Feel desperate

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Sirius
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2014 11:45 am

Feel desperate

Post by Sirius » Thu Mar 13, 2014 2:17 am

I have read the book and I watch ET videos on YouTube everyday but It's not clicking. I can't seem to figure out how to surrender instead of resign. I also don't feel happy most of the time. I mean ET gets to write books which are endorsed by Oprah and make a lot of money. I feel it's easy for someone in that position to preach to others about just accepting what is. If I don't like my current situation a and I hate my work but cannot change it , I cannot accept that or feel ok about it.

When something challenging happens sometime I can observe my feelings about it and so not get too caught up in the emotional charge however a lot of the time I feel like I'm just giving up on things rather than surrendering. Like for example my computer decided to stop working at the most inconvenient time when I had assignments due etc and when this happened the first time I was a mess. I actually felt like killing myself!! I felt angry at the world, at people, at life. I know that sounds extreme but I am so addicted to technology that this is the effect it had on me. Anyway after about an hour or two I felt ok. Then I managed to get it working again for a day and a half. Then it died again but this time I felt a kind of resignation. I thought to myself well if that's what is happening then I can't be bothered with it. It's kind of been the same my whole life actually. I have always felt like I try to do things to create the life situation I want such as career etc. but in the end I achieve very little as crap happens that gets in my way and I become like a beaten dog that no longer tries because I feel like it's pointless.

After many years of working in very low skilled mind numbing jobs because I've never had the confidence in myself to do anything else I decided one day that I would embark on a new path and go to university. I chose something that I thought would be interesting and creative. After a year at uni I hated it and felt like I wasn't learning a thing. I felt as though they were just milking me of money and teaching me very little that I couldn't learn myself from google which is what I had to do in the end. I felt I was nothing but a number. I also hated being surrounded by socially inept 20 year olds as I am the only mature age student in my course.

I spent a lot of money on technology ands software thinking that if I could just learn all these skills I would be able to forge a new career. Instead the technology has deteriorated and become obsolete faster than I could even learn and I have also felt extremely overwhelmed by it all to the point where I procrastinate because I don't know how to focus on one thing for long.

I am nearing the end of my degree and dragging myself to the finish line just so I can get the hell out of there. I don't feel like I have any career prospects at all. The industries I want to work in don t even advertise. The only advertised positions are for no salary, no expenses positions which are advertised as internships but are basically just exploitation. I feel I have no hope, no will to carry on trying, no enthusiasm. All I wanted was to feel like I could get up up in the morning and be contributing something worthwhile. I feel now that asking for my career to fulfil this desire is perhaps not going to happen. I am nearing 50 years old, I have never achieved any career success or financial independence or even felt like I have any purpose. I just can't be bothered with any of it. I feel like selling everything and getting out. But there's nowhere to go. I can't see any positive future.

I guess why I am here today is because I feel very alone and scared that I am living a wasted life. I don't know how to turn it around. I have tried to be present and see life situation as different to life but I'm finding that concept near impossible to grasp.

Arya
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by Arya » Thu Mar 13, 2014 2:55 am

Hi there,
Life sounds a little bleak over your way! That's OK, I've been there many a time. I do believe that non-resistance (acceptance) in yourself is pretty important to achieve. To just feel exactly what you're feeling and let it be the way it is. To become aware of the stories in your mind to see them but not push them away or resist them. Just see them and let them be exactly how they are. Let yourself be EXACTLY as you are. A yes to life how it already is rather than a no. It may take a while but just keep looking and practicing an inner yes.
That goes for your life situation too. It is the way it is so why resist it? Say yes to how it already is and from there you can move to change it if you want to, but not out of a state of negativity.
It's hard because we have this mind with so many ingrained beliefs about how we need to achieve something to be happy, attain some other state to be happy, but true happiness really only comes with saying yes to life how it already is, however bad the mind might deem that to be.
All I wanted was to feel like I could get up up in the morning and be contributing something worthwhile.
Maybe you don't need a university degree to achieve that, maybe you don't need anything other than your own two hands a heart beat and a smile. Have you tried service to others? Every person that you come into contact with you have the opportunity to serve in some way. Offer a nice compliment, a warm smile, an interest in their life. Some little thing for their benefit and to light them up. Would that be worth while? Maybe volunteer your time at the local shelter. Offer service to the truly needy in some way. Get involved in your commUnity. I find it brings much meaning to life.

