), she will only feel manipulated and controlled so she will be defensive even more. Essentially the message that will get to her is that she is not okay, that what she is is not enough . Otherwise, why would you try to change her? And who would want to be with someone who, essentially - doesn't like you bad enough to want to change you? Wouldn't you rather open up to someone who makes you feel that whatever you are, whoever you are, flaws and all- you are loved anyway?

Hope it works out well for you.
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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by suraj » Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:10 am

Well, as Byron Katie would say - "Can I know it for sure ? Can I know that it's absolutely true" . We cannot know anything for sure.
Everything would be clear and known when it's time. Not one moment before that. Meanwhile , be with her or leave her . In THIS moment , there is no dilemma.But never stop LOVING.
I AM

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by Vpopov81 » Fri Feb 22, 2008 6:06 pm

Ask her if she wants to take some ecstacy with you. Great drug for getting people to relax and open up.

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Re: Help me connect with my girlfriend.

Post by A Name is a Label » Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:26 pm

hahaha! vpopov, I laughed really hard, thank you!

It was interesting; the night I posted this thread I hung out with her and she was much different. I didn't bring anything up because it wasn't happening in that moment. I had a wonderful time with her last night; when I'm with her I feel real and raw, theres a churning in my gut that is pleasantly unpleasant... make any sense? I also think I was projecting an expectation onto her [affection]. Thanks guys, gotta go! Talk to you now!

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