Question about marriage

Talk about relationships in the context of Spiritual Enlightenment
lovesolvesall
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Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Sun May 08, 2011 9:29 am

Hello everyone! I wanted to post here today because I recently read Eckhart Tolle's book (among others) and have become spiritual. I have never been spiritual my whole life, but was aised with very spiritual parents who I guess lead me to this path now that I am 24. I was always associated with form and material things before but in the past month my life has drastically changed. I think the change is for the better... I am at peace, I feel peaceful and joy. I love being present and aware of my thoughts and working on staying positive. However, my Husband (who I have been with for 8 years) does not like the change in me. Now when we have arguemens I don't say much (because I know it's my pain body). .. But sometimes it activates and my ego arises.. As the days go by I often find my husband critizing me and my new found spirituality and way of living. He doesnt like this new spiritual me.. or my growth.. I love him so much and I have tried to get him to read Eckharts book and do other positive things. However, he wants nothing to do with it. For example today we were at the beach and I was literally at peace and so happy the whole time we were there. But when I look at my husband he is caught up in is thoughts, and could not ejoy the moment at all. He kept complaining, and talking about negative instances, and even made a couple negative comments to me about me. It didnt bother me much because I was in such a peaceful state (because of the beach setting and the beauty of it)... But if this continues I don't know what to do.. I love him and feel that he is half my soul. However he is very resistant to the universe and opening his heart to me and the world.. Thanks for reading

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WhatisMu
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by WhatisMu » Wed May 11, 2011 12:18 am

lovesolvesall wrote:Hello everyone! I wanted to post here today because I recently read Eckhart Tolle's book (among others) and have become spiritual. I have never been spiritual my whole life, but was aised with very spiritual parents who I guess lead me to this path now that I am 24. I was always associated with form and material things before but in the past month my life has drastically changed. I think the change is for the better... I am at peace, I feel peaceful and joy. I love being present and aware of my thoughts and working on staying positive. However, my Husband (who I have been with for 8 years) does not like the change in me. Now when we have arguemens I don't say much (because I know it's my pain body). .. But sometimes it activates and my ego arises.. As the days go by I often find my husband critizing me and my new found spirituality and way of living. He doesnt like this new spiritual me.. or my growth.. I love him so much and I have tried to get him to read Eckharts book and do other positive things. However, he wants nothing to do with it. For example today we were at the beach and I was literally at peace and so happy the whole time we were there. But when I look at my husband he is caught up in is thoughts, and could not ejoy the moment at all. He kept complaining, and talking about negative instances, and even made a couple negative comments to me about me. It didnt bother me much because I was in such a peaceful state (because of the beach setting and the beauty of it)... But if this continues I don't know what to do.. I love him and feel that he is half my soul. However he is very resistant to the universe and opening his heart to me and the world.. Thanks for reading
Can you be present with your husband as he continues to be who he is? Can you be open spaciousness beside him while he is who he is on the beach? Can you be who you are without trying to change him or impose what you think is good and right upon him? These are truly questions, and not veiled instructions. People grow, they change, and they also sometimes stay the same. This is fantastic, there can be room for wonderous surprises in your relationship if you allow for growth and lack of it in both yourself and your mate. If we expect the person we married, or ourselves, to be the same always, reality will probably disappoint us.

In Buddhist circles there is a saying, the "stink of enlightenment". Why would someone say that it took them 10 years to lose the stink of enlightenment? What is the stink of enlightenment? Can we have that smell even if we aren't enlightened? What does it mean? Does it help others, or put them off? What is the most compassionate way to live with people who may not share our views, or our excitement about how there are no real problems?

