In need of a little help right now...

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Golf
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In need of a little help right now...

Post by Golf » Sun May 13, 2012 11:25 pm

As some who've read my posts might know, I finally became able to dis-identify from some deeply conditioned thoughts of mine just a few days ago. From the voice of the "inner critic", "superego", the tormentor in the head... from the "shoulds", "musts" and "have to's".

I was trying to work on some of my goals during recent months (finding an adequate job, getting back in shape, studying...), but I've noticed that something in me was producing psychological pressure to perform when working at those goals... so much that it actually became much harder to work at them, because the pressure itself was making me lazy, worn out and apathic, and this was further increasing the pressure to get moving and perform, on and on in a circle.

So for the last week or so, when I finally saw that clearly, I decided just to allow myself to be tired and apathic and not to do anything that feels forced. It seems like it's the most important thing I needed to learn before I can move on. There was inner resistance, but it seems it's slowly working, I feel calmer, less stressed out, and actually more enthusiastic to continue pursuing those goals. It's like I'm breaking free for the first time! But now comes new trouble... :o

On Saturday I was a bit tired (been at a club with friends the night before) so I decided I'd just relax, read a little, watch a movie, just be calm and still that day, sort of make a spiritual exercise of not "having" to do anything. Then my girlfriend came into the room, a bit nervous, and asked me to help her clean the appartment. In concert with my exercise, I simply said that I'm tired and I don't feel like doing it today. She said fine, and left. Since that moment she's been so cold, distant, withdrawn... I was putting up with it for almost 2 days and then I confronted her, and found out she resents me not helping her. I tried to explain that I was suffering from those "have to" thoughts and that I've been trying to distance myself from them, but I don't think she got one bit of it all, she's still angry and defiant. That's one part of the "problem".

But the real "problem" is my reaction to her anger. Ever since she became resentful, whenever she was around (cold and silent) I felt very uncomfortable, it was almost suffocating, it made me wish that she went somewhere so I could get some relief.

Is there maybe a better way to deal with my reaction to her resentfulness? I know I should just observe it, allow it to be, but it was a bit too overwhelming so I had to confront her to try to resolve the situation. These are not the "have to" thoughts to detach from, but some deep and heavy emotions. I could use some advice right now. :oops:
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
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smiileyjen101
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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by smiileyjen101 » Mon May 14, 2012 2:10 am

Not sure how helpful it will be golf, you maybe have to go through it in order to understand it.

Two thoughts popped into my head on reading your story.

1. When we are 'trying' to do something the energy is on 'trying' to achieve that which we don't believe is achievable. The energy of trying 'fails' if we succeed. Whereas if we 'do' something, there is no 'trying' about it - only 'doing'. You can google an interesting video of Tony Robbins showing this with a woman telling her to 'try' to pick up her chair... it's quite funny if you 'get it'.

2. The suffering both you and your girlfriend are experiencing is in the distance between your 'expectation' and your 'reality'.
She wanted to bend or influence your response to her request into her 'expectation' of your willingness to assist her. You wanted her to bend to your 'expectation' of her understanding your response. In both cases your 'reality' was at odds with your expectations. An understanding of this and the relative separateness of your experiences will define the 'space' between you that is the individual experiences of your relationship, or relating.

Does that make any sense?
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

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far_eastofwest
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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by far_eastofwest » Mon May 14, 2012 2:42 am

The title pretty much sums it up...
wasn't that what your gf asked?

so why didn't you help her? actually, do you want to be her 'helper', to 'help' her insinuates that its her responsibility, her job, she's in charge and you are the sidekick?
spirituality' can be used as an excuse for laziness,
yeah... you can learn how to not be affected by her 'distancing', but you will end up with no one to distance yourself from in a short time.
You share the apartment, so you share the cleaning of it.
She asked... she expected/hoped you would say 'yes'.... when you didn't she was upset
you hoped (i can't imagine you 'expecting' it, but never know) that she would be just fine and dandy doing all the cleaning while you lounged around straining yourself with the buttons of the remote control....

