Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfriend

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Spectrum
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Spectrum » Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:59 pm

NinjaBird wrote:Life is absolutely unbearable. I really can't go on and continue to live. I just want to escape the horrors of this world forever.

My life is entirely defined by whether I am good enough to get a hot girlfriend. Nothing else matters.

I am a nerd, and hate myself for it. Girls don't like me, and I hate myself for it.

It's paralyzing when you have a massive world around you that constantly tells you that you are not good enough.

I want to die.
Hi, NinjaBird. Evidently you are experiencing serious pain these days. When I have periods where I feel serious pain, I benefit from advice like the following:
rideforever wrote:You want a way out ? Ok, I will tell you how.

Within you you have this discontent, this envy, this anger. GO INTO IT.

That is where the Treasure is.

Everything else is wasted time.

...

So ... what do you think your negativity wants ? What do you think it is doing ?

It is trying to help you. Inside all that negativity is your tunnel out of here.

Do not ignore it ... go into it, be with it, breathe it ... let it roll into you ... and accept it - meaning cry scream lie on the floor and feel you are dying ... dive into it.

This is the way out.
More in this thread if it resonates with you: http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth ... =4&t=11679

Good luck with it. :)

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Zazen
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Zazen » Tue Aug 13, 2013 1:52 pm

Actually, approaching strangers is a great way do destroy(a part of) your ego. A primary advice which many of those coaches give is to ruin your "self image" at the beginning of the night, and you will flow into state. Something kind of clicks with Eckharts teaching, doesn't it ?
whenever I use direct game I'm just laughed at
Ruin your ego, be laughed at, but at least be sincere and express your real intention towards a girl. No wonder you end up in the friend-zone later on. Suppressed behavior, which is manipulated in order to get a particular reaction from somebody, is a way in which the ego manifests and is just very unpleasant for others. Imagine someone pretending to be your friend at collage, but in reality all he wants is to get help at the exams.
One of the main elements I've found useful in those self development and dating teachers is to express yourself without filters. If you are afraid to speak up, you have to face your anxiety by : 1. fully feeling it, in your body( as if you would feel a wave of pleasure in your body, just allow it to take you over with the same attitude, but stay as the witness) 2. doing something about it, which is in your case approaching strangers, or public speaking or whatever 3. don't let it get to your thoughts, or rather don't identify with the thoughts that come(because you can't control the mind) aka stay centered in presence
there is no "God mode"
I have actually experienced god mode myself, when I ruined my self image at the start of the night. Once there is no ego to come back to, or filter what you say, you feel very free( similar to alcohol, but not dizzy).
I'm posting not necessarily because I want help with approaching girls, but because I need to come to peace with myself
Well, now you are addicted to suffering. You like it, in a way, and keep fueling it with your thoughts.
So if peace is really your priority, stay centered in presence, don't give so much attention to your mind. Go for a walk at sunset and try to look at nature, or the people and stay as presence. Listen to the silence, can you hear it ? Silence without = silence within.
Yes, it's obvious that I live in the world of ego, but I know no other world
The ego only sees ego. What judges others is the "judge" in yourself. Ever wonder why does your attention only focuses on the ego, I mean there are a lot of good things in this world too ? Jump out of the collective low energy swamp of negativity, stop watching tv, don't stay at the pc all day, go out and manifest your desire of meeting people.
I'm a physics major, I've published 2 scientific papers, one of which I'm first author. I'll be a senior yet only 19 years old. I play violin and viola, I compose classical music, I've written 2 string quartets. It's pretty egoic of me to list this irrelevant information, but my worldly successes are the only thing that validate my reason for existing.
You clearly have access to a deeper dimension to be able to do all these things. I know that solving even so called logical problems requires a lot of creativity, in spite of what people think, because I'm also in a similar field.
Of course I'm worried about the outcome: why would I even talk to the girl in the first place? And getting rejected, flaked on, or friend-zoned is the way things flow "naturally."
Take things easier, why read into things that ARE NOT REAL ???
You want to talk to her because you want to meet her, it's really that simple.
She rejects you because she does not like you, it's that simple.
You get friend zoned because your intention is not clear. What is so hard about this ?

