A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:56 pm

On The Death Of A Good Friend

Dear Friends,

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in a mass of bureaucratic red tape. However, he will be remembered for a very long time for once having taught our world some extremely valuable lessons. Among them were:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain.
Why it is that the early bird gets the worm.
That only on the surface of things life isn’t always fair.
Sometimes thinking: ‘Maybe it was all my fault, after all!’

Common Sense lived by simple and sound financial policies, like don’t spend more than you earn, and had reliable strategies, like adults and not children are in charge.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations appeared, for example:

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate. Teenagers were suspended from school for using a mouthwash after lunch.

A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. He lost some more of his ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves had failed to do by disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, yet could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and asked for an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live when churches turned into businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

He took another beating when he heard that you couldn’t defend yourself against a burglar in your own home and if you defended yourself, burglars could sue you for assault.

He finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot and when she spilt a bit of it in her lap, she was awarded a huge compensation settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by:
His parents: Truth and Trust
His wife: Discretion
His daughter: Responsibility
His son: Reason

He is survived by his four stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m a Victim

Not many attended Common Sense’s funeral because very few realised that he had gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Sep 09, 2015 1:39 pm

The British Penny

European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the expression:

‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 May 2015.

From this date onward the correct term will be: ‘Euronating’.

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Sep 10, 2015 2:31 pm

Reflections

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!

When old age is creeping up on us, the biggest lie we can tell ourselves is: ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.’

I don’t have grey hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights’. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant and that means that chocolate is salad. Just think! If you eat chocolate covered dates, you are having fruit and veg at the same time. What could be more healthy?!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:31 pm

The Tale Of The Wily Painter

A painter who was interested in making an extra penny here and there, often thinned down his paint to make it go further. He got away with this for quite some time, until his local church decided to do a restoration job on one of its biggest buildings.

Our painter put in a bid and because his price was lower than that of all other tenders, he got the job. After he had made all the necessary preparations like erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, he went to buy the paint. And yes, you guessed it, he thinned it down with turpentine.

One day, when the job was almost completed, our man was up on the scaffolding, when a mighty clap of thunder shook seemed to shake Heaven and Earth. The skies opened, the rain came pouring down and washed the paint from all over the church and the poor fellow was knocked off his scaffolding. He landed on the lawn among the gravestones of the surrounding cemetery and to his horror saw telltale puddles of his inferior paint all around him.

Well, our man was no fool. Being of a religious inclination, he realised that the event just had to be a message from the Almighty. So he got down on his knees and cried: ‘O God, O dear God, forgive me. What should I do?’

Through the next roll of thunder a mighty voice spoke to him: ‘Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Sep 20, 2015 1:50 pm

Today I have something for you that isn’t funny.
But I hope that you will find it enjoyable:

The Magic Flower Garden

Click on the link below for your

‘Entry Into The Magic Flower Garden’
http://www.procreo.jp/labo/flower_garden.swf

At first you get a black page.
Click your mouse anywhere on it,
then click and drag the cursor all over it,
so the magic can unfold.

Enjoy!
And have a wonderful day
that is filled with flowers and love.

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:33 pm

Once more I have something for you that is not funny.
But it is amazing and I hope that you will find it as interesting as I do and enjoy it as much.

Separating Egg White And Yolk

If you have difficulties doing this the old fashioned way,
you might like to try the ingenious method demonstrated in the video whose link is below:

‘Separating Egg White And Yolk’
http://bbs.wenxuecity.com/cooking/1160651.html

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 01, 2015 3:25 pm

Medical Dictionary With A Difference

Medical Terms & Definitions


Artery
The study of paintings

Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria

Barium
What doctors do when patients die

Benign
What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section
A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan
Searching for Kitty

Cauterise
Made eye contact with her

Colic
A sheep dog

Coma
A punctuation mark

Dilate
To live long

Enema
Not a friend

Fester
Quicker than someone else

Fibula
A small lie

Impotent
Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane

Morbid
A higher offer

Nitrates
Rates of pay for working at night,
normally more money than days

Node
I knew it

Outpatient
A person who has fainted

Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
A letter carrier

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
Nearly killed him

Secretion
Hiding something

Seizure
Roman Emperor

Tablet
A small table

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport

Tumour
One plus one more

Urine
Opposite of you're out

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:28 pm

Are you lonely?
Work on your own?
Hate having to make decisions?
Then hold a meeting.

You can get to see other people,
Sleep in peace,
Load decisions onto others,
Feel important and impress your colleagues –
Just think – all of that in work time!

MEETINGS!

The practical and creative alternative to work.

Anon.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Oct 09, 2015 2:28 pm

Teenagers!
Tired of being harassed by parents,
Who don’t know anything?

Act Now!
Move out! Get a job!
Pay your own bills,
While you still know everything!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Oct 12, 2015 6:24 pm

A young man had just received his driving licence, so he went to his father, an evangelist, to see whether he would be allowed to use his father’s car. The father responded with: ‘I’ll make a deal with you. If you increase your grades from a C to a B average, study the Bible a bit more and get your hair cut. we’ll talk about the car.’

Thinking about this for a moment, the boy decided to settle for the offer. Father and son agreed on it. After about six weeks they met in the father’s study. He greeted the youngster with: ‘Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, as well as participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m really disappointed because you haven’t got your hair cut.’

The young man responded with: ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. But I noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’

The father replied: ‘Did you also notice that they all walked wherever they went?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Oct 13, 2015 1:51 pm

Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’s

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

How about this one?

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Oct 15, 2015 9:23 pm

The Good Old Days

Granddad was reminiscing about them the other day: ‘When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t’corner store wi’ a dollar, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf a dozen eggs. Yer can’t do that now. Too many bloomin’ security cameras.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 17, 2015 3:00 pm

Understanding And Applying The New Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you also need to go to the toilet.

2. Law of Gravity. Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, always rolls into the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability. The likelihood of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers. If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you may indeed have a flat tire. So beware!

6. Law of Variation. If you change queues in the supermarket or traffic lanes, the one you were in begins to move faster than the one you have joined.

7. Law of Bathing. When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters. The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically, when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of Results. When you try to prove to someone that something doesn’t work, it will get going.

10. Law of Biomechanics. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach of your hands.

11. Doctors’ Law. When you feel unwell, you make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you will probably feel better. But strangely enough, if you don’t go and see her or him you may remain sick.

12. The Starbucks Law. As soon as you sit down to enjoy a cup of hot coffee, your boss asks you to do something that will take until your coffee has gone cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers. If there are only two people in a locker room, they are bound to be in adjacent ones.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces. The chances of an open-faced jelly, jam or marmalade sandwich landing face down on the floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the floor covering.

15. Law of Logical Argument. Anything is possible, if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance. If the clothes fit, they’re probably not very nice.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy. As soon as you find a product that you really enjoy, it disappears from the shelves.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 31, 2015 2:54 pm

It’s Halloween! It’s Halloween!
The moon is full and bright
And we shall see what can’t be seen
On any other night.

Skeletons and ghosts and ghouls,
Grinning goblins fighting duels,
Werewolves rising from their tombs,
Witches on their magic brooms.

In masks and gowns
We haunt the street
And knock on doors
For trick or treat.

Tonight we are
The king and queen,
For oh tonight
It’s Halloween!

Jack Prelutsky

Please click the link below and take a look at your

‘Halloween Card’
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=2429761523788&source=jl999

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Nov 02, 2015 4:20 pm

The Joy And Wonder Of Translations

In a Bangkok temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

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