Relationship and sharing

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)
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Lazypoet
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Relationship and sharing

Post by Lazypoet » Fri May 17, 2013 8:00 pm

Why is it difficult for me to share my objects of clothing with my same sex boyfriend?

Let me express my thoughts
- my clothes have a special part in identity construct
- fear of being used for material gain
- egoistic identification with objects, "identification with form".

Any tips for how to overcome such a situation? Is it all ego, should we be ok to share everything always as enlightened beings?

Lots of love,

Christoffer

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rideforever
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by rideforever » Fri May 17, 2013 11:13 pm

Why do you want to ? (if you don't want to)
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Lazypoet
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Lazypoet » Sat May 18, 2013 10:32 am

I want to be able to share things without the stress of over-thinking it I guess. I guess I feel this is essential in a relationship?

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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Lazypoet » Sat May 18, 2013 12:08 pm

I want to be ok with it so that we have a natural flow in the relationship that doesnt get obstructed by drama about objects :)

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Onceler
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Onceler » Sat May 18, 2013 12:44 pm

You don't like sharing. A natural human instinct. There's probably a good reason either currently, you have observed that your partner wrecks his stuff, or from your past. You seem to be looking for a spiritual answer to a human problem......that you need to transcend this problem. As ride suggests, do you? Is it a problem?
Be present, be pleasant.

Lazypoet
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Lazypoet » Sat May 18, 2013 5:47 pm

Isn't that kind of the opposite from what Eckhart teaches. To not try to change negative thoughts that create drama?

So for instance, if I accept fully that I don't want to share.

Then I am accepting the egoistic state of mind which says my objects are mine and are there to fullfill me and make me whole.

If I just become still and accept that I want my stuff for myself. It still wont help when he tries to borrow my new pants.. drama arises again. And so I will not be peaceful until this has been transformed into something else.

Am I completely off here?

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rideforever
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by rideforever » Sat May 18, 2013 7:19 pm

A relationship is very human thing ... you have to deal with it in human terms ... so there is always a big thing about boundaries, about sharing yourself and your things, you want your partner to understand you ... to understand your needs ... to experience what you experience ... that's a relationship.

So, do that. Explain to him, talk to him, dance with him ... share or not share ...

This pain and discomfort, this very difficulty of communicating across these difficulties, the trouble and the resolution ... this is the relationship. This is why you do it.

Escape ? Where to ... if a relationship didn't have difficulties what's the point.

So, it is difficult to express to someone else what you feel, what you need, what you will do, what you won't do, what you like ... letting someone in.

And ... it's a live situation. Maybe they won't like it ... but still ... this is the journey. It's alive. If not, what's the point ?

This isn't a spiritual thing.

Negativity though ... it's good to watch that in yourself, and be positive ... dance a bit more. You know, real love, real tenderness cuts across all these problems.

And .... you have to take risks.

The one who doesn't take risks is the mind, who likes things to not change - to feel secure. But HAZARD is the very nature of relationships ...

And ... jump in.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

Taylor-C
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Taylor-C » Sun May 19, 2013 11:01 am

A clip by Adyashanti - perfect for this situation perhaps ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iPaeU_FJEs

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treasuretheday
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by treasuretheday » Sun May 19, 2013 1:20 pm

Lazypoet wrote:Then I am accepting the egoistic state of mind which says my objects are mine and are there to fullfill me and make me whole.
Geesh! 30 lashes with a wet noodle! Sounds to me like you have imposed a rather harsh imperitive to be a good, noble, always cheerful sharer of pants! Maybe If you accept that this is where you are on the issue, there can just be this preference you have for keeping your clothes to yourself. One day you may actually find it endearing, charming, & flattering that your significant other wants to share your britches. Or maybe you won't...

I bet you are a generous, giving, loving partner in many ways. Can you find it in your heart to be kind to yourself? It wouldn't be selfish, you know. It's very unselfish, as then the love of your true nature flows outward.

You don't have to like the ego and its ways. Just accept it as part of the human condition. Give yourself some slack. Forgive, allow, accept and be kind...to yourself as well as others. Doing something, having something, enjoying something on your own, of your own (maybe something as simple as a new pair of pants) does not mean you are failing to be a loyal, kind, desirable, loving mate. You can be living from your "true self" rather than the egoic mind, and still speak & act on your own behalf!

We all have our conditioning! No couple is going to agree about the meaning or import of everything 24/7. Even bonafide, slam-dunk soul mates, linked by the happily-ever-after mojo of Match.com, don't see eye-to-eye about everything! That's the fun of it! Would be SO boring to live with our clone!

Lazypoet, may you experience lots of fun, love & growth through this relationship--(no matter who is wearing the newest pants at any given moment!).
Life itself is the proper binge.
-Julia Child

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rideforever
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by rideforever » Sun May 19, 2013 2:31 pm

I posted something about Adyashanti earlier. Now it has disappeared ??
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small

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Donna
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Donna » Mon May 20, 2013 3:34 am

Lazypoet wrote:Why is it difficult for me to share my objects of clothing with my same sex boyfriend?
I try to put myself in your shoes. Oops, may I borrow them for a minute? haha...