Peace to you :)
Last edited by Arya on Thu Mar 13, 2014 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

Enlightened2B
Posts: 1930
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by Enlightened2B » Thu Mar 13, 2014 3:45 am

Sirius wrote:I have read the book and I watch ET videos on YouTube everyday but It's not clicking. I can't seem to figure out how to surrender instead of resign. I also don't feel happy most of the time.
Hey Sirius,

You wrote a lot in your post, but I'd like to pinpoint one area. You say that you don't feel happy most of the time and that you don't know how to 'surrender'. Do you think it's possible that you can 'step away' and 'make it ok' that you don't feel happy? Instead of trying to change the idea that 'you're not happy', can you just 'be ok' with it instead'?
Sirius wrote: I guess why I am here today is because I feel very alone and scared that I am living a wasted life. I don't know how to turn it around. I have tried to be present and see life situation as different to life but I'm finding that concept near impossible to grasp.
Again, can you step back and make room for these feelings of 'being alone' and 'scared' and simply 'be ok' with these arisings in seeing that they are just feelings/emotions that are arising and don't actually represent you, other than the fact that they are being experienced by you?

Sirius
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2014 11:45 am

Re: Feel desperate

Post by Sirius » Thu Mar 13, 2014 5:57 am

Enlightened2B wrote:
Sirius wrote:I have read the book and I watch ET videos on YouTube everyday but It's not clicking. I can't seem to figure out how to surrender instead of resign. I also don't feel happy most of the time.
Hey Sirius,

You wrote a lot in your post, but I'd like to pinpoint one area. You say that you don't feel happy most of the time and that you don't know how to 'surrender'. Do you think it's possible that you can 'step away' and 'make it ok' that you don't feel happy? Instead of trying to change the idea that 'you're not happy', can you just 'be ok' with it instead'?
Sirius wrote: I guess why I am here today is because I feel very alone and scared that I am living a wasted life. I don't know how to turn it around. I have tried to be present and see life situation as different to life but I'm finding that concept near impossible to grasp.
Again, can you step back and make room for these feelings of 'being alone' and 'scared' and simply 'be ok' with these arisings in seeing that they are just feelings/emotions that are arising and don't actually represent you, other than the fact that they are being experienced by you?

I guess I can but I'm kind of sick of the battle. Am I going to be feeling this crap forever and forever trying to accept it?? I don't want this. I want to not feel and think all this negativity all the time. It's draining and wears me down.

Enlightened2B
Posts: 1930
Joined: Wed May 15, 2013 10:51 pm

Re: Feel desperate

Post by Enlightened2B » Thu Mar 13, 2014 6:56 am

Sirius wrote:I guess I can but I'm kind of sick of the battle. Am I going to be feeling this crap forever and forever trying to accept it?? I don't want this. I want to not feel and think all this negativity all the time. It's draining and wears me down.


The thought that says 'I want to not feel' is just a thought and nothing more. It's a lot easier said than done....because in your case....it's obvious that you're trying very hard to observe the emotions, and in turn, creating more suffering by clinging to more thoughts (as evidenced by the quote above), by identification with the act of 'trying'....which is just identification with a 'thought'.

Instead, throw all concepts out the window and simply do this:

The next time you have a thought that arises and leads to a 'negative emotion', just (as ET says) simply be the 'space' for that emotion. What I mean by this is....just allow the thought and allow the emotion to arise....exactly...as...it...is. You don't have to do ANYTHING. Simply, watch the feelings that arise, even if they are based in 'negativity'....and simply allow the entire thing to unravel EXACTLY as it is.