You want to develop more social intuition, read people and create attraction, well this are things that you have to practice. You can be enlightened and not very good socially. So put yourself out there and practice, if this is what you want right now, instead of finding excuses.

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Onceler
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Onceler » Tue Aug 13, 2013 5:24 pm

NinjaBird wrote:Life is absolutely unbearable. I really can't go on and continue to live. I just want to escape the horrors of this world forever.

My life is entirely defined by whether I am good enough to get a hot girlfriend. Nothing else matters.

I am a nerd, and hate myself for it. Girls don't like me, and I hate myself for it.

It's paralyzing when you have a massive world around you that constantly tells you that you are not good enough.

I want to die.
I suggest you get some help from a wise person in real life, not virtual advice. Seek a wise friend or professional help. It seems to me that your thinking is seriously distorted and you would benefit from someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectic behavioral therapy which incorporates mindfulness. With professional assistance you can begin testing the validity of painful thoughts like, "I need a hot girlfriend.

Hope things work out.
Be present, be pleasant.

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ashley72
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by ashley72 » Tue Aug 20, 2013 6:21 am

The solution I'm about to offer you is something very radical.

First, something about me....I'm a recovering agoraphobic, for this reason I have some unusual insights into what it is like to experience unpleasant sensations in the most unlikely of places.

It is very normal for a person to experience unpleasant sensations when they do something novel, like going out on their first date with the opposite sex.

In the case of, agoraphobia (the disorder which inflicted me) a confident and outgoing person can unexpectedly start experiencing unpleasant sensations for no apparent reason, in places and situations which were previously benign.

The knowledge I want to pass on to you.... comes from my own personal experience of working through unpleasant sensations.

Ok. Lets look at your situation:

You are not afraid of having a girlfriend... because it is something you want.

You are afraid of the sensations that having a girlfriend may bring. This is because an unpleasant sensation has arisen around achieving you goal of having a girlfriend... to protect yourself from experiencing these unpleasant sensations you are holding on to strong thoughts (beliefs) associated with not being able to have a girlfriend. These thoughts/beliefs are irrational... but they arise because they're protecting you from experiencing these unpleasant sensations again.

Next time you think about a girl you would like to date... try and accept any sensation that may come up. More than likely you're experiencing unpleasant sensations in respect to the goal of getting a girlfriend.

All the negative thoughts that arise, are designed to protect you from the unpleasant sensations of reaching the goal. In other words, negative thoughts lead to short term pleasant sensations (avoidance), positive thoughts lead to short term negative sensations (confrontation). Its a double bind my friend! :?

Therefore, to be able to hold onto the positive thought "I'm worthy of a girlfriend" you're going to have to get used to the unpleasant sensations that arise when holding this positive thought. By doing this you will become more strongly attached to this positive thought.

A positive affirmation is useless unless the thinker of the positive affirmation is able to accept the physical sensations that go with that affirmation.

Some more Examples:

If I want to be a boxer... there are a range of physical sensations I'm going to have to embrace & accept in order to step into a boxing ring.

If I want to speak in public... I may experience some unpleasant sensations in preparing or walking up to the speakers podium. Self defeating thoughts naturally arise to protect you from experiencing these unpleasant sensations. But as any good public speaker will verify, unpleasant sensations get easier to handle the more often you speak in public.

Well likewise, having a physical relationship with the opposite sex introduces you to arrange of new physical sensations that you will need to accept and embrace for that relationship to flourish. Everyone remembers the unpleasant sensations they had when they first asked someone out on a date. But over time those unpleasant sensations became less of an issue.

Are you Ready for your new SENSATIONAL life?

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BigIslandHI
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by BigIslandHI » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:00 am

if the environment seems to be the cause of the suffering, then why dont you change environments? you think you get something from the universe for nothing?
Aloha. I live on the Big Island of Hawaii. I don't know anyone who attempts to follow the teachings Eckhart shares. I would like to. If you live here or are just visiting, pm me :)

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ekidhardt
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by ekidhardt » Sat Aug 31, 2013 2:27 am

Hey dude,

I'm a nerd--I figured out how to get girls.

Actually, what's funny is that once I figured it all out--I no longer want a girlfriend :) hah, full circle right?

