Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

This is the place to post whatever questions you have related to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. The rest of us will do whatever we can to help you achieve a better understanding :)

Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby David92506 » Mon May 12, 2014 3:08 am

I've read all of Eckhart Tolle's books and I try to daily meditate and carry it into the day. I'm aware of my ego (wanting mind) and I have a question.

I've been dating, mostly using various online dating sites, and I have met so many women who are full of drama, they talk my right ear off, short tempered, critical, sarcastic, married, etc. (I know many men are too.)

I finally meet someone who is the nicest person I've met. She is sweet, kind and treats me nicely. There is no drama. However, I don't feel any "chemistry" with her and I don't know why. I could say, "She is overweight and that is not my preference" but I've been attracted to overweight women before. I could say, "I prefer people of my same race" but I've been attracted to other races before. There is nothing I can point to say that is a turn-off. Why can't I be physically attracted to her? I'm a very humble person and looks aren't that important, but it does play a part.

With that being said, I know many people get into relationships where he/she is not physically or sexually attracted to the other person at all. The other person has other things to offer that is attractive. They seem to have healthy relationships.

Why can't I over look the physical? Am I being egotistical? My wanting mind says, "I want chemistry!" "I want physical and sexual attraction!"

Am I being shallow?

(I'm adding that I went out with her two times and then decided not to go out with her anymore. I thanked her for meeting me and she did the same. This all took place about one month ago.)
Last edited by David92506 on Tue May 13, 2014 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
David92506
 
Posts: 43
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:25 am
Location: California

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby epiphany55 » Mon May 12, 2014 3:51 am

I don't think the question is whether you're being shallow or not, rather is there anything inherently wrong with looks being a large part of attraction? The answer to that is obviously no. Your body is telling you what it needs in the same way it does when you're hungry or thirsty.

Here's how I see it. Attractive women (attractive being a wholly subjective term) trigger certain chemical reactions in a (heterosexual) man's body that promote the desire for sex and reproduction. The man can either choose to suppress or follow the resulting impulses.

All you're doing is looking for a mate that will stimulate within you the strongest desire to procreate. If this isn't natural, I don't know what is!

I also look for specific traits in a woman that, on the surface may appear shallow. But when you strip away the labels PC society has given to men (or women for that matter) who place value in physical attraction, you are left with a very cunning mechanism by which the human brain promotes reproduction.

Besides, sex is one of life's most intense yet simple (and free!) pleasures. It's perfectly logical that you would seek a partner who will stimulate your appetite for sexual satisfaction. It's also important that you are sexually compatible with your partner if those impulses are strong.
Thought is the object, not the essence, of consciousness.
epiphany55
 
Posts: 212
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:13 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby davemill » Mon May 12, 2014 7:09 am

David92506 wrote:I've been dating, mostly using various online dating sites, and I have met so many women who are full of drama, they talk my right ear off, short tempered, critical, sarcastic, married, etc.


It sounds like you know what you don't like.


David92506 wrote:I finally meet someone who is the nicest person I've met. She is sweet, kind and treats me nicely. There is no drama.


It sounds like you know what you do like.


David92506 wrote:However, I don't feel any "chemistry" with her and I don't know why...Am I being shallow?


Reread Practicing the Power of Now, and also A New Earth. Introduce your new friend to these books, see what she thinks of them too!
I'm a Dad.
davemill
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Fri May 02, 2014 12:19 am

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby davemill » Mon May 12, 2014 7:12 am

epiphany55 wrote:All you're doing is looking for a mate that will stimulate within you the strongest desire to procreate. If this isn't natural, I don't know what is!


And as the desire to procreate fades? I don't know what ET would say, but David92506 has recently met someone who, "...is the nicest person I've met. She is sweet, kind and treats me nicely. There is no drama." That ages a whole lot better than good looks.
I'm a Dad.
davemill
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Fri May 02, 2014 12:19 am

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby Phil2 » Mon May 12, 2014 12:02 pm

David92506 wrote: I'm aware of my ego (wanting mind) and I have a question.

I've been dating, mostly using various online dating sites, and I have met so many women who are full of drama, they talk my right ear off, short tempered, critical, sarcastic, married, etc. (I know many men are too.)



If you are aware of your ego you will know that your quest for pleasure in your quest of a partner can only come from ego ... ego is wanting, ego is desire, ego is fear, ego is needs ...

Why not let come what comes, and go what goes ?

Why search at all ?

??
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby epiphany55 » Mon May 12, 2014 4:45 pm

davemill wrote:
epiphany55 wrote:All you're doing is looking for a mate that will stimulate within you the strongest desire to procreate. If this isn't natural, I don't know what is!


And as the desire to procreate fades? I don't know what ET would say, but David92506 has recently met someone who, "...is the nicest person I've met. She is sweet, kind and treats me nicely. There is no drama." That ages a whole lot better than good looks.


Of course, but when young, we have to work hard to override those baser impulses if we want to see into the long term. A lot of people choose to "settle down" in their mid-late 30s for the very reason that it's easier to judge the practical long term fruits of a relationship without the giddying signals of a body in its sexual prime!

