Looking for guidance

[Autumn]

Hello, this is my first post in your forums. I joined because I'm looking for help in my relationship from the perspective of Tolle's teachings. This is my life situation:

I live with my man (I'm a woman) and work full-time. He currently has a job where he works 5 hours a week and brings in a bit of money. He uses that money to pay for his car insurance and pay off the small debts he currently has. I pay for everything else (food, gas, rent, household supplies, vacations, cable, internet, utilities, entertainment, etc.). You can probably already tell I can't seem to get past resisting how little he contributes monetarily. I feel very resentful. If I bring up him getting a better job so we can contribute more equally I think he feels attacked, or very resistant to the idea. So, conversations (and sometimes fights) about that never accomplish anything. Just writing this I feel so angry.

He spends his time currently learning graphic design because he wants to work for himself. The problem is this is one of many ideas he's had for working for himself. None have worked so far and I find it difficult to be supportive in his ventures.

We have a cycle where I'll be fine with it for a while, then we'll talk about it, nothing will be accomplished or changed, and I have no choice but to be fine with it again unless I want it to escalate to a breakup or something. I tell myself just to focus on me, and let him do what he wants. But this really bothers me and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I know Tolle says, "If you cannot surrender, take action immediately. Speak up or do something to bring about a change in the situation-or remove yourself from it." (TPON, softcover p. 213). I do not know what the appropriate action is. I do not want to leave him. He does provide so much for me in terms of companionship and it's not like I do all the housework or anything. He contributes in every way except for money. I don't know what action to take and I want out of this cycle.

I would really appreciate any insights or perspectives on my situation. Thank you!

[hanss]

A suggestion is to move and live separate from each other. Close, in the same neighbourhood. He have to take responsibility for his life and you for yours. Still have the romatic relationship but without these issues. He wants you and your company or your money? I would love to have a woman that supported me financially while I was doing fun stuff for my own development, anyone out there?

[nutrition]

I would say it would be fine to support someone financially if you are ok with it. The issue is, Autum is not ok with it. I have a hard time with it too and Hanss seems to have a hard time to with it. It is mostly our conditioning.
More than asking "is he with me only for the money?" I would ask "Am I with him because I do not want to be alone?" What does he provide for me I can't give myself?
Do I create an identity out of my relationship with him? Is there pain? What thoughts cause this pain?
Investigate them using The Work by BK and see what comes out.
Hanss suggestion to live in separate places might give you the space you need to look at your situation for what is, instead of looking at it and hoping it were different. You either accept him for what he is (you will not he able to change another human being even if you try all your life) or you leave the relationship.
blessing

[Autumn]

Thank you both for your replies.

Haans, asking him to move out...it's a good suggestion but for me it will probably only be a last resort. I don't have any doubts about how much he cares for me. He's very thoughtful and caring. However, it seem that he has guilt that I work and he doesn't and tries to compensate for that in pretty much every way except for getting a better job. However, I do appreciate all he does.

nutrition, your questions are helpful, I'm going to have to spend some time with them. I hadn't heard of The Works before, but Google helped me find it (http://thework.com/thework.php). I'll try it out!

I think there is a saying that if a person is too comfortable then there is no motivation to change/grow. I wonder if my unwillingness to really confront the issue head on, or 'put my foot down' is having that effect for him.

I truly understand that you cannot change a person, but would getting a better job actually be changing him? He did use to work full-time. I think he just had a horrible job and wants to avoid that again.


Re-reading what I've written...ugh, it just looks like a lot of rambling to me. I don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends or family about this though, so I haven't. I don't want them to think of him badly. They know the facts of the situation but I never complain about it to them. Anyway, again, I'm grateful for your replies and this space to vent some of my frustration.

[snowheight]

While you are in the process of sorting out this life situation, be aware of the opportunity presented by the arising of negative emotions to witness them and know that they are not what you are.

I'm not saying to not deal with what is perceived as a situation here, regardless of whether it is conditioning, a real material deficit in your situation or some other of a host of what can be real-life issues that can become worse if not confronted. I'm not saying not to act or not to plan on how to act.

What I am saying is that what Tolle points to about your true nature is independent of this situation, but the intensity of the situation is ... a test ... of a sorts.

The best indicator of your level of consciousness is how you deal with life's challenges when they come. Through those challenges, an already unconscious person tends to become more deeply unconscious, and a conscious person more intensely conscious. You can use challenge to awaken you, or you can allow it to pull you into even deeper sleep. The dream of ordinary unconsciousness then turns into a nightmare.

If you cannot be present even in normal circumstances, such as when you are sitting alone in a room, walking in the woods, or listening to someone, then you certainly won't be able to stay conscious when something "goes wrong" or you are faced with difficult people or situations, with loss or threat of loss. You will be taken over by a reaction, which ultimately is always some form of fear, and pulled into deep unconsciousness. Those challenges are your tests.

Eckart Tolle, The Power of Now, Chapter 4, paragraph 12

[nightowl]

You can probably already tell I can't seem to get past resisting how little he contributes monetarily. I feel very resentful.
...
this really bothers me and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Autumn...why does this bother you and why do you feel so resentful? What thoughts go through your head to make you come to this conclusion? Are you worried what other people will think?

If you could tell these thoughts to go f*ck themselves, would you be content with the situation?

[jimmyrich]

[quote="Autumn"]
So, conversations (and sometimes fights) about that never accomplish anything. Just writing this I feel so angry.
>> Your basic problem there is pretty much the same as most other couples: you do not know how to negotiate, talk things over and deal with your partner in an effective and productive way! The only way you both can have a good, happy and sensible relationship is for both of you to study a few relationship books and APPLY what you learn from those relationship teachers. Your communications are not good and neither of you know how to reach a satisfactory solution to any of your problems WITHOUT fighting or capitulating! It's all about good relationship skills and that takes study and work if your parents FAILED to teach you good relationship skills at home (most do not!) .

We have a cycle where I'll be fine with it for a while, then we'll talk about it, nothing will be accomplished or changed, and I have no choice but to be fine with it again unless I want it to escalate to a breakup or something.
>> That's all about bad relationship skills! Another thing for you to study is Codependency which is a problem in relationships where ppl take advantage of and USE each other in unhappy ways. You are being a DOORMAT for him and being USED but it doesn't have to be like this if you know what to do about it.

I know Tolle says, "If you cannot surrender, take action immediately. Speak up or do something to bring about a change in the situation-or remove yourself from it." (TPON, softcover p. 213). I do not know what the appropriate action is.
>> Relationship books will TEACH you what to do and how to do it.
good luck,
jim

[rideforever]

What do you need ? Is your current situation OK for you ? If so then ok. If not then what do you want ?

What does he need ? Is his current situation OK for him ? If so then ok. If not then what does he want ?

[Autumn]

@jimmyrich Wow...my original post was almost two years ago. I wish I could say that things are better by now, but it's pretty much the same except he recently left the job he had. This time lapse sort of puts things in perspective. Thank you for your advice. Can you suggest any specific relationship books? I'm going to try "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie.

[Nebula]

Just a thought- it's NOT a choice between a) stay together and put up with this or b) split up.
The third option is to empathically and kindly present your boundaries- e.g. if you are to live together, he has to contribute significantly (everyone must support themselves financially and make choices eg to live in luxury or basically within their means)
It seems you are enabling him to live rent free and spend this time doing what he wants.