The answer I have found are to remember that they are me. Absolutely, without a doubt. They are me. What do I need? Well, I need space, presence, attention, love and understanding. If I can be present without imposing myself or my own ideas (or lack of ideas) on them, I can be of more use to them and to myself. Or at least that is what I have come up with so far. :D

Cheers!
“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.”
- Tao Te Ching

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by smiileyjen101 » Wed May 11, 2011 1:26 am

hi lovesolvesall (nice nick by the way :)
Can you be present with your husband as he continues to be who he is?
This is great reminding ^ we are one, but we are many.
Just as you watch the sea sometimes slowly creep up on the sand by its fingertips, and other times crash itself violently onto the rocks - is there any less beauty in the sea regardless of its expression of itself? Is there any less beauty in your husband?

I love him and feel that he is half my soul.
Divide your notion of your soul not by half, but by the billions of expressions of it currently walking the Earth in human form, then you'll notice you are not able to respond for, or wish for less resistance within, any other of them. We can only each walk in our own shoes.

You can only BE you in this human form, with the love and compassion of knowing yes, we are all one and yes resistance creates suffering.

You are looking at the same thing and seeing it through different eyes and experiences, that's okay.
But if this continues I don't know what to do..
^ That is projecting into some future point, of course you cannot know what to do in that which is not here and now.

What about this are you resisting and projecting?
Return to presence, come back to now, be the change you want to see in your life and let others walk in their own shoes with your love and compassion.

In PON ET has a section on enlightened relationships and what an opportunity relationships are as a constant reminder of the above.

with love
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Fri May 13, 2011 6:08 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:hi lovesolvesall (nice nick by the way :)
Can you be present with your husband as he continues to be who he is?
This is great reminding ^ we are one, but we are many.
Just as you watch the sea sometimes slowly creep up on the sand by its fingertips, and other times crash itself violently onto the rocks - is there any less beauty in the sea regardless of its expression of itself? Is there any less beauty in your husband?


+++++This analogy about the sea and its beauty even when it hit the rocks almost brought tears to my eyes! I actually said to my husband , "I heard a quote that said when the ocean crashes among the sand and then crashes against the rocks... it is still just as beautiful when hit's the rocks. And to me you are still that beautiful."

After I told him that we got along for the rest of the night.. And we have been getting along better since the sea analogy.. So thankyou.. It is very beautiful
I love him and feel that he is half my soul.
Divide your notion of your soul not by half, but by the billions of expressions of it currently walking the Earth in human form, then you'll notice you are not able to respond for, or wish for less resistance within, any other of them. We can only each walk in our own shoes.

You can only BE you in this human form, with the love and compassion of knowing yes, we are all one and yes resistance creates suffering.

You are looking at the same thing and seeing it through different eyes and experiences, that's okay.
But if this continues I don't know what to do..
^ That is projecting into some future point, of course you cannot know what to do in that which is not here and now.

What about this are you resisting and projecting?
Return to presence, come back to now, be the change you want to see in your life and let others walk in their own shoes with your love and compassion.

In PON ET has a section on enlightened relationships and what an opportunity relationships are as a constant reminder of the above.

with love
+++++I am resisting the flow of life sometimes.. my ego gets in the way.. My sense of self.. I am becoming more aware everyday.. Although I find I have to read Eckhart Tolle and watch his youtube videos a lot to remind myself that I am not this 'form' and that I am formless.. The soul in the body... Thankyou both of you for responding.. My husband and I are on better terms now and he listened to me talk about "A New Earth" for about an hour.. So at least he knows a tiny bit where I am coming from.

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Fri May 13, 2011 6:16 am

Thankyou for your response.. Your quote "They are me" made a lot of sense to me. Having a relationship with my significent other is like my relationship with God or spaciousness in a sense.. However, I am just now finding out about this inner feeling of peace and awareness. Sometimes I feel my anxiety and ego creep back in when I am with my husband and we fight.. But I am trying my best to lose the 'me' and 'mine' and just become present altogether.

Silence
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by Silence » Mon May 16, 2011 1:21 pm

Hi, Lovesolvesall!