Anyway, here's how to do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER
Ok, first I'm not going to dive into irrational philosophical advice which has been tossed at you by the boatload. Most importantly are things that are doable. It's like telling someone who is starving "hey, just don't want food, and you won't be starving!"


My lecture to virtually all of you answering

To all of you here--wise as you all believe to be--reality check time. What you're failing to do is empathize. You're projecting your ridiculously improbable philosophies onto someone who CANNOT digest them. He wants a girlfriend and believes that will be the answer to his life. You're not going to convince him otherwise. He doesn't want to philosophize--he wants a girlfriend and a path to get there. The rest of the advice is close to useless.

What you're all missing as well, is that you are all projecting what you would do, as you are NOW if you were in his place, and almost entirely fail to realize that he is not you, doesn't understand the things you do, is not your age, and has clearly limited experiences. The way you are now, is a construct of your experiences and influences over time---how you got where you were, was through identification, rationalization, internalization etc---it was a mountain of bad experiences and decisions which made you introspect and self reflect. Me too.

He needs those experiences. You want results? Don't lecture him on changing his needs, invalidating his desires and not offering anything but existential support. And if you haven't noticed (clearly), advisers, its your own ego that's failing you to see the issue, and your own idealization that's failing to have perspective and provide useful information.

I could really go on and on about the poor advice given here. Lord. Ashley72, seriously? really? good lord. Why not just dig him a deeper hole yourself?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright---Mr. Ninja, lets do this.

First--I am single. I get girls. I'm also a nerd (I'm a network admin) And a professional salsa dancer (secret weapon). I do this every day. I'm not an old person telling you that your path or interests aren't going to make you happy. Who knows! I don't really care if the girlfriend you get doesn't make you happy--the goal is to get a girlfriend, after that, then figure out the rest.

You want concrete, fool-proof way to get girls? Here you go.

Do this, you WILL have a girlfriend. Appeal to their egos. Tolle'ism weaponized!

1. Get a 6 pack. Get in SUPER good shape. All jacked guys have boatloads of girls. google how to do it. You could look like the crypt keeper, but if you're jacked--girls will be everywhere. Do the p90x.
2. If you have funky teeth--get braces.
3. DO SALSA. I'm the token white guy. All you do is deal with attractive girls all day long. Just trust me. Sounds
crazy--but I'm a white guy from Maine who was told could never dance. Until I did...and won..and several world championships later.. :) Your brain will serve you.
4. ALWAYS smell good. Always have good breath.
5. Stay well groomed. Shower.
6. SOCIALIZE: join a group of any kind. You need social skills in order to understand social cues. This is done through experience.

That's a sure good start. Do any of them and results will happen.

After that, then try to swallow some of the pompous, bloated philosophical advice provided above. :)

It'll happen. Do 1-6.

-e

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Clouded
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Clouded » Sat Aug 31, 2013 3:10 am

ekidhardt, you could have offered your answers in a more respectful manner, this is after all a spiritual board so one would expect to find spiritual answers. If NinjaBird wanted to know how to score "hot chicks", then he should have posted on dating boards instead. This is no place for you to poke fun at people who are trying to help. NinjaBird came here because he wanted spiritual advice and he got what he asked for.

Here's some advice from a girl's perspective. If you find the girl attractive, chances are that others will find her attractive as well, so you have some competition going on. Ask yourself, what will make you stand out from her other suitors? What is special and unique about you? What will make her remember YOU? If she's equally as shallow, she will choose you based on your looks alone but clearly, you are not that good looking. Fine, go to the gym, whatever. By the time you get a six pack, that girl might already be in a romantic relationship with someone else.

