A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Wed Nov 04, 2015 3:30 pm

Love these humor posts. Some really fun stuff. :lol:

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Nov 04, 2015 4:20 pm

Webwanderer wrote:Love these humor posts. Some really fun stuff. :lol:

WW


It's good to know it and thank you for letting me know, dear Webwanderer.

With love - Aquarius
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Nov 10, 2015 8:46 pm

A man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says: ‘Give me six double Martinis’. Although he is more than somewhat aghast, the man behind the bar obliges. He prepares the drinks and sets them down in a row in front of the visitor, who instantly starts guzzling them down, one after the other, without blinking.

The kind bartender, who has the good of his customers at heart, says to the man: ‘Listen mister – you’re gonna do yourself some harm drinking like that!’ Smiling sadly, the man replies: ‘Ah well, if you had what I have, you’d be glugging them down like that too.’

Very concerned now, the bartender wants to know: ‘Why? What have you got?’

After a moment’s hesitation, the man replies: ‘63 cents.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Nov 17, 2015 8:19 pm

The Nature Of Hell

The following is a question that was actually given in a University of Washington chemistry final exam: ‘Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.’ Most of the students wrote of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

‘First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. For this we have to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving it. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of them state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions who are trying to convince us that this is true, and because people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that the souls of all people go to Hell. With birth and death rates the way they presently are, we can surmise that the number of souls in Hell is increasing exponentially.

Now, let us look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. As Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This presents us with two possibilities:


If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering it, the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in it, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, who told me: ‘It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in sleeping with her, number two cannot be true, and that makes me feel sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student is the only who got an A.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Nov 20, 2015 9:20 pm

Ventriloquist With A Difference

Watch how the man walks off the stage and the puppet continues on its own.

‘The Ventriloquist’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me5ihmdlAk4

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Nov 23, 2015 3:13 pm

From The Mouths Of Children

A new teacher was trying to make use of what she had learned in her psychology studies. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, One of the children stood up. The teacher said: ‘Do you think you’re stupid?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

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A little boy watched with fascination as his mother smoothed cold cream onto her face. ‘Why do you do that, mum?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘Are you giving up?’ asked the lad.

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A kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ With a puzzled look on its face the child replied: ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

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A little boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ The father replied: ‘Whenever I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. With a worried look on his face, the lad replied: ‘Dad, I think the Parcel Force man wants to buy mum.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Nov 26, 2015 3:05 pm

For this special day I have prepared a little surprise for you.

Please follow the link below:

‘Thanksgiving’
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=5754497453788&source=jl999&utm_medium=internal_email&utm_source=pickup&utm_campaign=receivercontent

With love – Aquarius

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Thu Nov 26, 2015 7:42 pm

Nice touch. Happy Thanksgiving.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Nov 28, 2015 5:05 pm

Here is something that puts things into perspective whenever we are in danger of losing it.

Please follow the link below and join me on:

'The Journey'
http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Nov 30, 2015 4:50 pm

Euro English

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan aimed to become known as ‘Euro-English’. Here are a few examples:

In the first year, the soft ‘c’ will replace the ‘s’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one fewer letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will nicely shorten words like photograph.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the forz yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Created by Anon.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Dec 09, 2015 3:40 pm

A Married Girl’s Night Out

A while ago, I was invited out for a night with ‘the girls.’ I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed so pleasantly and the Margaritas went down oh so easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, to put it mildly, I headed for home. Just as I got in through our front door, the cuckoo clock in the hall called out three times. Even in my advanced state I realised that this would probably wake up my husband, so when the clock stopped I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in spite of the fact that I was almost totally smashed, to avoid creating a conflict situation with my man.

When he asked me the next morning what time I had got home, I casually replied: ‘At midnight.’ Because he didn’t seem angry at all, I secretly congratulated myself on my ingenuity and thought: ‘Phew! I got away with that one!’

Yet, he seemed to be pondering on something for a moment. After a pause of a few seconds, he surprised me with the news: ‘I believe we need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he replied: ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said: ‘Oh bubbles!’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and let off some wind!’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Dec 12, 2015 3:59 pm

Today I have something for you that isn't exactly a joke, but it's interesting and I hope you are going to enjoy it.

The Guess Your Number Game

Please click the link below and see what happens.

‘Guess Your Number’
http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf


If you scroll down, I shall let you in on the secret of how it’s done.

No cheating please!

*

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*

*

*

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*


So, how does the house know the number you have chosen? It can actually be worked out by the process of elimination. The game works by a flash application that is set up in such a way that it can easily determine which number you picked. You are actually telling it – no need really for saying the number out loud – the choices you are making, as you go along.

Lets say you pick 17 which is blue. First thing you tell it is the colour of the number you have chosen. With that, it knows that it is either 3, 4, 10, 17 or 18.

The second time you pick a colour does nothing to help it figure out your answer. Like saying the numbers out loud, this bit is just a bit of smoke and mirrors.

The place where it asks you to pick a house with your number in it, that is where it can assess the number of your choice.

Say, if you picked 17, you would click house c. Since 17 is the only blue number in that house, the system knows at this point what your number is, because the houses only have one number from each colour group in them. This is a practical application for the process of elimination.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Dec 14, 2015 3:02 pm

Questions That Cannot Be Answered

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they someone ‘slept like a baby’, when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Why is it that a man walked on the moon before someone figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

And did you ever wonder about these?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say: ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say: ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that emerges from its behind.

Why do toasters always have a setting that is so high that it burns the toast into an inedible state?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their behind when they want to know where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto walks on all fours? After all, they’re both dogs.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Stop singing and read on.

Do illiterate people get any benefit from eating Alphabetti?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, it gets mad at you, but when you take it on a car ride, it wants to stick its head out of the window?

Does pressing the lift button more than once make it go faster?

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Dec 18, 2015 4:49 pm

The Rabbit Chase

The Los Angeles Police Department, known as LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are each trying to prove that they are best at apprehending criminals, so the President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells each department to catch it.

First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist in this forest.

Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies because in their view the rabbit had it coming.

Finally, the LAPD goes in. Two hours later they emerge with a badly beaten bear who is yelling: ‘Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Dec 26, 2015 3:00 pm

A Story For Christmas

If there had been three wise women instead of men, the following would have happened:

• They would have asked directions.

• Arrived on time.

• Helped deliver the baby.

• Cleaned the stable.

• Made a casserole.

• Brought practical gifts.

• And there would have been peace on Earth.

Nonetheless

Happy Christmas!

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