I want to remember Tolle’words: the suffering is necessary and it is not necessary. It is necessary only for the surrender and it is not necessary, because it itself is superfluous. In my opinion you suffer because of what your husband is and you will continue to do that. You are in a period of transition – you know what is it ‘satori’ , but you don’t know what is it ‘samadhi’ (see the quote below - 'the stink of enlightment ' is not about you). When the surrender is complete, would fall off people who do not tremble on your frequency. They will simply disappear from your life. Depends what you expect from love. Love is sharing. Of course, love is acceptance as well, but it is sharing between two beings. I think if your mate is not changing, eventually you are going to leave him or he is going to leave you. There is one more option (choice) – you are suffering and bit by bit are entering in the unconsciousness. When one is not in surrender she/he can’t be in full value relationship. Look at that Tolle’s interview:
http://www.soulscode.com/how-to-make-lo ... ationship/

Yes, I am you, but I (like you) choose to live a beautiful life without everyday conflicts.

‘Is it possible to have a positive, healthy attachment that you can ultimately hold onto forever?
Sure, why not? But I see it as a progression, from unhealthy attachments like addictions onto attachment to positive things, like heath, food, stress-reducing exercises, meditation, and spirituality. But it has to get more and more subtle, or else we get stuck at those places. As our enlightened mind grows, it gets more subtle. A Zen teacher calls it the stink of enlightenment -the last thing you get attached to is enlightenment. That would be like golden shackles, rather than rusty, iron ones. Maybe you should just raise your sights and get attached to higher and deeper things, and trust that this sort of teaching leads beyond even itself. As Buddha said, "Dharma is like a raft, to cross the raging river of suffering." All rafts may be left behind when we reach the other shore.’

Be yourself! And after that be every human beings!
Be happy!
"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."
~Nikos Kazantzakis

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Mon May 23, 2011 5:01 am

Did a lot of people diaa

When the surrender is complete, would fall off people who do not tremble on your frequency. They will simply disappear from your life.


+++Did a lot of people dissappear from your life? Because I am noticing that people are from mine.. Not my husband of course but I have a lot of best friends that I communicate with a lot less.


Depends what you expect from love. Love is sharing. Of course, love is acceptance as well, but it is sharing between two beings. I think if your mate is not changing, eventually you are going to leave him or he is going to leave you.


+++He isnt changing but I think we are accepting each other more and more. He is accepting my daily references to spirituality and the thought process. And I am accepting him for who he is (maybe the analogy of the waves hitting the rocks above describes him, but he is still beautiful and a great soul)

There is one more option (choice) – you are suffering and bit by bit are entering in the unconsciousness. When one is not in surrender she/he can’t be in full value relationship. Yes, I am you, but I (like you) choose to live a beautiful life without everyday conflicts.

+++I know one day you are just suppose to wake up and be present all the time. I havnt become enlightened yet. There are many moments where I feel at one with the world. But I am not there yet.

‘Is it possible to have a positive, healthy attachment that you can ultimately hold onto forever?Sure, why not? But I see it as a progression, from unhealthy attachments like addictions onto attachment to positive things, like heath, food, stress-reducing exercises, meditation, and spirituality. But it has to get more and more subtle, or else we get stuck at those places. As our enlightened mind grows, it gets more subtle. A Zen teacher calls it the stink of enlightenment -the last thing you get attached to is enlightenment. That would be like golden shackles, rather than rusty, iron ones. Maybe you should just raise your sights and get attached to higher and deeper things, and trust that this sort of teaching leads beyond even itself. As Buddha said, "Dharma is like a raft, to cross the raging river of suffering." All rafts may be left behind when we reach the other shore.’

+++I want to get attached to higher things.. But I come back to my "form" a lot.. Thinking about my form etc even though I know it is ever changing and not something to depend on. I am practicing a lot of things that can get someone to become enlightened. I know there is no set time limit, and I should just become present in every moment. Thanks for the response :)

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xxx
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by xxx » Mon May 23, 2011 5:19 pm

Be present. arguments fall away in the now.

