A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:53 pm

The Old German Shepherd’s Dog And The Panther

One day an old German Shepherd’s dog is chasing rabbits and before long discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a young panther who is heading rapidly in his direction clearly intent on devouring the dog for his lunch.

‘Oh ho!’ the dog thinks. ‘I surely am in deep trouble now!’ But then he notices some bones on the ground close by. With his back turned towards the approaching panther, he immediately starts chewing them. Just as the big cat is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly: ‘Boy, what a delicious panther that was! Might there be any more around here?’

Hearing this, the panther halts his attack in mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Phew! That was a close miss. The dog nearly got me.’

A squirrel has been watching the scene from a nearby tree and thinks to itself: ‘How can I put this to some good use. Maybe I can trade it for some protection by the panther.’ So, off it goes after the panther. Spilling its beans, it strikes a deal with the big cat, who is furious for having been made a fool of and responds to the squirrel’s offer with: ‘Hop on my back and see what we can do about that conniving canine!’

The dog sees the panther approaching with the squirrel on his back. ‘Now, what can I do?’ Instead of running away, he decides to sit down with his back to his attackers and pretend he hasn’t seen them coming. When the two of them get into hearing range, the dog mutters, just loud enough for the panther and the squirrel to hear: ‘Where’s that darn squirrel? Didn’t I send it off hours ago to bring me another panther? There’s no relying on folks these days.’

The moral of this story is: Don’t mess with old dogs. Age and skill will always outshine and win over youth and treachery. True genius and brilliance can only come with age and experience.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Tue Aug 02, 2016 3:21 pm

British Humour

There are four kinds of people in the United Kingdom:

First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath and everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh, who prayed on their knees and their neighbours.
Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted, but were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

From British Humour

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Aug 06, 2016 5:29 pm

A Yorkshire Treat

A Yorkshireman and his wife one day walked past a swanky new restaurant.

“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Wonderful!”

Being the proverbial ‘kind-hearted Yorkshireman’, he thought: “What the heck, I’ll treat her!”

So the next day they walked past it again.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Wed Aug 10, 2016 3:50 pm

Not The Hospital’s Fault

A recent article in one of our newspapers reported that a woman sued her local hospital because after her husband had been treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman stated: ‘The man was admitted into Ophthalmology and all we did was correct his eyesight.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Aug 12, 2016 1:31 pm

It’s A Dog’s Life

One day, a tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. It was easy to tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home where he was well taken care of. He calmly came towards to me, so I gave him a few pats on his head and without any further ado he followed me into my house. He slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, so I let him out. The next day he was back. Greeting me in the yard, he walked into the house, resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Trying to find out where he belonged, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to know who the owner of this dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon he comes to my house for a nap.’

When he arrived the next day, a reply had been pinned to his collar. It read: ‘He belongs to a home with six children, two under the age of three. He is trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Aug 13, 2016 3:19 pm

True or False?

Which of the following statements, in your view, are true and which ones are false?
The answers can be found at the end.

1. Apples are more efficient at waking you up in the morning than caffeine.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker is in danger of losing approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather. It happens much more from staying indoors.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart.
6. Only seven percent of the population are left handed.
7. Forty people are sent to hospitals for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child is two to six years old.
9. The average person over 50 has spent 5 years waiting in queues.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. An average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks seven times per minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than at any other time of day.
16. Most people have eaten a spider in their sleep.
17. The real reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who are giving birth. The cords are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
26. If colouring was not added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, scroll down for the answers.

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Scroll further

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They are all TRUE

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Mon Aug 15, 2016 2:28 pm

The Senior Driver

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car, sat her in a deckchair and said: ‘You appear to be a bit elderly to be driving.’

‘Well, yes, I am,’ she replied proudly. ‘I’ll be ninety-seven next month and old enough not to need a driver’s license anymore.’

My neighbour asked: ‘How do you know?’

‘The last time I went to see my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. When I said yes and handed it to him, he took a pair of scissors, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket, saying: ‘You won’t need this anymore.’

Well, I thanked him and left. And here I am.

* * *

A smile is a sign of joy.
A hug is a sign of love.
A laugh is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me?
That’s just a sign of excellent taste.