You are missing out on the good feeling of collaborating with your partner to get a job done, rather than sitting on you rear all day while she does it on her own - after a few years you won't be seeing a sexy gf but it will be 'mummy' there in your apartment.....
If you are tired from partying all night at a nightclub.... imagine how tired your gf will be from cleaning up the apartment all on her own?
This might be a good time to make a little list of 'responsibilities' for the two of you.... who cleans what, and how often... that way you can do your tour of duty around the apartment every weekend without her having to 'ask' and take on the 'mummy' role.
That way you can avoid a lot of 'unmet expectations' moments.

and your gf being 'a little nervous'.... how does that make you feel, that your gf is a 'a little nervous' to approach you on something that is clearly a shared responsibility between you? You could tell her you don't want to 'help' but want each of you to do your share and work that out.
Just a thought.
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....

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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by bennymo » Mon May 14, 2012 2:08 pm

Interesting experiment: First you tried your dury with resistance and got a fail. Next you tried out avoidance and failed again. Next time I suggest you try your duty without resistance and see what happens. How to do it without resistance? Just observe your resistance and what it does with your body (tensions etc.) and then decide to do it anyway, just because you have to do it. Maybe there is still resistance, but by accepting and observing it, it will decrease.

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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by Golf » Mon May 14, 2012 5:47 pm

Okay... I waited a little until things "sank in" to make my response.
smiileyjen101 wrote:you maybe have to go through it in order to understand it.
Yes, acceptance, let it be as it is, no judgment, and just observe it.
1. When we are 'trying' to do something the energy is on 'trying' to achieve that which we don't believe is achievable. The energy of trying 'fails' if we succeed. Whereas if we 'do' something, there is no 'trying' about it - only 'doing'. You can google an interesting video of Tony Robbins showing this with a woman telling her to 'try' to pick up her chair... it's quite funny if you 'get it'.
Yes I think I do! Found the video, tried with my own chair. Picked it up. Then didn't pick it up. Both worked :mrgreen:
And when I "tried" to pick it up, I found myself standing hunched abouve the chair, with my arms like I was about to use some magical power to make the chair lift up and stick to my hands, totally tensed and stuck with an "HNGHHHH....." expression on my face, it was quite silly and funny. I hope I got it!!! :lol:

But the rest of these Tony Robbins videos (five in a series - found them here: http://www.robbinsmadanestraining.com/f ... video1.php ) seem to be just the thing I needed! Thank you for sending me to find them, I spent the afternoon watching all of them, they're just amazing! :)
They are all about emotions, recognizing them and feeling them, and understanding what the other person needs... While all this time I was in my "left brain", being intellectual, analytical and logical, and it did work for me, but it clearly didn't work for her, and now I'll really try and see (and feel) what she actually needs.

Just to make a little joke to illustrate my insight: For example when we are out together, walking, suddenly she stops, her face becomes all wonder and curiosity, she points her finger to a tree with amazingly huge white flowers and says "look, magnolia!" And I'm like, "What... oh, which one?"
And me... I see a pile of metal rods on top of a building and I'm like "Look, a phased array antenna with electronic beam scanning!" and she's like "Uh...." (I'm half joking but I hope you see how funny our differences are :) )
2. The suffering both you and your girlfriend are experiencing is in the distance between your 'expectation' and your 'reality'.
She wanted to bend or influence your response to her request into her 'expectation' of your willingness to assist her. You wanted her to bend to your 'expectation' of her understanding your response. In both cases your 'reality' was at odds with your expectations. An understanding of this and the relative separateness of your experiences will define the 'space' between you that is the individual experiences of your relationship, or relating. Does that make any sense?
Yes it does to my left brain but the "feeling" approach from Tony seems like a more simple and effective way to use now! Gee, thanks again for leading me to it, I mean it.
far_eastofwest wrote:The title pretty much sums it up... wasn't that what your gf asked?
Yes, Tony Robbins videos made me see that.
so why didn't you help her? actually, do you want to be her 'helper', to 'help' her insinuates that its her responsibility, her job, she's in charge and you are the sidekick?
spirituality' can be used as an excuse for laziness,
yeah... you can learn how to not be affected by her 'distancing', but you will end up with no one to distance yourself from in a short time.
You share the apartment, so you share the cleaning of it.
She asked... she expected/hoped you would say 'yes'.... when you didn't she was upset
you hoped (i can't imagine you 'expecting' it, but never know) that she would be just fine and dandy doing all the cleaning while you lounged around straining yourself with the buttons of the remote control....
You are missing out on the good feeling of collaborating with your partner to get a job done, rather than sitting on you rear all day while she does it on her own
It seems I struck a chord in you, maybe you also know someone who behaves as a lazy male couch potato?
And yes, all your arguments are true, at least to the "reasoning adult" part of me.
But I don't think you understand what it's like to spend your childhood and youth with a hyper-critical parent. And then internalizing that critical voice and having it around commenting anything you do. And also developing a defense mechanism against it that includes withdrawal, playing dead, losing energy? And then being stuck for years in an inner conflict of continuous self-blame and withdrawal that just makes you forced, tense, anxious and just plain miserable? I'm like a sick man, that's just set himself free from 10 years of forced labor in a Russian gulag, and he's lying in a hospital hooked on IV, waiting for his body and mind to recover before he's able to do stuff again. That's why I'm practicing not "having" or "trying" to do anything. It needs to sink in before I really get moving again. Hope you understand and I'm sorry if I made you offended in any way, I know that partly my ego was saying this but I really felt that way. :oops:
after a few years you won't be seeing a sexy gf but it will be 'mummy' there in your apartment.....
You mean like "mother", or that she'll end up lying all stiff and drained out like the Egyptian one? ( just kidding! :D )
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
8)

