A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Jan 22, 2016 3:09 pm

How about something quite different?

The Nostalgia Machine

Welcome to a trip down the musical memory lane!

Please follow the link below and enjoy:

‘The Nostalgia Machine’
http://thenostalgiamachine.com/years/1960.html

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Jan 25, 2016 3:54 pm

The Sportsman Double

A man ended up with an older woman at a club one night and thought she looked pretty good for a fifty year old.

They drank a bit, well more than a bit, and had a snuggle. Then she asked him if he ever had taken part in a ‘Sportsman Double?’

‘What's that?’ he asked.

‘It's a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

‘Oh!’ he replied and his mind began to embrace the idea. ‘No, I haven't.’

He wondered what the daughter might look like and thought if she took after her mother she had to be pretty hot.

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink: ‘Tonight is your lucky night.’

They went back to her place and walked in.

Turning on the hall light, she shouted up the stairs:

‘Mother, are you still awake?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:04 pm

The All Girl Biker Bar

An blind old cowboy one day wandered by mistake into an all-girl biker bar. Placing himself a barstool, he ordered a shot of whiskey. After sitting there for a while, he shouted to the bartender: ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’


The bar fell silent. After a moment, a deep husky woman’s voice next to him said: ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair – given that you are blind – that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer also has fair hair.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman who weighs 175-pounds and has a black belt in karate.

4. The woman next to me is blonde professional weight lifter.

5. And the lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.

Think about this seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ Considering this for a second, he shook his head and muttered to himself: ‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Feb 28, 2016 4:07 pm

From The Mouth Of Babes

The Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class: ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’ One thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with: ‘I think I’d throw up.’

Did Noah Fish?

A Sunday school teacher asked: ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?’ ‘No,’ said Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms?’

Unanswered Prayer

A preacher’s five year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. ‘Well, my dear,’ he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. ‘I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.’ ‘How come He doesn’t answer it?’ she asked.

Thankfulness

Rabbi to a precocious six-year-old: ‘So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?’ ‘Thank God he’s in bed!’

Say A Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Johnny received his plate, he immediately started eating. ‘Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,’ reprimanded his mother. ‘I don’t need to,’ came the reply. ‘Of course, you do,’ mother insisted. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’ ‘Ah yes, that’s at our house.’ Johnny explained. ‘But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.

Jane And James

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: ‘Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Jane stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Jane?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all on your own!’

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. James, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, ‘James, what is the matter?’ He replied: ‘I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Mar 08, 2016 2:48 pm

The Tale Of The Church Squirrels

Once upon a time, there was a small town with five different religious establishments.

They were:
The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Lutheran Church
The Catholic Church
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each of them was over-run by squirrels. One fine day, the Presbyterians called a meeting to decide what could be done about them. After many prayers and deep reflections they came to the decision that the squirrels were destined to be there and as such, they had no right to interfere with God’s sacred will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken over the baptistery. The deacons thought it would be best to put a cover on this part of the church and then drown the squirrels in it. However, the squirrels escaped and it did not take long until there were twice as many of them in this church.

The Lutheran Church believed they had no right to harm any of God’s creatures. So they humanely trapped the squirrels, took them a few miles outside of town and set them free. Three days later, all of them had returned.

The Catholic Church came up with what, to them, appeared to be the best and most effective solution. They baptised each squirrel and registered all of them as members of their church. As a result, the squirrels can now only be seen at Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not bad, not bad at all, thought those in charge of the Jewish Synagogue. The head rabbi rubbed his hands and said: ‘We can do better!’ Quietly, they caught one of the male squirrels and after a short service of dedication circumcised him. No more squirrels were ever seen anywhere near the Synagogue.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Mar 17, 2016 3:33 pm

Dear God. I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely – Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

A few days after Christmas another letter to God came from the same old lady. All the workers gathered around while it was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told them of your kindness. By the way, the amount was four dollars short. I think it might have been those rotters at the post office.

Sincerely – Edna

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Mar 20, 2016 5:56 pm

The Lumberjack

A short skinny man walked into a lumber camp looking for a job. To impress the sceptical foreman, he chopped down a huge oak tree in half an hour.

‘Wow! Where did you learn to do that?’ the foreman asked.

‘In the Sahara Forest,’ the man replied.

‘But the Sahara is not a forest, it’s a desert!’ exclaimed the foreman.

‘Yep, it is now,’ said the little fellow.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Apr 06, 2016 3:07 pm

One day Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared at the TV just as the 10:00 p.m. news came on. The news crew was covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a building downtown.

The blonde looked at Bob and said: ‘Do you think he’ll jump?’

Bob replied: ‘You know, I bet he’ll jump.’

The blonde: ‘Well, I bet he won’t.’

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar: ‘You’re on!’

At the moment the blonde placed her money on the bar, the man on the ledge jumped and fell to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob with the remark: ‘Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.’

Bob: ‘I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.’

The blonde: ‘I saw it too, but I never thought he’d do it again.’

Bob took the money.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Apr 13, 2016 1:41 pm

Recipe For A Fruitcake

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
3 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still ok.

