A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 13, 2016 3:49 pm

An Unusual Pet

A lonely man decided life would be more fun if he had an animal for company. He went to a pet store and told the owner that he was looking for something unusual. The storekeeper sold him a talking centipede in a small white box. Happily, the man took it home and found a good spot for it.

The next day was a Sunday and he decided to take his new pet to church with him. Bending over the box, he asked the centipede if it would like to go to church with him. There was no reply. This bothered the man a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked: ‘How about going to church with me to be blessed?’ Again there was no answer. The man waited a few more minutes and after having thought carefully about the situation, he went close up to the centipede’s house, put his face against it and shouted: ‘Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?’

A little voice replied: ‘I heard you the first time! I’m just putting my clogs on.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 20, 2016 3:24 pm

Hospital Life

One day, a lady phoned her local hospital and the following conversation ensued:

‘Hello I’d like some information on one of your patients, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains. I would like to find out whether her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘Do you know which ward she is in?’

‘Ward P, Room 2B’

‘I’ll put you through to the nurse’s station.’

‘Ward P here. How can I help?’

‘I’d like some information on your patient, Mrs Tiptree. All I want to know is whether her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’

‘Please hold the line, while I check her notes . . . I’m glad to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’

‘Oh that’s wonderful news! I’m so happy. Thank you ever so much!’

‘You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or a relative?’

‘No, I am Mrs Tiptree in Room 2b. Nobody tells you anything in this place.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Oct 24, 2016 3:26 pm

‘Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.’ Anon.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:15 pm

Giving And Receivingg

Two neighbours, Hymie and Manny, are on their way home from the Synagogue after listening to a particularly good sermon on ‘Giving is better by far than receiving’.

For a while they are walking along, each deeply lost in thought. Suddenly Hymie turns to Manny and says: ‘If I had two million pounds, I would give you one million.’

Manny thanks him and asks: ‘Hymie, if you had two mansions, would you give one to me?’

‘Yes Manny, I would give one to you, my friend,’ Hymie replies.

‘And,’ continues Manny, ‘if you had two Rolls Royces, would you give me one?’

‘Of course I would, Manny,’ Hymie cries.

‘And if you had two yachts?’ enquires Manny, ’would you give one to me?’

‘Yes, indeed I would,’ says Hymie.

‘So, if you had two chickens, would you give me one?’ asks Manny.

Hymie replies: ‘Oh shut up, Manny. You know very well I’ve got two chickens!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Nov 04, 2016 3:47 pm

The Tale Of The Wily Painter

A painter, who was interested in making an extra penny here and there, often thinned down his paint to make it go further. He had got away with this for quite some time, but then his local Baptist Church decided to do a restoration job on of its biggest buildings.

The painter submitted a bid and because his price was lower than that of all other tenders, he got the job. He made all the necessary preparations, erected the scaffolding and then bought the paint and yes, he thinned it down with turpentine.

One day, when the job was almost completed, our painter man was working away high up on the scaffolding, when suddenly he heard a mighty clap of thunder. The skies opened and when the rain came pouring down, it washed away the paint from all over the church and the poor fellow was knocked off the scaffolding. He landed on the lawn among the gravestones of the cemetery surrounding the church and to this horror noticed telltale puddles of his inferior paint all around him.

Well, our man was no fool. Realising that all this was a message from the Almighty, he got down on his knees and cried: ‘O God, O God, forgive me. What should I do?’

Through the next roll of thunder a mighty voice spoke to him: ‘Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Nov 07, 2016 4:45 pm

Exercise For The Over Fifties

• Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

• With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and then relax. You will find that with each passing day you can hold this position a bit longer.

• After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

• Then try 50-lb potato sacks.

• Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I can already do this!)

• Once you feel happy and confident with this level, put a potato in each sack.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Nov 08, 2016 6:54 pm

How To Build A Campfire

By A Scoutmaster

1. Split dead limbs into fragments and shave one fragment into splinters.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers, including those embedded in hand.

6. Light match.

7. Light match.

8. Repeat ‘a scout is cheerful’ several times and light match again.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering fire has gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood from can labelled ‘kerosene’.

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Re-label can to read ‘gasoline’.

15. When fire is burning well, add remaining firewood.

16. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Nov 09, 2016 3:26 pm

Simple Arithmetic

The head of a psychiatric institution interviews three men with a view to the possible termination of their spells under his care. He decides to try them with simple arithmetic, so asks the first man to tell him what two and two equal. ‘Eleven,’ the fellow replies.

The head moves on to the second man and asks him the same question. ‘Blue,’ comes the prompt response.

Going to the third man, the chief poses the same question. ‘Four,’ says the chap.

