I am afraid of Enlightenment

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I am afraid of Enlightenment

Postby tupa » Tue Aug 12, 2014 1:53 pm

Hello!
I was not sure should I have posted to Personal Experiences, so I hope this category is fine.

I feel like stuck in my current situation, so I hope some of you would be able to offer me some new insights to my situation. It may be a bit too long, but I wanted to share my story with some people.

My path to spirituality began, when I started seeing this wonderful man. I started to develop feelings for him very fast and also fantasies about how wonderful it would to be together and what our life would be then, and about how happy I would be etc. Well, in spite of mutual feelings, it turned out they were not enough for our relationship to work out. I realized something was wrong, and it was. If we talked about deep stuff and cuddled everything was great, but in the end, we did not have fun together. It's hard to explain, but sometimes we felt just awkward together. I knew I had to tell him it was not going to work out. I did that and it was one of the most painful thing I have ever done. I cried and howled from pain and I felt like dying. Despite that, I felt so much gratitude for him for our time together, and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a connection to love. And I felt like something had changed inside me, but I did not know what.

After that I came interested in meditation, because I wanted to sort out my feelings and become more balanced. Well, I started to become interested in spirituality and my consciousness grew along the way, while my ego shrunk (at least that is what I think.) I also quickly realized that I want to help people in some way. I started to become more decisive about my decision helping people and I knew I had to follow spiritual path if I wanted to become a person, who could help other people and to find my way of helping people. I have never wanted to become enlightened, just be satisfied with who I am and my outer circumstances and to help people.

I read Power of Now couple days ago and I felt it's message change something inside me. After I had read it I went to sleep, and I had this dream, where I was sleeping in my bed. In my dream I felt like something big was about to happen and I felt myself start to float. My mother came to see me and she was very surprised to find my floating in air. I realized I can actually fly and became very happy. I flew out of the house and urged my mother just to jump and fly. She did just that, I was happy to know she could fly too. We decided to fly to tell everybody they could fly too. After that, I woke up, I had this wonderful feeling of joy and peace. I had a feeling the dream was about freeing yourself from mind's power. But such feeling was also bit scary, and it passed away quickly. After that I have noticed feelings do not stick with me, they pass away very quickly and I don't feel anger or irritation almost no more. I have noticed also that nowadays I get most satisfaction with doings things for people or with them.

I have a feeling that in order to help people and become the person I am supposed to be, I need to reach the highest level of consciousness of what is possible for me. But I am scared. I am scared of losing things. I am scared of losing desires. I have always wanted to find a person I could share my life with and maybe have my own children. But if I would become enlightened, it would be hard to find a suitable partner. Because I feel like then I would have no likes or dislikes toward anyone anymore. I would love all the people just the same. Of course, I would enjoy some persons company more. But who would want to with person, whose happiness would not depend if they stayed or left? Could I find someone who would be accept that? And if I had children, would I be able to love them like a mother should? Would I feel any mother's love toward my children or just the same love I feel for everybody? Would that be even fine? I am scared of losing the desire of finding a life partner and children.

I feel like I will not able proceed until I let go of my attachment to these things, but it is very hard. I want to proceed but at the same time I don't want to. I know it is probably my mind making up worries and anxieties, because it does not want to let go of the power it has over me. I know it is useless to be afraid of future, but I cannot help it. If you have any insights or comments about this, then I would be very happy to hear your answers!
tupa
 
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Re: I am afraid of Enlightenment

Postby karmarider » Tue Aug 12, 2014 3:29 pm

Hi Tupa,

Thanks for your very open and interesting story. I appreciate and enjoyed the honesty in your self-observations.

tupa wrote:I have a feeling that in order to help people and become the person I am supposed to be, I need to reach the highest level of consciousness of what is possible for me. But I am scared. I am scared of losing things. I am scared of losing desires.

I am not "enlightened" and that word does not hold any meaning for me. However, I see the purpose of (my) life is to move from fear to love, from unconcsiousness to consciousness, I do this through self-observation and self-honesty. So I can't speak about enlightenment, but from my perspective I notice that preferences never go away. In fact, preferences and perspectives continue to expand, as a preference is satisfied and or perspective is out-grown, there are more and more to experience.

tupa wrote:I have always wanted to find a person I could share my life with and maybe have my own children. But if I would become enlightened, it would be hard to find a suitable partner.


This has not been true in my experience. In fact, because of the internet, it is easier now to connect with like-minded people. This forum is an example of that.

tupa wrote:Because I feel like then I would have no likes or dislikes toward anyone anymore. I would love all the people just the same. Of course, I would enjoy some persons company more.


We love everyone equally, as we are all one and we are each of us here doing the same thing, moving from fear to love. But it's still okay and in my view inevitable to resonate more with some people than others.