Have a good day!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Tue Aug 16, 2016 2:53 pm

Letter To The Agony Aunt

Dear Agony Aunt,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It’s so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job fourteen years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and shoot clay pigeon with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work hard to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Yours truly,
Confused

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Dear Confused,

Grow up and dump him. You don’t need him anymore! Good grief woman, you’re running for the presidency of the United States!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Wed Aug 24, 2016 3:31 pm

Three Pints, Please

A man went into a bar and ordered three pints of beer, lined them up in front of himself and took a sip from each one. He continued to drink from each glass in turn until they were all empty, then he ordered another three pints. Whilst pouring them the barman said: ‘Y’know, you’d be far better off drinking beer one glass at a time. It goes flat awful quickly and that’s not a good way to drink them.’

The man replied: ‘I understand what you’re saying, but you see, me and my two brothers always used to drink beer together after work. One has gone to Australia and the other to America, but we promised each other that we would continue to order and drink this way.’

The man became a regular at the bar and everyone knew his story.
But one evening he went to the bar as usual and ordered just two pints. A hush fell over the place and the word went round that something must have happened to one of the man’s brothers. When he ordered the second round, the barman said quietly: ‘These are on the house – I am very sorry about your loss.’

With a puzzled look on his face the man replied: ‘What loss would that be?’ The barman nodded towards the two pints: ‘Well, it looks like one of them has departed.’ ‘Oh no,’ the man grinned. ‘Both my brothers are fine. It’s me. I’ve become a teetotaller.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Thu Aug 25, 2016 2:18 pm

Another Biker’s Tale

A drunken man walks into a bikers’ bar, sits down and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to their table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: ‘I saw your grandma in the hallway stark naked this afternoon. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is a mean character who would normally fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: ‘I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!’ The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: ‘I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!’

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says: Go home, Grandpa!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Aug 26, 2016 4:08 pm

A Sign Of Our Time

I was visiting my daughter and her husband the other day. When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper, my son-in-law replied: ‘This is the 21st century. We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iphone.’

I can tell you that fly never knew what hit it!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Sep 02, 2016 4:30 pm

Sent Shopping

A man is reading the paper when his wife comes in and says: ‘Will you go to the corner shop and get me a pint of milk please?’ As the man is clearly put out, his wife adds: ‘I really just want a pint of milk, but if they’ve got avocados, get six.’

About ten minutes later the man returns with six pints of milk. ‘Why did you buy six pints of milk?’ his wife asks.

‘Because they had avocados.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:24 pm

The Talking Parrots

A lady had bought two talking female parrots, but when she got them home she found that all she ever heard them say was: ‘Hi, we are hookers. Do you want to have some fun?’ In vain she tried to teach them different sentences and one day she’d had enough. She went to see her priest and told him about her problem with the parrots. He thought about it for a moment and then replied: ‘I may have a solution. I also have two talking parrots; mine are males. They are called Peter and Francis and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your birds and we’ll put them into the cage with mine. My parrots can teach yours how to pray and worship and in no time flat yours will have forgotten what they ever said before.

The next day, the woman brought her parrots. The priest took her into the living room. In one corner stood a cage with two parrots who were holding rosary beads and praying loudly. She was impressed and did not hesitate to put her parrots into the cage with Peter and Francis.

The female parrots soon settled down and started to shout in unison: ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ Stunned silence! Clearly delighted, one of the male parrots glanced over to the other one and exclaimed: ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Fri Oct 07, 2016 3:55 pm

Ouch!

One hot summer’s day a couple drove to their local supermarket and their car broke down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he repaired the car. Upon her return she noticed a small cluster of people standing around it. Coming closer, she saw a pair of male legs sticking out from underneath the chassis.

The man was in shorts, but he didn’t seem to be wearing underpants. This turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. ‘How embarrassing,’ she thought and stepped forward. Deftly she put her hand up the shorts and tucked everything out of sight. Taking a deep breath, she stood up to face the crowd. When she looked across the bonnet, she found her husband staring into her face. He had merely been standing by.

The mechanic, however, required emergency treatment and wound up with concussion and three stitches in his forehead.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Post by aquarius123esoteric » Sat Oct 08, 2016 3:34 pm

The Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbour: ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. Cost me four thousand pounds and it’s state of the art. Just perfect.’

‘Really?’ asked the neighbour. ‘What type is it?’

‘Twelve thirty,’ came the reply.

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