why do I want to break up?

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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cbuilder
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why do I want to break up?

Post by cbuilder » Tue Mar 03, 2009 4:20 am

Dear all,

I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's books since a couple of years and more and more I recognize situations in which his teaching are of help, and in which I indeed see or act differently than when I would have followed my ego. In that respect I learn or 'awake' more every time that I listen to or read his teachings.

However I have a problem for which I cannot readily find a solution. I have now been together with my girlfriend for 2,5 years, all of which we have spent in a long distance relationship as I'm living and working in a different country. That however is not the issue.

My problem is the following. I love my girlfriend dearly. She is very devoted to me, loves me, is thoughtful of me, and our sexual relationship has always been good. Also, her parents are fantastic and caring. To sum it up, the relationship is very good. However, I have had a sense of unhappiness that has been growing, especially when we are apart. I am not 'in love' anymore (whatever that means; I've seized to seeing that as important), neither am I that much attracted to her anymore. Furthermore, something that eventually might happen in a long distance relationship, I have met another person for which I have developed 'feelings'. But that is secondary, the fact is that I love my girlfriend a lot, and although there are things that bother me sometimes, that doesn't affect the basic love that I feel for her.

I am trying to understand myself through the philosophy of mr. Tolle. If I could just accept the suchness of life, the present moment, I should be happy, especially as I don't have any lack in my relationship. Why then can't I find peace in my relationship? How important is physical attraction? Does Eckhart Tolle's teachings mean that one could be in a romantic relationship with anyone regardless of physical form, if one would stop to identify with form? In this sense, are physical/sexual relationships possible or indeed necessary if the one source of happiness is presence?

Why can't I be happy with this person, who cares for me and who I care for? For a long time, I have tried to perceive this as my Ego which is telling me that what I have is not enough or is not completing my sense of self. This has been valuable to a certain degree, because it has helped to diffuse situations which otherwise would have resulted in fights. But although that has improved the relationship that I have with my girlfriend, it hasn't changed the fact that I feel constricted in this relationship and want to end it.

Realizing this, I immediately felt a physical pain in my body, which I recognized to be my painbody. This did help, I could see my painbody and disassociate from it. That cleared my mind, but the problem still remains. I have been 'dumped' by ex-girlfriends and although the pain that resulted from those experiences has led me to the teachings of Zen and master Tolle, it is not something that I want to cause in my girlfriend by breaking up with her, for I care a great deal for her. But on the other hand, I don't know if I can go on with this relationship when I have the feeling that I want to escape and in which it seems that my girlfriend has also built a dependency on me that is one-sided.

So sorry for this long topic opener, but my questions really are the following: if all beings are equal beyond physical form, could/should you be able to have and maintain a fulfilling romantic relationship with any other human being? What is the meaning or function of physical attraction, is it merely an egoic mindset in which one reflects ones own sense of attractiveness by the physical appearance of the subject of their 'love'? I feel very guilty for wanting to end this relationship. Indeed, it looks like it's my ego or painbody that wants to create suffering in a situation that seems to be perfect. Is there any teaching by master Tolle that could explain my situation and justifies that I would break up this relationship? I love my girlfriend very much and do not want to cause suffering for her, while at the same time it might be impossible to avoid that. But before I break up, at least I want to find out why I'm breaking up and if I'm doing the right thing.

thanks for any responses and help.

Christopher

tod
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Re: why do I want to break up?

Post by tod » Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:19 pm

Welcome to the forum Christopher. You ask a lot of questions; I'll have a go at some of them:

Falling in love is an opportunity for two people to ongoingly surrender to love, and this requires a great deal of conscious presence to maintain. What can often happen is that one or other, or both, of the pair is not sufficiently present (conscious) to be able to maintain surrender, and so then a 'cycle of love' may start - an apparent in and out of love.

In or out of a relationship, if one remains in, or maintains, the natural state of surrender (love, awareness,presence), then that one is not subject to this cycle.
***
Love may appear to change as we go through life, perhaps from an exclusive, heady or romantic love, to a more inclusive, peaceable love; but love does not really change. The change is more a change of view, from one of wanting love to one of being loving or loving being.

With best wishes,

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Suzanne
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Re: why do I want to break up?

Post by Suzanne » Tue Apr 07, 2009 3:44 pm

cbuilder wrote: Why then can't I find peace in my relationship?
Christopher
Welcome, Christopher.
I believe Eckhart would reply that you will not ever find peace in relationship with others. But you can find peace within yourself. It's always with you. Underneath the drama.

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Suzanne
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Re: why do I want to break up?

Post by Suzanne » Tue Apr 07, 2009 3:46 pm

tod wrote: Falling in love is an opportunity for two people to ongoingly surrender to love, and this requires a great deal of conscious presence to maintain. What can often happen is that one or other, or both, of the pair is not sufficiently present (conscious) to be able to maintain surrender, and so then a 'cycle of love' may start - an apparent in and out of love.

In or out of a relationship, if one remains in, or maintains, the natural state of surrender (love, awareness,presence), then that one is not subject to this cycle.
***
Love may appear to change as we go through life, perhaps from an exclusive, heady or romantic love, to a more inclusive, peaceable love; but love does not really change. The change is more a change of view, from one of wanting love to one of being loving or loving being.

With best wishes,
Thanks. This is the reminder I came in here to read. :)

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kiki
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Re: why do I want to break up?

Post by kiki » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:47 pm

This is the reminder I came in here to read. :)
I'm glad you found something to help you, Suzanne.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
---

Lilili
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Re: why do I want to break up?

Post by Lilili » Tue May 31, 2011 11:42 pm

It`s been a long time from the first post, I am new here and i`ll try to give some of my opinions on this subject. Love is different for all of us. That is well known. All questions that are showing up in our mind are really just an ego. But as Echkart says, people are destined to go through that phase , egoistic phase in order to go beyond and to learn, to distinguish what`s ego and and what`s awareness.

In this case, if you feel that something is not right, no matter what your mind is telling you, that for example you love your girlfriend and you don`t want to hurt her feelings...No matter, something is telling you, you are not quite happy with her, right? You can`t explain that coz life can`t be explained by human intelligence. We just have to accept things, not trying to analize them non stop coz we will not get anywhere.

And i agree that the most important relationship that one can have is relationship within yourself. If you accept yourself you will automaticly know what you need in your life and what you don`t need. We all are living in totaly different story from all others, even from are partners, the closest people. We are living in totaly different worlds. Very often we don`t understand each other and we make so much drama, but we are not supposed to understand at least not with our mind, we need just to accept others and their universums. So no matter what our mind is telling us, we should listen to our heart, we should listen and feel that deep dimension in us which can`t be explained by words, and where are all the answers...

nutrition
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Re: why do I want to break up?

Post by nutrition » Sun Jun 12, 2011 5:07 pm

Your falling out of love with your girlfriend indicates that the type of love you have for her is romantic love, the kind in fact that ET talks about and from which you fall out of love. You also say that your girlfriend is dependent on you emotionally.
Furthermore, something that eventually might happen in a long distance relationship, I have met another person for which I have developed 'feelings'. But that is secondary, the fact is that I love my girlfriend a lot, and although there are things that bother me sometimes, that doesn't affect the basic love that I feel for her.
This is not secondary, and it is very important. The fact that you developed feelings for someone else shows that again you are trapped into this romantic love-feel the pang in your heart sort of addiction. ALso, this situation requires you to be honest and break up with your girlfriend. Do not spare her the pain. Be honest and tell her the truth. Loss is a great opportunity to awaken for both you and her.

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