Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
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Suzanne
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Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Tue Apr 07, 2009 3:28 pm

Yep. I did it. Here I am, with a man and his great big NY italian ego.

Talk me down off the ledge!

It's been 2 months, and already, he's furious with me. I'm not supplying him with the gratification of his every little oh-so-immediately important demanding little ego. What a tyrant his ego is! I had forgotten, living my happy little single existance.

He's completely convinced that happiness is getting me to play the part of the woman in his head. And I keep failing! Miserably!!

Geez- Why can't I just be every thought in his head? Why don't I call him 3 times a day reciting every thought in my head? Why don't I absolutely love it when he falls asleep on top of me, snoring in my ear? Why am I being so difficult?

I have so many other interests, meaning, not him. Those tedious little distractions from him. Like my job.

And of course, he's completely in love with me, was from the start. I am the solution to all of his incredibly important problems. Until I'm not. And then I'm withholding, so, of course, I'm being mean to him, just like his first wife. She made him miserable, too.

I can't believe I've gotten myself into this, again. When will I learn???? :lol:

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by heidi » Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:48 pm

I have so many other interests, meaning, not him.
Sounds like it's time to move on. :)
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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by eputkonen » Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:59 pm

Or at least an opportunity to observe your own ego...why is all this so problematic again?
:)
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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:31 pm

All this drama! I really had forgotten.

LIfe really is easier alone, but, here I am, missing the male influence in my life until it's keeping me up nights snoring!!! :lol:

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Plorel » Thu Apr 09, 2009 9:28 pm

LIfe really is easier alone
Can you really know that that is true? :)
I used to image myself going to a lonely place, leaving all the world problems behind me.
But whenever I find such a place, all the problems come with me, cause they are in my head and only in my head.
"A clear mind doesnt see a problem anywhere, it only sees perfection" - Bk.

namaste
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Who am I without my story?

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:25 am

Dear Stefan,
You obviously haven't tried to sleep with a chain saw lying right next to you!

I fear I'll never be THAT spiritual!

He's a wonderful man. But he thinks he needs alot of little things that really don't actually make him happy, and then, when I don't come through as the supplier of all these little needs, he takes it personally....And I don't want to explain or lecture him about attachment and grasping, so,

his needs go unresolved and I'm just waiting for the blame phase of the relationship to start....

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Onceler » Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:36 am

Hey Suzanne,

I guess you needed a reminder of .....something.
Be present, be pleasant.

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Fri May 01, 2009 3:49 pm

Those famous, immortal words: I knew they were coming: "All I want is..."

Yep. I knew we were on this road. It was only a matter of time. Actually, it didn't take long.
I'm not supplying what he wants.
I'm holding out.
Being with him, enjoying him isn't enough.

He's actually making up things I think and then arguing with me that I shouldn't think them, even though I'm not thinking them, he is thinking I'm thinking them.

All this thinking.

He's feeling cheated. I'm not madly infatuated, head over heels, 24-7 emeshed, and he's taking it personally.

No space. It's like space is a threat. No quiet.

It's a 24-7 cycle of gratification, and I'm the Fairy God Mother.

My choices are Fairy God Mother, bestower of all desires, or the devil incarnate.

All I want to be is me. Nothing special. Just me. Apparently, that's not gonna do it for him. :lol:

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by samadhi » Fri May 01, 2009 4:16 pm

If i may make the following observation - you seem very focused on him, what he's thinking, what he wants, what he's expecting, demanding, wanting - kind of making out that he's completely stuck on all this. But to me it seems like you're the one that's completely stuck on all of it. You're fixated on his ego; when really his ego is none of your business; the only ego we're responsible for is our own. My advice is to forget his ego and what he's thinking and doing and all the bad things you've attached to him and focus on your ego and all the stuff it's bringing up in you. My experience in relationships is - it's never about the other person (even when you're 200% convinced it is), it's always about you..which is good, because you're the only person you're responsible for. He's triggering stuff in you I believe - own it, work with it. You can do it. But only you.

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by randomguy » Fri May 01, 2009 5:01 pm

All I want to be is me. Nothing special. Just me. Apparently, that's not gonna do it for him.
That may be. Like samadhi said, all we can really do effectively is focus on ourselves.

I find Byron Katie's 4 questions really excellent. Below is a link to the book review on this forum for "Loving What Is"
http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth ... ?f=27&t=10 and her site, http://thework.com/index.asp
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

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Suzanne
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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Fri May 01, 2009 5:39 pm

Dear samandi,
Of course. But that's his complaint: I'm not reading his mind, I'm not anticipating his every need.

I am just doing my own thing, and he's in tears, pleading with me to become the woman in his head instead of myself.

