A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Webwanderer
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Sep 21, 2018 4:53 pm

aquarius123esoteric wrote:
Thu Sep 20, 2018 3:22 pm
P.S. For Non-Americans: Jeffrey Marshall Foxworthy, born September 6, 1958, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television and radio personality, author and voice artist.
And he's a lot funnier than these quotes suggest. A lot of his 'down home' humor is in the delivery. Highly recommend watching on video.

WW

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Sep 21, 2018 9:47 pm

Thank you, dear Webwanderer, for the tip. How right you are. I have just had a look at Jeffrey Foxworthy and please take a look at him for yourself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbXkP_GZjsE

With love - Aquarius
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:28 pm

How About A Spot Of Scrabble?

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 04, 2018 2:59 pm

Why?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet Coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

We know that an indestructible black box is used on aeroplanes. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are places called apartments when they are all stuck together?

And if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why airports called terminals?

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Oct 05, 2018 11:12 pm

And while we're at it, why do we park on a driveway, and drive on parkway?
And why is live spelled backwards 'evil'?
And why does changing the position of one letter in Santa, (move the 'n' to the end) spell Satan?
And why are Santa's boots (his base) and his belt (his center) both black?
Why does he wear all red..... trimmed in white?
Why is he comfortable and unharmed dropping into a fireplace?

Just curious...

WW

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 06, 2018 3:00 pm

Good questions! I am going to add them to my collection.

Thank you.

With love - Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sun Oct 07, 2018 3:42 pm

A Mother’s Advice For Her Growing-Up Daughter

· Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he is in nappies.

· What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? Shut the door.

· If it’s possible to put a man on the Moon, why should they not put all of them there?

· Never let your man’s mind wander. It’s too small to be out alone.

· Go for younger men; they never mature anyway.

· Men are all the same. They just have different faces so one can tell them apart.

· The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity for making some woman miserable.

· There is no need for women to make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

· The best way of getting a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

· Love is blind and marriage is they eye-opener.

· If you want committed men, go to a mental hospital.

· The children of Israel wandered around the desert for forty years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

· Remember that a sense of humour does not mean you are to tell him jokes, but that you are expected to laugh about his.

· Sadly, all men are created equal.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2868
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Mon Oct 08, 2018 1:53 pm

A Man Of The Old School

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is no option for me. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other: ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but with the computers and everything these days, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ Then we go and drink a couple of beers together, our kind of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, that’s why for you this problem doesn’t exist.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But I cannot be expected to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu.’ For all I know they are one and the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I insist on taking it apart, even though I know that it will cost me twice as much when a repair person gets here and puts everything together again.

Because I’m a man, I have to hold the television remote control in my hand while watching TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it. On one occasion I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (this applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so it’s better not to ask in the first place.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother or have her coming to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you get for your mother on Mother’s Day is okay. I don’t need to see it, but don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked a film. The chances are that if you were crying at the end of it, I did not. But if you are feeling amorous afterwards, I certainly remember at least the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man and this is the year 2010, I equally share the housework with you. Just do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming and the dishes. I’ll see to the rest, for example wandering around our garden with a beer in my hand and wondering what to do.

Because I’m a man of the old school, I can’t help myself. And if you don’t do any of those things, I am sorry to have to tell you that in my view you are not really worthy of being called a man.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:31 pm

Fire Fighting

A fire is raging at a chemical plant in northern Wisconsin. Since the location is so rural, the local town fire department begins to call for back up from the surrounding area. Hundreds of volunteers show up alongside fire departments from neighbouring towns and counties, as well as the rural and forest fire departments. As they are dousing the fire as best they can, it breaks into the storerooms of the company’s volatile chemicals and roars out of control.

The owner, looking on in desperation, declares that any fire department that can go in and save his family’s formulas in the middle of the plant, will be given half a million dollars as a reward. The fire-fighters, already weary from struggling with the blaze, begin with renewed vigour, but to no avail, the fire responds by making one side of the plant collapse.

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, appears an old fire engine from the 1940’s. Its bell is ringing wildly out of control and the truck’s driver does not seem to cope much better with navigating the road. The truck is loaded with a crew of retired volunteers from a small town up the road. All have a stone hard determination etched on their faces, as the driver ploughs onward to his destination and smashes the truck through a barricade and from there and through a wall, which sends the truck into the middle of the inferno.

