A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Dec 27, 2015 3:06 pm

Recipe For A Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
2 bottles wine
2 cups dried fruit


Sample the wine to check its quality. Take a large bowl, test the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, first pour one level cup of it and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still okay. Better try another cup.

Just in case, turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Pick the fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, then a spoon of sugar or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat. Then walk to the nearest supermarket and buy a cake.

Bingle Jells!

Merry Christmas to all.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Sun Dec 27, 2015 5:54 pm

Hah mush lemon chuice? erp...

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Dec 28, 2015 4:18 pm

Did you enjoy your portion of the cake? :)
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Mon Dec 28, 2015 8:07 pm

Wha cake?
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Dec 29, 2015 4:14 pm

Do you mean to say you're still sloshed? What a potent cake!

Cheers! Prosit! A Votre Sante!
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Wed Dec 30, 2015 1:48 am

If at first you don't succeed, more cake. :mrgreen:
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Onceler » Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:07 am

Let them drink Cake!!!!
Be present, be pleasant.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Dec 30, 2015 2:47 pm

What a brilliant idea!
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Dec 30, 2015 2:53 pm

But, to take the attention away from the cake, I have prepared the following for you:

The Zoo Job

An out of work actor is trying to earn some money as a mime. In his new role as street performer, one day he ventures into a zoo and gives one of his displays. People seem to like his efforts and in no time at all a good crowd has gathered around him. One of the zoo keepers who has kept an eye on him, suddenly has an idea. Grabbing the actor by his arm, he drags him into his office and explains to him that one of the zoo’s most popular attractions, a gorilla, has died suddenly. Because he, the keeper, is afraid that the zoo’s attendance figures might drop rapidly, would the mime be interested in dressing up as the gorilla, until they can find a replacement for the real one. The rate of pay offered is good and he has nothing to lose, so the mime accepts.

The next morning he puts on a gorilla suit and enters his cage before the crowds appear. It doesn’t take him long to discover that this is the best job he’s ever had. It allows him to sleep as much as he wants, to play and make fun of people, and on top of all that he is drawing much bigger crowds than he ever did before.

After a while, however, people have had enough of seeing the gorilla doing the same things over and over gain, and quite frankly, he too is as sick and tired of them as they are. People wander off and start to take more interest in a lion in the cage next to the gorilla’s. Not wanting to lose his audience, the mine climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across the partition and dangles himself down from the top into the lion’s cage. This infuriates the king of the animals no end, but the crowds just love it.

At the end of that same day the zoo raises the mime’s pay for being such a good attraction. Day by day, he keeps on taunting the lion and their crowds grow ever bigger. In keeping with his success, the mime’s salary goes up and up, until one fine day, when he is dangling too precariously over the furious lion, he slips and falls.

The lion gathers its wits instantly and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he can’t think of anything but running round and round the cage with the lion in hot pursuit. Finally, the mime is so out of breath that he can run no more. ‘Help me, help me!’ he screams. With the speed of lightning the lion pounces on him and with one mighty sweep of its paw places the intruder flat on his back. Looking up into the angry animal’s face, the mine hears the lion mutter under his breath: ‘Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get both of us fired?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Jan 01, 2016 2:50 pm

How About A Spot Of Fortune Telling?

This is supposed to be a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope which, if you are honest, is supposed to tell the truth.

For a bit of fun, why not have a go? Write your answers down and begin:

1. Which is your favourite colour: red, black, blue, green or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which colour do you like better, black or white?
5. The name of a person of the same sex as you?
6. Your favourite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a Lake or the Ocean more?
9. Write down a realistic wish.

When you are done, scroll down and no cheating, please.

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Answer 1:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright.

3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you will fall in love with someone quite unexpectedly.
Apr-Jun: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major
Life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your life will be great. You will find your soul mate.

4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better and you are more than ready for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realise this.

5. This person should be your Best Friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your present lifetime.

7. If you choose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.

8. If you choose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

Happy New Year 2016 to all.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jan 05, 2016 4:44 pm

A Medical Problem

An elderly lady was suffering from an embarrassing problem and went to her doctor to see whether anything could be done about it. ‘It’s terrible, Doctor, it’s happening all the time,’ she told him. Fortunately, they’re soundless and they don’t smell. As a matter of fact, since being in this room it happened no less than twenty times. Can you help me, please?’

‘Oh yes, I think I can,’ the doctor said. ‘I shall give you a prescription for some pills. Take them three times a day for seven days, then come and see me again.’

The lady followed the doctor’s instructions and then visited him again. She was almost in tears when she told him: ‘I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is much worse. I’m doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible. What do you have to say for yourself?’

‘Calm down,’ the doctor replied soothingly. ‘Now we’ve fixed your sinuses, let’s see what we can do for your hearing. When that’s been done, we shall attend to your digestion.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Jan 15, 2016 7:59 pm

Is Paper Really Dead?

Some say paper is dead, others say it isn’t.
Why don’t you click link below and see for yourself?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Jan 20, 2016 3:51 pm

A Radio Conversation

The following exchange is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.

• Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

• Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

• This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

• No. I say again, you divert your course.

• This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise. We are a large warship of the US navy. Divert your course now!

• This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby Webwanderer » Fri Jan 22, 2016 12:36 am

While humorous, this did not take place as stated (an actual radio conversation). I heard a version of this back in the 1980's. Also consider, when would a Captain of a US Navy aircraft carrier, commanding upwards of 5000 personnel, be on the radio giving instructions on navigation? Surely there are more than enough subordinates for that. The whole dialog is anything but how such a conversation would take place between government organizations.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Jan 22, 2016 3:07 pm

I like it because it quite clearly is meant to be a joke. :-)
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