Let me explain:
Last summer I experienced some kind of awakening that caused a complete shift in my perspective. I feel it was analagous to the end of the matrix when Neo sees the underlying "code" in the matrix. Once I saw it, it was impossible to act as if I had not. These are some of the results of that shift (non of the following were forced or prescribed - they all came naturally as a result of my shift in perspective):
- + I stopped driving and started spending my days biking and walking around instead.
+ I was most content being in nature and was extremely happy just sitting and being next to a tree or staring at a flower.
+ My diet instantly changed, but I didn't even think about it. I just suddenly did not want certain foods. I spent most days eating just avocados, oranges, and beets. It was not forced at all.
+ Nothing was forced. I was riding life in the moment and yet it was the most synchronus time of my life. i.e. I would show up at the train station without checking times or schedules and the train would pull up 30 seconds later...
+ I was completely truthful and honest about everything all the time. From my perspective, it didn't make sense not to be.
+ I was overtaken by compassion - for everything. I could no longer see myself as separate from anything which made the world a completely different place.
+ All my actions and motives changed naturally. I no longer needed to become something because I already had and was everything that moment. This ended any striving, goal-setting, dwelling, fear, regrets, etc. The world was no longer something to figure out and/or conquer. It was enough just "to be".
People asked about my motives for my change in actions: "Will this make you happy?" "Who are you trying to help?" -but these things didn't make sense in my perspective because they came from an identiy of separation. They also didn't understand my answer of "It is not about me or other people, it is simply about being in harmony with everything." It was no longer about being happy, successful, or even helping "other" people. Self help books didn't make sense to me any more and books by Osho and Lao Tzu made sense on a deeper level than ever before.
Then after several months like this, a few things started to bring me out of this state:
- 1. During this time my compassion had taken over. At first I was ok with everything, but after a few months certain elements of disharmony in the world started to make me sad and angry. i.e. people abusing other people, animals, the environment. My compassion was starting to make me feel ill at ease in this world and it bothered me that everywhere I looked people were living in a dog-eat-dog manner.
2. After months of what others perceived as me "floating" around, people started getting concerned about me, especially my family. I was neglecting things (like making money and striving for personal success) which they saw as important. At first I didn't care or even notice this, but after I started to come down from my "awakened honeymoon", it became more and more evident, and helped bring me further out of my awakened honeymoon state.
Now I am feeling a bit lost in this world. These are the reasons why:
- - I can never go back to before I saw "the code". I have already seen it and I can't even comprehend not knowing it now. However, I feel lost at how to live my life now - mainly because of relationships to other people. One part of me feels content just sitting around staring at flowers all day while another part wants to help the world become more in harmony with itself and doesn't want to abandon family and friends.
- I feel hesitant with doing anything now. Almost every activity that is "normal" in todays society seems ego-based or separation-based with no real purpose to the whole.
- I don't like setting goals anymore, and it has been hard to function in society while not moving towards anything and not wanting to.
- I get caught up with the amount of disharmony in the world. I know instantly now when someone is lying to me or trying to manipulate me for personal gain. This has made me very sensitive to other people because most people act this way without even knowing it - its just a natural part of the mentality of someone that feels "separate". Many aspects of this world truly disgust me now and I find myself getting caught up in these things and not knowing where I fit in.
I am going through the motions (bare minimum) to maintain my relationships and place in this world, but honestly I feel lost on a daily basis now. I really don't feel like I know how to live here anymore. I kind of wish I could just disolve back into the whole ;p
I have been living this way for quite a while now. I haven't encountered anyone with experience that I could talk to about this. I am not sure why I didn't think to come online and post this sooner, but here I am now...
Can anyone offer me advice on how to live in the world after awakening to "the underlying code"?