I'm reading this thread a few weeks after the last post. It would be wonderful to hear an update from you. The quotes below are from your post on April 18.
I made it my goal to become one of the greatest players in the world....I would play for 8 hours on school days and 10 hours on week days even with schoolwork included. Every day I would wake up feeling excited throughout the entire day. The more I played the better I got and along with that so did my ego.
The greatest guitar player in the world was my identity.
It was literally who I believed myself to be or at least what I believed I was turning into. I would practice all day and then when I got to school I would play for all my friends. The girls LOVED me while the guys envied me. I even started a youtube channel and attracted myself my own fanbase/market. Once I saw that I was starting to get recognized it became an addiction. The more I practiced and played the more compliments I got from not only my friends and family but from the entire social media. I was living the teenage dream.
I wanted it all. Money, women, fame, recognition.I wanted people to envy me and for other people to want to be me. These were all the things that drove me as a teenager. I was VERY VERY VERY externally driven.
Danny, the fact that you wrote this yourself means that you understand the trap your ego led you into. That's particularly impressive given that you achieved what you did, and also had the "externally driven" realization, at such a young age. I won't mention your age again, because the maturity of your writing and your understanding of your experience show wisdom and experience beyond your years.
I checked out your YouTube channel-you have amazing talent on the guitar! And though you say you wanted "money, women, fame, recognition," it is also clear from many of your videos that you are a natural teacher-you repeatedly offered advice, techniques and training well beyond just showing off. I don't think you mentioned that in your thread here-how much you contributed to the community even several years ago.
Suddenly I stopped progressing. I don't know why this happened but one day I just could not get any better. I actually got WORSE than I was before...
My identity would not allow this.
I was supposed to be the greatest in the world one day. How was it that I couldn't progress? I began to hate myself. I would try and try hopelessly and then when things didn't work out I would cry myself to sleep...Meanwhile when all of this was happening the fan base that I had attracted was disappearing...All of the girls that loved me in middle school began to leave me...ALL of my friends disappeared as I began to sacrifice my social life for the instrument.
You've undoubtedly heard that fame is fleeting...Fame is actually other people's egos identifying themselves with yours. It seldom lasts very long.
Regarding "getting worse," at the point you decided that, your ego was still telling you that you were in a competition to become the best in the world. Is it possible that by that point you had lost some of your love of the instrument and the experience of playing, and your ego had focused you too much on the externalities like the adoration of middle school girls?
This is when I discovered what is known as the DEEP WEB.
For those of you that don't know, the deep web is the part of the internet that you can't find on google. The deep web is uncensored and it's 500x bigger than the surface web is. You need a special application in order to reach this part of the internet.
Once I reached this part of the internet boy did I regret it.
I went there expecting to find knowledge but instead I found the most disturbing things that I had ever seen in my life. Assassination videos, Drug markets, Human Trafficking, Murder videos, Human Mutilation, Rape, Child Pornography, Death matches, Hitmen, and tons of other terrible things.
This was my very first introduction to human suffering.
I COULD NOT SLEEP AT NIGHT. All I felt was fear when I went to bed thinking of everything that I had witnessed. All this pain that was going on in the world that my eyes were completely shut out to. I became OVERWHELMINGLY DISGUSTED with the world. They say that when the Buddha came out from the palace walls he witnessed the suffering of the world. This is what I feel that I had gone through.
At this point I went into a severe depression. I remember lying down at school against a huge field of grass wanting to die. I had lost everything externally. Suddenly I felt so isolated from society. I learned my lessons on suffering, attachment to form, and ego very early in my life through experience.
What an unbelievably rapid sequence of events for you! If you have read other threads on this forum, you have realized that the path you travelled in about four years took many other people 10, 20 even 30 or more years. And please remember that much of the "Deep Web" is the egoic future fantasies of the unconscious.
I had to find peace of mind and I wasn't going to get that information from my school. I needed time to figure out what reality was really like...Somewhere down the line I discovered Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth". The book literally saved me. All of a sudden everything that I had previously experienced made sense. Meanings to an end, attachments to form, identities, observation of thoughts, presence and everything from page one all the way to the final page.
My depression was suddenly gone because now I understood how to deal with all of the pain. Through the realization that I wasn't my thoughts came a sudden rebirth. With that rebirth came the peace of mind I was looking for.
That is the past story of my joy, enthusiasm, and what has led me here.
It's been half a year since then and I feel that my search is almost at its end.
Eckhart Tolle's books have had the same effect on me. For quite some time I felt that my search was "almost at its end." I actually began to get frustrated...Tolle's had provided this crystal clear map of how my mind worked, and described perfectly what happened when I allowed my egoic mind run my life. But now what?
It was during a family member's particularly emotional episode that I glimpsed the answer. I realized that, in the whole universe, the one place I wanted to be was right there with her, during her terrible time. I couldn't fix it, there was nothing I could say that would change anything, but if I could be totally present for her it would help. I found myself smiling, during a moment that wasn't very happy!
Since then, I've been able to spend more and more time in the Now. This is the simple key to it all: Watch the Thinker, and when you do so, the Thinker turns off. This is absolute magic, though I have to do it over and over...
I personally haven't wandered far from Tolle's books, as there is so much in them to learn. By the way, although New Earth
is very good, my favorite is Practicing the Power of Now
, audio version.
So going back to the first message in this thread:
dannydawiz wrote:Please someone help me. I feel like i'm dying...I can't feel joy.
Try this. Take your guitar somewhere peaceful and alone. Play a favorite song. Not a fan favorite, or a technique demonstration, or a current hit. Play something you enjoy. You are such a good player, the playing will probably only occupy just a fraction of your attention, and your egoic mind will have the opportunity to wander free while you play. WATCH IT. It will try to take you into the Past: how good you used to be, how much your friends liked you, and how badly your teacher treated you. It will try to take you into the Future: adoring crowds screaming your name, parties, money. Each time the egoic mind takes you to one of these places, WATCH IT and it will stop. This may take some practice, because your Egoic mind has so many years experience taking you into the Past and Future and away from the Now.
But eventually you will find yourself back in the Now, just you and your music. Enter the Now from There.
Come back some time and update us!
I'm a Dad.