A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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aquarius123esoteric
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Tue Nov 06, 2018 4:49 pm

Fun With Languages

Isn’t English a crazy language? Let me illustrate this with a few examples. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And, by the way, why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’?

There also is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP!

And now it’s UP to you what you do with this.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2809
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Mon Nov 12, 2018 3:17 pm

‘Happy Animals At Play’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-Wm3vEGbLU

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

User avatar
aquarius123esoteric
Posts: 2809
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:08 pm
Location: United Kingdom
Contact:

Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Wed Nov 14, 2018 4:18 pm

The Badge

A US Drug Enforcement Administration Officer one day stopped at our farm and told me: ‘I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.’

‘Okay,’ I replied, ‘but don’t go in that field over there.’

Exploding with rage, the Officer replied: ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!’ Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he brought out his badge and with a growl shoved it into my face: ‘See this badge?! It means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

Nodding politely, I apologised and went about my chores. It didn’t take long until I heard a loud scream. When I looked up, I saw the Officer being chased by my big old mean bull. He was running for his life, but with every step the bull was gaining ground and it was very likely that the man would get gored before he could reach safety. He looked so terrified that I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my voice: ‘Your badge, show him the badge!’

* * *
So long as this you fail to see:
That death precedes re-birth!
A gloomy guest you’ll always be,
Upon this darkling Earth.

Goethe

You can find my writings and download
them free of charge from my website
www.raysofwisdom.com

* * *

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