The chief beams. ‘Excellent. You’re the only one to get the right answer.’

‘It’s simple enough,’ says the successful man. ‘Two plus two equal eleven, divide that by blue and you get four.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Nov 10, 2016 3:56 pm

Why Having Babies Is Unadvisable For The Elderly

With the help of new developments in the field of prolonged fertility, a sixty-five year-old friend of mine was able to conceive and give birth. When she was back home from the hospital, I went to see her. ‘May I see the baby?’ I asked.

‘Not yet,’ she said. ‘Tell you what I’ll do. First I’ll make us a nice cup of tea, so we can sit and chat for a while.’

After about half an hour, having finished our drink, I repeated my request: ‘May I see the baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ came the reply.

A few more minutes went by, so I ventured forth once more: ‘How about seeing the baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ my friend repeated.

Running short of patience, I blurted out: ‘Well, when can I see it?’

‘When he cries!’ she answered.

‘Why do I have to wait until then?’, I queried.

‘Because I forgot where I put him.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Nov 11, 2016 3:18 pm

Incident At The Wailing Wall

A lady journalist heard about an old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall for a great many years to pray there twice every day. Intrigued by this, she decided to visit the wall and see whether she could meet the man and interview him. Just as she arrived, she found him walking up to the holy site.

For about three quarters of an hour the lady stood and watched the man sunk deep in his prayers. When he turned to leave, she noticed that he was using a cane and moving very slowly. Approaching him, she introduced herself: ‘Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What is your name?’

‘Morris Fishbein,’ the man replied.

‘How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?’

‘For about sixty years.’

‘That’s amazing! What do you pray for?’

’I pray for peace between Jews, Christians and Muslims. I pray for all wars and hatred of our world to stop. I pray for all children to grow up safely into responsible adults who love and respect the whole of humankind, independent of race, colour and creed.’

’How do you feel after doing this for sixty years?’

‘Like I’m talking to . . . a wall.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Nov 13, 2016 4:42 pm

The Wrong Side Of The Bed

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers. When she passed two novices just leaving early prayers, she called out: ‘Good morning, ladies.’

The novices replied: ‘Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.’ After they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other: ‘I think she’s got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.’ This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with a cheerful: ‘Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.’

‘Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you.’

Again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard: ‘She got out of the wrong side of bed today.’ Baffled, she started to wonder whether she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant in future.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching with her walking frame. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to put on a pleasant smile before greeting the sister with: ‘Good morning, Sister Mary. I’m so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today and grants you a wonderful day.’

‘Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.’

Mother Superior was floored. ‘Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.’

Sister Mary stopped and looked Mother Superior in the face. ‘Oh, don’t take it personal, Mother Superior. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:42 pm

Tortoise In Distress

A tortoise was walking down an alley when it was mugged by a gang of snails. A police officer came to investigate and asked the victim if it could explain what had occurred. With a confused expression on its face the tortoise replied: ‘I don’t know. It all happened so fast.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Nov 15, 2016 4:44 pm

Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder. Their replies may surprise you.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It’s always darkest before . . . daylight saving time.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water . . . How?
Don’t bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new . . . math.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll . . . stink in the morning.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke there’s . . . pollution.
Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
Two’s company, three’s . . . the Musketeers.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed, . . . get new batteries.
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.
When the blind leads the blind, . . . get out of the way.


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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:42 pm

Parrot On Guard

A burglar breaks in to a house after learning the occupants are on holiday. Whilst looting the living room he hears a squeaky voice say: ‘Jesus is watching you.’ At first he is startled but puts it down to his imagination. Five minutes later he hears the exact same thing. He is about to flee when he spots a parrot in the corner of the room. Again the parrot says: ‘Jesus is watching you.’ The burglar is amused and decides to talk to the parrot.

‘What’s your name?’ he asks.

‘Abraham,’ replies the parrot.

‘Abraham? What a strange name for a parrot!’

‘I know, but not as odd as a Rottweiler called Jesus.’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Nov 26, 2016 6:27 pm

A Man Of The Cloth

An Alabama preacher said to his flock: ‘Someone in this congregation is spreading the rumour that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This is a contemptible lie that cannot be tolerated by a Christian. I do not intend to accept it and want the person who told this tale to get up from their seat and ask forgiveness from God and this gathering.’

When no-one moved, the preacher continued: ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit to spreading a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will be feeling glorious, so stand and confess your transgression.’

Again, all was quiet for a moment, but then a beautiful blonde rose from the third row of pews. With bowed head and quivering voice she said: ‘Reverend, there is a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told some of my friends that you are a wizard under the sheets.’

The preacher man fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared with laughter.

* * *
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