Not that I am aware of.smiileyjen101 wrote: Does this have anything in common with the traffic situations and the 'how to behave' notions?
It's rooted in a fear of loss/inadequacy I would say. It seems like every time I truly care about something, or find something that is filled with magic, all of my good intentions of becoming closer with it end up unintentionally driving it further away. Miscommunication and being misinterpreted are areas I'm very well versed in, and it is truly amazing how certain improbable things can happen to prevent me from reaching something. Because of this I kind of stopped caring about a lot of things for a while. My mind cleared a lot, and I'd fill it with trivial things just to pass the time. But some things come along I can't ignore anymore, and I realize that they can bring me closer to the life I want to live. And the harder I try, the more I screw it up. It's like the notions of "almost there but not quite" and "just a little taste" are recurring themes. I have tried witnessing and accepting this, but it seems like no matter how at peace with it I am, it keeps happening eventually. I honestly wonder if certain people are meant for certain roles and experiences, and that I'd just do better to accept that things will not work out in certain areas.smiileyjen101 wrote: Describe 'obsessive' for me in this light, is it fear filled? awe filled? What is its energy?
I spend so much time in my head and filling it with trivial/mind-numbing things, that when something or someone comes along to awe me, I have a hard time going back to the mundane stuff, and I keep worrying that those moments will never happen again. If I blew my chance and ruined it. These are the things that deserve my focus, and I want to make them happen, hence the inability to stop thinking about it in favor of something else like reading a book. Like this girl. The last time I saw her, I wanted to tell her how I feel, but every thing I ended up saying/projecting to/around her could easily be seen by her as a sign of rejection or that I'm not interested. She could feel the same way, and I could be telling her "no". I could live with her just not feeling the same connection I do, but I can't handle if I actually pushed her away when what I feel is so REAL. I have this thing in me that keeps pushing away anything I care about or that cares about me. It's the only aspect of my existence I find to be solid, at this point. It may have to do with me feeling not worthy and not enough, but I don't know how I'd go about overcoming that. Telling myself "I am worthy" doesn't do much when I feel incapable of expressing myself.
This weekend I also experienced a ton of strange synchronicity, but once I started trying to explain the situations or understand them, they stopped happening. It's like it's dangling right in front of me just to tease me, and I don't really know what to make of it. Life feels like a big tease.
Blah... at least I know that this perspective is likely to change. I may just not be mature enough to handle certain things.