A Man Of The Old School
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is no option for me. I will win.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other: ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but with the computers and everything these days, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ Then we go and drink a couple of beers together, our kind of holy communion.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, that’s why for you this problem doesn’t exist.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But I cannot be expected to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu.’ For all I know they are one and the same thing.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I insist on taking it apart, even though I know that it will cost me twice as much when a repair person gets here and puts everything together again.
Because I’m a man, I have to hold the television remote control in my hand while watching TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it. On one occasion I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (this applies to engineers mainly).
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so it’s better not to ask in the first place.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother or have her coming to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you get for your mother on Mother’s Day is okay. I don’t need to see it, but don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked a film. The chances are that if you were crying at the end of it, I did not. But if you are feeling amorous afterwards, I certainly remember at least the name and recommend it to others.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man and this is the year 2010, I equally share the housework with you. Just do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming and the dishes. I’ll see to the rest, for example wandering around our garden with a beer in my hand and wondering what to do.
Because I’m a man of the old school, I can’t help myself. And if you don’t do any of those things, I am sorry to have to tell you that in my view you are not really worthy of being called a man.
Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius
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So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.
You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
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