I'd say stop searching for a "hot girl" and find yourself someone who you can connect with in a less superficial level. That "hot girl" can turn out to be a total pain in the butt. Stop trying to improve your image. You are creating unnecessary pain upon yourself because you want others to think that you're some sort of perfect dude who has everything going on for him.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Spectrum
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Spectrum » Sat Aug 31, 2013 11:39 am

ekidhardt wrote:1. Get a 6 pack. Get in SUPER good shape. All jacked guys have boatloads of girls. google how to do it. You could look like the crypt keeper, but if you're jacked--girls will be everywhere. Do the p90x.
...
3. DO SALSA. I'm the token white guy. All you do is deal with attractive girls all day long. Just trust me. Sounds
crazy--but I'm a white guy from Maine who was told could never dance. Until I did...and won..and several world championships later.. :) Your brain will serve you.
What if he hates to exercise and hates dancing? How then is he supposed to endure the months or years of painful hard work with no guarantee of any payoff? After all, he has no reason to believe that your advice will work any better than all the other advice he has been getting.

Spectrum
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Spectrum » Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:03 pm

Clouded wrote:I'd say stop searching for a "hot girl" and find yourself someone who you can connect with in a less superficial level. That "hot girl" can turn out to be a total pain in the butt.
I'd like to comment on this.

(In the following, I will assume that my limited life experience is true for men in general. I am not a wise man, so everything I say might be wrong. Take it for what it's worth.)

What you are saying here is typical of the kind of answers women give to these questions. As far as I understand, you are assuming that his desire for a "hot girl" is a kind of learned snobbery that he can choose to drop. In my experience, that is not true. Women seem to generally not understand how important beauty is to us men. Our desire for a beautiful woman is not something we can just drop. We cannot choose to not desire a beautiful woman.

I have been in a relationship with a girl who was (in my eyes) extremely beautiful and sexy. I have also been in a relationship with a girl who was not physically attractive to me. The difference is IMMENSE. It is a completely different experience.

Sure, a man can give up and settle for an unattractive woman, but that doesn't make the longing go away. In my experience, men's longing for a beautiful woman is something fundamental, something that doesn't go away. You may call it superficial, but it is still real.

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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by magicbutterfly » Sun Sep 01, 2013 4:02 pm

Sometimes the longing is all we get. Women also long for a "hot" man: attractive, successful, intelligent, who loves us and treats us well. He can choose the longing or having a girlfriend. We've all seen the t-shirt with a picture of a skeleton sitting on a bench with a sign that says: "waiting for the perfect woman". And of course she is waiting for the perfect man. If he spends more time working on himself, focusing on his career, women will be attracted to him. Nothing turns a woman off more than desperation.
Like I said before - find a friendly, older woman who can teach him about sex and women. Pay her and ask her to be his wingwoman. Meanwhile, focus on his career.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

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Clouded
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Clouded » Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:22 am

Well, aren't all desires a product of thoughts? You can just stop identifying with the idea of finding a hot girlfriend? I know this goes both ways, women can be just as superficial as men but physical attractiveness is not the most important prerequisite on our "perfect partner" check list, whereas for men I think it is. So you say that it's important for men to have a female partner who is pleasant to look at. But physical beauty is not eternal. At least most salaries don't drastically change for the worse and some personalities stay relatively the same but ALL looks do fade, no exceptions.That woman will with time become old and wrinkled and not as attractive as she once used to be. Will she no longer be worth your love and attention? Will you no longer be capable of desiring her so you'll have to resort into approaching a younger more attractive woman and just forget about her cause she ain't pretty anymore? If a guy decides to date me because he thinks I'm hot and then let's say that I get into an accident *knock on wood* and I am left disfigured, will he leave because the only reason he was interested in me in the first place was because I was some sort of eye candy for him? Haha my ego really does sound like a man hater, I guess that experience has made me this way.

I guess that's why women do not understand why beauty is to so important to men, it's not here to stay. Some of us fear that men will eventually leave us for another, I think that's why women are jealous of other women, it's always a competition between us for who gets the most attention.
"If you want to know what your were like in the past, look at your body today. If you want to know what your body will be like in the future, look at your thoughts today." -Deepak

Spectrum
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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Spectrum » Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:45 pm

Clouded wrote:Well, aren't all desires a product of thoughts? You can just stop identifying with the idea of finding a hot girlfriend? I know this goes both ways, women can be just as superficial as men but physical attractiveness is not the most important prerequisite on our "perfect partner" check list, whereas for men I think it is. So you say that it's important for men to have a female partner who is pleasant to look at. But physical beauty is not eternal. At least most salaries don't drastically change for the worse and some personalities stay relatively the same but ALL looks do fade, no exceptions.That woman will with time become old and wrinkled and not as attractive as she once used to be. Will she no longer be worth your love and attention? Will you no longer be capable of desiring her so you'll have to resort into approaching a younger more attractive woman and just forget about her cause she ain't pretty anymore?
That is a good question. And it is a question I struggle with. In fact, a very large part of the anxiety I feel can be traced back to this issue.