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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by smiileyjen101 » Tue May 15, 2012 2:06 am

Glad the Robbins-Madanes stuff was helpful Golf.

In a sense it shows the notions that ET also highlights about ego making enemy, obstacle, means to an end of thing, person, situation, or in consciousness allowing acceptance, enjoyment and enthusiasm to flow into - person, situation, or thing instead. The experiences are worlds apart aren't they?

The more we allow/encourage ourselves and others to BE who they really are and appreciate them the more beautiful the world and our life is - every moment a moment of wonder - as in when you truly saw the look on your gf's face, even though the object of her wonder was not the same as would instil that in you - you re-cognised that 'feeling' of wonderment she was feeling.... and I'm guessing joy flooded your heart that she shared her moment with you (?)


Now imagine if you were in a state of making enemy, obstacle, means to an end instead of the more conscious state...
You would be 'trying' ; ) to 'get' what she was finding beautiful about something that you might not notice, it would have become a battle of 'which' is more inspiring and awesome, - instead of just seeing/sharing her joy and loving her for her uniqueness.

Ours is not to judge the path of another, but if we choose to share it, we can only be aware of our responses to that which is not 'ours'. yadda yadda acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm states of awareness.

If I may say one more thing... those states were 'present' now, as soon as you bring judgements from the past to filter things through.. you've lost presence.
Let go that which is past, in order to see more clearly now. You quickly noticed your ego reacting in your explanation to fareast... great! Kiss that little boy, shower love on him and let him go so that you may be present NOW.

There is a discussion here somewhere about ET and Tony Robbins, I enjoy both of them.

If you're unsure about what I said about the little boy, watch this one.. it's truly amazing
http://robbinsmadanescoachtraining.com/ ... m_content=
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by Golf » Wed May 16, 2012 5:12 pm

Hi smiileyjen101, thanks for your replies, having this conversation here made something really stir up inside of me, I can feel it all the time, and I feel like I have to "get it out" to be able to make some sense of it. And I think I'm better with logic and reason than with processing feelings so perhaps this post of mine will be a bit long but please don't be turned off by that.

I saw that Tony Robbins had husbands just be "present" there in front of the wives while they say anything they feel, and I clearly saw I should do that too with my GF, because I really was "absent" in my mind a lot of the time just like those guys were. So I decided to just make some time for the two of us, to actually go out on a "date" again, just the two of us somewhere alone, no movies, no friends, no "entertainment", and simply "be" together, see how that's like, and we said it'll be on friday.

But I have been with this girl for 3 years, and all of this time I've been having problems myself, with anxiety, apathy, doubt... and I think she responded to all that by withdrawing into herself as well. So I don't have many memories with her, when we really had good happy shiny time together. However I can recall some of those short "magnolia" moments, as you rightly saw, that we shared in wonder together, also when I got her to laugh, and she was amazing to me and I looked in wonder, though those moments were just glimpses... Maybe the only thing which I can say for sure is that both of us still, after all this time, want our relationship to work.