Continue on your own journey, allow him to continue on his. He is not 'being' the wrong way. There is no wrong way.
Help him through his suffering as you can; have compassion for him, and yourself. Forgive all transgressions.

"Did a lot of people disappear from your life? Because I am noticing that people are from mine.. Not my husband of course but I have a lot of best friends that I communicate with a lot less."

This can only be your own doing.

Friends and family are ever moving closer to me, as are all people and trees, and birds, cubicles, you, light, as I desire.

Sure, sometimes i sounds like a fundamentalist trying to help others through their pain- but the truth is self-evident, and peace from within become peace all around. Being is above religion, and is the only light under which religion makes any sense, as each form carries a small seed.

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by smiileyjen101 » Tue May 24, 2011 2:02 am

Glad the sea analogy helped lovesolvesall.

On the falling away of people, some need the drama of the pain body to feed on and if they don't get it from you, and they don't learn from you or be inspired to find a more peaceful way, they may fall away. Likely to find others who still enjoy the drama.

Some 'feel' something happening and may not understand it, may not even read the books you so enjoy, but the vibration of your love IS regardless of what others are doing. Some come closer to the lightness, others scurry away into the darkness in fear.

We cannot judge the journey of another soul, we can only be love and compassion for all.

You also can never know which seeds of love that you sow will find a nurturing bed in which to grow, plant the seeds anyway :)

oooh ^ that reminded me of a song I love....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uLtyzRgmyI
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Thu May 26, 2011 12:37 am

Be present. arguments fall away in the now.


+++I like that.. Your right they do fall away in the now :)

Continue on your own journey, allow him to continue on his. He is not 'being' the wrong way. There is no wrong way.
Help him through his suffering as you can; have compassion for him, and yourself. Forgive all transgressions.


+++I have been more positive and even when he is having a "ocean hitting the rock moment" I am trying to be sweet and loving. I have been reading Bryon Katie which has been helping me with this too..


Friends and family are ever moving closer to me, as are all people and trees, and birds, cubicles, you, light, as I desire.


+++Your right.. It was my own doing with one of my best friends.. I picked up the phone and called her yesterday. However, some people are better left in my past.


Sure, sometimes i sounds like a fundamentalist trying to help others through their pain- but the truth is self-evident, and peace from within become peace all around. Being is above religion, and is the only light under which religion makes any sense, as each form carries a small seed.


+++Thanks for your reply :)

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Thu May 26, 2011 12:43 am

Glad the sea analogy helped lovesolvesall.


+++Yes it really did! I still use it all the time and it makes me be nice in the present moment instead of getting caught up in fights

On the falling away of people, some need the drama of the pain body to feed on and if they don't get it from you, and they don't learn from you or be inspired to find a more peaceful way, they may fall away. Likely to find others who still enjoy the drama.


+++Yes I am trying to pull some of my best friends in this direction by reccomending books etc.. And I don't want to be in their business at all, but I know the choices they are making (drinking/perscription meds) are not good.. I guess I am going to accept things for what they are and just hope that their path leads to happiness and still be loving towards them through it all. (With out letting it change my vibrational frequency)

Some 'feel' something happening and may not understand it, may not even read the books you so enjoy, but the vibration of your love IS regardless of what others are doing. Some come closer to the lightness, others scurry away into the darkness in fear.


+++Thats true..

We cannot judge the journey of another soul, we can only be love and compassion for all.

+++Also true

You also can never know which seeds of love that you sow will find a nurturing bed in which to grow, plant the seeds anyway :)

oooh ^ that reminded me of a song I love....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uLtyzRgmyI


+++Thanks for the song.. Everyone on this website is so insightful! Thanks for the reply again :)

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Thu May 26, 2011 12:50 am

Update on my marriage.. Well everything has been going really well.. I have been loving and I try not to fight back. I have been using the Bryon Katie method out load towards my husband when he says something negative.