Today, I feel a strong need to have a beautiful girl in my life (or, even better, more than one). I also notice that I find myself vastly more attracted to younger girls than to women of my own age or above. I am 28, and with a few exceptions, 28-year-old women generally look old and unattractive to my eyes.

Meanwhile, I see lots of girls of 15-17 who are extremely beautiful and sexy. This thought is painful to me, because I believe that I can never ever have them because it would be socially unacceptable to even try. (I am not saying that I want a relationship with a 15-year-old girl. In the long term I do not believe I would want that. But it pains me that I will (probably) never get the chance to experience what it would be like.)

Sooner or later I want to have a permanent relationship with one woman. But the thought of her growing old scares me. Even if I find the most beautiful girl in the world, will I still be able to be attracted to her when she is 40? 50? 60?

I hope that my conclusion (in my last post) is wrong. I hope that I can and will learn to see beauty in mature women. I hope that my obsession with beauty and youth is something that I will be able to get over. But I don't trust that I will, and it scares me to death.

That is one of the main reasons why I feel so much anxiety and fear. A part of me believes that I am in a hurry. A part of me believes that I have only a few precious years of youth left before I will be stuck forever in "middle age", and that hence I need to hurry up and get those sexual experiences that are only possible in youth, before I grow so old that I've missed the chance forever and will be left to regret my missed opportunity for the rest of my life.

I want to believe that I can have great sexual experiences, with incredibly attractive women, throughout my life. I want VERY MUCH to believe that.

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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by karmarider » Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:54 am

Spectrum,

You have some very mixed-up ideas about women and relationships and beauty.

It sounds like you've adapted ideas from magazines.

Think for yourself. Consider that the mainstream standard of physical beauty for a woman varies vastly from culture to culture and time to time. You probably live in a western country--consider that a model in 1950's looked very different from one today. At a certain time in China, a small foot, even if diseased from wrapping, was considered beautiful. Today, the idea of beauty for many is near-anorexia.

And you're getting some mixed up advice here. Getting six pack abs and becoming a salsa champion just to attract women is only marginally sillier than the advice that when you know you really are, spiritual babes will fall all over you in a tangled mess.

Snap out of it.

The only six pack I have is in the referigerator. I trip over the word salsa. I am not atheletic. I am 54, a grandfather, short and fat, and I have no trouble attracting relationships with women when I want to.

Relating to women (and the world in general) is a skill, and like any other skill, possibly the way to be build the skill is to clear the mind and actually experience relationships. You might say that that's exactly what you're trying to do--that you're trying to get a relationship. I suggest to you that you are not trying to get a relationship at all. You're just thinking mixed up thoughts which you've picked up from the outside.

Look into Conversations with God. It has the best discourse on relationships that I've seen. Relationships are not just the interpersonal ones; everything we experience in the physical world is a relationship. And relationships are easy and enjoyable when you understand that relationships are your opportunity to experience (the highest version) of yourself, in relation to whatever's going on.

Your "spiritual plan" is fine. Look into Sherman and EFT and whatever else you were going to. Use your intuition, don't fool yourself.

On a practical level, try dating sites. But get clear about your ideas about human beings. You are trying to relate to other human beings. Not magazine pictures.

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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by Onceler » Tue Sep 03, 2013 4:31 am

Whoa.....you nailed it brother.
Be present, be pleasant.

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Re: Enormous distress from not being able to get a girlfrien

Post by magicbutterfly » Tue Sep 03, 2013 5:26 am

Also, the reason you are in pain is because you are living in the future. Focus on the now, and then each person you see, smile at, say hello to, speak to is someone you are having a relationship with however brief. And while you are relating, try to increase your presence. You will find value in every person. And that's sexy. No more pain.
"As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease." Ekhart Tolle, The Power of Now

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