A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Dec 09, 2016 3:01 pm

Hillbilly Life

Deep in the backwoods of Kentucky a hillbilly’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night. The doctor was called out. Since the house had no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said: ‘Hold this high, so I can see what I am doing!’

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world, so the man lowered the lantern. ‘Whoa there’, said the doctor. ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.’

Sure enough, within minutes a baby girl emerged. ‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one yet!’ said the doctor. Lo and behold, within a few minutes he had delivered it.

‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, looks like there’s one more coming!’ cried the doctor.

Scratching his head in bewilderment, the hillbilly said: ‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Dec 17, 2016 3:55 pm

From The Mouth Of Babes

If this sets you wondering what that might mean, read on to discover what joy children can unintentionally bring. The quotes that now follow are original ones. They are filled with the innocence of childhood that we adults have long left behind.

Jack, age 3, sat watching his mother breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he ventured forth: ‘Mum, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

Steven, age 3, hugging and kissing his mother goodnight: ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

A friend’s four year old grandchild came to my house to meet my cat, a whopper who weighs 14 pounds – 1 stone for those across the pond. He is a Himalayan with tabby markings, huge and soft and kind. The child went over to him and looked him all over. When I asked her what she was looking for, she replied: ‘How do you take the air out?’ Her mother had deflated her floaties because she did not want them around when no one was in the pool.

Brittany, age 4, had earache and needed a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mother explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

Susan, age 4, was drinking juice when she got hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said: ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

Dennis, age 4, stepped onto the bathroom scales and wanted to know: ‘How much do I cost?’

Marc, age 4, was engrossed in a young couple hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering into her mouth?’

Clinton, age 5, was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mother asked what was troubling him, he replied: ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?’

James, age 4, was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

Tammy, age 4, was with her mother when they met an elderly rather wrinkled woman her mother knew. Tammy looked at the lady for a while and then asked: ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

One Sunday morning my daughter and I went to church and took part in a service I shall never forget. Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are but dust.’ He would have continued but at that moment my very intently listening daughter leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, ‘Mummy, what is butt dust?

Every day without a good laugh – or at least a chuckle – in my view is a wasted one.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Sat Dec 17, 2016 5:53 pm

aquarius123esoteric wrote:Every day without a good laugh – or at least a chuckle – in my view is a wasted one.

I can't agree that any day is wasted in the larger scheme of things, but I do find that enjoyment is where we go when we truly learn the lessons of our pain.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Dec 17, 2016 6:27 pm

Dear WW. It was only meant in a manner of speaking. A wasted day to me is one that doesn't contain at least a touch of humour.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jan 07, 2017 3:37 pm

Church Bulletins

The following announcements really appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services of our world:

The Fasting And Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 pm – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Sun Jan 08, 2017 7:39 am

The church bulletins were exceptional. Spit coffee all over my keyboard. :lol:

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Jan 08, 2017 3:12 pm

Glad to hear you enjoyed them so much and thank you for letting me know.

With love - Aquarius
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jan 17, 2017 4:32 pm

Grandmothers Don’t Know Everything

Nine year old Tony was staying with his grandmother for a little while. One day, when he had been playing outside with the neighbour’s children, he came into the house and asked: ‘Grandma, what’s it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’

Naturally, Grandma was a little taken aback, but as a modern woman she decided to tell him the truth and said: ‘It’s called sexual intercourse.’

Thinking about this for a moment, the boy replied: ‘Oh, ok.’ With that he returned to his playmates. After a few minutes, he came running back into the house somewhat excited. ‘It isn’t called sexual intercourse,’ he said. ‘It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mother wants a word with you.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jan 17, 2017 4:34 pm

Grandmothers Don’t Know Everything

Nine year old Tony was staying with his grandmother for a little while. One day, when he had been playing outside with the neighbour’s children, he came into the house and asked: ‘Grandma, what’s it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’

Naturally, Grandma was a little taken aback, but as a modern woman she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse.’

Thinking about this for a moment, the boy replied: ‘Oh, ok.’ With that he returned to his playmates. After a few minutes, he came running back into the house somewhat excited. ‘It isn’t called sexual intercourse,’ he said. ‘It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mother wants a word with you.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Jan 19, 2017 3:42 pm

The Will

A man is on his deathbed and knows that his end is near. A nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He requests that two witnesses should be found and a camcorder installed to record his last will and wishes. When everything is ready, he begins to speak:

‘To my son Bernie I leave the Mayfair houses.

‘To my daughter Sybil I leave the apartments in the East End.’

‘To my son Jamie I leave the offices in the City Centre.’

‘To my dear wife Sarah I leave all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.’

The nurse and witnesses are amazed because they had not realised that they had been attending to such a wealthy man. When he has passed into the world of light, the nurse turns to the wife and says: ‘I had no idea your husband had been such a hard-working man to have accumulated so much property.’

The wife replies: ‘All he had was a paper round.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:09 pm

Diet For Stressed People

The following is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Penguins from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine, red or white
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake, if need be eaten directly from the freezer.

REMEMBER:
‘Stressed’ spelled backwards is desserts.

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jan 24, 2017 5:25 pm

The Tale Of The Goat

Two rednecks are out hunting. Walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. Amazed by the size of it, the first hunter says: ‘What a hole! I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.’

The second hunter replies: ‘Let’s throw something into it and listen how long it takes to hit the bottom.’

‘Good idea,’ says the first hunter. Can you see that old truck transmission over there? Give us a hand and we’ll throw it to the hole.’

So the two men pick it up and carry it to the hole. Counting one, two and three, they heave it in. As they stand looking over the edge and listening to what’s going on below, they hear something rustling behind them. Upon turning round, a goat comes crashing through the brush, runs up to the hole and jumps into it.

Stunned, the hunters look at each other and then into the hole. Whilst trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up to them. ‘Say there’, he says. ’You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here, did you?’

One of the hunters replies: ‘Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a moment ago when a goat came running at about a hundred miles an hour and jumped into this hole.’

The old farmer says: ‘That couldn’t have been my goat ‘cos I chained it to a big old transmission.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jan 28, 2017 4:01 pm

Love And Marriage Of Our Time

A young woman submitted the message below about her relationship to her husband to the technical support department of her computer supplier. She received the following reply:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable ones like: AFL 5.0, NRL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What do you suggest I should do?

Yours desperately.


The response:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 because it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

The best of luck!
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Sat Jan 28, 2017 7:11 pm

Thanks for that computer update Aquarius. Made my morning. :lol:

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:34 pm

Glad to hear it! Hope you enjoy today's as much.
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