Is this true?
Are you sure its true?
Who would you be with out this thought?
Turn it around

I really like it but when I try to do it on him im not sure it is working to well.. Does anyone else try this methond aloud to any of their friends/family? My husband and I only have about another week together before I go to Alaska and he goes to Florida (both visiting family). And we just got in an arguement over when we should leave.. I want to leave Sunday morning and he wants to leave that evening and post pone putting our stuff in storage. I was wondering how I should handle this fight. Looking at my self from a distacne I saw my active pain body arise during the fight we just had and I felt bad. I am trying to just be in the present moment but I really want to leave early so I can see my Dad before I leave to Alaska. Any advice on how I should handle this? Should I just be quite and let him have his way so we dont fight?

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xxx
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by xxx » Thu May 26, 2011 9:38 pm

Do not become attached to any particular position or opinion. This applies to all things, including upcoming travel plans.

:Is this true?
Are you sure its true?
Who would you be with out this thought?
Turn it around:

--sounds like a mind game. A way to get lost in the ego.

lovesolvesall
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by lovesolvesall » Fri May 27, 2011 9:55 am

xxx wrote:Do not become attached to any particular position or opinion. This applies to all things, including upcoming travel plans.

:Is this true?
Are you sure its true?
Who would you be with out this thought?
Turn it around:

--sounds like a mind game. A way to get lost in the ego.

I decided that I dont want to fight with him. But it was odd last night he woke up at 5 am when I got up to use the bathroom and half asleep said "Im sorry" and just hugged and held me for a while.. :) So I think the positivity I have been putting off has been helping us a lot. Even if it is in his subconscious


Eckhart Tolle is quoted saying this about Bryon Katies work, " Bryon Katies work is a great blessing for our planet."

I have found that her book has helped me become a better person. Her real life examples I can apply to my life and the relationships I have with others. When I find myself having bossy tendencies I usually just 'turn it around' and find out that I should just do it myself. Or when someone says something negative to me I just turn it around and see that they are not aware of what is actually going on. A lot of times I also ask my self Who would I be without that thought? Or others who they would be with out that thought. My husband and I had a laugh tonight because I was driving somewhere and he said that he gets annoyed with the way I drive (he's always said this, but in a playful way) and so then I asked him who would he be with out that thoguht. He just smiled, laughed, and by the look in his eye I think he really understood.

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WhatisMu
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Re: Question about marriage

Post by WhatisMu » Fri May 27, 2011 5:57 pm

lovesolvesall wrote:Update on my marriage.. Well everything has been going really well.. I have been loving and I try not to fight back. I have been using the Bryon Katie method out load towards my husband when he says something negative.

Is this true?
Are you sure its true?
Who would you be with out this thought?
Turn it around

I really like it but when I try to do it on him im not sure it is working to well.. Does anyone else try this methond aloud to any of their friends/family? My husband and I only have about another week together before I go to Alaska and he goes to Florida (both visiting family). And we just got in an arguement over when we should leave.. I want to leave Sunday morning and he wants to leave that evening and post pone putting our stuff in storage. I was wondering how I should handle this fight. Looking at my self from a distacne I saw my active pain body arise during the fight we just had and I felt bad. I am trying to just be in the present moment but I really want to leave early so I can see my Dad before I leave to Alaska. Any advice on how I should handle this? Should I just be quite and let him have his way so we dont fight?
I could not agree with you more. Byron Katie's work allows us to shine awareness on our thoughts. Simply "letting them go" worked minimally for me. Inquiry has allowed so many thoughts to diffuse themselves. They simply have no power, and what is left behind when they diffuse is the Now.

I suppose the advice I would give to you is to be sure he knows what you want to do and why. How important it is to you to see your Dad, etc. All you can do is be clear about things without looking for or expecting a fight. Maybe he will hear you?

Good luck!
“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.”
- Tao Te Ching

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