Not getting what you want

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fortune
Posts: 135
Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:25 am

Not getting what you want

Post by fortune » Sun Nov 17, 2013 6:36 am

I know it's ego nature to never be satisfied, how do i deal with not getting what i want? People tend to want all areas of their lives to be healthy for example work, relationships, personal goals etc and will get frustrated when things are out of balance. One thing that i find hard sometimes is that i've never been good at relationships and connecting with people and everything seems to be interconnected so if i don't have any emotional connections with people my work life suffers as i lose sight of what i'm working for as it doesn't matter what i achieve if you don't have the people to share it with it doesn't seem worth it.

I would like to be self sufficient in the sense of not depending on any external thing to make me happy but that doesn't seem to work for me at the moment as it makes me think of what it actually is i want out of life. It annoys me that i feel bothered that i can't get what i want but i personally don't care if i get what i want or not because i know it wont give me fulfillment.

An example i can give you is i've never been good at getting a girlfriend. I find it hard to connect with people and i don't have any strong bonds with anyone, i don't even feel strong emotional connection to my parents.
Now
- i don't care about having a girlfriend, i know that it's better to be happy when your single and a relationship is a bonus.
-I know that just because i have a girlfriend it doesn't necessarily mean i'm going to be happy.
- My goal is to be happy regardless of the external situation.

But
- I want a girlfriend but not in desperation
- I'm not good at connecting with people
- i don't know what the goal is
- i know it is not in my control whether i get a girlfriend or not
- other external activities such as work seem to be less relevent when you don't have enjoyment in somewhere in your life

I feel a void in my life like something is missing, I don't have enough love in me because there is nothing that i love as i know the object isn't going to give me fulfillment. When i look at most people my age who are having some degree of success or enjoying there life they have a good foundation and upbringing and have family and friends who they have a strong connection with.

I want more experiences in life but i don't feel i have any control whether they come about. To put it bluntly how do i get what i want or more importantly how do i experience what is best for me?

Bzen
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Oct 25, 2013 6:51 am

Re: Not getting what you want

Post by Bzen » Tue Nov 19, 2013 9:55 am

Okay my friend where to begin...

I too know how you feel. I am not at a place yet where I'm completely out of the ego's/mind's grip, but it has lessened significantly the past 6-8 months. I think an issue you're having is letting go of your thoughts and/or the voice in your head. It seems that you still listen to it and on a certain level derive your sense of "self" out of it. This is why you suffer. Letting go(surrendering/accepting) is the only way to peace. As Mr. Tolle says: accept that "you"(ego) can't be at peace right now. Then watch that emotion or thought process. Don't judge or analyze. After awhile, if you can just watch those thoughts, you will soon come to a realization that you aren't those thoughts but rather the "thing" that's doing the watching. You've probably done this before, but sometimes we must do it again and again in order to really understand it.

Those thoughts about you not being "good" at communicating/relating with others is just the conditioned mind talking. Don't listen to it. It's far to biased to be trusted. Now if you can fully realize you aren't your mind, then you can also conquer those fears of not being "good enough" and see clearly how/what you are lacking in those situations. After you let go of the concept of yourself you can be totally honest about your issues, and then "fix" them directly. There is no need to personalize the "problems." Perhaps you aren't the best at connecting with a woman or other people, but it is what it is. It's like that for a reason and once you see that reason(usually a negative mind pattern), you can start fixing it. Awareness and total honesty are what's needed to really change.

As far as you not feeling complete goes, I'll quote you some more Eckhart. In relationship chapter of The Power of Now he says: "Coming from Being, you are able to focus beyond the veil of form. In Being, male and female are one. Your form may continue to have certain needs, but Being has none. It is already complete and whole. If those needs are met, that is beautiful, but whether or not they are met makes no difference to your deep inner state. So it is perfectly possible for an enlightened person, if the need for the male or female polarity is not met, to feel a sense of lack or incompleteness on the outer level of his or her being, yet at the same time be totally complete, fulfilled, and at peace within." I think this sums up your feeling of incompleteness you've been feeling. However it is no more than the ego or outer level. I think you'd be best served finding that deep inner peace first without identifying with those strong wants/needs that the ego produces.

On a personal note, I have had enough experiences, usually through meditation or being present for long periods of time, that I know the "deep unshakable peace" of which Eckhart speaks. When I am one with the universe/totally conscious/etc nothing external can harm/bother me. I am invincible, pure energy. It's a wonderful feeling that's really something I can't adequately put into words. But I highly recommend meditating daily, being present in anything you do in life, not listening to the mind so much, and then when you least expect it that women/friend(s)/etc will come into your life naturally. You are in control. You have so much more power than you realize. If you don't meet a lot of new women or friends at work or in your current life situation then make a change. Look online, go out, try a meetup group, or just do something new. You will run into others eventually, I guarantee it....unless you live in Siberia or Antarctica, then you're screwed(JK! :P).

If you have any questions about what I said, let me know. I hope this helped in any way. Peace and Love...

18andlife
Posts: 392
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:40 pm

Re: Not getting what you want

Post by 18andlife » Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:37 am

As the old saying goes "success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get"

Choose the latter, always and often.

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cloud
Posts: 47
Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2013 5:12 pm

Re: Not getting what you want

Post by cloud » Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:30 pm

Check out this video from gangaji about stop looking for what you want -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdzPp9cRKN0

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