A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Webwanderer
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Sep 21, 2018 4:53 pm

aquarius123esoteric wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 3:22 pm
P.S. For Non-Americans: Jeffrey Marshall Foxworthy, born September 6, 1958, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television and radio personality, author and voice artist.
And he's a lot funnier than these quotes suggest. A lot of his 'down home' humor is in the delivery. Highly recommend watching on video.

WW

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Sep 21, 2018 9:47 pm

Thank you, dear Webwanderer, for the tip. How right you are. I have just had a look at Jeffrey Foxworthy and please take a look at him for yourself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbXkP_GZjsE

With love - Aquarius
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:28 pm

How About A Spot Of Scrabble?

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 04, 2018 2:59 pm

Why?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet Coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

We know that an indestructible black box is used on aeroplanes. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are places called apartments when they are all stuck together?

And if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why airports called terminals?

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Oct 05, 2018 11:12 pm

And while we're at it, why do we park on a driveway, and drive on parkway?
And why is live spelled backwards 'evil'?
And why does changing the position of one letter in Santa, (move the 'n' to the end) spell Satan?
And why are Santa's boots (his base) and his belt (his center) both black?
Why does he wear all red..... trimmed in white?
Why is he comfortable and unharmed dropping into a fireplace?

Just curious...

WW

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:00 pm

Good questions! I am going to add them to my collection.

Thank you.

With love - Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2740
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sun Oct 07, 2018 3:42 pm

A Mother’s Advice For Her Growing-Up Daughter

· Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he is in nappies.

· What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? Shut the door.

· If it’s possible to put a man on the Moon, why should they not put all of them there?

· Never let your man’s mind wander. It’s too small to be out alone.

· Go for younger men; they never mature anyway.

· Men are all the same. They just have different faces so one can tell them apart.

· The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity for making some woman miserable.

· There is no need for women to make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

· The best way of getting a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

· Love is blind and marriage is they eye-opener.

· If you want committed men, go to a mental hospital.

· The children of Israel wandered around the desert for forty years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

· Remember that a sense of humour does not mean you are to tell him jokes, but that you are expected to laugh about his.

· Sadly, all men are created equal.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2740
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Mon Oct 08, 2018 1:53 pm

A Man Of The Old School

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is no option for me. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other: ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but with the computers and everything these days, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ Then we go and drink a couple of beers together, our kind of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, that’s why for you this problem doesn’t exist.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But I cannot be expected to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu.’ For all I know they are one and the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I insist on taking it apart, even though I know that it will cost me twice as much when a repair person gets here and puts everything together again.

Because I’m a man, I have to hold the television remote control in my hand while watching TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it. On one occasion I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (this applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so it’s better not to ask in the first place.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother or have her coming to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you get for your mother on Mother’s Day is okay. I don’t need to see it, but don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked a film. The chances are that if you were crying at the end of it, I did not. But if you are feeling amorous afterwards, I certainly remember at least the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man and this is the year 2010, I equally share the housework with you. Just do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming and the dishes. I’ll see to the rest, for example wandering around our garden with a beer in my hand and wondering what to do.

Because I’m a man of the old school, I can’t help myself. And if you don’t do any of those things, I am sorry to have to tell you that in my view you are not really worthy of being called a man.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2740
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
Contact:

Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:31 pm

Fire Fighting

A fire is raging at a chemical plant in northern Wisconsin. Since the location is so rural, the local town fire department begins to call for back up from the surrounding area. Hundreds of volunteers show up alongside fire departments from neighbouring towns and counties, as well as the rural and forest fire departments. As they are dousing the fire as best they can, it breaks into the storerooms of the company’s volatile chemicals and roars out of control.

The owner, looking on in desperation, declares that any fire department that can go in and save his family’s formulas in the middle of the plant, will be given half a million dollars as a reward. The fire-fighters, already weary from struggling with the blaze, begin with renewed vigour, but to no avail, the fire responds by making one side of the plant collapse.

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, appears an old fire engine from the 1940’s. Its bell is ringing wildly out of control and the truck’s driver does not seem to cope much better with navigating the road. The truck is loaded with a crew of retired volunteers from a small town up the road. All have a stone hard determination etched on their faces, as the driver ploughs onward to his destination and smashes the truck through a barricade and from there and through a wall, which sends the truck into the middle of the inferno.

The owner of the plant watches in awe as the veteran fire-fighters jump out of their truck, get into their suits and begin fighting the fire from inside the plant. The rest of the fire-fighters outside, inspired by the bravery of these haughty old veterans, begin to fight the fire with a renewed vigour. They don’t want the money any longer, but wish to do their best to help the heroes inside.

After some hours the fire is finally contained and begins to die down. As the retired veterans stumble out of the wreckage of the plant, the excited owner of the plant comes running up to them with all the remaining fire-fighters behind him. They all want to meet these brave men. The owner gives a check to the most grizzled of them who comes hobbling out of the plant first. ‘That was the most courageous things I’ve ever seen! You’ve saved my families legacy. I cannot thank you enough, so please take this!’ He hands the cheque over and the recipient, still somewhat dazed from his ordeal, nods and starts to walk away with the rest of his men. As everybody is watching them walk off into the distance, the owner calls after them: ‘What will you do with the money?’

The leader of the veterans, with a hard look of determination in his eyes replies: ‘Well, first thing we’re going to do is get those bloomin’ brakes fixed on the truck!’

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2740
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Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:33 pm

Medical Advice With A Difference

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain – good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO-HOO, what a ride!’

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink much beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like.
It seems like it’s speaking English that kills you.

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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