But, then I started having these nagging suspicions. Stuff that even makes me doubt again about this last thing I just said I'm sure in. Stuff like: "what if we'll be bored and if it wouldn't work and if we figured out it'd be best we weren't together after all". Ok, this thought sounds silly and is clearly of the ego.
But the emotional charge underneath it is so extremely strong, and then I get sucked into that thought and try to answer like "but I can see I want to fix my relationship with her, I'm willing to try all this without wasting time", then I'm getting doubts like "but what if I really don't want to be with her 100%, and I'm just deluding myself into thinking that because I think she would suffer if I left her..."

You see? It's HORRIBLE!!!!! :x :x :x :cry:

And all the time this sadness, heaviness, feeling of loss... this is so heavy to bear that I'm choosing to write about that feeling now instead of withdrawing into some activity to dull it again. I'm trying to see where that feeling first came from (maybe doing the same like Tony and Richaud in the video)... The earliest time I can clearly remember was when I was just few years old, I was with my grandpa on a sports court, he was talking with some friends, and there were people playing tennis. I saw a basket full of tennis balls, they were so new and clean and green yellow, I've never before seen new balls like that, and I tried to reach one through the fence just to look at it. Then some man said (probably jokingly), "Stealing balls eh? I'm gonna call the cops on you!"
At that moment I just froze inside and ran away to my grandpa. I didn't say anything to him so we staid there for at least an hour more. But all this time I was terrified that this man could go and call the cops, and that they'd take me away, never to see anyone I love again, I just watched him from afar, what he would do, if he'd go to a phone... I was soo soo scared!

So now I tried to make some sense of this feeling of helplessness and imminent threat of being "taken away from those who love me".
And I remembered... my grandpa from my dad's side (although very kind and loving to me) was in fact very possessive... When my mom was pregnant with my youger brother and I was like 1.5yrs old, he said it'd be better for him and grandma to take care of me, so my mom can just concentrate on raising the new baby, and my dad amazingly didn't stand up to grandpa (what a sissy!!!!), they "overpowered" mom and the grandparents took me from her for a while.
I don't remember any of it... but I remember my grandma confessing to my mom many years later, that I cried so hard and so long the night they took me away that she wanted to give me back but she had no power to influence grandpa in any way.

Actually I feel like crying now when I read this last sentence I wrote :cry:

And so I think these emotions that I continue to carry (and that maybe fuel all my doubts and fears) may be from this... and I'd really want to resolve this after 30 years now! Hope someone can help... :oops:
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by smiileyjen101 » Wed May 16, 2012 10:09 pm

That's really sweet that you're letting these things in to touch you Golf.

We all have these little moments full of real and imagined fears that engulf (no pun intended) us.

Let me say one thing firstly, if you read back through your post ... using the word But... negates the notion that came before it. There are two words that ring clearly that bring me back to presence.. But... and should....
But signals a resistance somewhere.
Should if applied to our own experience signals a resistance to what is - an expectation that's likely unfulfilled and therefore needs a rebalancing of expectation and reality, to change that which we can, . to accept that which we cannot change and therefore reframe our expectation.

As Anthony told that young man.. you're not two any more - your comprehension and response was perfect for a two year old, not a young man.

Both words are whoah up there alarm bells.

So if we look at your post for the alarm bells.

Lets be love in the situation of you as a baby - your mum, your grandpa, your dad, your grandma were all doing the best they knew how at the time, in the circumstances, with what they had and what they knew. It is what it is and there is much peace to be had in accepting that, changing it is not an option. Viewing it differently is an option.