For example, if you feel 'nervousness' or 'anxiety'....watch the thought that arises that brings on these sensations and then watch the sensations in the body as it arises. If you feel 'boredom', simply allow THAT thought to be there and watch the sensation in the body even if you perceive it as 'negative'. If you feel anger, allow it to be as well. If you feel a 'pit' in your stomach from the emotion, simply notice it. You don't have to DO anything other than simply allow whatever arises....to simply be as is. If you feel the 'need to do' anything, or such a thought as 'I want these feelings to stop' or an urge to 'repress the emotion', those are all perfectly fine as they are just thoughts, don't act on the thoughts, just watch them and simply allow all of that to arise exactly as it does.

The thing you should focus your attention on when a thought arises is....notice the beginning of the thought and the end of the thought and what happens next. There's obviously a gap in between thoughts. Otherwise, you wouldn't notice where one thought begins and another ends. The 'noticing' of the gap between the thoughts simply means that you are NOT those thoughts, but merely the 'witness'. When you start to see how all thoughts come and go while you witness them, you will realize that whatever arises including (thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc) have NOTHING to do with you. They are just 'conditioning' of the mind, but you are not the mind.....you are the Awareness that knows the mind.

If I can make a recommendation, I would HIGHLY recommend for you to look into the book.... 'Meditation, Now or Never' by Steve hagan. I think you can find some really good answers there into 'observation' of thoughts/emotions. Also, anything by Jon Kabat Zinn.

Sirius
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2014 11:45 am

Re: Feel desperate

Post by Sirius » Thu Mar 13, 2014 11:07 am

Enlightened2B wrote:
Sirius wrote:I guess I can but I'm kind of sick of the battle. Am I going to be feeling this crap forever and forever trying to accept it?? I don't want this. I want to not feel and think all this negativity all the time. It's draining and wears me down.


The thought that says 'I want to not feel' is just a thought and nothing more. It's a lot easier said than done....because in your case....it's obvious that you're trying very hard to observe the emotions, and in turn, creating more suffering by clinging to more thoughts (as evidenced by the quote above), by identification with the act of 'trying'....which is just identification with a 'thought'.

Instead, throw all concepts out the window and simply do this:

The next time you have a thought that arises and leads to a 'negative emotion', just (as ET says) simply be the 'space' for that emotion. What I mean by this is....just allow the thought and allow the emotion to arise....exactly...as...it...is. You don't have to do ANYTHING. Simply, watch the feelings that arise, even if they are based in 'negativity'....and simply allow the entire thing to unravel EXACTLY as it is.

For example, if you feel 'nervousness' or 'anxiety'....watch the thought that arises that brings on these sensations and then watch the sensations in the body as it arises. If you feel 'boredom', simply allow THAT thought to be there and watch the sensation in the body even if you perceive it as 'negative'. If you feel anger, allow it to be as well. If you feel a 'pit' in your stomach from the emotion, simply notice it. You don't have to DO anything other than simply allow whatever arises....to simply be as is. If you feel the 'need to do' anything, or such a thought as 'I want these feelings to stop' or an urge to 'repress the emotion', those are all perfectly fine as they are just thoughts, don't act on the thoughts, just watch them and simply allow all of that to arise exactly as it does.

The thing you should focus your attention on when a thought arises is....notice the beginning of the thought and the end of the thought and what happens next. There's obviously a gap in between thoughts. Otherwise, you wouldn't notice where one thought begins and another ends. The 'noticing' of the gap between the thoughts simply means that you are NOT those thoughts, but merely the 'witness'. When you start to see how all thoughts come and go while you witness them, you will realize that whatever arises including (thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc) have NOTHING to do with you. They are just 'conditioning' of the mind, but you are not the mind.....you are the Awareness that knows the mind.