The owner of the plant watches in awe as the veteran fire-fighters jump out of their truck, get into their suits and begin fighting the fire from inside the plant. The rest of the fire-fighters outside, inspired by the bravery of these haughty old veterans, begin to fight the fire with a renewed vigour. They don’t want the money any longer, but wish to do their best to help the heroes inside.

After some hours the fire is finally contained and begins to die down. As the retired veterans stumble out of the wreckage of the plant, the excited owner of the plant comes running up to them with all the remaining fire-fighters behind him. They all want to meet these brave men. The owner gives a check to the most grizzled of them who comes hobbling out of the plant first. ‘That was the most courageous things I’ve ever seen! You’ve saved my families legacy. I cannot thank you enough, so please take this!’ He hands the cheque over and the recipient, still somewhat dazed from his ordeal, nods and starts to walk away with the rest of his men. As everybody is watching them walk off into the distance, the owner calls after them: ‘What will you do with the money?’

The leader of the veterans, with a hard look of determination in his eyes replies: ‘Well, first thing we’re going to do is get those bloomin’ brakes fixed on the truck!’

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:33 pm

Medical Advice With A Difference

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain – good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO-HOO, what a ride!’

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink much beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like.
It seems like it’s speaking English that kills you.

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Mon Oct 22, 2018 3:48 pm

Richard Lederer Reflects

Some time ago, I illuminated old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included don’t touch that dial, carbon copy, you sound like a broken record and hung out to dry. Many readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We’d cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers’ lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when was the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

Like Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut’s Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, ‘I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!’ or ‘This is a fine kettle of fish!’, we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed as omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues, pens and keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth. We left them behind. We blink and they’re gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder’s monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defence. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I’ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had pills. It can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart’s deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have archaic and eat it too.

Richard Lederer is an American author, speaker, and teacher. He is best known for his books on the English language and on word play such as puns, oxymorons and anagrams. He refers to himself as ‘the Wizard of Idiom,’ ‘Attila the Pun,’ and ‘Conan the Grammarian.’ His weekly column ‘Looking at Language’, is syndicated in newspapers and magazines throughout the United States.

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Tue Oct 23, 2018 4:55 pm

This is not particularly funny, but I thought you might enjoy it:

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Another Time, Another Place

Please follow the link below:

‘Lost In The Fifties’
http://safeshare.tv/w/FEDEwZHZXu

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2868
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
Contact:

Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 27, 2018 2:21 pm

A Woman Speaks Out

He didn’t like my casseroles
And he didn’t like my cake.
Claimed my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t perk the coffee right
And he didn’t like my stew.
I didn’t mend his socks
Like his mother used to do.

Looking for an answer
I didn’t get a clue,
So I gave him a good beating
Just like his mother used to do.

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2868
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Nov 03, 2018 3:56 pm

A Tap On The Shoulder

A passenger in the backseat of a taxi wanted to ask his driver a question. Leaning forward, he tapped the man behind the wheel on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over a curb and stopped only inches away from a large plate glass window.

For a moment there was silence in the cab, but then the still shaking driver gathered his wits and said: ‘I’m very sorry about this, but you scared the living daylights out of me.’

The frightened passenger apologised profusely and said he had not realised that a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten anyone so much. ‘Ah,’ replied the driver, ‘it’s me who needs to apologise. The whole thing is entirely my fault. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last twenty-five years. Today is my first day as a taxi driver.’

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2868
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sun Nov 04, 2018 4:33 pm

The Revolutionary Song

I could have done it yesterday, if I hadn’t had a cold,
But since I’ve put this pint away, I’ve never felt so bold.
So, as soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, the revolution starts.

I’ll shoot the aristocracy and confiscate their brass,
Create a fine democracy that’s truly working class.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, I’ll raise the banner high.

I’ll fight the nasty racialists and scrap the colour bar,
And all fascist dictatorships and every commissar.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes, I’ll man the barricades.

So raise your glasses, everyone, for everything is planned,
And each and every mother’s son will see the Promised Land.
As soon as this pub closes, as soon as this pub closes,
As soon as this pub closes . . .
I think I’m going to be sick.

Alex Glasgow

‘The Revolutionary Song’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B96qKs4- ... re=related

Enjoy!

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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