Let me tell you a little story to illustrate. I was at a dinner party one night. I'm fairly 'sensitive' to the feelings and hurts of others. A woman there was telling of all the hurt and hostility and horror of her two parents who had separated fighting over her and her brother as very young children. The threats, the fights, the tug of war for the children both physically and emotionally. Two people in pain trying to 'win' an argument over someone they once loved, and in the process both hurting the children they both adored as they made their cases as to why they were the 'fit' parent. Also at the dinner table was a man whose heart was turning cold in red hot anger, both at this woman for complaining and for the world that allowed children's fragile emotional states to be carved into like rain carves out a river. What he didn't express, but what he has allowed to impact on his own life was that his parents when they separated, argued over the children too, but not in the same way. They both argued that the other could take him and his brother, they would create situations that would make it impossible for each to keep them, in a sense letting the children know that neither of them wanted to take them.

Neither of these situations can change now. But both of their sets of parents were doing their best, with what they had and what they knew. One turned the experience into being aware of their children's emotions and sensitivities, the other hardened their heart as a sole survivor whether they knew it or not hurting others before they could get hurt themselves.

You can sit with your pain as a baby, your fear as a two year old - (by the way... how are you about 'stealing' these days :wink: ) and realise .. you survived it. Just like the million other real and imagined experiences, you are still 'here'.

I like that you've taken these pebbles that you stored in your pockets and carried around all these years out of your pocket and into the light of re-cognition that the weight of them is impacting on your lightness of being.

You can choose - stuff them back in your pocket and keep carrying them - nay, justify not being all that you really are, use them as the absolute reason for anything you don't want to take response ability for, hold them to you as justification that you are unworthy of love etc add them to all the But..... sentences you've so far not included them in verbally,

or as a man look at the fears that you had as a baby, understand that abandonment is the biggest and most real threat to a baby's survival and so at the time the fear was warranted - but it did not define the baby, only the situation,

Then kiss the pebble and the baby, forgive all and set them down. If they jump back into your pocket you'll notice them by the weight and the words Should... and But..... such as when you're 'trying' to plan a nice time with your gf, smile, say, 'ah, it's you again' and love them as you would the baby that you were, while recognising you are now a grown man.

Whether your grandpa took you out of love or fear you cannot know. You cannot judge. You cannot determine the 'should' or the 'should not' of it.

If you look again at your post, notice whether it's the baby speaking in fear or the man speaking in love. Throughout your post you'll notice when a statement of love turns into one of fear.. they're the ones with ... But....

There is no thing to fear but fear itself because fear shrouds reality in something you cannot change and are not accepting.

As you've already noticed, when you choose love with your gf it's quite beautiful and you are present. I wouldn't worry about the 'no memories' often times when we're in the moment the record of it imprints in our heart, not our mind/memory. When we are in the moment there is no need to 'record' anything, 'hold onto' the memory of it for love - who we truly are - is eternal and each moment like a snowflake of individuality. To relay a memory you have to reach outside of it in order to explain it, so any memory or relaying is distorted in the process.

It's also great that you've realised that you've been avoiding being truly present and also notice when you're projecting into the future... so what if in 90 years time you get bored, you'll handle it then. That the moments have been 'glimpses' is an honest and accurate appraisal of how you have been letting the light in.

May you have many more glimpses. (PS: give that baby a kiss for me too, he's grown up just fine)
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

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far_eastofwest
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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by far_eastofwest » Thu May 17, 2012 3:04 am

hi golf.... yep, i've had the couch potatoe, and yeah, i did all the house, yard, childraising work on my own, then i decided that maybe it would be easier just to do be on my own.... so the couch is now empty... with the withdrawal of the the 'helping hand' also comes the withdrawal of emotional/physical and intellectual connection.
Think the 'date' is a great idea!

Families pass down there stuff, generation to generation, you have a grandfather who had Control over the family, over your father, your mother, so i'd guess you have some issues with discerning being 'controlled' as compared to Feeling controlled.

With the feelings of being freed from a russian camp.... well that is the thing, prisoners of war suffer post traumatic stress, from just a year or two. Children are prisoners and often have to suffer 16 or 18 years of emotional turmoil.... children can't say 'don't like it here, will get myself an apartment'.... they don't have the understanding or skills on any level, be it physical, emotional or intellectual to escape from a hostile environment.

You might like Robert Burney,http://joy2meu.com/ he is big on the Critical Parent Voice (its not always the parent, it can be any role models, even society in general). Robert is kinda a mix of everyday guy and spiritual teacher and mystic that travels to other planes (though he doesn't say too much about that on his main website).