If I can make a recommendation, I would HIGHLY recommend for you to look into the book.... 'Meditation, Now or Never' by Steve hagan. I think you can find some really good answers there into 'observation' of thoughts/emotions. Also, anything by Jon Kabat Zinn.
Ok I'm not sure I agree that the thoughts have nothing to do with me. I may be awareness and the thoughts are phenomena that pass but they aren't passing through anyone but me. They are my personal phenomena are they not? They aren't separate to me because they are in my mind. I generally can't really see so clearly the thoughts individually, it's like a very fast mass of viciousness. I don't really notice any gaps in the same way I can't really pinpoint when the thought is occurring. I'm not sure how I know but I know my mind say things like, "what's the point, I can't be bothered, you're not good enough, don't even bother trying because it will only lead to disappointment, you're a loser etc". There seems to be hundreds of them but perhaps it's not , perhaps it's the same ones that dominate over and over. I'm not sure. Is this my pain body? Or is this something different? After I think like this I start to feel drained and I literally don't want to do anything but sit there feeling like crap.
Then there's the thoughts saying "I don't want to feel this, I can't do this anymore, all I want is to feel happy" How can my mind be saying one thing and then saying I don't want this very thing??? Is my mind struggling with or contradicting itself?? And then awareness can observe both which is another part of me again? Woah, that's freaky! Or is it awareness saying I don't want to feel this?

Enlightened2B
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by Enlightened2B » Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:07 pm

Hey Sirius,
Sirius wrote:
Ok I'm not sure I agree that the thoughts have nothing to do with me. I may be awareness and the thoughts are phenomena that pass but they aren't passing through anyone but me. They are my personal phenomena are they not?
Depends what you mean by 'personal'. Yes, they are only known by 'this' particular body/mind, but you're mistakingly taking yourself to actually BE the body/mind. You are that which illumines the body/mind (makes it known). The body/mind will always be there for as long as the human existence, but you are not the body/mind because the body/mind is known TO you. Yes, you will seemingly experience what the body/mind experiences including pain and sickness, but it is not YOU who is sick or in pain, it is the body. The fact that you can acknowledge sensations and such goes to show that you are merely that which is 'Aware' of those sensations. The body is just a vehicle or as ET says (a veil) for your true self which is Awareness.
They aren't separate to me because they are in my mind.
Exactly, but, how far is your mind from actual Awareness? Have you ever experienced a thought 'outside' of Awareness? Therefore, the mind itself, is nothing other than an appearance inside of you (Awareness). Have you ever experienced the body outside of Awareness? Therefore, the body too is just an appearance inside of YOU (Awareness).
I'm not sure how I know but I know my mind say things like, "what's the point, I can't be bothered, you're not good enough, don't even bother trying because it will only lead to disappointment, you're a loser etc".
If you look at what I bolded, you say that you're 'not sure how you know what your mind says'. The simple way that you know is because you are aware of what your mind says. You are Awareness. If you weren't Awareness, you could not possibly say 'my mind says such and such'.. That's how you know. Even the thoughts that say 'I don't know how I know' is also being illumined by the same source....YOU (Awareness). How else could it be known?
There seems to be hundreds of them but perhaps it's not , perhaps it's the same ones that dominate over and over. I'm not sure. Is this my pain body? Or is this something different?