But who would want to with person, whose happiness would not depend if they stayed or left? Could I find someone who would be accept that?


Yeah, that's a little tricky.

And if I had children, would I be able to love them like a mother should? Would I feel any mother's love toward my children or just the same love I feel for everybody?


Of course you would love them like a mother. You might love everyone equally, but you are responsible for the growth and well-being of your children in particular.

tupa wrote:I know it is probably my mind making up worries and anxieties, because it does not want to let go of the power it has over me.


It is. and you are already aware of it. Sounds to me like you're on your way. With continued self-observation, clarity is inevitable. If you're looking for specific pointers, I found the work Conversations with God very helpful in considering the kind of questions you are right now.
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Re: I am afraid of Enlightenment

Postby DavidB » Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:43 pm

"Enlightenment" is a concept, a type of achetypal state of consciousness that is mistakenly believed to be achievable. It's best to forget about this sort of nonsense, as it serves only to confuse.

You are perfect as you are right now, and you will be perfect no matter what you choose to do. You cannot fail.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: I am afraid of Enlightenment

Postby tupa » Tue Aug 12, 2014 7:32 pm

Karmarider, thank you for your wise and reassuring words! It is wonderful to know there are people out there that understand what I am going through. I sure know my mother would become annoyed or nervous if I talked about stuff like this. I thought about my problem with finding a partner, and I think if I ever found a person who would want to be with me and I with him, I guess we would be happy together. And I would hold that person important to me, as it is not easy finding suitable partners. But if that person would decide that he did not want to be with me anymore, I would respect that decision and wish him every happiness. I guess my desire finding a partner (or at least people close to me like family) would not diminish completely, because I believe a life is meant to be shared with other people.

Funny you mentioned Conservation with God, because my friend recommended that book to me as well. I have to read it when I have a change.

DavidB, yes I have been confused about Enlightenment. Even the word sounds so grand, something only white-bearded, starving gurus would be able to achieve. I guess for me it means to be free of mind's power and to be able to do what I really want.
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Re: I am afraid of Enlightenment

Postby DavidB » Sat Feb 07, 2015 3:07 am

DavidB, yes I have been confused about Enlightenment. Even the word sounds so grand, something only white-bearded, starving gurus would be able to achieve. I guess for me it means to be free of mind's power and to be able to do what I really want.


There is no such thing as enlightenment. Enlightenment is a word that is used to describe transcendence. But transcending from what exactly? Transcending from the addiction to the human mind.

We cannot transcend from ourselves though of course, that would be impossible and completely absurd. And eliminating the mind is also impossible and undesirable, as the mind is a tool we have evolved to help us more easily navigate through 3D space and time. Like a hand makes it easier to grasp objects, the mind helps to make it easier to grasp ideas. The mind is in a sense, hyper-dimensional, as the mind will manifest form into consciousness that does not exist in the external world, as thoughts, memories, visualizations and conceptualizations. A hand however can only grasp 3 dimensional objects and only in the present moment, which is why focusing on the body can lead the mind back into present state awareness, where the mind then can become still and silent. The body is always in the now and cannot ever be not in the now, while the mind however, can be all over the place.

This hyper-dimensional nature of the mind is in a sense 4 or 5 dimensional, in that the mind is not bound by space or time, that is to say, in the mind there is past, present and future, as well as non locality. The mind itself has no way of knowing or differentiating between real present situations and imaginary situations, for the mind all are equally valid. The mind includes both thoughts and emotions.

So what we are doing when we become enlightened, so to speak, or when we transcend the addiction to mind, we are attempting to bring back into balance the disconnect between the mind and present state consciousness.

Consciousness is that which encompasses everything, all the dimensions, all of space and all of time. Without consciousness nothing is able to exist. Exist literally means to stand out, so something that exists is something that is standing out in consciousness, or in other words, has become form. Form is something that has dimension, either 2,3,4,5 or more dimensions.

Being ourselves at our essence consciousness, we have no form. We cannot say what we are, as at our essence, we are no thing that can be described, as that description would be a hyper-dimensional thought form in mind, and therefore not consciousness at its essence.

Bringing the mind into present state awareness (being in the now) creates a situation where whatever is in the mind is only whatever is manifesting presently, in this way the mind has nothing to think about, as the focus of our attention is present state awareness (being in the now) not whatever we might usually be thinking about. Being in the now is being aware of whatever happens to be happening in our current life situation. Which isn't usually really all that much, as the mind isn't really able to focus on more than one thing at a time. So being present means, doing one thing at a time and only one thing at a time. In this way the mind can help bring us back to presence, help us be in the now. Our purpose, or our meaning in life, is to consciously do whatever we happen to be doing now.

And this is enlightenment, to do whatever you happen to be doing right now, consciously. Simple, nothing to fear.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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