Why not, for the moment, honor yourself and admit that you just do not want to share your clothing? You do not owe an explanation to anyone, not even to yourself really. If one is required, you or the other person are just trying to find a problem with your request only because somehow you have created a standard of what an enlightened being ought to behave like.

If you constantly cave in to what you think is the appropriate or "enlightened" behavior instead of what is the authentic behavior, you are missing out on the journey and wanting to already be at the destination...which is an illusion.
Lazypoet wrote:Let me express my thoughts
- my clothes have a special part in identity construct
- fear of being used for material gain
- egoistic identification with objects, "identification with form".
Do you truly feel this way or are you slapping an Eckhart Tolle designer label on your clothing? To become aware of our behavior as it arises is a good thing, but don't feel you have to over-analyze yourself. One day something may click...most likely when you may see the other for who they truly are. I will leave that up to you. When that happens much of what you describe above as your "thoughts" will just fall away.

All of us need to practice how to honor ourselves in any given moment, especially when we deal with sensitive issues in our relationships. When we make requests, it's important to be compassionate and express our needs with love. That is the best you can do. How the other person responds is owned by them. Your partner also has an opportunity here to learn to accept and honor your request without judgement and without taking it personally.
~*~*~*~* I love to live and live to love. *~*~*~*~

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smiileyjen101
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by smiileyjen101 » Wed May 22, 2013 4:55 am

See my tagline... it goes both ways :D

:idea: If you want to wear 'shared' clothes, buy them together, or sort clothes into three piles - his, yours, ours.
:D
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com

Lazypoet
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Lazypoet » Wed May 22, 2013 1:18 pm

Donna wrote:
Lazypoet wrote:Why is it difficult for me to share my objects of clothing with my same sex boyfriend?
I try to put myself in your shoes. Oops, may I borrow them for a minute? haha...

Why not, for the moment, honor yourself and admit that you just do not want to share your clothing? You do not owe an explanation to anyone, not even to yourself really. If one is required, you or the other person are just trying to find a problem with your request only because somehow you have created a standard of what an enlightened being ought to behave like.

If you constantly cave in to what you think is the appropriate or "enlightened" behavior instead of what is the authentic behavior, you are missing out on the journey and wanting to already be at the destination...which is an illusion.
Lazypoet wrote:Let me express my thoughts
- my clothes have a special part in identity construct
- fear of being used for material gain
- egoistic identification with objects, "identification with form".
Do you truly feel this way or are you slapping an Eckhart Tolle designer label on your clothing? To become aware of our behavior as it arises is a good thing, but don't feel you have to over-analyze yourself. One day something may click...most likely when you may see the other for who they truly are. I will leave that up to you. When that happens much of what you describe above as your "thoughts" will just fall away.

All of us need to practice how to honor ourselves in any given moment, especially when we deal with sensitive issues in our relationships. When we make requests, it's important to be compassionate and express our needs with love. That is the best you can do. How the other person responds is owned by them. Your partner also has an opportunity here to learn to accept and honor your request without judgement and without taking it personally.
Wow.. I feel undeserving of such an amazing feedback..! I am left with a space where there used to be thoughts about this. I think I might have been over-thinking it a bit. My main 'problem', if I can call it that, is the tone of my reaction once he wears something that is mine. With a change, where I can make a positive no instead of a negative no, I might be taken more seriously about having my clothes for myself. Or maybe we will meet each other halfway. It didnt even occur to me to think about me having my clothes for myself, cause I'm a very selfless person in general.

THANKS :) Hope maybe I brought some light unto others with similar issues with this question. That would be wonderful.

I would love to have more spiritual friends, but I guess that is a thought-form/ego too.. (Overthinking again)

LOVE,

Chris

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Donna
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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by Donna » Thu May 23, 2013 2:15 pm

Chris, when you say "undeserving"...gosh all of us are so deserving of each other!

Ultimately, there is no separation. For Now, the unmanifested has the opportunity to reflect, to dance with manifested form through its instances...us.

Although difficult to maintain ALL the time, when we see this in each other...wow...beautiful.

Spiritual can be just another label. Why not whoever is in your view be *that*?
~*~*~*~* I love to live and live to love. *~*~*~*~

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Re: Relationship and sharing

Post by heidi » Thu May 23, 2013 7:50 pm

Respect for personal boundaries is the key to healthy relationships; that and compromise. ;-) If you don't want to share your clothes, you certainly don't have to. Or if there are certain favorite items that are yours exclusively, there is no meanness in telling your partner they are off limits. If he doesn't ask and just wears your stuff, you need to make clear that that's not fair or acceptable. If you feel like you have to share, that seems codependent to me, as you might feel your partner won't like you if you are clear about your boundaries. Here's an idea - you have your exclusive closet, he has his, and then there's the sharing closet or drawer. If he's the one who does the laundry it's easier to see why he uses your stuff. If there's something he really wants that's yours, what a perfect surprise gift to give, either the exact item or one just like it. HTH
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