Oh you didn't offend me, just doing my 'practical view'.
And smileyjen's comments on the buts and shoulds, yes, they are big Roadblocks... I'll put 'what ifs' in there with that lot if it ok. What if's are just critical judgemental statements (what if X happens and proves that I don't make perfect correct choices every time).
:-)
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....

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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by Golf » Sat May 19, 2012 8:04 pm

Hey you two! :)

I appreciate your "virtual" company, it's like you've really been there for me.

I had a breakthrough a little after I wrote my last post. It's been so eye-opening that I needed this time to simply process it all.
I got an idea by watching this video by Tony Robbins where he "cures" Rechaud from stuttering. And something in me really resonated with this "warrior" stuff.

So... after my last post... I felt awful and felt I had to do something, as if there was a big pressure and something needed to be let out. I decided I'd try to "do the warrior". I didn't exactly know what I'd actually do and what it would accomplish, I also didn't have any "better" ideas. I drove to a big field near a river where I believed there'd be nobody around for a mile. Then I just sat in the car and hesitated. After some 30 minutes I grew tired of hesitating and thought, "let's just do this warrior and go home". So I exited the car, stretched out my arms, and let out a huge scream... AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

And the scream was so loud, and in that moment, something in me was like, "WOW!", and instantly I knew (saw, heard), that I was not a little boy anymore.
I let out a few more screams, until my throat got a bit sore, and hammered the car seat with my fist (hope nobody saw or heard that :mrgreen: )... But it was just raw power, there was no anger in it at all, it was like "flapping wings" in Eckhart's story of the ducks.
And all this heaviness, anxiety and sadness in me... I still don't feel like all happy and energetic, It's still there, but there is some "space" around it now, and it doesn't matter as much as before. Like in A New Earth in the story of a woman with a heavy pain body. I read this stuff so many times before and it worked now!

And this realization that I'm now a grown man just made me "drop" so many of my habitual patterns of a small scared boy. For example I asked the waiter in a cafe if he would wipe the table clean, and before I'd be all uncomfortable, as if he could get offended, and I'd hesitate (like a little boy)...
I stopped being nervous when paying at the cashier and putting stuff into bags, when there are people waiting behind me.
I stopped being edgy or angry when someone is tailgating me, I just look calmly for the first chance to move out of his way.
These are just some of the changes I noticed during these few days (there are quite a few more)...

I'm still a little "lazy" and "apathic" but it also isn't that much of a "problem" as it was... Maybe I'll become a bit more "energetic" in time, too.
My GF and I, we were making each other laugh with funny jokes, I was helping in the kitchen a little and stuff is a bit more relaxed than it was before. Although I still seem to be in a mood where I prefer solitude and reflection most of the time.
There has been also a change in how my ego operates... before it was fearful, now it feels a little "proud"... But he ain't so scary or so bad, we'll "deal" with him yet ;)

So, I'm still processing it, it's causing my behavior to change for the better it seems, we'll see how it goes!
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
8)

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smiileyjen101
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Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by smiileyjen101 » Sun May 20, 2012 1:12 am

I appreciate your "virtual" company, it's like you've really been there for me.
Yeh we're the warrior women tag team downunder :shock:

Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly and immediately. We've all dropped pebbles into the lake of awareness here. I love your story.. I love stories full stop. But the nuances you included are absolute gems - the hesitation and the 'secrecy' of finding a field somewhere.. what .. you scared now someone will think you've lost your mind? :lol: Welcome to my world, after a while you'll learn to just let that 'be' too. What others think of you is really none of your business.

What you did golf, and how you did it is 'perfect'. Emotions are not our enemy, if we can really BE with them until we know their power intimately, then we can recognise them in the future without holding on to them or distorting them or explaining them away. We can let them have their time, to wake us back up into being, and let them pass through.

Psychiatrist & death and dying expert Elisabeth Kubler Ross well knew how to work with 'unfinished business' - the pebbles in our pockets that some would carry around with them limiting their life until they were facing death. She used to set up a room for folks to scream and yell and bash pillows... all those stored emotions not allowed to give expression in their pure and instant-rise-fall nature. Indeed we are the only species that appears to do this.