Painbody is just a term that ET utilizes to refer to the 'unconscious' conditioning of the mind. The thoughts you are referring to that 'dominate', are just the 50 years of conditioning to this mind/body. There's nothing wrong with that. That's just what the mind does. But, YOU are not the mind. You are simple formless awareness which makes the mind known. The fact that you can sit here and say 'there seems to be hundreds of thoughts' once again proves that those thoughts are known TO you. Yes, thoughts say all sorts of crazy things, but you don't have to believe them. They are just based on conditioning from years of growing up in an unconscious environment. Suffering ensues when we (Awareness) start to identify WITH those thoughts and in turn create the notion that those thoughts are MY thoughts. No, those thoughts are just a product of the mind/body mechanism. Yes, you will continue to see them arise and go, arise and go, but simply let them.
Then there's the thoughts saying "I don't want to feel this, I can't do this anymore, all I want is to feel happy" How can my mind be saying one thing and then saying I don't want this very thing??? Is my mind struggling with or contradicting itself?? And then awareness can observe both which is another part of me again? Woah, that's freaky! Or is it awareness saying I don't want to feel this?
The bolded part above is you recognizing that which is you. You hit the nail on the head in that sentence except you are wrong in saying 'Awareness is just another part of me'. You're confusing the mind with Awareness. The Awareness you are referring to IS you. All of these thoughts that you are referring to including 'I don't want to feel this' is just a product of the mind. That's it. The mind is known TO you as it appears within you. The mind produces thoughts and those thoughts are known TO you (Awareness). That's it. You know the mind's happy states and you know of the mind's 'sad' states. You know when the mind is 'angry' and you know when the mind is 'calm'. YOU are not any of these states. You are simply that which comes before the 'states' of mind and makes these states 'known'. Nothing could ever be known if it weren't for you as Awareness.

Manyana
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by Manyana » Thu Mar 13, 2014 11:18 pm

Hi Sirius, I found it difficult at first to differentiate between pain body and ego, but I would say what you say here is pain body.....
Sirius wrote:
it's like a very fast mass of viciousness. I don't really notice any gaps in the same way I can't really pinpoint when the thought is occurring. I'm not sure how I know but I know my mind say things like, "what's the point, I can't be bothered, you're not good enough, don't even bother trying because it will only lead to disappointment, you're a loser etc". There seems to be hundreds of them but perhaps it's not , perhaps it's the same ones that dominate over and over. I'm not sure. Is this my pain body? Or is this something different? After I think like this I start to feel drained and I literally don't want to do anything but sit there feeling like crap.
and what you say here is ego....
Sirius wrote:
Then there's the thoughts saying "I don't want to feel this, I can't do this anymore, all I want is to feel happy" How can my mind be saying one thing and then saying I don't want this very thing??? Is my mind struggling with or contradicting itself?? And then awareness can observe both which is another part of me again? Woah, that's freaky! Or is it awareness saying I don't want to feel this?
The bad news is the pain body can hang around for a long time. The good news is once you can see it for what it is and name it, its power to overwhelm you lessens and its frequency and duration lessens.

peas
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by peas » Fri Mar 14, 2014 3:02 am

Sirius wrote:I guess I can but I'm kind of sick of the battle. Am I going to be feeling this crap forever and forever trying to accept it?? I don't want this. I want to not feel and think all this negativity all the time. It's draining and wears me down.
You'll feel this crap for as long as you want to. The choice is yours. There is no body or no thing keeping you trapped. Do you realise that? Can you admit that?

Have you had enough suffering? Can you recognise blame as an illusion? It is nobody's fault, not even yours. But you alone have the choice to admit this and break the shackles of negativity. The ball is in your court. What do you want to do?

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Sighclone
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by Sighclone » Fri Mar 14, 2014 6:19 am

Sirius -

Let me take a little different tack, more conventional, but first: what is the field you are studying?

Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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cloud
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Re: Feel desperate

Post by cloud » Tue Mar 18, 2014 2:33 pm

Hi Sirius,

I can give you a couple of pointers when any of the challanges you have mentioned arise, ask you self who is experiencing these feelings and start a small search for the self, if you find something take a closer look and you will realise that is doesn't exist. Without giving an explanation try it out! Also a great way to take care of the pain body is not to become 'too' focused on it. You can imagine that you awareness is like a laser you are focusing in to certain areas, focusing just on your pain body will bring shine all your attention there, when you 'zoom out' you can realise there are other sensations, thoughts etc that are all arising in the awareness, this will provide you with the space to realise that it is just another object in awareness and prevent locking into the single area.

'Pain' is when a sensation has just connected with a thought, without a thought it's just a sensation in your awareness! :)

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