Why do I feel guilty about looking forward to something?

[Jbrooke]

Hi all,

Since becoming more enlightened by reading Tolle, I have also developed a sense of guilt when I find myself looking forward to something. Whether it be looking forward to my husband getting home at night so we can have a nice dinner or looking forward to the weekend when I can get a break from my 10 month old and catch up on a few naps. looking forward to shopping for a pair of shoes. Whatever it is, I feel as though I am fooling myself. That I am experiencing delusional pleasure by anticipating or looking forward to some event because being in the now is the only thing that should bring me pleasure. Is this feeling of anticipation removing me from the present? Is it something false? Is it self destructive?

Any thoughts?
Jen

[smiileyjen101]

Hi Jen, you're only deluding yourself if you 'attached' to the expectation and don't realise it.

Say if your husband that you're anticipating coming home for a nice dinner has to work late. If you go, oh shame about that, we can eat later (whatever), no harm, no attachment, no making enemy, obstacle (to your happiness), means to an end creating a drama about it. If however you are attached to it (the expectation, not the reality) you will create 'suffering' in the distance.

If what you are doing in the present is harmlessly and consciously projecting out of the present moment to a known day-dream, then you are actually still in the present, day-dreaming in the present.

In all things I'm playing with 'densities' of malignancy or benign energies.
Which does the day dreaming feel more like - malignant or benign?

Now, turn to the 'sense of guilt'... is it more malignant or benign?

ma·lig·nant adj.
1. Showing great malevolence; disposed to do evil.
2. Highly injurious; pernicious.
3. Pathology
a. Threatening to life; virulent: a malignant disease.
b. Tending to metastasize; cancerous. Used of a tumor.
ma·lignant·ly adv.

be·nign
adj.
1. Of a kind and gentle disposition.
2. Showing gentleness and mildness. See Synonyms at kind1.
3. Tending to exert a beneficial influence; favorable: a policy with benign consequences for the economy. See Synonyms at favorable.
4. Having little or no detrimental effect; harmless: a chemical additive that is environmentally benign.
5. Medicine Of no danger to health; not recurrent or progressive; not malignant: a benign tumor.

I'll be interested to hear what you think Jen.

[kiki]

I think you're over-thinking this. Being present doesn't mean you stop being human. Go ahead, look forward to things without guilt and allow yourself to feel the pleasure of anticipating a loved one's return. What could be more human than that? Finding pleasure in things isn't "wrong", but just understand that pleasure in things isn't lasting. Enjoy everything while it lasts, and when it's gone let it go.

[Dohjo]

What kiki said. Your ego seems to have taken another humble form

[far_eastofwest]

well et does stress living in the 'now'
i think smiley jen has good points
its not the looking forward to something that is in anyway negative, but it can lead to that feeling of disappointment when the outcome isn't as expected. good to be aware of it.

if you are very attatched to what you are looking forward to it can create disappointment and a sense of loss (loss of something that is only in your imagination if it in fact doesn't happen). so there is the difference of 'looking forward' and 'expecting'..... expectations are tricky.

too much looking forward may in some cases prevent you from enjoying what is happening now, ie, it takes the focus of 'now' and swings you into an imaginary future.
i quite look forward to my plumber coming back but i don't Expect him too soon..... I would be in for weekly disappointments in that case (he likes to do one or two pipes at a time and then 'be back soon'...)

A ten month old is quite a bit to look after.... as long as your baby is loved, held, well cared for you have nothing in the world to feel guilty about!

[Jbrooke]

I do overthink everything, it seems. Working on diminishing that as I become more awakened. And, Jen, my "sense of guilt" often feels benign, but other times feels malignant. And yet, it isn't always easy to know if my ego is effecting this conclusion or not...

A lot of my guilt stems from finding that I frequently find myself wanting to kill clock time. I am a stay at home mom to my 10.5 month old, who I love very much. But the days can seem long. I won't lie! There is a great deal of playing on the floor with her, trying to keep her entertained, chasing her around to make sure she doesn't get into anything dangerous, diaper changing, feedings etc etc. And it gets very tedious much of the time. Regardless of my love for her. During those times I am aware that I am peeking at the clock quite a bit. Secretly hoping that it will indicate that she is close to her naptime so that I can have some free time of my own to do what I want or need to do. I don't want to be checking the clock so often, but I almost feel incapable of doing so. No matter HOW I try to remain in the present moment with her during some of these times (for example, playing with those toys with her over and over) I secretly wish clock time would speed up. I find myself daydreaming about what we can do next that might "spice things up" or be more stimulating for ME. I feel guilty about all of this most of the time and I also hate the fact that I am wanting to kill clock time as often as I do. I try to accept the circumstance and be present, but it often just doesn't seem possible. And ultimately, I feel like a bad mom for all of this.