My point was that there is nothing inherently wrong with seeking sexual compatibility, based on physical traits, if in this moment that is what the body needs.
Thought is the object, not the essence, of consciousness.
epiphany55
 
Posts: 212
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:13 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby Phil2 » Mon May 12, 2014 5:08 pm

epiphany55 wrote:
My point was that there is nothing inherently wrong with seeking sexual compatibility, based on physical traits, if in this moment that is what the body needs.


No, not what the body needs ... the body can perfectly stay without a sexual relationship ... only the mind needs that ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby David92506 » Mon May 12, 2014 6:04 pm

Postby Phil2 » Mon May 12, 2014 2:02 am
Why not let come what comes, and go what goes ?

Why search at all ?


I understand what you are saying. When I was around 40-years-old I use to spend a lot of time at the Zen Center on Mt. Baldy on the weekends, and I would take their 1 week seminars when they offered it. My life consisted of meditating in the morning, work at my career, meditate in the evening and then do gardening, interior decorating, construction projects, whatever I was guided to. However, there were no women coming into my life. I felt alone and lonely, although I did enjoy the peaceful and serene lifestyle. You asked, "Why search at all?" Because if I don't search, if I don't go out and try, I stay alone. You asked, "Why not let come what comes, and go what goes?" Because women do not come knocking on my door. Nothing comes.
David92506
 
Posts: 43
Joined: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:25 am
Location: California

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby epiphany55 » Mon May 12, 2014 6:40 pm

Phil2 wrote:
epiphany55 wrote:
My point was that there is nothing inherently wrong with seeking sexual compatibility, based on physical traits, if in this moment that is what the body needs.


No, not what the body needs ... the body can perfectly stay without a sexual relationship ... only the mind needs that ...


You're right, it's closer to a want than a need, but I see sexual satisfaction as derived from a similar bodily impulse to hunger. While not directly linked to our survival, there is an indirect but deep connection in that our DNA can only "survive" if we procreate. I'm not saying this makes it necessary, I'm just trying to address David's concern at focusing on physical attraction, that it cannot be said to be wrong or unnatural, or even harmful.

Plus, sex is not like most other superficial pleasures. It is not manufactured for a start - it's not all in the mind. It's primal, physiological. The pleasure derived from sexual satisfaction has many physical and mental health benefits and seeking to maximise this, as long as there is acceptance when it cannot be attained, can enrich one's life.
Thought is the object, not the essence, of consciousness.
epiphany55
 
Posts: 212
Joined: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:13 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby Phil2 » Mon May 12, 2014 9:47 pm

David92506 wrote:Because if I don't search, if I don't go out and try, I stay alone. You asked, "Why not let come what comes, and go what goes?" Because women do not come knocking on my door. Nothing comes.


So your problem is that you cannot stand alone, right ?

??

In one of his talks Eckhart Tolle quotes a statement from the French mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal:

“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby dijmart » Mon May 12, 2014 10:26 pm

Eckhart Tolle has a partner (or wife) her name is Kim Eng. Papaji and Nisargadatta (both masters) were both married. So, I don't see a problem with finding a mate, perhaps the issues comes into play when you don't trust your gut instinct, in the moment. To date or not to date, that's your question? I say, if you like everything else, date the girl awhile, if it doesn't work out, then it is what it is. Or decide, no I don't want to date her and that's that. Just don't make it into a problem is all.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
User avatar
dijmart
 
Posts: 2078
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:35 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby Phil2 » Mon May 12, 2014 10:57 pm

dijmart wrote:Eckhart Tolle has a partner (or wife) her name is Kim Eng. Papaji and Nisargadatta (both masters) were both married. So, I don't see a problem with finding a mate ...


No there is no problem in "finding" a mate ... there is a problem in searching a mate ... because searching means that there is a feeling of uncompleteness ... that there is something missing in your life ...
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby dijmart » Tue May 13, 2014 1:21 am

OP, I don't think there's any "problem" with what you're doing to find/search for a mate. Tolle discusses secondary purposes and planning for the future. I consider what you're doing as planning for your future, maybe even to have a family one day. It's like anything else in life, if you never put yourself out there as available you may never find a mate, a job, ect.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
User avatar
dijmart
 
Posts: 2078
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:35 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby Phil2 » Tue May 13, 2014 7:05 am

dijmart wrote: It's like anything else in life, if you never put yourself out there as available you may never find a mate, a job, ect.


Yes mum ...

:-)
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)
Phil2
 
Posts: 1379
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2013 3:24 pm

Re: Relationships: Physical and Sexual Attraction

Postby dijmart » Tue May 13, 2014 5:19 pm

Phil2 wrote:
dijmart wrote: It's like anything else in life, if you never put yourself out there as available you may never find a mate, a job, ect.


Yes mum ...

:-)


What's your intention with this reply?
Take what you like and leave the rest.
User avatar
dijmart
 
Posts: 2078
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:35 pm

Next

Return to Questions

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 2 guests