Topics of Conversation - Relating to People

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Topics of Conversation - Relating to People

Postby barbarasher » Mon Mar 28, 2005 2:12 pm

I find that as this process goes on, I have partially left behind a part of my personality or being that was a large part of me.

I had made a persona out of complaining (poor me, I am a victim, everybody is bad, stupid or incompetent) and problem-solving (what to do or should I feel this way or how to feel). I would have long and intense and frequent conversations with my parents and friends about a variety of subjects.

I stopped having these conversation with my husband about 1.5 years ago. I intuitively felt that they put a wedge between us since he would try to solve them and it made him upset "for me" when I complained and then "at me" when I didn't accept his solution immediately.

Now as I have become more peaceful, I have become quieter. I have less and less to say. I am very well read and very up on current events, but don’t find that interesting to talk about. I don't like talking about everyday stuff, either restaurants, cooking, shopping some of which I don’t do. The news is so disturbing and everything so politically charged, that that is also a subject to steer away from.

I see, with a shock about myself and what it means about me, that the long-term friendships (who I love dearly) I have developed are based on this interaction: complaining about the world and soothing each other.

On one hand that is what friends are for, but on the other, I don't need to or want to complain so much. Isn't that right?

So I call my parents a lot less, it used to be at least once a day.

I complain to my best friend a lot less, she is quite understanding but maybe a little uncomfortable thinking I am not sharing as much or needing her as much. Some firiends may not notice yet. I don't complain to not close friends at all.

So I love them, want to spend time with them but…

I play tennis a lot, I have a different partner for each day (5 days a week). We are friends, but don't talk much, which is also great.

Input?
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Postby a_friend » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:45 pm

barb! The exact same thing has happened and is happening to me. I remember a couple years ago finally starting to come down from this constant "high" of anxiety. I started to chill out somewhat, make far fewer jokes, and talk less. The funny thing was that then everybody started asking me what was wrong! We'd all grown so accustomed to this sickness/addiction that it seemed incorrect (or sick) for it to not be there. For a while I could not possibly convince my parents that I was feeling better than ever. And some of my friends actually thought I was on drugs, heheheeh!

Anyway, this is all for the best. Its really hard to break a decades old expectation that you and others have of yourself. But if you can do it, then that is awesome. I hate to say, that some "friends" will actually be disappointed when you grow, they might like you less or they might even distrust you. But if the "new you" sticks around long enough, and if these are true friends, then you've got nothing to worry about. You'll start to grow on them and i think your degree of presence will be a blessing to them.

But what do I know :)

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Postby kiki » Mon Mar 28, 2005 11:01 pm

Beautiful post Barbara. As you wake up more to what you really are you find less reason to speak, less compulsion to interact, less need/desire to bring up old storylines. What happens happens spontaneously. There is a natural resting in the silence and stillness of the awareness that witnesses it all. It's not that there is some 'trying' to be different than before, it's just a natural unfolding of what is without the attempt to make things different. Not sure if I'm being clear here.

I find family gatherings bring out the need for people to tap into their storylines, all of which have been heard by others many times. I sit and watch it all amazed at what is going on, the 'me' no longer reactively participating - there is just this huge space that is taking it all in. Sometimes 'I' pop into the scenario momentarily, and then 'I' disappear again. I'm sure that to others in my family I seem aloof because for the most part I am rather quiet. But it's not that I'm aloof, for that is a mental position; rather, I'm simply not there anymore for the most part.

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Postby heidi » Mon Mar 28, 2005 11:25 pm

I, too, have found similar reactions. Since I have pretty much stopped judging in these family storytimes, ha ha, it gets a more interesting reaction than ever. My family members often gave me trouble for being "superior" or aloof, when in fact I just wasn't participating in stuff that was low energy or unkind or whatever. I wasn't even aware that I was "doing" it. Then, becoming more conscious, you can see the dynamic clearly, just observe it.

When there aren't any more buttons to push, the button pushers push elsewhere. It's that ol familial pain body. First you recognize it, then you stop judging it, and then it no longer gives the pain. You have created a new paradigm. I'm learning that some of it is quite karmic in its flavor, too, and the painbody buck stops here :)
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Postby summer » Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:22 am

I wish I could say that family gatherings don't "push my buttons", but......

Three weeks after reading the Power of Now, my son was married, with 250 people attending the wedding. What an occasion that was. Literally, everybody from all of our families and friends were at the same place, at the same time, celebrating for three days.

My relationship with my mother has always been quite painful. And my stepfather, who works for the U.S. government thinks that I am a total failure. At one point in the ceremony, he was so rude to me, that even I was surprised. It felt as if Time had stopped. I looked deeply into his eyes As though my soul was looking into his. It felt as if nothing was there. I then looked into my mother's eyes. Same thing.
I heard a voice inside me say "These people are not there for you. Let them go"
It hasn't been easy letting this relationship go, because they are resisting my growth fiercely. And yet my health has improved greatly since I have taken a stand, and I am happier than I ever was :)

I remember Eckhart saying how much of the attraction in relationships is the pain body. It keeps the ego strong and in control.
As we disengage from this inner drama, our need for ego gratification dissolves
When two people know themselves as awareness, does the idea of a relationship even make sense?