[Golf]

A lot of my guilt stems from finding that I frequently find myself wanting to kill clock time. I am a stay at home mom to my 10.5 month old, who I love very much. But the days can seem long. I won't lie! There is a great deal of playing on the floor with her, trying to keep her entertained, chasing her around to make sure she doesn't get into anything dangerous, diaper changing, feedings etc etc. And it gets very tedious much of the time. Regardless of my love for her. During those times I am aware that I am peeking at the clock quite a bit. Secretly hoping that it will indicate that she is close to her naptime so that I can have some free time of my own to do what I want or need to do. I don't want to be checking the clock so often, but I almost feel incapable of doing so. No matter HOW I try to remain in the present moment with her during some of these times (for example, playing with those toys with her over and over) I secretly wish clock time would speed up. I find myself daydreaming about what we can do next that might "spice things up" or be more stimulating for ME. I feel guilty about all of this most of the time and I also hate the fact that I am wanting to kill clock time as often as I do. I try to accept the circumstance and be present, but it often just doesn't seem possible. And ultimately, I feel like a bad mom for all of this.

First thing, you're now a mom to a baby, and this is your primary "function" in life right now. You may neglect work, friends, hobbies, but not this. I think that's a fact, and not a judgment. Try and stick to it.

But being at home all the time, and maybe without other family members to help and provide company, is challenging, and in this situation the unconscious stuff in you is getting to the surface. I think you're still identified with the mental idea, "I should not want anything for myself when I'm caring for the baby". You "shouldn't" feel like you'd wish for the clock to speed up. In other words, there's some selfishness in you (your want of free time), and there's criticism about the selfishness. An inner conflict.

I think both your feeling that you want time to pass and your judgment about it are aspects of the ego. Try to allow yourself to want time to speed up, observe the want, but try to detach from self-criticising thoughts. Allow yourself not to be perfect, allow the selfishness to be there if it appears.

I think I'm experiencing a similar thing, that is, same ego structure, but with different content (see last post, link :
http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth ... =5&t=10488

I hope I've helped shed some light on your situation...

[Jbrooke]

Golf,

Thank you for your input. I think I have been obsessing about not giving myself license to feel what I feel at times (longing to be somewhere else or be doing something else etc) and the ego judges and condemns me for feeling that way. I like what you wrote:

'Try to allow yourself to want time to speed up, observe the want, but try to detach from self-criticising thoughts. Allow yourself not to be perfect, allow the selfishness to be there if it appears.'

Very helpful!
Jen

[smiileyjen101]

Jen I have to say being a Mum is probably the hardest activity in the world, you have all of the responsibility with very little of the 'authority', as in so many things now are out of your ability to respond, or at least a little hazy in how to respond. What was yours was shared (body) and now is separating and the paths can get a little muddy.

Folks are so willing to tell you how you/it/your child/your relationship/your time should be and so we spend much of our time judging ourself, our child, our experience as a parent.

I think it's wonderful that you've noticed this.

The last thing you probably need is more advice - the 'permission' to allow everything to arise is a given that many cut themselves off from, so yes first thing give yourself permission to be, and drop the guilt.

No matter what it is - it is what it is - and there is much peace to be had in accepting that.

Also notice and acknowledge that you didn't die when your child was born, not your body, not your personality, not your needs, not your intellect... yes you gave life to another, but no, you did not die. It can seem with all the attention on this tiny new life that we disappear into it - do yourself and your child a favour and recognise that you have separate and equally important needs. She is not an extension of you, and you are not an extension of her.

This will allow healthy acceptance of the needs of both of you. So that when you are together there is a willingness, rather than an obligation-ness... (yes I know you love her with all of your heart... but your heart grew by that amount, the rest of it (the for you bit) is still there)

I find myself daydreaming about what we can do next that might "spice things up" or be more stimulating for ME.

These are two different 'needs' - yours and hers, anything you do will be stimulating for a 10.5 mth old - but you and your child are two different entities.

When you're trying to think of something else to 'do' breathe out. If ever in doubt, breathe out, if ever panicking or fearing or heart in your mouth or judging yourself or another... breathe out.