I am just being me, and he's telling me that's a betrayal of his needs.

This is what I was worried about. I think he'll tell me it's over soon.
It's too bad because his ego is ruining it. he's really a sweet person with a desperately needy ego.

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by samadhi » Fri May 01, 2009 6:15 pm

Suzanne wrote:Dear samandi,
Of course. But that's his complaint: I'm not reading his mind, I'm not anticipating his every need.

I am just doing my own thing, and he's in tears, pleading with me to become the woman in his head instead of myself.

I am just being me, and he's telling me that's a betrayal of his needs.

This is what I was worried about. I think he'll tell me it's over soon.
It's too bad because his ego is ruining it. he's really a sweet person with a desperately needy ego.
I get you and I hear you - it's hard being in a relationship with a strong ego. Sounds like he has a lot of issues if he really wants you to transform yourself into the image he has in his head rather than be you. It's certainly not honouring you. I really love Eckhart's chapter on relationships in PoN, and found it really helpful...the best we can do is bring presence to the relationship. That presence will have an effect; either the other person will start to become a bit more conscious, or they'll go the other way and the relationship will end. But if it ends in presence, it can be quite a beautiful thing, as happened to me recently. My advice would be to let go and bring consciousness - accept where he's at, accept his ego, accept his inability to be with the real you. The acceptance will either heal or, if he's not ready to heal, then you'll part, but hopefully amicably and peacefully without recrimination.

I wish you all the very best and every happiness to you both whatever happens :)

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Fri May 01, 2009 8:08 pm

Thanks.
I really am happy just being with him. We had a nice trip to Boston. We do have fun. But then, he's overcome with these demands. sometimes it's even that my reaction to something he says is not what he wants, right down to the words i use. I am giving him open ended responses that are like, "oh" and "right." and that's what's pissing him off.

He thought he was madly in love with me, practically ready to propose on the 2nd date. i just chuckled and thought, well, we'll see. So, he's telling me he's demanding that I throw myself at him and announce how desperately I'm in love with him, and that he's been patient for 3 long months, and why am I refusing to return the feelings?

I tried once to explain that th hot flash of infatuation burns out quickly and that I want to see what we'll have beyond that, and he just changed the subject.

He's desperate to hear the word love and he doesnn't hear any other. HIs patience is wearing thin. Nothing else interests him.

The trouble is, I know, that if I give him what he demands the next demand is right behind. They never stop. I haVe been refusing all the little damands, like, not staying out until 12:30 in a bar when I have to get out of bed at 5:30. He puts sushi right on my plate when he knows quite clearly that I don't like raw fish. I have to go 3 rounds with him every time. He orders french fries and then pushes them at me, knowing I don't ever eat such things, and then complains that it went uneaten.

It's really an education.

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by Suzanne » Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:56 am

Well, this story does not have a happy ending.

Maybe there's a limit to this accepting stuff. It's gotten me into alot of unneeded drama.

I tried to give him some space before breaking up with him, and when I came home he was sitting on my front step. Yup. I'm being stalked.

Skipping the details, I have asked him to stop calling and emailing me. I think that's stopped, only because I threatened to give them to the police.

But last night I went to a restaurant where I hang out with friends. When they told him to leave he did. So I was there a couple hours blissfully away from him.

Today my girlfriend calls me to tell me he came back after I left. Now the entire place is threatening him to leave me alone. They all think he's bi-polar.

I never thought this man would be so crazy. Real quirky but not this crazy.

Maybe a little more judgment on my part is called for.

I'm certainly learning alot, the question is, do I really want to learn this???

My girlfriend is an ex-cop and says after trying to reason with him, she thinks he's unstable. She says I can't afford to talk to him and I agree. He doesn't hear what I say, only what he wants to hear.

So I haven't said anything except stop calling me. I believe he's trying to engage my painbody into exchanging insults, etc. My girlfriend says that because I'm not engaging with him, it's making him crazier.

I should have stayed home and watched re-runs!

Maybe the monks have it right: Just put on the prayer garb and sit in silence. Wow, that sounds good.

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Re: Let a man and his ego into my life, again. Ambivilant!

Post by domokato » Wed Jun 03, 2009 2:13 am

I went a little crazy when my kinda-girlfriend kinda-cheated on me. This was before I knew about Tolle. Yeah, the fact that you're burning the bridge between you and him is probably what's making him crazy, and I can't tell if you're being clear about this with him, but if it's unclear it's probably only making things worse in his head. If you want to make him less crazy, I would recommend talking to him calmly, listening to what he has to say and saying what you want to say, in presence. He feels the world is against him and the only way he can react is to fight harder and harder until he's completely burned out, and I've been to that point and it is not a good place to be... It's up to you if you care.
~housecat

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