My newest friend is my grand daughter. She is 11 months old now, and what a little Budha she is :) No self image. No thoughts yet about me and you. No problems. Pure awareness.
We spend hours out in nature just enjoying the wonder of life
There is a lot of love shared in the stillness :)
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Postby a_friend » Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:03 am

It is immensely enjoyable to read this post, summer, thank you so much. I am always thrilled to hear about a cycle of pain that has been broken. Light has broken through in your corner of the universe and we're all the better for it :)

Now, totally off topic and I hope you don't mind me saying, but you have such a youthful spirit! For some rediculous reason, I was shocked to read you have son and even a granddaughter. Your responses have always seemed so bright and full of life that I never would have guessed you for having lived through enough to be a grandmother. You seem completely unphased by any painful life situations that you may have encountered. Anyway, you're an inspiration to me and I know this probably just my ego talking, but if I get to live long enough and if I get to have children and grandchildren, I hope to be as joyful and loving to them as you have been to yours.

thank you thank you
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Postby summer » Tue Mar 29, 2005 7:14 pm

Aww...shucks, friend. I am blushing :lol:
Only the body seems to age. And often the spirit feels lighter and lighter as wisdom sets in :)
I am only in my 50's, and have never felt better in my life.
Aging is a lot more fun than we have been told :lol:
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Postby heidi » Tue Mar 29, 2005 8:07 pm

He he, I'm an 11-year-old in a 52-year-old's body.
Sometimes naivite and immaturity pay off
I do cartwheels on the beach :lol:

Oh, and Summer, I am so happy for you in your grandmotherhood. I look forward, ouch, to it, but have no expectations (my daughter 27, is a captain in the Army, and may never hook up with a guy worthy of her, sheesh) and my son is almost 17, so we'll be happy to wait on his behalf. :) I love toys, I make toys, I have a shelf full of favorite books, and a closet full of favorite toys ready to play!
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Postby a_friend » Tue Mar 29, 2005 8:17 pm

That's excellent, heidi, I love it! I feel like jumping in the pool with a big canonball, hehehe! But its freakin freezing right now, so I think that will have to wait another month or so.
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Postby summer » Tue Mar 29, 2005 10:44 pm

Oh goodie :) Glad to see that the magical child is still alive and well in everyone. Heidi, your closet sounds like a real treasure chest. If you hear a few strange noises in there one night, don't worry. It is only me flying on my magical broomstick to have a peep.

Wasn't it Jesus who said that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven we must be as little children? Now I understand why. For Zoe there is only the present moment. She has no concept yet of a past or a future. She is a jewel of pure awareness grounded in Presence :)

Whenever I watch Eckhart on a video, he looks like an impish 8yr old little boy. Or even an elf! Children know when they are playing make believe. They are full of laughs and giggles and having a grand time.
It is time for all the grown ups to lighten up a little, and remember that Heaven is here and now.
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Postby barbarasher » Wed Mar 30, 2005 6:24 am

I am 46 now but feel younger than ever, am more fit and fell more alive than I ever did.

To borrow a phrase, I am finally awakening from the dream of thought. Finally, starting to live outside my head.

Finally, starting to revel in the beauty of the world and the acceptance of reality (as-is). It helps me love my husband, parents, friends and everyone more.

I am planning to live to 100 at least. My grandmother just died at 96. 2058 here I come. Isn't that the date the first Star Trek series started?

Summer I also pictured you in your 20's or 30's and Heidi you certainly look younger than your age.

Summer, I felt deeply for you when I read about your experience at the wedding. Accepting what "is" can be painful at first, but then it is very liberating.

a-friend it is so nice to see when people have the same experiences. It is validating. Thanks for the cheering too.

Thank you all for this community.
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Postby Clare » Wed Mar 30, 2005 11:08 am

Speaking oif being young at heart, there is a phenom that I have noticed in myself and other grown up kids around me. When we were actual children we were extremely mature for our age. Anyone have that? I think I must have been born 46, or something. I took the world extremely seriously when i was little. I did live in a dream world of my own invention, of course, and still do, but when dealing with the outside world, I was very very sensible, used to get on some teachers nerves because I spoke to them as an adult equal. And then just at the time when I really should have started to grow up, I got a bit silly, and now, when I really should be growing up, I'm extremely silly! So much so I sprained my ankle the other day running down a hilly pathway pretending to be a plane.

I can't work out why I can't have kids. It would be nice to have someone my own age to play with :?

I've found practising PON has helped me in my relating to people, generally. But then, I have never been that good at it before. Used to take everything extremely personally, and was very sensitive. Now, I laugh off a lot more, and I feel this relaxes the people around me. It gave me masses more appreciation of people too.
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:)

Postby lakeswimr » Mon Aug 08, 2005 10:29 pm

I have been thinking something similar. I have long wished I had more friends and although I have always had a few good friends, I never had as many friends as I wanted to have. I felt a lot of pain body over this. Recently I have realized that for the first time ever I don't have any feelings about this issue. I mean, I don't long for more friends. I don't wish more people liked me. I don't care if people don't like me. (Wow!) I feel just fine alone and by myself.

I used to talk a *lot*, too and now I don't have the same things to say. I still enjoy contact with other people but I don't long for it and like you I am finding the topic of conversation has changed. I used to be into deep, meaningful discussions and I am still but the topics have changed and I actually feel way more comfortable with small talk than before. I never liked small talk and had a lot of judgements about it and also I just wasn't that good at it. Now I can small talk with anyone becuase I don't care if they approve of me or not. The fear of being rejected was what made me freeze up in small talk situations. I knew if we talked about things of depth I could keep up with the converstation so I didn't have that same fear.

It is very freeing! :)

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