Cry another cup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break 2 geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxicity.
Next sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Apr 17, 2016 2:41 pm

Noah In Our Time

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: ‘Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’

He gave Noah the blueprints with the words: ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard without an ark.

‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’

‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed.’

‘I needed a Building Permit.’

‘I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.’

‘My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision.’

‘Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.’

‘Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.’

‘I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!’

‘When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.’

‘Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.’

‘I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.’

‘Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.’

‘The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.’

‘To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.’

‘So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.’

‘Suddenly the skies cleared, the Sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.’

Noah looked up in wonder and asked: ‘You mean you're not going to destroy the world?’

‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The Government has beaten me to it.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Apr 22, 2016 1:41 pm

Labour Pains

A couple went to hospital for the delivery of their baby. Upon arrival, they were introduced to a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the baby’s father. When asked if they were willing to try this new invention, the couple readily agreed that the pain transfer unit should initially be set to ten percent. The nurses explained that even this amount of pain would probably be more than any father had ever experienced before the birth of his child.

As the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer and the husband was still feeling fine. When the doctor checked his blood pressure, he was amazed at how well he was doing. Together they decided to try fifty percent. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping his wife very much, the husband asked the doctor to transfer all pain to him. And so a healthy baby was delivered with almost no pain. The couple were ecstatic and as there had be no complications, the new little family was able to go home immediately after the birth. When they arrived there, they found their gardener dead on the porch.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Apr 26, 2016 3:42 pm

God Created Children

Whenever your children are out of control, take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God is believed to have created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he is supposed to have said was: ‘Don’t!’

‘Don’t what?’ Adam replied. ‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,’ God said.

‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!’

‘No way!’

‘Yes way!’

‘Do not eat the fruit!’ God repeated.

‘Why?’

‘Because I am your Father and I say so!’ God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped Creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, He was watching His children having an apple break. By now he was very annoyed and asked them: ‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?’

‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied.

‘Then why did you?’ said the Father.

‘I don’t know,’ said Eve.

‘She started it!’ Adam said.

‘I did not!’

‘You did!’

‘I did not!’

Fed up with the two of them, God decided Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

Things To Reflect Upon

• Be nice to your children. They are going to choose your nursing home one day.

• If you have persistently and lovingly tried to share your life’s wisdom with your children and they refuse to take it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think yours would be easier?

• You spend the first two years of your children’s life teaching them to walk and talk and the following sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.

• Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

• Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

• Children seldom misquote you. More often than not they repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

• The main purpose of children’s parties is to remind you that some children are even more difficult than yours.

• We childproof our homes, but they are still getting in.

• And no matter what they do, we never stop loving them.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Apr 28, 2016 3:29 pm

Rewards

A preacher has just passed on. He is standing in line waiting to be judged and hopes to be admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. ‘I was a taxi driver in New York City,’ the man replies.

An Angel stands at the gate and calls out: ‘Next’. The taxi driver steps forward and the Angel hands him a golden staff and a basket of fruit, cheese and wine, then lets him pass through the gates. Pleased with himself, the taxi driver proceeds.

When the Angel shouts: ‘Next!’, the preacher steps forward. The Angel hands him a wooden staff, bread and water. Very concerned, because he believes a mistake has been made, he turns to the Angel: ‘That man is a taxi driver. He gets those good things, when I, who spent most of my life doing God’s work on the Earth get this stuff! How can that be?’

‘Ah!’ says the Angel, ‘up here we judge by results. All your flock ever did during your sermons was sleep. In his taxi, people prayed!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed May 11, 2016 2:21 pm

Notices To Staff

Dress Code


You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, to enable you to buy better clothes. That’s why you do not need a pay rise either.

If you dress just right, you are clearly where you want to be. Therefore, no pay rise is necessary for you.

Sick Leave

We no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you can go to the doctor, you should also be able to come to work.

Holidays

Each employee receives fifty-two personal holidays per year. They are known as Sundays.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to avoid getting involved in the funeral arrangements. Where this is not possible, funerals should be scheduled for late afternoons. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

As far too much time is spent in the toilets, from now on this will be restricted to three minutes in each cubicle.

At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll retract, the cubicle door fly open and your picture will be taken.

After your second offence, the picture will be posted on the company’s notice board under ‘chronic offenders’.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks

Slim employees get 30 minutes lunch break, as they need to eat more to keep them looking healthy.

Normal size employees get 15 minutes lunch break to get a balanced meal to maintain their figure.

Chubby employees get 5 minutes lunch break, because that’s all the time needed to drink a ‘slim-fast.’

Thank you all for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are a responsible employer, here to provide you all with positive work experiences. Therefore, any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and consternations should be directed elsewhere.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu May 19, 2016 1:48 pm

Tourist Questions

Banff National Park – Canadian Rocky Mountains


Each one of these questions was heard by the staff of the park’s information kiosks.

1. How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the ‘Elk Crossing’ signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: ‘How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?’
Park Information Staff: ‘ ‘Elk’ ‘
Tourist: ‘Oh’.

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it’s eight kilometres away. . . is that in miles?

23. We’re on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?

26. Don’t you Canadians know anything?

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

28. Tourist: ‘How do you get your lakes so blue?’
Park staff: ‘We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom.’
Tourist: ‘Oh!

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