I love that you've noticed the difference in kindness, in grace and in speaking your truth, or letting others be as they are, with awareness of the quality of it.
There has been also a change in how my ego operates... before it was fearful, now it feels a little "proud"... But he ain't so scary or so bad, we'll "deal" with him yet
The ego is not our enemy - it's a bit like our immune system, it goes into battle when it thinks we're in trouble and can't handle the situation. This subtle change is more you and your ego saying -.. okay, we can calm down a bit now, we can do this. I love that you put 'proud' in inverted commas, it shows to me that you've 'noticed' there is a different timbre to the feeling/emotions, its not a distortion of the nature of recognising achievement - it's not saying you're better than anyone else (and therefore distorting into projection and judging), it's merely recognising a positive shift of balance within. It's not a means to an end, nor an enemy or obstacle, it just is.

This difference is hard to convey because so many of the natural emotions and states of awareness have been demonised by those who would rather we weren't our full, open, loving warriors of being. That state is neither fearful nor vengeful, but it is immensely powerful.

It is the power of our creation aware in each moment that it renews itself, unchained, unshackled and undistorted.... yum...

There is one area that if I don't mention I'm pretty sure fareast will.... you were not 'helping' in the kitchen you were (hopefully) working WITH your girlfriend, not FOR her.

Now that you know you are a grown man you can drop the mummy/daddy/teacher's 'little helper' tag that probably used to get you thanks without acknowledgement of your response ability in a grown up sense.

Your girlfriend will appreciate having a 'man' around, in the kitchen or wherever, as her equal, not as her helper. Man up and just do whatever needs doing, when it needs doing, the same way you recognised that the person able to clean the table in the cafe was the waiter - unless you're paying your gf to clean up after you or have a fairly negotiated and agreed distribution of duties.

It's all up for re-noticing and re-negotiating now. You can't turn off the warrior now. :wink:
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen

Golf
Posts: 54
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 4:44 pm

Re: In need of a little help right now...

Post by Golf » Mon May 21, 2012 10:21 am

smiileyjen101 wrote: what .. you scared now someone will think you've lost your mind? :lol: Welcome to my world, after a while you'll learn to just let that 'be' too. What others think of you is really none of your business.

What you did golf, and how you did it is 'perfect'. Emotions are not our enemy, if we can really BE with them until we know their power intimately, then we can recognise them in the future without holding on to them or distorting them or explaining them away. We can let them have their time, to wake us back up into being, and let them pass through.

Psychiatrist & death and dying expert Elisabeth Kubler Ross well knew how to work with 'unfinished business' - the pebbles in our pockets that some would carry around with them limiting their life until they were facing death. She used to set up a room for folks to scream and yell and bash pillows... all those stored emotions not allowed to give expression in their pure and instant-rise-fall nature. Indeed we are the only species that appears to do this.
Well yes, I thought it might confuse or unsettle people, seeing a guy in the middle of the field, screaming. What would their minds think? So I looked for a more remote field. :D
Or maybe they'd just be amused, guess it depends!

So, I have "seen" that I'm a man and not a boy and that's great. But I'm still trying to understand, what it was exactly that I "did" with the emotions themselves. Feeling the heaviness. Needing to scream. I was trying to compare the experience with the story of a woman in A New Earth (p. 100) because it seems the "effect" was similar as in the book, feeling "space" and that it matters less.

I still have this heaviness, laziness, apathy. Less than before, but still present. It often bothers me, makes me feel "stuck" in my situation. I'm trying to observe the emotions, without thinking, but I don't seem to make further progress.
Perhaps the scream was powerful enough to make my mind silent for a moment, and then an insight came. Or it was an "allowing" of the emotions, to be and to express themselves as they are.
Perhaps the woman in the book had Eckhart Tolle there beside her, and his presence and guidance helped make her mind more silent to feel the emotions.

I don't seem to be able to just choose to sit and feel these deep heavy feelings within, that I still carry. It's like my mind is too active, maybe even subconsciously.
It's almost like, it's always active trying to cover up the emotions, to push them back deeper.
Maybe I should get myself a pillow and prepare for another scream? :mrgreen:
"If you're so smart, how come you're working at a gas station?"
-"It's a service station. We offer service, there is no higher purpose."
8)

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